Use a Pro to get your Ex’s Texts

texts

Use a Pro to get your Ex’s Texts

We all know how important texting has become in our love lives. Now they are becoming weighty evidence in divorce proceedings according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Text messaging was present in the top three forms of electronic evidence used in divorce court today. But getting texts for your attorney can be difficult. You can either read them off the phone directly, or perhaps write them down for yourself.

The second method is to have them taken off the phone. This can be done even after the messages have been deleted. If there is some type of access code for security purposes, bypassing that would make the texts inadmissible in court according to John Simek, Vice President of a Virginia based computer security company called Sensei Enterprises, Inc. It’s like the difference between a suitcase that is open and one that is locked. Of this Simek said, “Then there is an expectation of privacy, and you’d better not be blowing by it.” Also understand that cell phone providers don’t store any messages on their end. So don’t go snooping in that direction, you’ll come up empty.

This is where you can use a trained pro to get your ex’s texts. According to Simek, a text message usually stays on the provider’s servers for about two weeks. But a case has to be filed before a security company can go in there and get a text. Otherwise, they have no leg to stand on legally. Searching the actual phone is really the best way to get at texts says Simek. Once a text has been deleted however, it can be hard to retrieve. Computer forensics companies can use several methods to try and retrieve these text messages. BitPim , Sim Card Seizure,  or Paraben Device Seizure are some of the methods used. Keep your fingers crossed.

“Normally it’s pretty volatile, these text messages,” says Simek. How your phone overwrites memory comes into play. But the forensics company will go through all of the internal organs of the phone to see if they can grab a hold of the steamy text your ex sent to their lover. These special software extractions can even get the date and time, important information where court is concerned. Some of the software programs even get inside the phone and take a photo of the text. These companies can even testify in court on how the text was extracted.  So the next time you have a text that can help pay off in divorce court, look up your local computer forensic security company. They may be able to ensure you get your hands on it, and your lawyer does too. For more assistance with evidence seeking read, The Everything Private Investigation Book: Master the Techniques of the Pros to Examine Evidence, Track down People, and Discover the Truth by Sheila L. Stephens.

At What Point Should Marital Problems Lead to Divorce?

MARRIAGE-PROBLEMS

At What Point Should Marital Problems Lead to Divorce?

Anyone who has gone through a divorce will tell you how painful and draining the process is, financially, physically and emotionally. Lots of people are staying permanently separated today to avoid such pain. Others find it a reason to reinvest in their marriage. Many people believe you should give a marriage every possible chance before divorcing. Others believe that if marriage isn’t giving you fulfillment or happiness why stay married? Though we all have to deal with the practicalities of our situations in life, considering our financial and emotional well-being in terms of a divorce, and of course not every divorce is contentious.

That said, at what point should marital problems lead to divorce? That is a different line for every couple, considering their reasons for divorcing, their financial and emotional reserves, how antagonistic the relationship is and so on. If there is still love there but the spark is dead, there are ways to reignite it. If there is a lack of communication, it can be resolved. But there are certain issues that cannot. Long conversations, marriage counseling, even a trial separation can work wonders. But if one of these issues creeps in, divorce is a better option.

Is your spouse abusive to the children, you or themselves? If this is the case, divorce is a far better option. Abuse can never be tolerated. This sort of household dynamic is toxic for everyone and cannot be resolved. Get out immediately. If neither one of you feel you want to be in the marriage anymore, that it doesn’t fulfill either one of you in any way, and you are just going through the motions for some sense of duty, get out. The truth is you can’t fake marriage. And if it has no flavor for you or your spouse it’s just going to wear on you until it becomes toxic. If there is nothing to reinvest in, simply move on.

As we grow older we change. We get a different set of wants, needs, values and desires. But if our spouse is unable to accommodate something that is very important to us, and we are unwilling to accommodate one of their needs, divorce may be the only answer. Another marriage ender is a total lack of respect for one another. If you two exchange a half dozen barbs before breakfast, this marriage is suffering from irreconcilable differences. The level of antagonism has reached the level of toxicity. There is no saving the patient. Lastly, if you don’t agree on whether to have children or not, this is definitely a deal breaker. One or another of you will regret and blame the other. Instead, find someone you are compatible with who shares your outlook on children. For more advice read, Before You Throw in the Towel: Twelve Things You Should Consider Before Filing for Divorce by Bob Moorehead.

Can Lies Help a Marriage or Do They often Lead to Divorce?

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Can Lies Help a Marriage or Do They often Lead to Divorce?

An Aalto University School of Science study led by Oxford University Evolutionary Psychologist Robin Dunbar and his colleagues found that pro-social lies, what we would call little white lies, can actually help build stronger bonds to those in our social networks. White lies can help avoid conflict. What’s more, they help produce a sense of cohesion. Some people during courtship use little white lies to help convince their mate of compatibility and so move the relationship along. But can these little white lies help a marriage or do they often lead to divorce? Many psychologists say that the suppression of true feelings, though expedient in the short term may in the long term lead to resentment which builds over time. That resentment starts to weigh on the marriage and causes relationship problems. Not only should we share our true feelings, we should share our true goals for the future as well. Oftentimes people wanting to sound like they are in tune with their lover say they share the same goals for their life, while their true heart lies elsewhere. But this too can create a misplaced resentment that can build in the psyche and cause trouble for both individuals in the long run.

There are hen-pecked men for instance who go out of their way to accommodate women through the courtship phase. But once the honeymoon phase is over they tire of always catering to her, and the little white lies they’ve weaved in order to do so. These men then start to pull away and are less interested in the events and activities that they enjoyed during their courtship and that early lovey-dovey phase. She won’t have any idea however why he is pulling away in such a manner. The only way the man can keep the relationship going now is to live with the lie, even if it is a little white lie. This can feel like a trap. Now the husband starts to view the wife as his oppressor and begins a hidden life where he does things he enjoys without her knowledge. Now the wife, curious to what’s going on and suspicious of what he might be hiding, starts to dig. This can lead to all kinds of marital discontent. What’s more, the husband is living two different lives, a clandestine one that is not a part of his regular life and relationship, and one of devoted husband and perhaps father. Some examples of the secret lives husbands can lead to escape is sports, gambling, tobacco, alcohol, religious addiction or becoming a workaholic.

Professor Dunbar’s research is interesting and perhaps can help us get ahead at work, in a civic organization or another professional setting, but for our personal relationships it won’t do. Couples should be upfront with who they are, what they want, what their goals are and what they stand for. If they can’t be honest with one another, little white lies can snowball and become great big ones. The reason may be that we really like the other person or feel we won’t be accepted for who we are. But the sad truth is living a lie is far worse. Accept who you are first and then expect your lover to do the same, as you should accept them. Acceptance means also coming to terms with who they are. You don’t have to like every aspect of them. This also doesn’t mean you should accept abuse, nothing can be further from the truth. Never stay in a toxic relationship. But on the other hand no one is perfect, and if you want to be accepted and loved for who you are, it should go both ways. But with lovers this should go even beyond acceptance, a true long-term romantic partner should support you and actively help you seek the personal growth you desire. Just remember that the illusion of intimacy will poison a relationship, but true intimacy can only strengthen it. For more about untruths and how they disrupt nuptial bliss read, Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage: 10 Lies That Lead to Divorce and 10 Truths That Will Stop It by Linda Mintle.

Sexless Marriages Can Lead to Divorce

SEXLESS-MARRIAGE

Sexless Marriages Can Lead to Divorce

Most psychologists agree that sex is very important in a marriage. It helps create physical and emotional intimacy, human needs. But when a couple goes for a time without having sex, the longer they go the more ambivalent they feel about it and about one another. Distancing, a lack of trust and awkwardness can build up. When both partners ignore the problem or when the two fail to talk about it, and there is no exploration on pathways to become intimate, more stress is endured by the relationship. A sexless marriage therefore can lead to divorce. But it certainly doesn’t have to. If you have found yourself in a sexless marriage, try to employ some of these strategies in order to jumpstart your love life and rev things up, and get things humming in the bedroom. Many people are embarrassed about sexual issues. But the truth is if you attack the problem logically, like any other marital problem it can be observed, the phenomenon can be studied and the way forward will suddenly become clear. The first thing to do is to rule out any medical issues. A side effect for many common medications like heart medication or antidepressants is low libido. You or your spouse should talk to a doctor if you think that the issue may have something to do with the medication. Check with your pharmacist as well. What’s more, illness, side effects from a previous illness, and age-related problems can also sap sex drive. If none of these are the problem, and the issue isn’t physiological, then perhaps see if it may be psychological.

Consider counseling. A sexless marriage can be a symptom of a much deeper problem. Resentment, misplaced anger, infidelity, lack of trust or having one foot in and one foot out emotionally of the marriage can all cause a lack of intimacy. When arguments go nowhere the bond between the two is strained and sex is impossible. Seek out a licensed marriage counselor that you both trust. Therapy can definitely help you work out your issues if you are both committed to it, committed to the marriage and will take the advice the therapist gives. Now it’s time to look at how compatible your goals are. Those include goals within the boudoir and outside of it. Both partners should feel free enough with one another to talk about their wants and needs. Outside of the bedroom, what are your goals in life? What are your partner’s goals? Are you moving in the same direction or instead sailing apart? When a couple is moving in two different directions a sexless marriage may just be a warning sign of what is to come. If it’s just a matter of awkwardness, or lack of interest due to a lack of novelty, there are definitely some things you can do to rekindle that spark. Psychologists note that novel experiences taken together, such as doing something exciting like bungee jumping or white water rafting, traveling to a different place or a different country, something that gets your pulses alight and your hearts racing, can reignite that spark, both in and outside the bedroom. You’ll feel like newlyweds again.

If you want to reignite the spark inside the bedroom, try novel approaches to sex. Have a romantic dinner followed by wine or a few cocktails and enjoy your time together. Start talking about different fantasies. It’s a great way to reconnect, show trust, work together on common goals, and reconnect physically and emotionally. Get a list going and start to make plans to fulfill those goals. Do you or does your partner enjoy role play? What about elements of bondage or BDSM? In fact, a recent study found that couples who take part in BDSM have better communication, were closer and weathered storms in their relationship better. So taking part in such practices with your spouse in the comfort of your own home, or perhaps a hotel can really spice up the relationship, and let you see a side of your spouse that you perhaps never knew existed. There are books in your local bookstore. There are plenty of books online along with how-to videos, websites and more. If you can’t work it out but love each other and want to stay together, perhaps visit a sex therapist. A quick Google search can help you find licensed, reputable sex therapists in your area. You don’t have to stay in a sexless marriage. Get to the bottom of it and with some patience and lots of elbow grease, soon you won’t be able to get enough of each other. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide by Michele Weiner Davis.

His Porn Habit could hurt your Relationship

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His Porn Habit could hurt your Relationship

The porn industry earns $14 billion dollars in the U.S. annually and millions watch it.  Of course, the big driver of this is men, though some women and even couples enjoy watching together. But according to a new study out in the Psychology of Popular Media Culture his porn habit could hurt your relationship. When someone watches porn they become more accepting of extramarital affairs. As the researchers themselves point out in America, infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. The General Social Survey (GSS), the only survey of American’s social beliefs, was used. Researchers isolated 551 adults who were married for their study. These participants were then asked specific questions in order to find out how much pornography they consumed. Questions like, “Have you seen an X-rated movie in the last year?” Their opinions about infidelity were also recorded. Here researchers asked questions like, “What is your opinion about a married person having sexual relations with someone other than the marriage partner?” All the answers were recorded and the results soon became clear.

Researchers concluded that, “Pornography consumption was associated with more positive subsequent extramarital sex attitudes in both analyses.” From here researchers concluded that since infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce in the U.S. and since watching stag films makes extramarital affairs seem “normative and rewarding,” that pornography can help cause divorce. The study itself concludes that, “If pornography consumption leads to more positive extramarital sex attitudes as the results of the panels suggest, pornography consumption may be a contributing factor in some divorces via extramarital sex behavior.” Certainly a little porn consumption once in a while shouldn’t lead to an extramarital affair. But viewing it often or compulsively can contribute to an attitude conducive to one. Some couples watch porn together and use it to enhance their sex lives and therefore their relationship. This could actually help solidify rather than pull apart your bond. But excessive porn watching can have damaging effects on the relationship. Another problem is porn related erectile dysfunction. Some guys get obsessed by internet porn and have trouble performing or finishing between the sheets with their wives or girlfriends. Talk casually about it and let him know why you are asking and if he does have a problem with it, make him feel comfortable but try to get him to open up about it, admit he has a problem and take it from there. For more on this topic, read Understanding Your Man’s Porn Habit: How it can Affect Your Family & Relationship by J. Westman.