Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

repair trust

Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

There are a lot of different reasons someone can blow the trust in a relationship. It could be infidelity, emotional cheating, cleaning out the bank account and blowing it in Vegas, a shopping spree and hiding the credit card bills, or instead a string of little things so long it makes one wonder if they ever told the truth at all. Whatever the reason, trust is the glue that keeps a relationship together. Without trust there is no intimacy and without intimacy, no relationship. You can’t be intimate with someone you have to constantly be on guard around. So can you repair a relationship where the trust is gone? Certainly no one is perfect. Depending upon what you believe and what they have done, there are ways to build bridges back to trust. It isn’t easy. It takes a lot of patience, forgiveness, owning up to what both parties have done and superb communication. It’s important to look at what led up to the violation. Oftentimes there are certain goings-on in a relationship, underlying problems that must be addressed so such a slipup don’t happen again.

Those who are the victims shouldn’t rub their partner’s face in transgressions. Nor should they ignore what contribution they themselves may have made to the situation. Only when each person is open and honest with each other can they make plans of action or rules of engagement that work for them, can they overcome these obstacles and rebuild trust. If both parties are still very much in love, engaged and committed to renewing the relationship then it has the highest likelihood of happening. But half measures will cause few returns. The person who has perpetuated the betrayal has to be sorry. But they should also be open and forthcoming in all aspects and ready and willing to change. The more open they are the faster the healing process will be. A betrayal can be implicit or explicit, meaning it may be something that was a spoken rule or just an obvious one. But it can’t be obvious to one person and not the other. When a transgression has occurred and the person lies or covers up their betrayal, these actions only make things worse. They also contribute to a longer and more difficult road ahead.

Of course every relationship and situation is different. That said there are a few things anyone going on this harrowing journey should keep in mind. If you are the betrayer, fess up before they find out. The longer you wait the more damage you will cause and the more time it will take for the relationship to recover. Plus, unburdening yourself from the guilt will also be a great relief. Decide then and there to have absolutely no dishonesty in your relationship ever again. If you can’t be honest with your partner, why are you with them? At the time of confession and even after, allow your partner to ask questions. Be honest in answering. You want to communicate and restore goodwill. If you are the victim, you shouldn’t keep asking questions just to shock or hurt yourself. At a certain point, you have decided to stay in the relationship or go. If you are staying, it’s important to find the path toward healing, not dwell on the past. Patience is the best characteristic in this situation. Practice it unendingly. Keep in touch with yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to be fully present and listen to your partner as you work through things. Stay focused and if you are both meant to be together, you can get past this terrible time and find each other once again. For advice on keeping your marriage on the right track before transgressions start read, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love by Linda Bloom and Charlie Bloom.

Making Joint Custody Work

Joint-Custody

Joint custody isn’t easy. You have to bring the kids back and forth between households, figure out how to divvy up holidays and coordinate schedules. Sometimes working things out as parents reminds you why you divorced this person in the first place. But even if your marriage didn’t work, you both have to do your best to make joint custody work, for your peace of mind not so much, but for your children. But all hope is not lost. In fact, clinical psychologist and author JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, Ph.D. says that, “Studies show that shared-custody situations work best when both parents are cooperative, respectful, agree on shared custody, and manage their emotions.” If you both can focus on what’s best for the children, you’ll make it through just fine. And the fact that you both wanted joint custody hopefully means that the children are very important to both of you. So you both have the motivation to make it work. There are some rules you and your ex can follow to make joint custody work well, or at least as smooth as possible. First, don’t badmouth your ex-spouse, especially in front of the kids. It will end up hurting the children. Instead, vent privately to your friends or a confidant. But to the children, always be respectful and expect your ex to do the same.

Sometimes people get caught up in the emotional turmoil they are feeling about the divorce. Instead, focus on how the children are doing. Don’t try and spoil them out of guilt or to win them over to your side. Spend time with them. Parenting, as always, isn’t always going to feel good. But you need to do what you think is right and have your ex back you up. Determine what the rules are and how they are going to work. Sit down with your ex and hammer out the particulars and make sure you two are on the same page, for the children’s sake. Don’t do a custody grab. Be realistic. Step back, take a deep breath and examine the facts. Keep what is best for the children always at the center of every discussion and decision. Make sure that when you arrange a schedule the child’s extracurricular activities, age, any medical specifications and other factors are taken into consideration. Though infants spend most of their time with mom, toddlers benefit from going back and forth and spending time in each household. Remember that just because you and your ex-spouse didn’t get along doesn’t mean they are a bad parent. They may be a very good parent. Don’t let your personal feelings get in the way of your judgment regarding their parenting skills. Find the best ways to communicate with your ex. Perhaps email, Google calendar, texting or some other method is preferable to face-to-face interaction. Lastly, learn to pick your battles. For more on co-parenting, read The CoParenting Toolkit: The Essential Supplement for Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.

The Difference between Nice Guy and Good Guy

Polite-Man

We know the old saying that nice guys finish last. But how does the good guy fair? And what’s the difference? The nice guy is a pushover. He tries to please everyone but himself. Nobody respects the pushover. And a girl has to respect you to fall for you, or at least be interested. The nice guy lacks self-confidence. He doesn’t project or pursue what he wants but instead lets others walk all over him. By comparison, the good guy has a well of inner strength. He is nice but he doesn’t let others take advantage of him. He knows what he wants and gets to work pursuing it. A good guy therefore doesn’t have to cut a woman down to look good by comparison. And he isn’t threatened by a powerful, independent, self-possessed woman. In fact, he’s intrigued by her. A good guy is bold enough to pursue a woman. And a woman wants to be pursued. A nice guy doesn’t have enough confidence. He doesn’t think he measures up. A good guy isn’t passive aggressive, manipulative, or controlling. Instead, he is positive, and communicates in a productive manner, keeping the other person’s feelings in mind. The nice guy swallows his feelings and doesn’t communicate them, or fumbles through them when doing so.

Good guys have vision. They know what they want out of a relationship and where he wants it to go. He has a vision for his future and the type of lady he wants to share it with. A good guy is secure. He doesn’t need constant reassurance. He’s mature, focused, and a leader. A good guy is authentic. He doesn’t take part in back handed flattery. Instead, everything he says is genuine. If he compliments you, rest assured that he means what he says. A good guy works hard to win his lady over. And when he gets her he treats her right. He’s a gentleman. He asks about her. He cares about her. He takes her feelings into consideration. When he buys her a gift, it’s thoughtful and sweet. He knows her and knows what she likes. He may even pick something that has sentimental meaning between the two. The good guy has staying power. He’s in for the long haul. He wants to win his lady in the end and make her his. So when you think of a good guy, think of a hero or even a superhero. This is a great guy to have as your partner in a relationship. The nice guy really is trying too hard to please others and not himself. If you know a nice guy, point this out to him if you are friends, if you can, if he won’t get offended. You can also help him by referring him to books providing advice, such as Why Nice Guys Finish Last- The Nice Guy Syndrome Explained By A Woman- Special Edition For Men by Nancy Colliver. For the good guy, if you’re interested, let him know, subtly. If he’s interested, he will pursue you. And you will love it.