A Second Marriage is Often Better than the First

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A Second Marriage is Often Better than the First

Lots of people swear off marriage after their divorce. Those who felt controlled or dominated swear they will never lose their independence again. Infidelity makes others question commitment. Some feel that they would never want to go through the agony of divorce again. There are those who feel marriage is doomed because once the initial nuance wears off a lot of problems rear their ugly head. But the truth is your second marriage is often much better than the first.

Lots of folks put trust in the idea of marriage, until they get into and out of one. Then they realize that it’s a tremendous amount of work. And not only does it bring out someone else’s issues, but worse yet your own rise to the surface when interacting with a spouse. Some people don’t want to deal with all of that. And that’s understandable. Realize that most people are trained on how the subtle dance of courtship and getting married works. But lots of people don’t know what to do once in a marriage. After one is over however you are more knowledgeable, wiser and carry lots of experience. You know yourself a bit more. Lots of people fail to understand what they themselves bring to the marriage in terms of baggage. But after one marriage is over, and one has to face one’s baggage you start to realize your own patterns and mistakes, and seek to rectify them. This makes you a much better and more mindful spouse in the second marriage.

There are a lot of pressures on young couples that many times doesn’t exist on people getting married for a second time. Young children, a mortgage, striking out in a career and student loan debt all weigh on the marriage. But second marriages usually happen a little later in life when one is settled in one’s career, more comfortable financially and whose children are generally older or old enough at least where they don’t need constant supervision and care. There’s a lot less pressure that can weigh on the marriage. Money is the number one issue both in terms of starting marital conflicts and ending relationships, including marriage. If one or both of you is financially sound then there is far less of a chance of contention, should you get along in other aspects emotionally, sexually and intellectually such as shared goals and values.

After going through the first marriage you know how to fight and communicate correctly, and how not to fight and communicate. This will make the relationship more stable. Another advantage, you can take the lessons learned from the previous marriage and apply it to this one. Say you were taken for granted in your last marriage, now you may know how to speak up. Or if you took your spouse for granted you’ll appreciate your new one more. There are lots of advantages to a second marriage. But truthfully consider whether or not it’s right for you. For more advice read, Making Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success by Doug Moseley and Naomi Moseley.

When Your Child is Emancipated Do You Still Have to Pay Child Support?

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When Your Child is Emancipated Do You Still Have to Pay Child Support?

When you first hear that your child is becoming emancipated, hope can dawn on many a cash strapped parent and ex-spouse. One question usually comes to their mind. When your child is emancipated do you still have to pay child support? But the issue isn’t that simple. It’s more complicated. Your child support responsibility doesn’t automatically end due to emancipation. Instead, you have to petition the court in order to terminate child support. Proceedings from this point vary according to state law. Child support laws vary considerably from state to state. In some states the minute a child turns eighteen child support is over. Whereas in other states it’s when the child turns twenty one or it could even depend on when they finish college. Emancipation itself is a different issue, but the laws on child support will influence the court’s ruling. There are states that require child support be paid to an emancipated child. Even though an emancipated child is supposed to be financially self-sufficient the court could decide that they receive a stipend monthly until they become a certain age. The original child support order may run in tandem or be extinguished due to this. It pays to have an experienced attorney on your side to help navigate this complicated issue.

Make sure you attend your child’s emancipation hearing. Your input won’t be heard otherwise and they may make a decision that is unfavorable to you. It doesn’t matter whether or not you support your child’s decision to become emancipated. You will be able to give your testimony and take part in the decision making process. Your input will be considered. Have with you a copy of your divorce decree. The judge may ask to read it in order to get better acquainted with the case. If they see for instance that this father is paying $400 per month in child support, the judge may redirect that money to the child. Or the court may decide that each party should contribute $200 per month to the child. The age of your kid is one of the most important factors. This will weigh heavily on the judge’s head. If it is a seventeen year old boy the judge may believe that the money being paid to the child is warranted, even if they can support themselves. The judge may also consider the position of each parent. If a parent is against the emancipation they may not grant the child support to the child. If you are angry at your ex-spouse, don’t direct that anger at your child or let that anger cloud your good judgment. Make sure that throughout you have the child’s best interest in mind. For more advice on child support read, Child Support Dollar$ and Sense for NCPs: Practical Advice, Guidance, Resources, and Much More for Non-Custodial Parents Juggling Child Support Issues by Marty Vaughn.

The Marriage Gap is a Good Thing

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The Marriage Gap is a Good Thing

The state of marriage has undergone tremendous change and continues to in American society today. The marriage rate has plummeted 37% in the last 40 years. A little over 400,000 cohabitated rather than got married in the U.S. in 1960. But as of the year 2000, some 5 million Americans cohabitate. Traditional marriage may be giving way to cohabitation as the dominant form of across gender relationships. Of course, couples can be intimate, close and plan a future together without being married. Many couples want more equality than in the past, even though how to achieve it alludes them, and many women believe marriage does not hold equality in its grasp. Another problem, marriages are too expensive, especially in this day and age where more young people are living at home, grappling with enormous student debt and unemployment or underemployment. Some want to own a home and be more financially stable before getting married. Many in the Gen X, Gen Y and Millennial generations grew up with their parent’s divorce in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s and don’t want to go through that themselves. Lots in these groups also want to be older before having children, a big responsibility they don’t feel ready for.

But if you look into the reasons why listed above, it seems that the younger generations are considering different approaches to love than traditional marriage, or holding off on marriage for a host of well thought out and mature reasons. It’s good that young people want to be financially secure and emotionally ready before plunging into a huge responsibility like marriage and child rearing. 70% of those who live together for five years do end up getting married. So cohabitation in this view is making sure that the relationship is solid, happy, supportive and most importantly that it’s going to work. This also sounds sensible. Also, studies by the American sociological association found that women are just as interested in delaying marriage or living single, in nontraditional romantic relationships such as cohabitation and in non-cohabitation relationships as men. What’s come to pass is that young people are taking a responsible view on marriage. They refuse to be satisfied with divorces, financial instability, committing before they are ready, or living in functional marriages that lack passion or intimacy. Instead, they would rather wait. It will be a credit to them and society will become far more stable because of their foresight. For more insight on contemporary relationships read, Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha.

Wait Before Getting Married

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There are still people today who rush into marriage. Those people who marry young often regret it, though not always. But these are the most volatile relationships and the most likely to get divorced. In today’s world people often need to be more mature in order to handle a marriage. Each person needs time to discover who they are. To be financially self-sufficient each person generally needs years of education and developing their career. Typically the time needed to invest in a marriage can be cumbersome when young people are trying to build their career, and long hours and hard work are involved. Oftentimes, marrying young means children. Some young people marry young because of the children. But they can turn into single parents just as easily. Now their time is even more constricted due to having to take care of the children. How will they find time to manage a job and try to build themselves up for their and their children’s future, via night school, trade school, college or through some other program? Older people, such as when you are in your late twenties or thirties, are more centered. They are more grounded. They know who they are and usually what they want in life. But the development of identity in the late teens and early to mid-20’s can really get in the way of a marriage.

You’ve got a learning curve to deal with when you are first entering the workforce. To compound those issues with a marriage is indeed difficult. It’s one thing if you are making mistakes that affect your own life. But it’s quite another if your mistakes are affecting someone else as well. Financially, you are in much better shape getting married a little older than younger. Marriages are expensive, as are honeymoons. And with today’s expensive American wedding, oftentimes the gifts don’t cover the expense. When you are settled into a career and making a good salary, that is the time to get married. It will be better for the overall relationship, too. By the time the late 20’s or early to mid-30’s roll around, you will have had some experience in relationships. You will know what to expect and how to handle relationship situations. You will also have a better idea of what is acceptable and what isn’t. This will carry over and help you navigate the marriage much better than if you didn’t have any relationship experience. Drama and emotional baggage are difficult to deal with. Though these often litter the relationships of those in their teens and early 20’s, by the time someone is in their late 20’s or thirties, the desire for drama has hopefully gotten out of their system, and they have an idea of their baggage and how to keep it in check. For more on getting marriage right, read When I Get Married . . .: Surrendering the Fantasy, Embracing the Reality by Jerusha Clark.

Do you have the Qualities to make a Good Wife?

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Are you single and your biological clock is ticking? Or perhaps you want to know why all the guys you date pass you by, or pull away, yet end up marrying someone else? Maybe you just want to know if you have the qualities to make a good wife. Or maybe you’re a guy wondering if your girlfriend fits the bill. Whatever your reasoning, there is no secret math equation that guys use to judge whether or not a woman makes the grade. First, it depends if physical and emotional chemistry is there. That’s what helps get couple’s together. The next thing men notice are a woman’s behaviors and how she acts in certain situations. Guys evaluate how that’s going to play out in the future. Will she be a hassle, a nag, an enigma, someone who shoots barbs across the breakfast table? Or will she be resourceful, independent, supportive, caring, engaged, enthusiastic, and a team player? Here are some other qualities. She should be trustworthy. No one wants to come home and find the bank account has been cleared out. Or find her sitting in bed with your best friend. These are extreme cases of course. But you don’t want to spend your life looking over her shoulder. It’ just not worth it. Guys look to see if she has the same beliefs. You don’t have to share a belief system, just a set of norms and values. If these are totally off, it’s never going to work, no matter what you do.

A guy, if he’s the right guy, wants his lady to make him a better person. If she’s stealing the silverware off the table in a fancy restaurant, or slipping the china into her purse he’s going to think twice about her. If a guy’s family or friends act strangely when she’s around, and she doesn’t fit in with them, a red flag goes off in his head. But if she can get along, and becomes part of the gang, she’s in. Is she responsible? If she doesn’t have any food in the refrigerator and no money for car payments, but her closet is full of the latest fashions, a man takes notice. This is not the marrying type unless you are a millionaire or even a billionaire. He also wants a responsible wife to help him take care of the household and the children should there be any. He wants someone he can depend on. Of course women want this, too. Is she smart, funny, and can she carry on a great conversation? No one wants to date someone whom they find boring, let alone marry them. Guys want to be loved as they are. If a woman starts to try changing them, they may go along with it for a while. But sooner or later he’s going to assert himself. And he won’t be marrying her, he’ll be getting rid of her. A guy wants someone that will have his back. He wants a wife that he can share his passions with and his life. He wants a partner, a friend, and a lover for life, even if it is marriage number two or more. To learn more about what makes a woman a good wife, read the advice of Lasana Smith in her book, Get A Ring On It: 10 Secrets To Becoming Wife Material.