Ending the Affair

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Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

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How do you know if you’re Just Settling?

When we first get into someone there’s that tingly, rush of excitement we get down deep in the belly. We get caught in this electric net whenever we see them, or get a call or text message. But after a while a long-term relationship gets comfortable. About four or five years out experts say is when a lot of trouble begins. We all get caught up in our routines. Sometimes a relationship gets old and needs a little spicing up. At other times we are discovering our partner more deeply and with it more incongruities arise. They need to be dealt with or new channels of modes of communication are required in order to keep things moving when we get stuck on thorny issues. This can get tiresome. But then there are times when we are with someone where things don’t really fit. We put up with it because we want to be in a relationship or appreciate the person’s finer qualities, but just can’t get past this certain thing or set of things about them. So how do you know if you’re just settling or if this is a relationship that needs a little tweaking? How do you know when things need a little more work or you’re just settling?

Sometimes it’s a good idea to get away from your significant other, even if it’s just for a short time so they are not influencing you. If you can, spend time with yourself, clear your mind and try and see the relationship from another angle. Others like to talk to close friends or a mentor and get a beat on what they think. Sometimes a little insight from someone close to your heart is all you need to refresh your outlook. Then there are those people who simply draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and list the good qualities of the relationship on one side and the bad qualities on the other. Evaluate how you feel generally with this person. Are they difficult to be around? Does respect dwell here? Is this relationship fulfilling most of the time? Does it make you happy? Is it weighing you down or lifting you up? Do you see no way of bringing it back? A relationship should bring out our best, not force us to seek solitude in work or other pursuits. If you feel more comfortable away from this person than in their presence, this is your sign.

What about your habits of mind? Are you constantly saying to yourself that your relationship isn’t that bad, and citing worse ones? Have you tried and tried again without any impact? What about the other person. Have they been trying to change and to communicate better to help bridge the gaps between you? Do you think if you wait it out, someday your partner will have a clue? Wishful wanting without any clear indication from the other partner is one of the symptoms of settling. Do you feel sorry for your partner? Usually, the person we love is one we respect, even admire. It’s hard to love someone you feel sorry for. There are those who stay in bad relationships simply because they are afraid of being alone. But then they have their own issues to work out which are coming through into the relationship. Today, we don’t have to stay with someone we don’t love. There are so many options no matter what your age, deal or preferences. Women especially may be prone to the settling syndrome. According to evolutionary anthropologists, women in the Stone Age settled because they may not have had the chance to mate again, being hunter-gatherers wandering in small bands. But in the modern age we have eHarmony and Tinder. So evaluate carefully. But realize that the answer may come, as all important ones do, when you least expect it. If you do decide to go down that road after healing read, How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back by Henry Cloud.

Should you Forgive Infidelity or Get a Divorce?

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Should you Forgive Infidelity or Get a Divorce?

Your mouth runs dry and your heart skips a beat when you find out. Maybe you had a hunch. You searched all over and finally your suspicions were confirmed. Or you could have heard it from a friend. Some just stumble into the wrong thing and the secret is out. Then there are those who are confronted by their spouse and told straight out about the affair, often to relieve guilt and ask for forgiveness. It’s difficult to evaluate whether or not you should forgive infidelity or get a divorce. It’s a question that changes depending upon every couple, and their situation. Most couples don’t survive an infidelity. One study found that 20% of married couples were stronger afterward. It was a wakeup call that shook one or both parties out of their sleep and showed them what needed to be changed in order to reconnect with their relationship. Some people will say “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Others believe it’s not that clear cut.

The first thing to do is allow yourself to feel your emotions. Grieve for the pain, the sense of a loss of innocence, the deceit and the treachery. One poll showed that men are more bothered by physical infidelity, while women are more disturbed by emotional infidelity. Sometimes you will feel confused and lonely. Your bond of trust has been severed. If the relationship is to survive it must be re-established. There will be a lot of work to do. But no relationship lasts long without resting on a firm foundation of trust.

Don’t make any decisions early on. But do understand that you must make one. You should see if your partner feels bad for what they’ve done. Do they empathize with your situation? If they do then see if you can empathize with them and the reason that they strayed. There are lots of reasons. A fear of commitment or a need for validation are some reasons. Others are not feeling sexy, attractive or desirable anymore to one’s mate. Sometimes couples lose their connection. They drift apart. At other times it’s revenge for some terrible transgression, or even as revenge for a spouse’s cheating. If you decide that there is enough to salvage, consider marriage counseling. Learning how to communicate is so important. Sometimes people just get so wrapped up in their jobs and other priorities that they forget what’s really important in their life. Some couples don’t even talk about sex, or what they want in the bedroom. Those who are saved by infidelity usually say that it helped them wake up to the crisis that has occurred in their relationship. Some don’t want to forgive their spouse for cheating. But they want to come to understand what forces led them down that path. They don’t have to forgive but must come to accept the paradigm that caused this phenomenon to occur.

Whether or not you stay with your spouse after an affair is a very personal decision. No one can make it for you. But if you make the wrong one you will have to live with the consequences. Don’t rush it. Take your time. Do some soul searching. Once the pain clears, find out what you really have in this relationship. If this is a wakeup call that the relationship is unfulfilling, than perhaps it’s best to get a divorce. But if there were extenuating circumstances that have to be worked out, if you truly love each other and trust in one another but for this one tangent, and if your problems can be worked out and you do see a far more successful marriage down the road, than perhaps it’s best to try and work things out. Don’t stay together for the children’s sake. You’ll only make yourself and, in consequence, them dreadfully unhappy. Plus, what kind of love lives will they lead, modeled after yours? Financial reasons have a lot of people staying separated long-term today. It’s important to know the financial and legal outcome of that decision. Take your time. Reach deep down inside yourself and your answer, and the way forward, will come. If you know that you want to stay together be sure to pick up a copy of the book, Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage by Steven Solomon, Ph.D. and Lorie Teagno, Ph.D.

Breaking Up with your Long Term Live in Boyfriend

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Breaking Up with your Long Term Live in Boyfriend

Considering whether or not to break it off? What happened? Was it a slow growing apart? Did someone go astray? Or do you have some sort of irreconcilable differences? Whatever the reason, you are considering breaking up with your long term live in boyfriend. But how can you make a decision like that? If you move out or kick him out, whatever the case, it’s a decision that a relationship will have a pretty hard, if not impossible time bouncing back from. You have to be sure. But how can you be sure it’s the right decision?

First, consider your feelings for him. You may need to get away from him for a bit, and have some time to think. Make an excuse and stay over your friends for a couple of nights, or how about a relative for the excuse of a visit. Do it when he can’t accompany you. Or even spend a couple of nights at a motel, but tell him it’s a business trip. Give yourself a little time to relax and just forget about it. Then revisit the issue when you’re fresh. Do you still love him? Does he treat you the same as when things were fresh and new? Do you still tell him that you love him, or that you think he looks good?

Does he remember important dates in your relationship? How does he treat you now versus before? How do you treat him? Why do you think this is? Consider if there is a particular behavior that is driving a wedge between you two, or if it’s just a general malaise. If it’s just a rut there are plenty of things you can do to reignite the spark in your relationship. But if it’s a particular behavior, or a set of behaviors they have to be addressed, why not sit down and have a serious talk with him. Explain the behaviors that are driving a wedge between the two of you, and figure out a way to overcome them. Have some ideas in mind. Make sure you both have a chance to speak and be heard. Negotiate but don’t give up your core beliefs, or ask him to, or else one of you will resent the other. If one of you cheated, you have to see what the underlying factors are that caused the indiscretion. Those issues have to be addressed and the bond of trust has to be reestablished, not easy. Ask if this person is worth it? It may be easier to take the lessons you’ve learned and move on. Otherwise, work through your issues and seek couple’s therapy.

Think about what problems, issues or behaviors you bring to the relationship. It’s a two way street and most of the time one party isn’t completely innocent. Keep talking to each other and it will soon become abundantly clear whether to get out the suitcases and call the moving van, or decide to give it another go. Consider any financial and legal issues if it’s not going to work, do some research and have plans in place to circumvent anything that might arise. For more breakup advice read, The Single Woman’s Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On by Mandy Hale.

Couples who Don’t Want Children Discuss the Matter maybe once

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Couples who Don’t Want Children Discuss the Matter maybe once

Some couples who don’t want children discuss the matter one time, others don’t discuss it at all according to a new study. Middlesex University’s Edina Kurdi will present her findings at the annual conference of the British Sociological Association. She conducted an online survey which had 75 female participants 35 years old or older, 40% of which said that they had either never discussed having children or had once early on. Nine of these participants did come and meet researchers in person as well. The question on the survey asking about the discussion around the decision not to have children was skipped by 12 participants. 63 answered the question. 23 said that it was only discussed once. Three of the women said the issue simply never came up. According to Kurdi one participant in the study said, “It only needed one brief discussion, along the lines of ‘I don’t want kids — do you?’ ‘Nope, me neither’. Then move onto something more interesting to talk about… and neither of us reconsidered our options. There was no need to.” Of the results, Kurdi stated that she was surprised by them, and found them interesting. Certainly they must have expected a more in depth discussion. But when two people are of the same mindset on something then why should they have to discuss it in greater detail?

Regarding this research Kurdi said, “Not having children is obviously a very important decision, and what was interesting from the research was the negligible amount of discussion that couples engaged in. Many are agreeing not to have children in one conversation, or in an unspoken way. One possible reason that couples did not need to talk about the issue much is that they could accurately sense their partner did not want children from their beliefs and lifestyle.” Kurdi’s research followed the reasons why couples decided not to have children and other people’s reaction to childless couples as well. According to this researcher, “Very little attention has been paid to the negotiations within romantic relations about not having a family, even though developed countries are facing a general decline in fertility combined with an accelerated rate of childlessness.” This is a serious issue affecting many countries. Japan is in a serious crisis that many Western European countries are facing too. There aren’t enough children born to support financially the aging population which will soon retire. South Korea will soon see this issue as well. Russia has instituted a “baby making” holiday in order to reverse the problem. In the U.S., we have waves of immigrants entering and so don’t have to worry so much. For more on this topic, read Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice by Laura S. Scott.