When Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Fetish

When Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Fetish

In the honeymoon stage sex is happens spontaneously and often. But when things move on it takes a little more effort to find novelty in the bedroom, or else things can grow stale. This is a good time to explore deeper fantasies together. Everyone has them, although in our culture we are often taught to suppress them. But it is psychologically healing to be able to reveal your inner self and have it be accepted by your partner. That said, many of us are living with the psycho-social residue of sex as being taboo. So it becomes difficult to open up to our partner about areas we would like to explore. In this case, couples can be a perfect match on all things, and yet be mismatched in terms of sexuality. Common difference include a frequency differential—one person has a strong sexual appetite than the other, and differing interests. For example, one person is kinkier than the other. Or one wants to be submissive while the other could never see themselves as dominant. In any case, a couple doesn’t have to break up just because you do not share the same sexual interests at the outset. Negotiation, open-mindedness, and an I-will-do-this-for-you if-you-do-this-for-me, mentality applies. Here is what to do if your partner is not into your fetish.

Your course of action depends upon whether or not your partner is aware of your fetish. Let’s say for instance you are a female who desires to be tied up and ravaged. But your husband grew up with an overbearing, feminist mother who instilled in him a deep and resounding respect for women, not a bad quality, but it could hamper your desires in this case. He may just need some introduction into what you are interested in. First, get in touch with every aspect of your fetish. You will need a deep understanding of it before you can truly communicate it to someone else. What is it that turns you on? Why do you think that is? Next, try subtle things like watching pornographic videos where this is portrayed, reading certain erotica together, bringing up interesting through pertinent anecdotes, or talking about little aspects that interest you or turn you on. It is important to slowly get your partner acclimated to the idea.

Now try moving things up a level. First, start with dirty talk. Get him to call you derogatory names, and give him what he wants in return, as a part of positive reinforcement. As things unfold, sometime in the near future during another session, ask him to tie you down while incorporating the aforementioned language. Now try role playing and have him in a very assertive role such as a dirty teacher, police officer, or soldier. Next, have some time alone together where you share your fantasies and elaborate farther. Make sure you state this is a realm free of judgment before discussing. Explain to him what turns you on about it. Be patient and be ready to explain in many different ways and on different occasions until he in this example, or she understands. What makes something repellent to us as a species is not understanding something. But once we get it, the weirdness comes out of it, and we are more willing to take part in it, and make our partner happy.

If it is something they already know about but are not interested in, do not give up. Let him or her get used to the idea. Start out slow. Discuss it on multiple occasions. But be sure that they get to talk about their interests too, and you do your best to fulfill their fantasies. Negotiate using the process of “How about instead of (whatever is objectionable) we do (something similar).” Workshop the entire process if it is a role play so your partner doesn’t get stuck. Always be sure to practice safe play. If he or she is still uninterested, leave the door open. If and when they agree to take part, always take baby steps letting them get acclimated, and each time getting a little closer to what you want.

Both of you need to understand that the bedroom sphere is completely different than the outside world. The rules in one do not apply to the other. Some of the things that really turn us on in the bedroom would be the same things we would fight against tooth and nail in the outside world. If your fetish is too far beyond the pale for your partner, even after long negotiations, and this is one of your needs, talk about what to do next. Are they okay with you interacting with another in this manner? Visiting a club or social group where this interest is held in common? Would they be okay with you seeing a provider to have these needs met? In closing, do not feel bad about your fetish. Understand that we all have our kinks. They are one thing that makes us human and ultimately, interesting. Most couples can talk through impasses, and in time learn to enjoy the other’s fetish, or at least making one another happy.

Want to know more about exploring the world of kink with your partner? Then read, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington.

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

We often think of sexuality as a solid set of likes, desires, and characteristics. But as we grow and develop, our interests might change or deepen. Especially today with so much access to sexual material on the internet, and a looser attitude toward sexuality in general, people feel free to explore experiences and fetishes they may not have otherwise communicated. But this puts the monogamous relationship in a particular bind. Sometimes two people get together with very different thresholds of what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not. What makes it doubly difficult is that many people do not find this out until later on, after the nuance of what the BDSM community calls “vanilla sex” has worn off. Usually one person gets comfortable with the repertoire, while the other gets bored with it. Another thing that sometimes happens is one person gets interested in a particular fetish, or certain aspect of BDSM, or finally feels comfortable enough to share their other-than-straight-sex interest. At this point, the vanilla loving partner gets freaked out. They may go through a point of insecurity, wondering if they are enough for the kinkier partner, which one hopes they are assured that they are. But then things come to a point where, each person has to ask, what do you do with this fetish or fascination if the other partner is disinterested, or unwilling to fulfill it? Should you let your partner visit a dominatrix for instance?

First of all, take a step back for a minute and realize that for your partner to divulge this to you, your relationship must have good communication. That speaks to a strong bond and a deep well of trust. These are not things to be taken lightly. Often the emotional paradigm and the sexual one are not at the same level. We may be getting all that we need and more in terms of emotional needs, but a preoccupation or overwhelming desire is waiting in the wings. This is a solid relationship. But the fetish if ignored is not going to go away. Instead, it will fester underneath the surface. You do not want to put your lover in a position where they may feel desire to cheat. Reconsider their fetish. Is it really something you do not wish to take part in? Perhaps you can have a playtime for the kinky one, and straight sex for the vanilla partner. If you are totally against taking part, consider allowing them to see a professional. There is no actual sexual interaction between the dominatrix and her client. It is really about focusing on the fetish itself, and fulfilling that desire. It may even make the relationship happier.

Do not think after years of marriage that you have your partner all figured out. Sexuality is a constantly evolving thing. It is one of the aspects after all, that keeps sex interesting. What the practice of tantra but also of BDSM teaches us is curiosity and compassion. Instead of acting out of fear or judgment, push these thoughts aside. Instead, move forward with curiosity. What is it about this act or fetish that they find so appealing? Where does it stem from? Through sexuality we can learn a lot about our partner’s psychology and our own. Supplant judgment with curiosity. Support your partner in their explorations. Set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Allow yourself the freedom to explore some fantasies and kinks of your own, and tell your partner about them. Make plans to have them fulfilled. Being open, honest, flexible, practice superb communication, and be responsive to our partner’s needs. This is what being in a long-term relationship is all about. Do not allow them to go if you have misgivings. Talk it out, until you both feel comfortable. You may even want to meet the dominatrix in the flesh. Whatever the situation, remember to make your relationship your own. Don’t try to fit into some preconceived mold of what you think it should be. Instead, make your relationship a place where both of you can be happy and yourselves.

For those who have changed their mind, and want to give it a shot read Dominatrix 101: The Good Girl’s Quick Guide to Dominating Her Man by Rebecca Lawson.

If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him


If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

We are all guilty of looking at things we shouldn’t on the internet from time to time. But there are certain things that cross the line. Respect and trust need to exist in any relationship for it to be healthy and happy. But there are just certain things a husband or boyfriend shouldn’t be seeking out. If he’s got these websites in his search history, delete him from your life or expect trouble the next time you sign on to his shenanigans. It’s perfectly normal for a guy to seek out some porn. They are guys, they are going to look. But if you happen to find an over-obsessive amount, this is a deal breaker. It may mean he’s addicted to porn. He could then have trouble pleasing you.

Another phenomenon that is occurring, guys who expect their wives and girlfriends to act like porn stars in the bedroom. While you may be all about exploring your kinky side, just understand that the women in these films never get their needs met. So if you want him to go down south, or you wish to explore some of your own fantasies, you’d better come right out and talk about it or it could all be over. Another deal breaker in this realm is porn that is too extreme. Sure he may have a fetish which you enjoy or are at least willing to accommodate. But if you find out he’s really into some sick stuff, it’s time to hit the road. Next thing you know he’ll want to bring some of that stuff into the bedroom. FYI, if you’re up for it, a little bit of good quality porn between consenting adults can actually stimulate your love life form time to time.

If he’s been on dating sites since you two have become an item, get rid of him. He’s a player, a narcissist; he’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s looking to cheat. One side note, make sure you two have verbalized that you are in a committed relationship. Some girls just assume. If you haven’t said it, it isn’t true. When you are only dating you can’t expect him to shut down his dating profile. You never know what might happen. He’s keeping his options open or still deciding on you. You may be in the same phase. But if you’ve said the three little words, be mine only and they said yes, then this guy is a heartless scumbag. He’ll give you a line of crap. If you fall for it, he’ll cheat on you anyway, and you’ll be in more pain and hate yourself worse for failing to see through his jive.

If your man has a long history of surfing gay websites, you need to confront him about it. There’s nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. If you fantasize about having two guys, and the relationship doesn’t mean that much to you emotionally, you may find it exhilarating. Otherwise, your man may run off with another man. How will you feel then? If you find him on Ashley Madison or some other type of cheating website, sign off on this relationship. He’s a cheater and a sneak. For help moving on if or when your break up read, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps by Claire Casey.

BDSM Dating App Helps the Kinky Get Together


BDSM Dating App Helps the Kinky Get Together

Tinder has been so successful it has bred a near universe of similar apps with their own twist on its successful model.  If you are a shy guy, there’s Catch. Stylish sack jumpers who are also cerebral can meet on Hinge. Those who are very health conscious can find each other on SaladMatch. To select someone who knows how to give a proper salute try Uniform Dating. If you care about the person’s personality and not so much their looks give Willow a try. Black professionals can find possible mates on Meld. Try The League if you are wealthy and the other person’s net worth is of importance to you. The latest in this dating app tsunami is for those who want to get their kink on and find a partner that’s into the kinds of freaky things they want to do. Take Tinder and BDSM, put it in a blender and what shoots out is Whipir. This app does in fact allude to the likeness of the prior landscape-changing app. They also claim to be the only platform solely for the BDSM community. It is important to find someone who is open-minded enough, and trusting enough to allow us to explore our deep desires, and help us find out more about ourselves. We do so when we lead someone else through their deepest fantasies as well.

Whipir is user friendly offering free calls, real-time messaging and video chats. The usability of dating apps is one reason why people are pivoting away from the old-time desktop version which requires a lengthy profile process and often membership fees. Apps are so convenient and cost little if anything to use. Whipir is easy to navigate. You upload a normal photo, answer a few questions including your gender, location, kinky interests and level of experience and away you go. Your choices filter out other members and hopefully put you in front of people, or put people in front of you, that are looking for what you are. Then you can chat up those who seem as though they have potential and even send out a few “sparks.” These are interests you can propose to someone you might like to experience them with. This isn’t just for the initiated. Whipir invites the curious or those who have only just started exploring to join in the dark, titillating fun.

There are what they describe as “kink categories.” These include materials, accessories, objects, sounds and fashion. If you are into latex, love the smell of leather or can’t wait to be tied down, you imply it here. One unfortunate drawback though, it doesn’t get any more specific than these categories. So if you want to spank someone there’s no way of specifically knowing without chatting and finding out what another is into. Chief communications officer Daniel Sevitt told Refinery 29 that these categories were left vague on purpose. This was because they wanted to allow a broad interpretation of kink, and even to allow users themselves to define their own fantasies and interests, without the platform dictating it to them. There is another BDSM site called FetLife. They bill themselves as the Facebook of kink. This is more of a social networking site, whereas Whipir is an efficient dating platform modeled after Tinder. Analysts wonder due to the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon if the app will become huge or sort of fizzle out. But if you are interested, Whipir may be the next great place to find someone to get your freak on with. If you’re interested in learning more about the intersection of technology and dating read, Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating by Dan Slater.

What to do when Your Spouse Wears Diapers


When you suddenly find out that your spouse is wearing diapers it’s difficult to know how to react. What are the dos and don’ts of the situation? You don’t want to hurt their feelings but you want to know what’s going on. The first thing to do is to directly ask them. Pick a low stress time when you both have time to talk. Take them aside and ask gently. Tell them you won’t judge them. Let them know you want to help and you are there for them no matter what. Generally speaking adults do not wear these unless they feel they need to. Most people find diapers degrading. There are three reasons people wear adult diapers. Either they are incontinent, they are adult babies or they have a certain sexual fetish. If it is a medical issue having to do with loss of bladder or bowel control, have them see a doctor right away if they haven’t already. This is an important medical condition that needs to be addressed. They will need you by their side for emotional support. They will feel very vulnerable and exposed as they endure a sequence of tests.

If it is a sexual fetish, take a step back and try to see it from their point of view. Diapers are soft and warm. And people have fetishes for certain materials such as latex and leather. Talk to them about it in a calm manner. Let them know you want to know more about it. How does it work for them? What do they see as your role? If it only goes as far as wearing it once in a while, maybe there isn’t any harm. But you should know exactly what is going on, if you feel comfortable or can ignore it. Remember the other reasons why you married them and give yourself some time to get over the shock. Reevaluate when you are ready. Keep talking to your spouse about it and get to know more. Maybe after the initial shock wears off, it isn’t such a big deal after all. If they are regressing into a baby-like state, the most confusing of the three, seek to learn more. Are they role playing, using toys and so on? How far does it go, what is involved and how do you fit in? Learn more about this phenomenon and evaluate carefully. Give yourself some time to understand it and get over your shock. Remember that they are your spouse and you love them. You might be hurt that they hid it from you for shame, pride, not wanting to upset you and so on. It hurts but understand where they are coming from, let them know that you want them to share these things in the future and that you are on their side, but cut them some slack. Write a list of concerns and address them with your spouse. Have ground rules if you decide to stay together, which are fair for both parties. Keep talking and the way forward will become clear. To learn more about diaper fetishes, read the advice of Penny Barber in her book, The Age Play And Diaper Fetish Handbook.