Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

We often think of sexuality as a solid set of likes, desires, and characteristics. But as we grow and develop, our interests might change or deepen. Especially today with so much access to sexual material on the internet, and a looser attitude toward sexuality in general, people feel free to explore experiences and fetishes they may not have otherwise communicated. But this puts the monogamous relationship in a particular bind. Sometimes two people get together with very different thresholds of what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not. What makes it doubly difficult is that many people do not find this out until later on, after the nuance of what the BDSM community calls “vanilla sex” has worn off. Usually one person gets comfortable with the repertoire, while the other gets bored with it. Another thing that sometimes happens is one person gets interested in a particular fetish, or certain aspect of BDSM, or finally feels comfortable enough to share their other-than-straight-sex interest. At this point, the vanilla loving partner gets freaked out. They may go through a point of insecurity, wondering if they are enough for the kinkier partner, which one hopes they are assured that they are. But then things come to a point where, each person has to ask, what do you do with this fetish or fascination if the other partner is disinterested, or unwilling to fulfill it? Should you let your partner visit a dominatrix for instance?

First of all, take a step back for a minute and realize that for your partner to divulge this to you, your relationship must have good communication. That speaks to a strong bond and a deep well of trust. These are not things to be taken lightly. Often the emotional paradigm and the sexual one are not at the same level. We may be getting all that we need and more in terms of emotional needs, but a preoccupation or overwhelming desire is waiting in the wings. This is a solid relationship. But the fetish if ignored is not going to go away. Instead, it will fester underneath the surface. You do not want to put your lover in a position where they may feel desire to cheat. Reconsider their fetish. Is it really something you do not wish to take part in? Perhaps you can have a playtime for the kinky one, and straight sex for the vanilla partner. If you are totally against taking part, consider allowing them to see a professional. There is no actual sexual interaction between the dominatrix and her client. It is really about focusing on the fetish itself, and fulfilling that desire. It may even make the relationship happier.

Do not think after years of marriage that you have your partner all figured out. Sexuality is a constantly evolving thing. It is one of the aspects after all, that keeps sex interesting. What the practice of tantra but also of BDSM teaches us is curiosity and compassion. Instead of acting out of fear or judgment, push these thoughts aside. Instead, move forward with curiosity. What is it about this act or fetish that they find so appealing? Where does it stem from? Through sexuality we can learn a lot about our partner’s psychology and our own. Supplant judgment with curiosity. Support your partner in their explorations. Set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Allow yourself the freedom to explore some fantasies and kinks of your own, and tell your partner about them. Make plans to have them fulfilled. Being open, honest, flexible, practice superb communication, and be responsive to our partner’s needs. This is what being in a long-term relationship is all about. Do not allow them to go if you have misgivings. Talk it out, until you both feel comfortable. You may even want to meet the dominatrix in the flesh. Whatever the situation, remember to make your relationship your own. Don’t try to fit into some preconceived mold of what you think it should be. Instead, make your relationship a place where both of you can be happy and yourselves.

For those who have changed their mind, and want to give it a shot read Dominatrix 101: The Good Girl’s Quick Guide to Dominating Her Man by Rebecca Lawson.

The Most Expensive Weddings Lead to the Shortest Marriages

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The Most Expensive Weddings Lead to the Shortest Marriages

The price on weddings has risen significantly in recent years. So-called “normal” couples today incorporate detailed websites, photo booths and giant ice sculptures into their marriages, and even throw weekend-long events. The industry likes to marry the idea of love and commitment with how much is spent. But although most of us scour the plan looking for ways of saving a few dollars, some wish money was no object. They secretly drool over celebrity-style affairs in exotic locales, taking place in lavish venues where so many luxuries abound their guests’ heads spin. We dream of becoming a part of what looks like modern day royalty. But be careful what you wish for. All of that style may be hiding a lack of substance, according to a study out of Emory University. You would think those who shell out the most mean it the most. But this study found the opposite to be true. The most expensive weddings lead to the shortest marriages. Two economics professors came to this conclusion. They also found that the higher the price-tag for the engagement ring, the greater the likelihood of divorce.

3,000 participants, married only one time, took part in this study. They found that those men who spent $500 to $2,000 were 1.3 times less likely to get divorced than those who spent $2,000 and $4,000. Those who spent $5,000 to $10,000 on the wedding were 3.5 times less likely to get divorced than those who shelled out over $20,000. In an email to Big Think researchers wrote, “Advertising has fueled the norm that spending large amounts on the engagement ring and wedding is an indication of commitment or is helpful for a marriage to be successful.” Though they’ve found a correlation, determining causation is far trickier. The economists surmise that such a big event inflates the expectations of the marriage. The couple is enchanted into the notion that things are going to be easy from here on out. Both parties have unrealistic expectations which undermine reconciliation when the couple hits a stumbling block. Those who have a more moderately priced affair have a level-headed view and so are ready when the inevitable difficulties arise.

No matter how much you plunk down for your wedding, there are some qualities that can be sustained by both parties to give the marriage the best chance of success. The first is to focus on the positive rather than the negative. There are little things that will inevitably drive you crazy. But if you can remember how supportive and understanding they are, you can perhaps overlook the hair they leave in the shower drain or that they are never once on-time. Invest in your relationship. This could be time, energy or thoughtfulness. But you get out of a marriage what you put into it. Communicate clearly and make sure you understand what your spouse has said or is saying. Lots of fights boil down to miscommunication. Fight smart. If you hurt your partner but win the argument, have you really won? Learn to let the little things go. And find ways to increase your closeness and strengthen your bond. For more on how to achieve marital success read, Strong Marriage, Happy Life: The Core Principles of a Successful Marriage and How to Make Your Marriage Work by Sonya Dawson.

How to Make your Boyfriend Romantic

Romantic-Couple

Are you with a great guy but whose romance button is stuck in the off position? If you guys hang out, pal around and have fun but never get seriously romantic and it’s killing you, why not teach him? Coax that romantic side out of him. It’s probably there, just latent. To get him to exercise his romance muscle, here are some tips on how to make your boyfriend romantic. First, check your expectations. If you’re thinking he should turn into the leading man in some romantic comedy overnight, or that he should be one already, your expectations may be too high. Hollywood isn’t real life. Start suggesting things you’d like him to do. If you watch something in a movie, mention it to him and how much you swooned for it. He may do it, or something comparable. But he’ll do it in his own way. Not a Hollywood way. But it’ll be genuine and from the heart. He’ll get out of his comfort zone and go out of his way for you. What’s more romantic than that? Don’t expect for him to know what you want or like. Tell him. You don’t have to be so straightforward. Make a little story out of it. Tell him about what another couple did that you liked.

Tell him what you want for a holiday gift, plays, movies or shows you want to see, restaurants you want to go to. If he cares for you, he’ll take you there. Talk about romance together. Ask him what he thinks is romantic. What romantic things has he done in the past? What things has he seen others do, say his parents, friends, siblings and their significant others? Tell him stories about your own background, what you really liked and didn’t. Tell him stories of people you know, too. Buy him thoughtful gifts and take him to places he likes. If he’s a gentleman he’ll be likely to reciprocate. Do little things together that are romantic first and build from there. Try going for walks on the beach, in the park, through museums, art galleries, shopping areas, and so on. Go hiking to waterfalls. Visit fountains. Eat at tiny bistros. Attend a poetry reading or a spoken word competition. Perhaps suggest that you two write each other love poems afterwards, just as something fun to do together as a couple. If either of you are musical, try to compose a song together, or write songs about one another. Why not try to bring out his competitive side? Challenge him to a romance contest. You both agree to do something romantic for one another by week’s end. The best gesture wins a special reward. For more ideas, read the advice of K. M. Ryan in her book, How To Be Romantic: 4,000+ Romantic Ideas For Couples.

Snagging a Doctor

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Are you attracted to people in positions of power? Some people always have a thing for the teacher, police officer, politician, lawyer or a doctor. Others have fantasies dealing with the medical profession itself. Doctors are well educated, well paid and have a high social status. Ergo snagging a doctor can be really attractive to some. Of course there are lots of very nice, kind, charming and funny doctors out there, too. But how do you snag one? Before you jump right in, there are a few things to consider when dating a doctor. The demands of medical school, your residency, and working at a hospital or a private practice all add up to you being alone a lot of the time. Being a doctor is very demanding. Dates can be cancelled and plans can often change. You may have a special dinner date arranged that can be ruined with one cell phone call. It’s important to be flexible. Another thing to understand is that the doctor’s patients come first. That means he or she may be called away from time to time, even if it’s your birthday or some other important occasion. Some people dating a doctor can’t handle all the time spent apart, and they feel like they are second fiddle to the doctor’s career. Forget vacations, at least when they are starting out. If a doctor is on-call, you can’t expect them to turn off their cell phone just because you want to spend a nice quiet dinner together without distractions.

Some people want the doctor they are dating to be their own doctor. But is this a good idea? You want them to appreciate your body instead of examining you like a specimen. If you are still interested in snagging a doctor, first find out where doctors are or hang out. Is there a medical school in your town? Why not find local haunts around the school frequented by medical students? Go to different medical conventions. Get free screenings at clinics and flirt with the doctor. Ask if your friends know anyone who is single and a doctor, if you are brave enough. Go to professional mixers. Try any local doctor organizations and see where they hold their meetings. Show up and see who is single. There are lots of ways to bump into or flirt with doctors and see if you can get a date. Determine if this is a casual dating fantasy you are fulfilling or if you really want to marry a doctor. Understand that just because someone has a certain profession doesn’t mean that you are meant to be with them. Instead, you should choose someone that is trustworthy, kind, considerate, loving, funny, interesting, and whom you have things in common with. Instead, why don’t you go to medical school? You’ll meet plenty of future doctors, fulfill your interests in medicine, and who knows, maybe a doctor groupie will be hunting for you.