Things Divorce Teaches You about Marriage

divorce

Things Divorce Teaches You about Marriage

A divorce can be devastating. It’s one of those pains that you don’t really understand unless you’ve been through it. Not only does it cause tremendous upheaval in your life, it alters how you view yourself and romantic relationships. Some people swear off marriage wholeheartedly, while others jump into the next one as if their last had nothing to teach them. But most of us reflect on the state of marriage and relationships at this time. If a split is anything it’s a great teacher. Here are some things divorce teaches you about marriage. First, marriages are always different for those living them than how they are viewed from the outside. Sometimes when someone gets divorced, others are shocked, thinking they had the perfect marriage. Issues that seem reconcilable to some are end games to others. But some people somehow find a way to make it work. Everyone’s marriage is a bit messy, much like human life, though they may seem picture perfect from where you stand. If we could just break down the walls and talk about what marriage is really like, instead of putting on airs, perhaps we could make everyone’s better.

Another problem leading to divorce is a sexless marriage. Make time to be physical together. Statistics show that 20% of marriages today are sexless. But becoming physically intimate is a way for both people to bond. Being in a sexless marriage itself may be a big warning sign that things aren’t going well for one or both parties. Of course men tend to compartmentalize. With women, if things aren’t going well in the relationship, goings-on in the bedroom suffer. That’s because to a woman the emotional intimacy in the relationship is what’s most important. Though this may be important for a man, most men are more driven by libido. A failed marriage makes us look at other marriages in a new way. What are others really struggling with and how do they make it work? Communication is always crucial. But so is negotiation, not holding grudges, clearing the air and coming to a deep understanding of one another. We also need to accept the flaws in ourselves and our spouse for what they are. Recognition is one thing, acceptance another. One of the common causes of divorce is infidelity. Some people are shocked when they find that their husband or wife was cheating. A person may be an incredible breadwinner, an expert parent, a phenomenal homemaker and still have a spouse who cheats. The reason people go astray is they are trying to heal something wrong inside the relationship through outside means.

One of the problems with modern marriage that experts often point out is that we expect our spouse to take up all of the roles that traditionally an entire village provided. We want them to be our mentor, coach, partner, lover, confidante, best friend, co-parent and more. Find some of these needs outside your relationship if you can, and take some pressure off of your spouse. Spending some time with friends or close family members and becoming more well-rounded people by spending time at one’s favorite pursuits can help replenish each person and the marriage as well. But tenaciously clinging to one’s partner can bring the whole thing down. It’s best when both people are totally fulfilled, realized people who choose to go through life together. Marriage isn’t easy. But for most Americans, they see little alternative. We’ve been called serial monogamists and perhaps it still fits, at least if you are of a certain generation. Statistically, second marriages are less likely to last. Some say the third one is a charm. Be that as it may, don’t wallow in a failed marriage, learn from it and make your next relationship the romance of a lifetime. For more pick up a copy of, Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On by Robert LaCrosse and Christine A. Coates.

When Using Dating Apps look out for Scammers

TINDER-DATING-APP

When Using Dating Apps look out for Scammers

Only two years ago did steamy, hookup app Tinder hit smart phones across the nation. Today, they claim one billion matches among users. But not everyone on the app is who their profile says. 21 year old Kristin Shotwell, a junior at the University of North Carolina, was one day approached by a friend who showed her a profile, using her picture, of some girl named “Kim.” It said Shotwell was on the University of Georgia in Athens, when in fact she was on her own campus. Her friend texted her a screenshot of the Tinder profile. Shotwell told NBC News, “That is when it hit home, when I saw my face on a bio that had nothing to do with me.” Of course con artists have used love as a ploy forever. But dating apps are making scams much easier to pull off.  All a computer savvy con artist has to do is piece together a profile from information found on the internet, a photo here, a little information there and viola. For Shotwell, the profile and other photos were acquired from her Facebook page. But she says she made all of her photos private. The Internet Crime Complaint Center follows such crimes. The multi-agency entity says since 2012, dating app and website scams have cost Americans $55 million.

Though relatively new, Tinder boasts 10 million users. It has been so popular, corporate giant IAC recently bought more stock in the company. It is already a majority holder. Yet it felt the need to acquire another 10% to the tune of $500 million. Still, though popular, it may be a playground for charlatans. At this point, there is no way of knowing. It’s too new to have any statistics, yet. Security response manager Satnam Narang, from internet security giant Symantec told NBC News, “Because there are so many people using the app, it’s a ripe target for scammers.” Tinder matches you up with other users. You can select either to accept or reject them. But if a swim suit model or a shirtless man with a six pack responds very excitedly to your acceptance, you could be up against a bot. Bots are software that can give canned responses to questions. Some are easy to notice. They aren’t the best conversationalists. Ask something simple or even out of the ordinary and you are liable to foul them up. Still, every once in a while one slips under the radar. NTT Com Security consultant Chris Camejo said, “People are suckers when it comes to relationships. Show a guy a picture of a pretty girl and he will do pretty much anything.”

Many security experts agree. There are usually two types of scams you can run on a dating website. The first one is as mentioned, using bots. This is a low-quality, less time consuming, but high volume method. These scams are designed to deliver malware. Some also get users to adult websites. There are users on Tinder have reported, for instance, that after accepting a fake profile, they were brought to a game called “Castle Cash.” But Tinder in an email to NBC News said they were “aware of the accounts in question and are taking the necessary steps to remove them.” The other strategy is to have a fake profile, make contact and work a person, in order to get access to their money. This is analogous to the old swindle where a supposed U.S. serviceman, who after exchanging letters for some time, asks for a loan to buy a plane ticket, in order to meet in person. But once they receive the money, they never show up. Though Tinder has not had this kind of thing happen yet, other sites have. FBI Special Agent Darrell Foxworth in an interview on NBC said that these scams come from all over the world. Two Colorado women recently bilked 384 online daters out of $1 million, all told. Foxworth said that for the victims, “The emotions that they display range from anger to severe sadness and depression, and often times they criticize themselves for being duped out of their money.” He added, “It’s crushing emotionally and it can be crushing to them financially. It takes a toll.” Some aren’t outright financial cons, but instead mere hijinks. The scammer may be angry, lonely or just plain bored. Of course, it is important to be on your guard when using these sites. Most people are honest. But if you just get tripped up by a false profile, laugh it off. If they ask you for money get rid of them immediately, and report it if you can. For more on this subject read, How to Avoid On-line Dating Scams by Mitch Conway.

Things not to do When Dating

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The dating landscape has become more confusing. Different people have different styles. Some are more lax while others are more formal. Some people like cultural jaunts like museums and art galleries. Others don’t want to do something stuffy like that. A fun date to them is a night out at a club, bar, or sporting event. And etiquette is hard to figure out, too. Should you wear something formal or casual? Where should you meet? Is it alright to kiss on the first date, or more? Usually, if you two have chemistry, you just fall into the right pattern. For blind dates, it could be a lot more difficult to discern since you don’t really know the person. And chatting on the phone, texting, and emailing are way different from what happens when you are face-to-face with someone new. All that said, there is a list of things not to do when dating. If you follow this outline, you should be alright no matter what the situation.

If it’s a blind date, or you met only once, make absolutely sure to know the person’s name. This sounds straightforward to some, but many people pretend to know someone’s name even when they don’t. This can lead to problems later, embarrassing social situations, and it reflects poorly on you. Early on, just simply say, “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” Repeat it back to the person when they say it. If you have trouble with names, make up a rhyme or use a mnemonic device. Don’t pretend to like something you actually don’t like. You will be surprised at how many people do this. But if it comes out later, it looks as though you were lying, putting strain on the relationship. You won’t have fun. You’ll be even more tense. And isn’t the point just being yourself? Put your cell phone down. In fact, turn it off. I think the world can live without you tweeting for a couple of hours. It’s rude to be looking at your phone on a date. Focus on the person instead. Make sure you wait a significant amount of time before introducing your date to your friends and family. Three to six months is a good rule of thumb. Don’t avoid difficult topics. After the first date, when you feel more comfortable, slowly allow the person to get to know who you are. Don’t hide anything significant from them. Following these rules, you should be ready for whatever dating situations come your way.

Valentine’s Day Single Guy Style

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There is a lot of pressure to get a date for Valentine’s Day. But is it worth it? Splurging on someone you hardly know, going through the motions of a relationship that is over, or trying to renew something with an old flame that’s moved on do not seem like good choices (askmen.com). It’s better to celebrate Valentine’s Day single guy style. Shed the need to grab a date. If it isn’t real, why fake it? You don’t need a date. In fact, you’ll save a whole lot of money, time and awkwardness if you just take a little time to focus on your first love, numero uno. Here are some ways you can enjoy Valentine’s Day while flying solo. First, realize how overpriced all of the gifts are on this Hallmark holiday and be proud that you don’t have to fall victim to it. Instead, with all the money you’ve saved, why not splurge on yourself? What was that thing you’ve had your eye on and haven’t picked up yet? Well, maybe now is the time to get it. Have a holiday for yourself. Get a massage, play a round of golf, hit the batting cages or grab another single friend and hit the single’s bar. There could be a great person there who doesn’t have a date. Perhaps this would be a good time to sidle over and chat one up who catches your eye.

If you were invited to a party, go stag. Why not? Someone else has already footed the bill for the food and booze. There might be singles there. If there aren’t, hang for a bit and hit a couple of places on the way home. Lots of singles go out and drown their sorrows on Valentine’s Day. You can go and cheer them up. Who knows where that might lead? If you know a lot of single friends, why not throw a party? It would be a great chance to get together. If you have some other single friends, go and hit all the single’s bars. They can be your wingmen. Or if you’re tired of looking for a date, retire to drinks, pool, darts, bowling, and whatever other stuff you like to do. Do you have a hobby you hardly spend time on anymore due to other responsibilities? Why not spend a few hours with that? Get in front of your canvas, your computer, pick up that axe, or slide under that old hot rod you’ve been meaning to fix up. If you are just tired of everything around you, your social circle, your job, and your town, take a little trip. A road trip with a single buddy would be a blast. If you have the means, buy a plane ticket and head out to Vegas. Valentine’s Day is just one silly day out of the year where people go and drop tons of cash to show how much they care, only to break up or get divorced. Some people stick together, but Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with it. Realize that and smile.