Ending the Affair

end affair

Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

hookup

What’s the Best Way to Breakup with a Hookup?

Whether you are dating again after a divorce, staving off marriage, are too busy for a serious relationship or believe monogamy is antiquated system with no place in the modern world, you are immersed in the exciting albeit confusing, hookup culture.  And anyone who has spent any amount of time in it comes to a point where they have to break up with someone that they aren’t actually dating. The whole experience can feel like a double edged sword. You didn’t get the benefits of a relationship exactly but you still have to go through the worst part. Some people try to hint around as if they are all-of-a-sudden completely unavailable. But lots of people, of both genders, fail to take the hint. Of course, you may ask what the best way to breakup with a hookup is, but it all comes down to who you both are and how you relate. Do you do normal couple things but are still in the incubator stage of your relationship? Or is this a drunk dial booty call on a Friday night? Just as the punishment should fit the crime, the type of non-relationship you share with this person should determine the way you break up with them.

If you shared meals, hung out in bars or spent a significant amount of time together, this person is owed a face-to-face breakup. Just be honest with them. Sit them down and let them know that you want a plutonic relationship and still want to remain friends. If you aren’t feeling it anymore, say so. When you act like a couple the lines between hookup and relationship tend to blur. You’ll want to clear things up in a way that leaves no room for confusion. If this is the drunk hookup, let them know that it’s been fun but you just want to be friends from here on out. If you really aren’t attached a phone call might suffice, if it’s just a case of text and grind. Then there are those times where you just went out on one date and you are 100% sure the chemistry isn’t there and never will be. Just tell them so. Here perhaps over the phone might be alright as well. If you two have been hanging out a long time, or worse yet were at one time thick as thieves, this is the serious, sit-down breakup.  Perhaps they said or did something that soured you. Maybe you met someone else who flips your switch and lights you up like Las Vegas, or things just coasted into boringsville fast. Whatever the case, you have to sit this person down in a quiet, comfortable setting and explain why. Don’t let it feel like you are stomping on their heart. But they do deserve the truth. If you think they’ll make a scene, do it in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house.

Do go out of your way to let them down gently. Don’t gossip with your friends. Word does get around and then how will you look when it reaches your former hookup? If you are dropping this person, drop them. If you drunk dial them a week later and get it on, you’ll be in the same situation all over again. Erase them from your phone and email. Maybe keep them on your social media pages or else your actions may seem hurtful. Resist the urge of calling them and starting the cycle all over again, or don’t break up with them at all. Don’t dwell on the situation. Learn from this experience and integrate it into your future pursuits. Certainly even the most short-lived relationships can leave you with a good memory. Sometimes it helps to close with that memory and how you’ll cherish it. It leaves both of you feeling good. For more on traversing the harrowing landscape of love read, Sex at First Sight: Understanding the Modern Hookup by Richard E. Simmons III.

Let Someone Down Easy

BREAKUPS

Let Someone Down Easy

It isn’t easy to reject someone. It doesn’t just hurt them, it hurts you, too. But the longer you wait the worse it gets, and the higher their expectations. Best to nip it in the bud, as difficult as that may seem.  It you are in a bad relationship and you need the motivation to step up and end it, this is for you, too. Here are some ways to let someone down easy, so you both can feel a little bit better and can get on with your lives. First, make sure that you are direct. Don’t try to soften the blow and leave the door open, thus giving the person false hope. Then you are just going to hurt them again in the future.

Let them know why. Try to word it in the most direct yet gentle way possible. But you do owe them an explanation. This is a moment for them of clarity, and perhaps personal growth and change. Whether you are looking for a long term commitment or you are just in two different places in your lives and going in different directions, tell the truth and they will respect it. Don’t give the person a huge list of things that were wrong with them. If you have a list of grievances, best to keep them to yourself. Perhaps narrow it down to one or two cogent things that the person can work on in terms of personal growth. Otherwise you are just going to be playing the blame game.

Make sure to stay calm, no matter what happens, what outrageous thing they do or if they break down, be a straight shooter and don’t get emotionally involved. You can comfort but from a distance. Remind them of something nice you once did together, or a memory you both share and how you will treasure it always. Don’t attack them but don’t let them attack you either. Try to act in a dignified way and if they start pulling low blows keep yours above the belt. Let them know how it makes you feel when they talk in such a way. Chances are they will stop. Don’t communicate with them. Don’t let them suck you back in. Lots of people start to miss their ex right away. But then they end up right back in the same position they were in to begin with.

It’s important not to waste your time in love or else you will spend a lot of time unhappy and unfulfilled. Life is too short for that nonsense. Don’t back out and don’t settle for less. But be sure to do it face-to-face. The only time it’s acceptable to break up via a phone call or text is if the other person was controlling, manipulative, or abusive either physically or mentally. Don’t follow them on social media. Don’t contact your ex when it’s too soon or hang out with them, even if it’s in a group. No matter what, someone is going to feel uncomfortable and that can bring everyone else down. Leave them alone for a while and let it be a clean break. Do give them all their stuff back undamaged and expect yours to be in the same condition. Do understand that this is just a speed bump on the road to a better tomorrow. For more breakup advice read, Breaking Up: How to Leave When You Finally Know It’s Broken by John Alanis.

Why Gchat is Ruining Your Relationship

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Why Gchat is Ruining Your Relationship

If you don’t know and it hasn’t taken over your life yet, Gchat or Google Chat is an I.M. system through Gmail that office workers, 20-somethings and others use. Sure it makes it easy and convenient for you to chat with your friends. But as good as that is, inherent in its ease lays the problem. You can have many chat windows open at the same time. So you can chat with a whole lot of people at once. It’s good if you want a quick answer to a question let’s say and don’t want to get up and go in another room or cubicle to get it. But this ease is lulling. Gchat can easily take over your life, making you shirk off your responsibilities. Then you have to take away free time to get your work done and then your relationship, which is usually what you invest in during that free time, misses out. It suffers and is neglected. And neglect is why Gchat is ruining your relationship or has the potential to.

It’s not like the stuff being discussed on Gchat is so worthwhile. Author Chandler Bolt whose book is called The Productive Person says of the IM program, “A lot of the stuff that happens on Gchat is not necessarily productive and wouldn’t be talked about in real life — it’s surface-level nonsense that’s getting in the way of why you’re in the office to begin with.” The biggest problem is that it encourages users to multitask which experts have shown lowers the quality and completion time of all tasks.

Another problem is that Gchat causes undue anxiety in our relationships. When we message our significant other and they don’t get back instantly, though we know they might be busy in a meeting or something, our mind starts to wonder and worry. What could they be doing? Who are they with? Did something happen to them, like an accident? The Distraction Addiction author Alex Soojung-Kim Pang says of this phenomenon, “[Technologies like Gchat] make us think that because the technology is ‘instant’ and free, people should respond instantly — and there’s something wrong when they don’t.” Chatting all day with your partner on Gchat can feel like you are keeping in touch and even have spent all day with one another, but the emotional side is lacking. We aren’t fulfilled emotionally as we are when we are in that person’s presence. Being face-to-face is what really brings back those emotions in us and helps us to connect, bond, deepen the relationship and create intimacy.

It’s better to leave the Gchat off and get your work done, respect your lover’s boundaries and reconnect at lunch over a phone call or at the end of the day. You run out of things to talk about when you communicate solely through I.M. Miscommunication can put a toll on the relationship, and an argument doesn’t get resolved as easily when there is no time away to cool off. So use Gchat sparingly and spend one-on-one time with the person you love.

For a Healthy Relationship, Don’t Text in These Situations

TEXTING

For a Healthy Relationship, Don’t Text in These Situations

With the advent of smart phones, we have our partner at our fingertips any time of the day or night. Small matters of course like coordinating plans, schedules, a steamy sext or a quick message to warm the heart, are all great ways to use texting to enhance your relationship. The problem is, texting has become so ubiquitous for couples and everyone else that we start to think we can share anything in this medium. But the fact is you can’t, not if you want the outcome to be positive. In fact, there are certain things that should not be discussed via text, for the health of the relationship. The reason, it can be so easy to misinterpret what is being said. Used sparingly and in the right situations, texting can help. Utilized in an improper manner, it can exacerbate problems and strain the relationship. Here are some things you shouldn’t text about. If you and your partner have recently gotten into an argument and you thought of a great fact, some supporting evidence, or just something you should have said, do not text it to them. Texting your side of an argument to your partner can feel right at the time. They can’t interrupt you. They have to listen to you. But this is a poor decision for a whole host of reasons.

It could be viewed as cowardly, texting rather than telling them face-to-face. Chances are they aren’t going to let things go, either. Now, instead of snuffing out the argument, you are fanning the flames. The next time you see one another, a conflagration is likely to occur. In this situation, talking about a fight via text is forcing your partner to take your words. So they either have to respond or give you dead silence. Either way, no one is satisfied and the fight gets worse. So what is a better strategy? Even if you just want to let them have it, think about the long-term. What strategies can you employ to make both of you satisfied with the outcome? If there is none, time to negotiate. But in the interim, perhaps take this time to reflect more passively, more objectively on the situation. Once you are calm, mull over the facts. What is your partner’s view of things, as you understand them? Take a look carefully at their point of view. Are you aware of everything that is going on? What other factors may be influencing their perspective? If you do not understand this point of view, maybe now is the time to organize a few questions to ask them, in a way that will lead to information rather than defensiveness. How we conduct arguments is important, probably one of the most important things, as it separates those couples who will make it, from those who won’t. Learn to fight respectfully. Doing so in the presence of one another shows more respect. And down-time before face-time could be just the thing you need, to gain perspective and get your thoughts in order.

If you know there is an issue that is going to set your partner off, do not text them about it. Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news, particularly if it is something that rubs their lover the wrong way. You will feel stressed in how to address it, and trepidation on how they might respond. Texting takes that awkwardness out of it for you, but rubs salt in the wound for them. Texting in this case sends a message that you’re more concerned about getting the message across than the impact it has on your partner. In other words, you care more about getting it over with than about their feelings receiving this bad news. All difficult news should be delivered in person. Try to think about their position, the type of person they are, and how you would feel receiving such news. Some people just want you to be there for them. You will know how to respond in the moment. Trust your instincts. But do a little homework, too. Compose what you are going to say. You can even let a friend who knows them well hear how you are going to deliver the news, and see if they can offer some tips. Finally, don’t use texting as a means for trying to get closer to your partner. Nothing beats the sound of someone’s voice, or looking into their eyes the first time they say, “I love you.” A text message will never deliver the same impact. You can affirm feelings that are already established. But if those feelings aren’t there, and the emotional closeness you seek hasn’t been established, texting is not the way forward. A relationship can only be truly close when it is conducted, for the most part, face-to-face. For those who wish reading a relationship was as easy as reading a text, read Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. MFT.