Ending the Affair

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Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

10 Tips to Help your Children Cope with Divorce

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Children at any age have trouble dealing with their parents’ divorce. They can feel sad, stressed, angry and confused. Younger children are generally clingy and feel anxious and sad. That’s because they depend on their parents more. Children in adolescence however are more prone to shutting themselves off, becoming more independent, perhaps more rebellious and may harbor feelings of being betrayed. It behooves you to take extra special care of your children to help them adjust to this new family arrangement. A recent study out of the U.K. found that children from single parent or step parent homes were just as happy as those from dual parent homes. So your child can become just as happy and well adjusted. It’s just enduring this transition period and the immediate aftermath, a time that is precarious and difficult for you and for them. Divorce is a big change and as their parent, don’t forget to get the help and support that you need. Luckily, you are not alone. And there have been plenty that have come before and so after. So there is a lot of advice and strategies that you can employ to make that change as easy and the outcome as positive as possible.

Here are 10 tips to help your children cope with divorce. The first step is to reassure the children you will always love them and be there for them. Let them know that you are always there for them and listen carefully to what they have to say. When they are with your ex for the weekend call them, text and email. Write your children letters to say things you or they are too uncomfortable to say out loud. Keep asking them questions, hugging them, loving them and giving them advice. If you pay them close attention and keep on top of them, they’ll know that they’re loved. Step two, run a household and a schedule that is full of structure. Your top priority should be the children’s well-being, as it should your ex-spouse’s. For the third step, try to work out an arrangement with your ex to provide ample structure for co-parenting. Try to work out the rules, structure, scheduling and so on. You are going to have to deal with one another. So it’s important for the children’s sake to at least have some simple idea of how things are going to work, how you will interact and so on. Perhaps corresponding via email is easier with certain couples in particular situations. Text messaging for short check-ins and alerts is good, too. Don’t make your child the middle man. It will give them anxiety and will be terribly uncomfortable for them. Surely, it’s an unfair position as well. You and your ex are going to have to communicate over the children for decades to come, perhaps forever. So you might as well start getting used to it now.

Don’t act upset or jealous regarding what’s going on with the other parent. Certainly don’t grill the child if he or she is seeing someone else. This puts pressure on the child. They feel as though they have to choose sides. This isn’t a fair position either. Save these conversations for your adult friends or family members out of your children’s sight or hearing. Tell your kids the complete truth. If they are young, make the truth simple so that they can understand it. Let them know mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore, but no one is going to stop loving them. Tell them how much you love them all of the time. Let the kids know that some things are going to change, and what they are. Let them know how you will deal with them together as a family, and how other things will stay the same and what they are, too. Be aware of your child’s age. Older children may want to know more details and specifics. Make sure you say things in a way that are age appropriate but that are honest and that they can understand. Make sure to clear up any misunderstandings about the divorce. This is why talking about things and hearing your child’s opinion on things is so important. They may not know the words for what they are feeling, but you can be patient, listen and help them find the right words.

Give the children a comfortable routine that they can settle into. Show your affection physically. Don’t try to buy their affection. Your time and attention are worth far more. Be tactful and don’t blame everything on your ex. If you two can, try to put up a united front. You are still parenting together and the kids should know that. Don’t let them play divide and conquer games to get what they want. If one parent says no to a purchase or an activity, the other should know about it and set the same policy. Let the children know that they should actively seek a deep relationship with both of their parents. Remember to also take care of yourself. If you are depressed or stressed out it isn’t good for your own life, but it will also affect the children. Instead, journal, find a support group, reach out to friends and family, and take a little time to yourself. For more advice, pick up a copy of Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce by JoAnne Pedro-Carroll.

Communicating your Weaknesses to your Date

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Just like with a job interview, in today’s high speed dating world possible mates want to know your weaknesses right up front. They aren’t trying to pry. They are busy with their careers and life too and only want to know about compatibility. If you are to love someone, you have to accept them for who they are. And if they have shortcomings you just can’t live with, there goes compatibility. There aren’t ever any perfect answers when discussing these with a potential romantic partner. But you want to paint your drawbacks in the best possible light. And really, what is life but a constant chance to work on ourselves? We should be able to communicate our weaknesses to a date with flare, even panache. It’s accepting your flaws, laughing at them, and feeling comfortable in your own skin that is most attractive. But how do you communicate your weaknesses to a date? First, if you’re not already, take some time and focus on becoming more self-aware. What are your shortcomings? If you say you don’t have any, your problem is obviously self-awareness. Everyone has weaknesses, but knowing what they are and compensating for them is seen as a great strength. Be honest with yourself and others. Don’t give them a canned, blanket response. They’ll recognize it and it will sound dishonest.

Instead, tell them what the problem really is, put it in the best light, and try to show how you cope or mitigate your shortcomings. For instance, being a perfectionist is not enough. Though this may send bells ringing that you are too high maintenance, unless this person is a perfectionist themselves, then it’s a match made in heaven. But tell them that your perfectionism is something you are working on. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings or drive them away. Or that you often fall behind in other tasks while concentrating in making this one thing perfect, causing you more stress. Of course, the person you are dating may find this cute or even do the same thing, in which case you are in. Or they may compliment you, they being the laid back type and you the high strung, ergo helping to balance one another out. Make sure your explanation is concise and clear. Don’t go on and on. No one wants a long list of enumerated faults on a date. Dates are supposed to be fun, not therapy. The person asks because they are interested in you. Maybe you seem too good to be true and they want to know what you are hiding, or what they may be in for.  Show how you are proactive in coping with or mitigating your shortfalls. But don’t let your date off the hook. If they ask, respond with the same question. It’ only fair. And see how they handle it. For more tips on what to ask your date, read the advice of M. D. Chuka in his book, 101 Good Questions to Ask on a Date: Discover Conversation Topics and Questions that will Eliminate any Incidence of Awkward Silence and Increase Attraction with Your Date.