Does your Ex make you Jealous?

jealous

Does your Ex make you Jealous?

When you’ve been together with someone you care about and you break up, it’s hard to pivot away from seeing them as yours and instead seeing them as someone you’re not associated with anymore. But that painful transition becomes compounded when your ex moves on before you’ve had a chance to fully heal. Don’t hasten through when you aren’t ready. But don’t wallow in misery either. Some people reflect on it over and over, making the heart sicker than it needs to be. Instead, let the grieving take its course but focus on healing. Stop focusing on what your ex is doing and focus on what you are doing. Learn how to let go.

Whether they are enraptured in a rebound relationship with a would-be superstar or are touring the Vegas Strip, ask yourself what it really matters what they are doing? Should your focus really be on them? If they are going out on a rebound or partying up a storm, it shouldn’t matter. And what does it really say about them? Are they really emotionally secure or are they making grand gestures to show how “over” you they are, in effect showing a deeper side of how not over you they really are? If they were so over you why would they go through all of this trouble to show that they were?

Sometimes we focus on our ex as a target for the horrible emotions a breakup puts you through. We want an outlet and hating them becomes a good one. But it can also become an obsession and take away your own power, and your life. Your goal is to rejuvenate yourself. Become the person you’ve always wanted to be. Make this a transformative experience. Learn from it so you can make your next relationship ten thousand times better than the last and you ten thousand times better than the person you were.

Sometimes you aren’t ready to accept that things are over. But that is strictly part of the grieving process. Even at its worst you know brighter days are ahead. The pain subsides little by little each day, wearing away like a season until that season is gone. Let it go naturally of its own accord. Explore where the hurt really comes from. Is your ego bruised? Was it really this person? Was there some other deep seeded thing that surfaced in this relationship? Explore the root of your jealousy and use it to find out what issues and baggage you brought to the table, how you can own those, and release them from it. Through this transformative experience, that of self-discovery, you will ultimately become free. For more advice read, How to Stop Being Jealous and Insecure: Overcome Insecurity and Relationship Jealousy by Michele Gilbert.

Ways Women Manipulate that Men can see from a Mile Away

Young couple talking

Ways Women Manipulate that Men can see from a Mile Away

The battle of the sexes has been raging since the beginning of humanity, though of course it’s gotten much more sophisticated as time has gone on. Men and women are both guilty of manipulating one another in overt and covert ways. Here are some ways women manipulate that men can see from a mile away. Men can see right through the cold shoulder. They are all too familiar with the “nothing is wrong” game. When you suddenly don’t want to talk, don’t want to be near him or be touched by him. But what is the point of acting this way? You are only going to drive a wedge between the two of you. Instead, ask for some space. Wait to calm down. Find the words to say what you are feeling.

Remember that good communication is the foundation to a healthy relationship. And if you can make him see what he did wrong and ways to make amends, if he’s a good man he will do everything in his power to do so. What about the restaurant choosing situation? He asks you “Where do you want to eat?” You say you don’t care. He proceeds to list every restaurant in the city to which you reject, each and every one until your choice is made. You win the battle but not the war. He sees right through this.

Guys see right through statements that reveal jealousy, such as asking who a female friend or coworker is and if he thinks she’s attractive. He also sees through round about questioning that just happen to incorporate her. Your boyfriend knows that you are just trying to see if evoking her name gives him a hint of excitement. Men can see right through it when it’s supposed to be a casual relationship but you happen to make pancakes one morning and invite him over, soon he’s stopping at the grocery store on the way home, and before you know it you both are walking down the aisle. But if he loves you he is enchanted by the spell you’ve waved over him.

Men can see right through it when women flirt with someone in order to make them jealous, especially after a breakup or when a relationship is on the rocks. When a woman asks “Why do you love me?” he knows that she is trying to poke holes in his case and he’s in trouble. A man knows that when you are asking about his ex offhandedly you are seeing if he has any feelings. Men see through it when women are friends with their ex, saying they’re just friends, when it’s obvious there is more going on there. Lastly, men see right through your little reasons to come see them, just to be around them. And they love it anyway. To learn more about women and their behavior read, The Female Brain by Louanne Brizendine, M.D.

Reasons Men end Relationships

BREAKING-UP

Reasons Men end Relationships

There are the normal reasons men end relationships such as his girlfriend is too clingy, a high maintenance drama queen, a baby, a cheater, a gold digger, too freaky to bring home to mom, always complaining, gossipy, or have nothing in common with. But there are little reasons too, that are often off of a woman’s radar that a man will end a relationship. Have you ever fought with your family or spoken to them in a harsh manner in front of him? This can be a deal breaker for men. If that’s just the way you talk in your family and you are serious about this guy, sit him down and explain it to him. Not all families, ethnicities and customs are the same. It can often be hard to understand as an outsider. But if you are clearly disrespecting your parents in front of him and you have no excuse for it, think about what it makes him think about you.

When all the photos you have on your Instagram, Facebook and other social media sites are all about partying your man notices, and he wonders. Just as if you have some idea that a man parties too much or might have an alcohol or substance abuse problem. Make sure to have photos of varying kinds. And go on dates with your special guy to the coffee house, museum, art gallery, park or some other romantic and cerebral venue. Guys can feel vulnerable if you talk about your ex too much. It makes him think they are the rebound guy or that that relationship meant more to you than the one you are in with him. Instead, proceed carefully and let these stories unfold over time. Keep the lines of communication open and make him comfortable enough to ask you anything. And expect him to return the favor. For more advice read, Why You’re Still Single: The 7 Deadly Mistakes to Avoid with Men by James Taylor.

End the Breakup Cycle

wall

End the Breakup Cycle

It was Seinfeld in an episode called “The Voice” where Jerry outlines a particular dating phenomenon we’ve seen many times, “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over…” What he’s talking about is the breakup cycle, where a couple makes up and breaks up many times, driving themselves and all the people around them crazy. Sure there are great benefits both people get out of this relationship. But there’s a certain issue or set of issues getting in the way of them finding love without static. If it’s at the beginning of a relationship, it usually means someone is testing things out with you, and perhaps with someone else too. Maybe he or she wants to know who is better for them.

If you believe that there is someone else in their life, why not find someone else too? It will give you another option should this relationship not work out. And it makes that other person take notice. Nothing makes a lover take notice more than when another contender is in the mix. All of a sudden your stock on the love market has shot up. Besides, do you really want to be with someone who’s not really into you? That depends where you are in life. If you’re just dating around and seeing what you like, it’s perfectly valid. But if you are on a desperate quest for “the one,” not so much.

The truth is that for long term relationships that hit a wall, and cycle through conflicts with no end, it can be draining, and emotionally painful for both parties. The couple splits up, and each person descends on their own corner. Instead of baring their souls and communicating they sit apart and throw up walls. Instead of cooperating they compete. Instead of hugging they are at each other’s throats. Sometimes the enemy is not our significant other, it is ourselves. It’s what we bring to the relationship. Take a time out. A break to help clear the air and give you some breathing room, some time to think. How do these conflicts arise? Who causes them? What role do you play? Look at it honestly. Talk to other people who know your relationship and see what they say.

Next, reengage your significant other. Don’t use blame or shame. Instead use “I” statements. Talk about how it makes you feel when these things happen. See if you can set some rules. Find ways to counteract negative behaviors. Consider seeing a couple’s counselor. Read self-help guides. Talk to friends. Have fun with your significant other. Do something daring together. Make plans and do them. Feel renewed. Find new ways to have fun in the bedroom. If they are unwilling or unable to help renew the relationship, end it, grieve and move on. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. For more insight read, Should You Break Up? 21 Questions You Should Ask Yourself If You Can Truly Be Happy In Your Relationship Or If You Should Break Up by Glenda Burney.

Let Someone Down Easy

BREAKUPS

Let Someone Down Easy

It isn’t easy to reject someone. It doesn’t just hurt them, it hurts you, too. But the longer you wait the worse it gets, and the higher their expectations. Best to nip it in the bud, as difficult as that may seem.  It you are in a bad relationship and you need the motivation to step up and end it, this is for you, too. Here are some ways to let someone down easy, so you both can feel a little bit better and can get on with your lives. First, make sure that you are direct. Don’t try to soften the blow and leave the door open, thus giving the person false hope. Then you are just going to hurt them again in the future.

Let them know why. Try to word it in the most direct yet gentle way possible. But you do owe them an explanation. This is a moment for them of clarity, and perhaps personal growth and change. Whether you are looking for a long term commitment or you are just in two different places in your lives and going in different directions, tell the truth and they will respect it. Don’t give the person a huge list of things that were wrong with them. If you have a list of grievances, best to keep them to yourself. Perhaps narrow it down to one or two cogent things that the person can work on in terms of personal growth. Otherwise you are just going to be playing the blame game.

Make sure to stay calm, no matter what happens, what outrageous thing they do or if they break down, be a straight shooter and don’t get emotionally involved. You can comfort but from a distance. Remind them of something nice you once did together, or a memory you both share and how you will treasure it always. Don’t attack them but don’t let them attack you either. Try to act in a dignified way and if they start pulling low blows keep yours above the belt. Let them know how it makes you feel when they talk in such a way. Chances are they will stop. Don’t communicate with them. Don’t let them suck you back in. Lots of people start to miss their ex right away. But then they end up right back in the same position they were in to begin with.

It’s important not to waste your time in love or else you will spend a lot of time unhappy and unfulfilled. Life is too short for that nonsense. Don’t back out and don’t settle for less. But be sure to do it face-to-face. The only time it’s acceptable to break up via a phone call or text is if the other person was controlling, manipulative, or abusive either physically or mentally. Don’t follow them on social media. Don’t contact your ex when it’s too soon or hang out with them, even if it’s in a group. No matter what, someone is going to feel uncomfortable and that can bring everyone else down. Leave them alone for a while and let it be a clean break. Do give them all their stuff back undamaged and expect yours to be in the same condition. Do understand that this is just a speed bump on the road to a better tomorrow. For more breakup advice read, Breaking Up: How to Leave When You Finally Know It’s Broken by John Alanis.