How Your Self-Esteem affects your Relationships

SELF-ESTEEM

How Your Self-Esteem affects your Relationships

Do you stand up for yourself in relationships? If you don’t establish boundaries no matter how nice the person you are dating is, they will cross them. The truth is that relationships take both people sacrificing and contributing time, energy, patience and love for it to work. Here is how your self-esteem affects your relationships, though you might not be aware of when or how.

First, let’s define self-esteem. This is how you feel about yourself. Do you have a positive or negative self-image? What is your self-worth like? Some people think they’re worth a billion just for smiling. Others feel their utterly worthless. Most of us fall somewhere in between this spectrum. Self-esteem should not be confused with the ego which is the deciphering of your self-importance, helping you to realize how unique and extraordinary you really are. If you have low self-esteem you are liable to think you are lucky to have your partner. But they are just as lucky to have you. You will spend all of your time catering to their needs and fail to speak up for your own needs. It will be all give and zero take. You might expect your lover to know what you want and feel disappointed when they can’t read your mind and suddenly make your desire reality.

But this isn’t living in reality. After a while pent up anger, frustration and resentment will be pointed at your lover. You will be driving away the very person you want in your life. Or else you will be the perpetual servant waiting on your lover without receiving your fair share in return. Find ways to pump up your self-esteem. Start dressing how you want others to perceive you. Believe in yourself. Outline your dreams and ways to make them a reality. Celebrate each small accomplishment and watch your self-esteem grow. Write down five things you love about yourself and refer back and reflect on those things often. Ask your lover, friends and relatives to tell you what they love about you. Write down your skills. Think about how you can use those skills to better your station in life.

Perhaps go back to school, assert yourself and ask for a raise, or quit your job and do a year volunteering in Africa. In your relationship, show parameters. Ask to get your needs met. Be polite but direct. Be patient. Show the person and tell them. If they can’t take part in an equal exchange of power and care get rid of them. Know how to establish and assert yourself or else you’ll be taken advantage of in love and all aspects of life. For more advice read, Self Confidence NOW: Proven Strategies to Instantly Improve Your Self Confidence & Boost Your Self Esteem by William Wyatt.

Get Good Relationship Karma

karma

Get Good Relationship Karma

Do you believe in karma? Karma is an idea from Hinduism that the things you do right morally will bring to you good things in your life increased to the seventh power. Whereas evil actions will bring evil upon you seven times worse that what you’d done, as recompense. Lots of people do good deeds not only because they are the right thing to do but to receive good karma in kind. But even though those good Samaritans do so for the poor and indigent, the young and the elderly, they often overlook karma for one of life’s most important aspects, one’s love life. Here’s how to get good relationship karma. First, don’t dump someone callously.

It’s so painful being dumped, even if the person was a complete jerk, or worse.  Still, try to remember that they have feelings too.  But do them a real favor. Don’t tiptoe around why you are breaking up with them. Let them know what is making the two of you incompatible. The breakup is a real moment to actually help someone with a problem that could, and probably will, creep up in other relationships. If you really want to do a nice turn, tell them what they need to work on. If you get through to them, you will be saving them a lot of heartache in the future.

If you are going through a breakup, in a dating rut, have sworn off romance in bitter disgust, or have just been single for what feels like an eternity, don’t rain on your friend’s parade if they are falling in love. Lots of people, especially those of the female persuasion, get extremely jealous when a friend is falling in love. There is the small talk about the new lover’s flaws and foibles, the imagined breakup, devastating. Here is a good time to put aside those bitter feelings, cleanse yourself of resentment and suppressed rage, and instead focus on your compassion for your friend. You want to radiate love, caring, kindheartedness and consideration and know too that your turn isn’t too far behind your friends.

When you and your wingman or wing woman are chatting up two eligible singles, let your friend steal the limelight. Don’t constantly undercut or out charm your friend. You won’t stay friends for long. Whoever likes someone likes someone and pushing each other out of the spotlight is not the way to go. Don’t let your ego get bruised. Your selflessness will be recognized and revisited upon you sevenfold. For more advice read, Love Karma: Use your Intuition to Find, Create, and Nurture Love in your Life by Char Margolis.

Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

badhabits

Breakup Habits that Exacerbate the Problem

A breakup can tear you up inside, especially if you didn’t see it coming. What’s the best way to breakup? A clean break. But that’s hard to do for a lot of people. The Huffington Post recently conducted the “Breakup with Your ex Survey” and found that 86% of respondents believed a clean break was best, while 64% were still pining for their ex.  If you are in this situation, you may feel all alone, but in fact you are in good company. Still, there are normal go-to habits most people take part in that exacerbates the problem rather than alleviating or lessening it. Don’t fall victim to your own misguided good intentions. Avoid these common pitfalls and you should be on your way to healing that broken heart.

First, don’t leap into bed with someone else the moment you get the chance. Of course you should definitely move on when you’re ready. Finding that you are still loveable and attractive to the opposite sex will renew you. But when the wound is fresh this new relationship is just bound to make you more confused and upset. Instead, take some time to be sad and to mourn.

Next, get rid of your ex on your social media sites. Quit stalking their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the like. Unfriend them as quickly as possible. Some people believe that doing so is sending a message to their ex. But so what? It’s better than watching their every move on social media, and getting yourself more angry and upset than you already are. How can you move on if you keep looking them up? If you two are going to be friends in the future you can refriend them at that time. Don’t confront your ex to get closure. It won’t help any. It will just make you look bad in your ex’s eyes, and others who know about it. Any interaction to provide closure will just result in where you are now, with a broken heart.

Don’t take it as a bruise to your ego. There are reasons why this relationship isn’t healthy, satisfying or compatible. That means you two are just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault, though it’s important to see what you might have done that you may bring to the next relationship. Focus on your feelings, yourself, how incredible you are and ways to soothe your heartache. Don’t brush over your feelings, embrace them. But don’t wallow in self-pity forever. Recognize when it’s time to get back out there. The next great love of your life will bump into you when you least expect it. For more advice read, Breakup Rehab: Start Over Stronger by Rebekah McClaskey, M.A.

Gender Roles have made a Dramatic Shift

stay-at-home-dad

Gender Roles have made a Dramatic Shift

47% of the workforce will be women by 2050. In 1950 that number was 30%. Though we take our ideas of gender roles, men the breadwinners and women the housekeepers, from outdated 1950’s style thinking, the truth is that throughout history men and women have worked together in different ways to provide for the family and manage the household. The number of women may even surpass the number of men in the short term. Gender roles have made a dramatic shift due to the Great Recession.

Traditional male employment industries such as construction and manufacturing took a nose dive. Meanwhile, the only industries that seemed to have survived and thrive are those traditionally the spheres of women such as healthcare, the service industry and education. So does that mean that men are flooding the household realm while the women work outside of the home? Though there has been an uptick in househusbands, research has shown that there is no flood of men into the home. A 2009 New York Times article points out that women who are laid off spend their extra time doting on the children. Time spent with the children remained low no matter if the man was gainfully employed or not.

While the focus used to be more on the job search and the nuts and bolts of finding employment, the emotional sphere seems to be making its way to the forefront as well. Psychologists are noting that men are becoming more able to communicate their emotions than in years past, expressing fears and anxieties about joblessness and other issues. Since the early days of humankind men have gone out and brought home the bacon, either by hunting, or by bringing home a salary. While modern feminism broke women away from traditional roles, men have been slow to adapt. Their egos are wrapped up in their jobs and providing. Though many feel at home being in the home, others chafe at the idea, feel it isn’t manly or are lost. Many social scientists and psychologists note that this breaking out of traditional gender roles is good in the sense that it brings egalitarianism into a marriage or cohabitating relationship. Still, women and men aren’t treated equal. Women still make less than men. Men and women are now free to define themselves. They are struggling with the gender roles of the past, but they are free to define their own future. For more on this topic read, The Unfinished Revolution: Coming of Age in a New Era of Gender, Work, and Family by Kathleen Gerson.

When an Ego Battle Replaces your Relationship

Dispute

When an Ego Battle Replaces your Relationship

Relationships can do funny things to people. The feeling of attachment can also bring confusion, fear of intimacy and the need to guard one’s self. This is due to past traumas during childhood or in previous relationships. So to protect one’s self this person will often lapse into creating fights, sarcasm, vengeful gestures, passive-aggressiveness, resentfulness, over-the-top competitiveness, self-doubt, frustration and aggression.

This person is afraid of letting their guard down or letting someone in for fear of being hurt. If you yourself think you have become stuck in an ego battle that has replaced your relationship, take a look at these signs. Ask your significant other or consider whether you are experiencing these symptoms. This person has a need to control things and situations. They may have a constant critic going in their head. They may be full of put-downs, sarcasm, criticism or ridicule. The ego tries too hard to control the situation. It is doing so in order to protect itself from love and so ironically becomes the very obstacle to what the person desires most, bonding with their love.

Some people go completely the other way. They give up everything to be with their spouse, their friends, family, hobbies, education and everything they value, just to be with the object of their desire. They lose themselves and this becomes their obstacle to their own pleasure, equal love. The last sign that you are in an ego battle is when one person is “Flat-lining.” This is behavior where one person in the relationship tries to disappear in order to not raise the ire of the other, and avoid conflict. They withdraw from their partner and stay in the relationship in name only. There is no engagement or intimacy. If the right relationship skills aren’t learned, even if this relationship doesn’t last, the person with commitment issues will bring the same problems into their next relationships.

Instead of using negative means to interact in your relationship, see the pattern and learn to dis-engage it. If this is your spouse or lover, teach them that they don’t have to act like this, that this isn’t what love is about. Whenever a problem arises, each side should take a deep breath, relax and manage the negative emotions that come to the surface. Both parties should consciously reach deep down inside and bring out the skills they need to make this relationship work; patience, understanding, openness and the desire to come to an understanding. Counseling or couples therapy may also be necessary. The first step is realizing the problem. The next is working through it. For more advice read, Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy.