How Long Does It Really Take to Get Over Your Ex?

breakup

How Long Does It Really Take to Get Over Your Ex?

When you are in the midst of a breakup or a painful divorce, usually people are there for you. It’s the one good thing about it. What they say though is sometimes another matter. For instance, people will give you all kinds of wild and contradictory advice, including how long it takes to get over someone. For a long relationship, say lasting five years, some say it takes twice as long to get over. But does that mean you’ll be stuck in a rut for the next decade? Others say it doesn’t take double the time. Instead, take the duration of your relationship and cut it in half. How long does it really take to get over your ex? The problem is way more complex than a simple formula. Plus not everyone is the same. In fact, there’s a lot of deviation when it comes to dealing with the emotional pain that follows a breakup. Some people have a tryst with a new lover and feel rejuvenated. Others pine away, spending months on the couch in sweats watching romantic comedies and wondering why they aren’t feeling any better.

There are a lot of reasons a breakup is not easy. One is biological. Researchers at the University of Berkeley found that dopamine, the reward chemical, is released when you are in love, the same kind of feeling you get from a drug high. You are, in a way, literally addicted to that person and must go through withdrawal. But everyone withdraws in their own way. According to British psychotherapist Elly Prior there are seven factors that influence how long it will take for you to move on after a breakup. These are: how long the relationship was, whether or not the breakup was recent, how obsessive or intense it was, whether or not it was meaningful to you, how things ended, if domestic violence entered the picture and whether or not one or both of you had an affair. Other important factors include if this is your first breakup, if you have a support network in your life, what other stressors surround you, if property or possessions still have to be split up, if you suffer from depression, how you interacted with one another and whether or not you are surrounded by reminders, say a photo on a shelf or your ex constantly springing up on your newsfeed.

One simple formula isn’t enough to solve such a menagerie. You may feel like you are being swallowed up in a pit of hopelessness and despair. But realize that emotions such as these don’t stick around for long. Pretty soon it will start to subside. There of course will be moments when you are reminded of the person. But those also pass. It’s important to tend to yourself at this time. Vent, have a good cry, spend time with friends and reconnect with people you lost touch with. Think about your future and what dreams you want to fulfill now that you don’t have any dead weight pulling you down. Reflect also on what you loved about the person. If things feel incomplete, make your own ritual and find an appropriate way to say goodbye. You don’t need their permission. They don’t even need to be there. Do it on your own. Try to turn around a breakup or divorce and make it a positive experience, one that you learn from and makes you a better person. For more on breakup recovery read, How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams and Harold H. Bloomfield.

What you should do Before Getting a Divorce

managing

If you are pointing toward divorce and don’t think you can be happy otherwise, be confident in your decision, but take the necessary precautions to protect yourself before filing those papers. Lots of people fly into a rage in the middle of an argument and ask for a divorce. Others have had enough neglect, loneliness or awkward emotions and flee the family home one day when they’ve decided they’ve had enough. But carrying through with these emotions is not advised. In fact, it would be better if you took some time and really thought it through. A divorce is a long, painful and precarious situation. How things play out in the next six months could determine what situation you are living under for years to come, and if you have children perhaps decades, even the rest of your life. So it’s important to stop, calm down and start to develop a plan on what is best and how to move ahead. First, consider seeing a marriage counselor. Perhaps your problems can be fixed. But if not, even if it is hopeless and it’s best to move on you can get divorce counseling. It will show you where you two took a wrong turn, how to get along and get the best resolution for all parties, and how to move on. Make sure you find a counselor who is well qualified and has experience in these types of situations.

Before talking to your spouse about divorce speak with an attorney. Make sure they are reputable and have handled similar divorce cases. When you are stressed, angry and anxiety ridden you can’t think straight. In this situation the advice of an attorney is so worthwhile. You’ll need to find out about the allocation of assets, custody issues should you have children, child support and more. Be sure to take steps to safeguard assets and belongings before filing for divorce. Protect things such as your vehicle, furniture, money in joint bank accounts, jewelry, precious art or artifacts, collectibles and other assets. You don’t want a jealous spouse cleaning out the bank account or running off with your grandmother’s priceless diamond ring. If your spouse has any property, you may be able to file with the town or county deeds office your interest in that property. You will need to speak to an attorney about the actual laws in your state pertaining to this. You may want to protect your credit rating by freezing joint accounts or credit cards and opening your own separate account in your name only. You may also want to put the utility bills in your own name.

Make sure to organize all the bills, deeds, car loans, mortgage payments, bank accounts, utilities, insurance policies and other paperwork and assets. Paperwork is your friend now. You don’t want to get sideswiped by anything, nor do you want your soon-to-be ex getting away with any hidden assets you have a right to. In fact, if you can prove they are hiding assets that will give you a leg up in court. These financial records give you insight and perhaps ammunition. Know where everything is and where everything is going. If you have the time organize all your financials into software such as Power Wallet or Mint. Or you can put everything into a spreadsheet using Excel. Know the balances, interest rate and terms on all of the bills. Know the balance of each bank account. Make sure you are intimately aware of whose name is on what account. You need to have a good idea of whose is what and who owes what debts so that assets and debt can be allocated as fairly as possible. The joint assets such as a joint bank account or a mortgage must be divvied up. You have to be ready for that conversation with lawyers or without. If you leave their name on this or these assets you are basically letting them do what they wish with them. Look at when it’s best to look at your credit report. You may want to discuss the matter with your accountant or a financial advisor. See how the divorce is going to affect your credit and safeguard yourself. Always keep a paper trail of everything. Divorce can happen suddenly. So if things are going south you should be ready for it. Otherwise, if you are the one who will be filing for divorce, the more careful preparation you do now the better your chances at a positive outcome in the future. To learn more, pick up a copy of Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally: What Women Need To Know About Securing Their Financial Future Before, During, and After Divorce by Jeffrey A. Landers.

5 Steps to Divorcing your Husband

gavel-broken-heart-wedding-rings

Getting a divorce is a huge decision. But most people know deep in their heart when the time is right, when you have irreconcilable differences, when there has been too many grievances to repair trust or when you just can’t be happy together or get along anymore. Most people are solid on the emotional issues and how to move forward in that sense. But when it comes to the legal sense they are often clueless. Many don’t look into the process at all. They are vulnerable to shady operators. What you are looking for in the legal sense is a Petition for Dissolution.  Once a judgment is entered then the divorce is final, but not before. Without that document you aren’t legally divorced. Some not-so-honest lawyers let cases go on and on for years without getting a judgment handed down. So it’s best to know, be informed about the process so that it can move forward as smoothly as possible without wasting time, money and adding more emotional distress than there needs to be. Here are 5 steps to divorcing your husband. The first step, file a petition of dissolution. In the 1970’s no-fault divorce laws came to fruition in many states across the country. Find out what the particular situation is in your state. In no-fault states, either party can file a petition of dissolution for any reason. In states where one spouse has to be at fault, reasons such as infidelity, domestic abuse and others may need to be stated. Most states however are no-fault states. But you definitely need to check. A quick Google search should tell you.

There is generally a charge to file this petition. The document will be served to your soon-to-be ex-spouse to notify them of your wish to be divorced from them. It’s a good idea to let your husband know that you’ve filed for a divorce previous to receiving the papers, or else it could be a big shock, make them fly into a rage,  or result in some other negative emotional response. After the one person is served with papers, they have 30 days in order to compose and send in a response. If they fail to file, the petitioner or the person who filed for divorce can ask for a default of judgment. The filer should then receive all of the things they asked for in the original petition. There may be exceptions. Make sure you select a divorce lawyer carefully and discuss this with him or her should your husband fail to respond. Now an automatic temporary restraining order (ATRO) will be put into place to prevent one spouse or the other from absconding with the children, selling or cleaning out the couple’s assets and so on as an act of revenge. You are not allowed to take your children out of state at this time. You can’t benefit from any insurance claims at this time. No concealing or transferring property or other assets. Now you’ve completed the first step and are in divorce proceedings. It won’t end until you get a judgment from the court.

It usually takes around six months or so to get a judgment. That said, custody and the splitting of assets are the two main items to be negotiated and settled upon. Will there be spousal support? Who gets the house and how are the assets to be allocated? Now it’s time for our second step, to get a court date in order to work these issues out, called an “Order to Show Cause” or an OSC. This process is called “pendent lite,” which is Latin meaning, “while the case is pending”. Whatever arrangements met at this time are not permanent, though the longer they stay in place the more likely they will become permanent. You can negotiate with your ex-spouse at any time and reach an agreement during this phase. Both parties should file OSC in order to gain some peace and some space. Now if there has been any physical or emotional abuse you should take part in our third step, filing a domestic abuse restraining order.

Now the fourth step is called the disclosure of finances. Many times in a marriage one party knows much more about the finances than the other. Furthermore, many states assume that even if one spouse has stayed home and hasn’t worked, their contribution through domestic duties and perhaps caring for the children mean that they are entitled to their fair share of the assets. Even if they were total couch potatoes, how the law states it is clear. However, be sure to check on the particulars with your attorney as laws can vary from state to state. Hiding assets will not be looked on favorably by the judge. In fact, he or she may award even more than their fair share in recompense for the deceit. It’s best to disclose everything. Now, once the disclosures are done the settlement negotiation begins. That’s our fifth step. How much will support be? How will property and other assets be allocated? Who gets custody of the children? How will holidays be divvied up? If no settlement can be reached a court date will be required and set. Now you can ask for a stipulated judgment or a marital settlement agreement (MSA). The difference between the two is that one is a judgment handed down by the court; the MSA is an actual contract. If it is breached then you can sue for breach of contract. Finally, you will then receive a Notice of Entry of Judgment which gives you a legal date for when your divorce took place. Once that document is filed you are officially, legally divorced. For more on this, pick up a copy of Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement by Sam Margulies.

The Most Expensive Divorce in History

divorce

A court in Switzerland has just handed down the most expensive divorce settlement in history. Russian Oligarch Dmitry Rybolovlev was ordered to pay his ex-wife over $4.5 billion. Both the oligarch and his ex-wife received papers from the Geneva Tribunal of First Instance stating that the owner of AS Monaco, a popular French soccer club, must hand over the equivalent of $4,509,375,184.80 or 4,020,555,987.80 Swiss francs to ex-spouse Elena Rybolovleva who currently resides in Geneva. Both are age 47.  That isn’t all. The court also granted the ex-wife property. First, two luxurious chalets located in Gstaad, Switzerland worth $146 million or 130.5 million francs. Another piece of property was located in the tony Cologny district of Geneva. The couple had lived there with their daughter, now 13. They also have another adult daughter by the name of Ekaterina. Marc Bonnant, the ex-wife’s lawyer, called the ruling “the most expensive divorce in history,” certainly the biggest settlement the world over ever in history.  Tetiana Bersheda, Rybolovleva’s lawyer, said that the price tag is likely to be brought down in appeals that she is expected to file. Bersheda said in a statement, “There will definitely be a new appellate review and therefore this judgment is not final given the existence of two levels of appeal in Switzerland.”

Rybolovlev is known as the “fertilizer king” and was once the 79th richest person in the world. According to the Forbes Billionaires List he now ranks at 147th. His fortune is thought to be worth $8.8 billion. He made his money in potash mining. The husband and wife met where many couples do, in university, in the city of Perm, Russia. They fell in love and married in 1987. Divorce papers were filed in 2008 when Forbes said the oligarch was worth $12.8 billion. Rybolovlev’s assets were initially frozen in Switzerland and abroad by the court. Rybolovleva now lives in Cyprus. His frozen assets may hurt her as well, as there stands no legal aid treaty between Cyprus and Switzerland. The oligarch and his adult daughter currently hold some of the most expensive real estate in the U.S. including a mansion in Palm Beach, Florida and an apartment at Central Park West in Manhattan. Certainly divorces are expensive nowadays, but nothing to this extent for most people. Still, at around four billion dollars left, certainly Rybolovlev won’t be in the poor house for long. Even though billionaires seem to have lives so far away from our own and even though divorce is a terrible thing for anyone to go through, it feels good to know at least that those at the very top of the world still have a lot of the same problems that ordinary people do. Of course, losing your shirt in a divorce may be more devastating than half a fortune that still keeps you in league with other billionaires. Most people who get divorced often struggle financially afterward because of it. Still, having to hand over that much, if in fact that’s what will happen, has got to hurt. To learn more about the financial aspect of divorce, read Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce by Attorney Violet Woodhouse, CFP and Dale Fetherling.

Strange Tales of Divorce

home

According to the Times of Israel, one man from the south of that country is divorcing his wife for owning 550 cats. These cats drove him crazy; hundreds of them swarming all over the place. He couldn’t live comfortably in the house. He couldn’t get into the bathroom. They even stole his food right off his plate. Fed up, he filed for divorce. The Rabbinical court has tried to get the couple to reconcile. But the wife was so attached to her cats, a requirement the man imposed on reconciliation, that the two decided to go their separate ways. Though a weird story, it’s not alone. There are plenty of strange tales when it comes to divorce. Have you ever been asked to give back an heirloom, a keepsake, a gift, even a wedding or engagement ring? Though it may feel pretty low at the time it’s not as low as one surgeon from Long Island. He gave his wife a kidney. But when she filed for divorce, he stated that he wanted it back. It took guts to do that. But she’s not giving his kidney back. One mama’s boy in Italy was so attached to his mother, he actually brought her on the honeymoon. Three weeks later his wife served him with divorce papers. Guess he’s moving back in with his mother.

Ever have an ex get your goat? Who hasn’t? Well for Steve Killeen and his ex-wife this is literally true. Though they had a loving pooch, his wife saw photos of baby goats online and forced him to buy her one. When they divorced in 2009 he kept the goat, giving the old saying new life. One of the worst things about a divorce is moving. When you have a house, who gets it? One couple could not decide and both hunkered down, not giving an inch. Getting fed up with their case the judge thought up something special. He ordered them to share the house, and build a wall through it. Ever lie about your age? It’s just a little fib, most of the time that is unless you lie about your age to your spouse. One woman said she was 24 instead of 30. A decade later in 2007 the husband found out her true age, and initiated a divorce. Ever been grounded by a judge? One man’s spending was out of control and he failed to pay $14,000 in back child support. The judge had his cell phone, TV, internet, even his newspaper taken away in order to get his spending under control. A farmer and his wife split in 2008 but couldn’t decide who would keep the farm. She insisted on getting half of everything. So the farmer went out with his grinder and cut all the farm equipment in half. One man’s wife left him after his prosthetic penis extension broke during sex. Lastly, another couple divorced in 2008. The former husband Moeun Sarim made sure she would get her half, gathered up his friends and cut the house in half. She still lives in her part. If you’re going through a divorce and need financial advice, read Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce by Attorney Violet Woodhouse, CFP and Dale Fetherling.