Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.

The Bigger a Husband’s Unit, the More Likely his Wife will Stray

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The Bigger a Husband’s Unit, the More Likely his Wife will Stray

Guys put a lot of emphasis on the equipment they are packing. Lots of ad space has been given to male enhancement and sexual surgeries, pumps and lots of other things exist to give him those few desperate inches to measure, or leave the competition behind, so they think. In our culture sexual prowess, virility, masculinity and social standing are thought to reside in the size of a man’s member. That’s why this newest study, that the bigger a husband’s unit, the more likely his wife will stray, comes at such a shock.

The research is out of Kenya and the results can be found on the online journal PLOSOne. 545 married heterosexual Kenyan couples took part in this study. Researchers wanted to know what characteristics caused a woman to have an affair. The husband’s penis size when erect was asked by researchers to both husband and wife, using a ruler as a reference point. If there was any disparity they took the average size between both estimates or relied on the more trustworthy spouse. The results were shocking.

Researchers wrote that, “Every one inch longer penis increased the likelihood of women being involved in extra-marital partnership by almost one-and-half times. Women associated large penises with pain and discomfort during sex which precludes the enjoyment and sexual satisfaction that women are supposed to feel.” One participant claimed the reason why was that, “Some penis may be large yet my vagina is small, when he tries to insert it inside, it hurts so much that I will have to look for another man who has a smaller one [penis] and can do it in a way I can enjoy.” Out of the female participants, 6.2% had extramarital affairs during the study, which lasted six months. Other reasons women cheated included being denied sex from their husbands or denied the position that they enjoy, domestic violence, and being unsatisfied with their marital sex life.

This study was conducted to try and impede the spread of HIV in the area. The size of the penis certainly isn’t the most important thing. Men’s preoccupation, particularly in the Western world has been for naught. Though there has been one study to suggest deeper vaginal intercourse can create more internal orgasms for women, this is mostly due to position rather than length. Sexual satisfaction for women starts emotionally. A safe environment, being comfortable with their partner, a lot of foreplay, good communication and practicing different techniques to see what she likes are all more important than length by far. For more on satisfying a woman pick up a copy of, Sex, Your Woman and You: How to Sexually Please Your Woman in the Bedroom and Beyond by Don Asterwood.

Does Cheating Really Make you a Bad Person?

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Does Cheating Really Make you a Bad Person?

When a husband cheats on a wife, for example, she cannot see him as anything but a betrayer. The word cheater brazenly rolls off her lips when she talks about the separation or divorce, usually thinly veiling the pain she harbors, but also calling attention to the fact that it wasn’t her fault, that he is the villain in this and she the perfectly innocent victim. But oftentimes what goes unseen or unsaid are the problems the relationship had before the infidelity occurred. Lack of respect, a lack of interest in one another and life goals that are counter rather than complimentary. When a low simmering conflict or a cold war enters into a house it can be difficult to alleviate it. If it simmers for a long time it becomes the new normal. People forget what this kind of tepid mutual dislike can do for one’s mental health. Still when many couples are in this kind of relationship someone outside of the relationship may awaken the need for connection and intimacy within them, a real human need. The other may not think their spouse is capable of cheating. But many a spouse has thought a person they lived next to for so many years incapable, until faced with the truth. But this person wasn’t getting what they needed from the relationship. Does cheating then really make you a bad person?

A person can work themselves to the bone for their family, and yet feel the need to stray outside a marriage. The truth is that real life is so much more complicated than that simple, old dichotomy of good versus evil. Someone can be good in certain spheres and not good in others. That doesn’t mean what this person did was right. Nor does it mean you have to stay with them. This could be a wakeup call for your relationship. Or it could mean that it’s over. Each person and relationship is different. Everyone has the ability to mess up in a relationship. The point is what is there to salvage? Good memories are just that. But what do you have in the relationship now? Is there still love there? Can there be peace, cooperation, mutual respect and understanding? IF you will always be opponents living under the same roof rather than partners, then you have no business being together. Couples should hold each other up not hold each other down. They should bring out the best in one another, not the worst. We all get off track occasionally in our relationships. We all fall into ruts. But we have to look at one another and reconnect. We need to work at mutual understanding and know that the other is worth it. But if they aren’t worth it, if the relationship is toxic or it’s soured beyond redemption it’s time to move on. Try to make the transition in your life, whatever it is, as healthy as possible. For advice on moving past infidelity read, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

Why do Some People Stay with Someone Who Isn’t Good Enough for them?

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Why do Some People Stay with Someone Who Isn’t Good Enough for them?

You know when you see that really amazing girl or guy; funny, good looking, smart and passionate, and you find out later who they are dating and you are floored? Why them? This person is so gorgeous and their partner seems to be short on good qualities. And you wonder why this unbelievable person could be with this mediocre at best partner. Why do some people stay with someone who doesn’t appear good enough for them? Some people are merely complacent in their relationships. Others are harboring feelings of inadequacy and fear being single. There are those who have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one financed by their significant other. But it’s psychologically unhealthy if the love for material items far outweighs the love for your partner. Each person should be able to support themselves and be financially independent or at least plan to be say if one is in college working toward a career, or else you end up resenting the other person and the power dynamic is merely one sided. A relationship should fulfill a person emotionally. But if a relationship doesn’t do that, no matter how good the lifestyle or how good it feels to be with someone, it isn’t going to do what it is supposed to do. You will get emotionally drained and sooner or later you’ll split up.

Some people stick together for the sake of the kids. But if this is a high conflict relationship, studies have shown that you are probably doing more harm than good. Even if it is a low conflict household, children can sense the unhappiness of their parents. And what effect will that have on their psyches? If you are embedded in a relationship and do not know how to get out of it, start with your own self-worth. Start to discover who you really are and who you want to be. Learn to love yourself. Then see if you can love the person you are with. Are they good for you or are they adding to negativity in your life? Is the relationship salvageable or is it best to move on? Come to realize what your personal needs are and if the person you are with can fulfill them. Can you fulfill their personal needs? If you are in an unhealthy relationship, find your way out of it. It will only get worse. Instead of allowing you the room you need to grow and develop and become the best person you can be, it will be holding you back and stifling your development. Find someone who enhances your life experience instead of someone who hampers it. Go out on a limb and find real love. It will be there if you just give yourself the right to be happy. For more advice read, Letting Go of Mr. Wrong: Realize Your Self-Worth by Sonya Parker.

Can Living Together before Marriage Prevent Divorce?

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Can Living Together before Marriage Prevent Divorce?

7.5 million U.S. couples, mostly 20-somethings are cohabitating today as a way to make sure they’ll stay together, in hopes of preventing future divorce. The reason is most of them grew up in the 1980’s when a lot of divorces took place. Millennials and Generation Y growing up in the 1970’s and 1980’s for the first time saw a record number of divorces due to a chipping away at the stigma and, what’s more, no fault divorce laws coming into vogue across the nation. These generations want to stave off marriage in hopes of making sure the person they are living with is the one for them. Divorce is of course a financially and emotionally shattering event in one’s life. But there seems to be some controversy in whether or not living together before marriage prevents divorce. According to Clinical Psychologist Dr. Meg Jay of the University of Virginia, who in a New York Times article wrote of what she calls the “cohabitation effect,” a phenomenon of cohabitating couples getting married and becoming less satisfied than those who did not live together, and so are more prone to divorce. According to Dr. Jay instead of getting married 20-something couples merely move into the direction of cohabitation instead of making it a point to focus on, discuss and decide on their relationship and where it is going, what she’s termed “sliding, not deciding,” meaning couples just drift into cohabitation rather than making it a serious decision as perhaps couples in past generations might have.

Sliding works like this: sex leads to leaving a tooth brush at someone’s place, then some personal care products and sooner or later the couple has moved in together. “Mission creep” is another term used for the same phenomenon. The couple seems naturally to fall into cohabitation. But according to Dr. Jay research has shown that the sexes view cohabitation differently. Women see it as an avenue to marriage while men see it as a way to have a relationship. What’s more, Dr. Jay says that the standards they hold for a spouse aren’t as high as one they hold for a cohabitating partner. As the relationship develops a new stage will sooner or later crop up, what Dr. Jay calls “lock-in” which she defines as, “the decreased likelihood to search for or change to another option once an initial investment has been made.” Once the couple is established, they are splitting the bills, have a group of friends, and even have pets. It is harder to extricate one’s self. Also, entering into dating after you’ve been lodged into this type of relationship is scary. If the relationship at home is of a lower quality than one would have if one were looking for a marriage partner, it seems as though it’s easier to settle for what you have at home than to get rid of that person and set out to seek a spouse. So people in this group settle for what they already have, says Jay.

Jay argues that 20-somethings and others stay in mediocre relationships for years, not being really happy simply out of convenience and a fear of the unknown. She says relationships that would have lasted only a few months now drag on for years, and so in her view wastes those 20-something years. Still, cohabitation seems likely to stay, not only for social reasons, or fear of divorce, but also financial ones. Lots of 20-somethings having to forgo marriage for longer bouts of education just to be marketable in the job market have staved off marriage for career. Some 20-somethings are so overburdened with work and school that they don’t have time to develop their love lives. In this sense, a default mode or staying in a non-traditional or even a non-monogamous relationship in order to get one’s needs met while still keeping one’s grades up and earning a paycheck could be more practical for 20-somethings. A whole shift in how people engage in their love lives is not based merely on the younger generation experiencing their parent’s divorce but in shifts in our economic system and other factors as well. People are also living longer today. Being married to one person for the rest of one’s life is looking less and less like an attractive option. What once only lasted a few decades can now go on and on for even half a century or more. There are many more options open today for young people due to the proliferation of internet dating and dating apps. What’s more, a generation of young women, college educated and able to support themselves are in a peculiar situation. Many don’t see themselves supporting a man. They aren’t tethered to men for financial support and so can choose and steer the course of their own romantic relationship with far less of the stigma that once occurred in the past. Dr. Jay may be on to something in one sense. But there also may be many more factors at play complicating the issue. Some psychologists and others are calling this the end of marriage. Others believe marriage will only change. Some are proposing different scenarios such as an open marriage, marriages that expire after a certain number of years but that can be renewed, even situations such as “monogamish” where couples have a few rules about when they can stray outside of the marriage. How marriage plays out in America in the future is anyone’s guess. One thing is clear, we are at the beginning of a tremendous transformation in this category of life that isn’t projected to change anytime soon. For more pick up a copy of the book, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter- and How to Make the Most of Them Now by Dr. Megan Jay.