ADHD and Relationships

couple at therapy

ADHD and Relationships

When one person has ADHD in a relationship, and the other person doesn’t, unique problems can occur. The power dynamic can become that of a parent to child, which isn’t healthy. The non-ADHD person becomes the one with the power, guiding, reminding and helping their partner. When the ADHD partner has a chore to be done, their counterpart may remind them, indeed several times, until the ADHD partner does it. Or the non-ADHD partner may give up and do it themselves rather than keep reminding their other half. Eventually, too many chores or responsibilities are allocated to the non-ADHD partner.

The symptoms of ADHD unmanaged are permanent. Distraction, memory problems and other symptoms start to weigh on the relationship. The non-ADHD partner becomes the parent, the ADHD partner the child. The power dynamic in this relationship becomes off kilter, leaning only to one side. This leads to a lack of respect on the part of the non-ADHD partner as they begin to view their partner like a child, and a condescending attitude can ensue. The ADHD partner begins to resent their significant other.

Adaptation is generally considered a good thing. One partner sees an issue arising and both partners change to meet and overcome it. Some research has shown however that stronger couples see problems coming down the pike and counteract them before they become an issue in the relationship. For ADHD, this power dynamic increases over time. As more and more control is lent to the non-ADHD partner and the more they become the parent, the other the child, the more resentment builds. Both people in this relationship have their problems with the other. One doesn’t want to do all of the work of the other. The ADHD partner doesn’t want to be treated like a child. They get tired of constant reminders, general bossiness and nagging. And the non-ADHD partner gets tired of doing so. And this dynamic puts a strain on the relationship. The couple feels less inclined toward positive feelings of love, affection, physical intimacy and romance.

Child/parent dynamics will almost inevitably lead to relationship or marital dysfunction. ADHD should be treated with the help of a mental health professional. Both partners should be involved. But if you are married or seriously involved with someone who has ADHD or if you have ADHD make sure to talk about it in depth with your partner. Treatment should also be sought. For more advice read, The ADHD Effect On Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov.

What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

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What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

Are you in a toxic relationship? Sometimes it dawns on you all-of-a-sudden. At other times, you slowly come to realize that something is very wrong. If you aren’t sure, here are some signs. Is there a lack of respect in your relationship? Do you avoid one another and loathe the time you spend together? Does the atmosphere fill with negative energy whenever you are in the same room? Does the idea of spending time with your spouse or partner fill you with dread? Is there a lot of contempt and insults flying like knives whenever you are in a room together? If any of these sound familiar, then the relationship is toxic. Sometimes things get way off track, or something happened that the relationship is having difficulty recovering from, the death of a child perhaps or infidelity on the part of one or both partners. At other times, it’s the buildup of many unresolved problems that start to drive a wedge between the two. The more differences the further apart they are.

In a toxic relationship you can feel emotionally abused, neglected, manipulated, taken for granted, or deprived of a sex life. Your spouse or partner could have cleared out the joint account, disappeared for days on end or buffeted you with one juvenile remark after another. Whatever the situation, when you find yourself in a toxic relationship, where there is no way of resuscitating it and bringing it back to life, you have to find a way to extricate yourself as painlessly as possible, and that can be tricky. Though many relationships can be saved, in the case of one or both parties hurting each other repeatedly, a clean break is best. There are three easy steps that you can use to get out with as little discomfort as possible. First, have a clear understanding of why you want to leave. A charming lover can muddy the waters, confuse you, woo you back and make you forget, for a time, why exactly it was you were leaving. You need to have concrete examples you can hang onto when things get confusing. You can even make yourself a little slogan or mantra to remind yourself of why.

Make a clean break. Decide when you are moving out or when you are breaking up with them, do it and then close off all avenues of contact. You don’t want to get sucked back in again. Many feel vulnerable after a breakup. That means you may be more likely to be receptive to their charms. Also, seeing and hearing from them will keep those wounds fresh. You want to be given the chance to heal and move on. Unfriend them from your social media pages and erase them from your phone. It may seem drastic but it will also be effective. If you work with this person or see them regularly, keep distance. Be professional if not slightly cold and don’t slow down to chat when you see them in the hallway. Give them a polite nod, say hello and keep moving. Sooner or later they’ll get the message and will stop trying to get your attention. Feel your self-worth. It is when we feel bad about ourselves that we are the most vulnerable. When we feel good about ourselves, we usually won’t put up with foolishness. Don’t get sentimental about the relationship. Remember what they put you through and that you deserve better. For more advice read, Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People by Peace.

Are You Settling in your Relationship?

Image of young upset female in quarrel with her husband

Are You Settling in your Relationship?

There are lots of reasons people settle for less in their relationships. Some people believe they won’t be loved by anyone else. Others fear being single. Still others think that they’ve committed some unforgivable transgression and that they owe their partner. Your significant other may be good looking, successful, funny and charming. Others may have even convinced you to stay even though you’ve considered leaving.

Still, no matter how great they are if you still feel a cold, hollow place in your heart as you continue to stick with them, you may be doing yourself, and them, more harm than good. That’s because you won’t give the relationship your best. And those unfulfilled spaces will still need to be filled, whether you ignore them or not, which can lead to infidelity and a host of other issues. The relationship will eventually flounder because people put into them what they get out of them. If your partner senses that you are unfulfilled they will give less, you will do so in return and the relationship will eventually come apart. Often when we’re settling we justify it to ourselves and exist in denial. So how do you know if you are settling in your relationship? Here are the signs.

How do you feel when you think about the relationship? Does it edify you or make you sad? Does your partner challenge you, support you, and try to make you the best person you can be? The trouble could be that your partner is too focused on their own situation, or that they are too critical and this can weigh heavily on the relationship. Do you feel you have to become a different person, changing your dreams, values and objectives to be acceptable to your partner? Is there a level of physical or emotional abuse? If so, this relationship is codependent. That means you serve your partner, putting their needs, wants and desires ahead of yours. You definitely need to get out of a codependent relationship. They will try to suck you back in. But in the end this type of relationship is toxic. You will never enjoy it, nor will you be free.

Another problem you should never put up with is repeated infidelity. If your partner has cheated more than once, even after you’ve given them another chance or more than one, it’s time to kick them to the curb. They are not trustworthy, and trust should be the bedrock of any relationship. If you feel that you give too much and get too little in return, it’s a clear sign that you are settling. For more advice read, Don’t Settle for Any Old Soulmate by L. R. Lawrence.

At What Point Should Marital Problems Lead to Divorce?

MARRIAGE-PROBLEMS

At What Point Should Marital Problems Lead to Divorce?

Anyone who has gone through a divorce will tell you how painful and draining the process is, financially, physically and emotionally. Lots of people are staying permanently separated today to avoid such pain. Others find it a reason to reinvest in their marriage. Many people believe you should give a marriage every possible chance before divorcing. Others believe that if marriage isn’t giving you fulfillment or happiness why stay married? Though we all have to deal with the practicalities of our situations in life, considering our financial and emotional well-being in terms of a divorce, and of course not every divorce is contentious.

That said, at what point should marital problems lead to divorce? That is a different line for every couple, considering their reasons for divorcing, their financial and emotional reserves, how antagonistic the relationship is and so on. If there is still love there but the spark is dead, there are ways to reignite it. If there is a lack of communication, it can be resolved. But there are certain issues that cannot. Long conversations, marriage counseling, even a trial separation can work wonders. But if one of these issues creeps in, divorce is a better option.

Is your spouse abusive to the children, you or themselves? If this is the case, divorce is a far better option. Abuse can never be tolerated. This sort of household dynamic is toxic for everyone and cannot be resolved. Get out immediately. If neither one of you feel you want to be in the marriage anymore, that it doesn’t fulfill either one of you in any way, and you are just going through the motions for some sense of duty, get out. The truth is you can’t fake marriage. And if it has no flavor for you or your spouse it’s just going to wear on you until it becomes toxic. If there is nothing to reinvest in, simply move on.

As we grow older we change. We get a different set of wants, needs, values and desires. But if our spouse is unable to accommodate something that is very important to us, and we are unwilling to accommodate one of their needs, divorce may be the only answer. Another marriage ender is a total lack of respect for one another. If you two exchange a half dozen barbs before breakfast, this marriage is suffering from irreconcilable differences. The level of antagonism has reached the level of toxicity. There is no saving the patient. Lastly, if you don’t agree on whether to have children or not, this is definitely a deal breaker. One or another of you will regret and blame the other. Instead, find someone you are compatible with who shares your outlook on children. For more advice read, Before You Throw in the Towel: Twelve Things You Should Consider Before Filing for Divorce by Bob Moorehead.

Reasons Men Label Women Psycho

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Reasons Men Label Women Psycho

Have you ever seen that woman who gets out of control or throws tantrums as a way to have the upper hand in her relationship? The truth is this happens to lots of level headed, upright, balanced women from time to time. It’s especially frustrating if a woman has tried so hard to make a relationship work only to find that her partner loses interest and moves on. Instead, why not take a good look and see what behaviors may be driving men away, and making you unhappy with yourself, both at the same time. Here are some reasons men label women psycho, though these are at times normal female behaviors. Getting them under control and projecting a more cool, confident self-assured version of you may be the ticket to better relationships and personal well-being. First, don’t act needy. Women who have low self-esteem act this way. Confidence is sexy. But being clingy all the time, not so much. If you think you’re a bit needy, why not invest a little more time and energy in your own life? What are your hopes, goals and dreams? Why not work to make them a reality? Find ways to boost your own self-esteem and you’ll boost the relationship in tandem.

Are you the manipulative type? If you whine to get your way, men will lose respect. You’ll become annoying and lose your power. If you play head games, it means that you don’t feel safe in being direct about what you want. The relationship will never move forward since it isn’t based on open and honest communication. What’s more, this manipulation will sooner or later be found out. It either opens the door for him to use it on you, or he will resent its use, think you don’t respect him enough to talk to him directly and he’ll pull away. Learn how to be honest, open and direct with your communication and expectations. Discuss things in a mutually respectful, positive manner. Be open to his input. Allow room for compromise and negotiation on all things except the ones that are most dear to you. An issue on the other side of the spectrum is if you are too nice. Nice is great. But not if you are a doormat. If you let men walk all over you they won’t respect you. Every relationship must sit on a bedrock of respect or else get washed away in the blasts of love’s many storms. Stick up for yourself, set boundaries and don’t let him cross them, and put him in his place when he crosses the line. Don’t obsess over your relationship. Lots of women jettison their own interests and focus all their time on their relationship, but they smother it and end up alone. Learn to invest time in your friends, family and other concerns. Don’t obsess over little things. Talk about what bothers you with others and gain some perspective. And learn to let the little things go. For more relationship advice read, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.