What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

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What does it mean when Your Date had a Quick Marriage before?

Quickie marriages in celebritydom have become as cliché as the damsel in distress being saved by valiant heroes. But what about in real life? What does it mean when your date has had a quick marriage before? The truth is that most divorces occur after the first two years of marriage. And the social trend is being married over less time. So it may not mean much. Just like everything else, it’s far more complicated than just that. What you really want to do is find out the reason why the marriage ended, and the particulars before you toss this person into the discard pile.

There are many factors to consider. First, who was the one who broke it off, or was it a mutual thing? 75% of divorces happen when one person wants out of the marriage. And more often than not it’s the woman asking for a divorce. Many times people enter into marriage without knowing the responsibility, time and effort it takes to keep a marriage fresh and alive. Also, there are those who find it difficult to commit. They think they’re ready but once the marriage is in full swing it turns out that they aren’t.

Were they young when they got married? If you want to address this question a little more genteelly, ask if age was a factor. Young people are impulsive. They fall deliriously in love and rush off to get hitched, only to realize it isn’t built to last a short time later. But you shouldn’t hold someone’s youth against them, as long as they’ve tempered that impulsive passion with reason. Passion certainly isn’t a bad thing in a date. And impulsivity’s mature stage is spontaneity, another plus. It’s important that you ask your date for information over a period of time, and in a light or direct way. But make sure it doesn’t feel like an interrogation. Or else you may be pushing away a potential partner. Know that divorce is painful for most people. It may be hard to talk about, whether the person admits it or not. Get them comfortable with you. Ask them to share their story. If they don’t feel comfortable sharing the whole thing, or just want to sum it up for now, tell them that’s okay. Really listen. Don’t judge, at least not right away. Thank them for sharing it.

So it’s important that you keep an open mind, don’t jump to conclusions, really think about what the person said, and try to find what they may not be saying, but what they mean. They may not say nice things about their ex, depending upon the situation, but it just may be a defense to cover up the hurt. Be patient and figure out who this person really is, and what’s really going on before going to the next level with them, just as you should do with anyone. For more advice read, Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You by Christie Hartman.

Bill Murray’s Marriage Advice

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Bill Murray’s Marriage Advice

Actor Bill Murray is known for his great body of comedic work. He’s even got a few great movies coming out this year including The Monuments Men and the Grand Budapest Hotel. But the silver screen isn’t the only place Murray has been spreading joy. He’s conducted a college marching band, grabbed the mic at a karaoke party and even took over a kickball game. Known as a prankster and a merrymaker, the last person you’d think of handing out marriage advice would be Murray. Yet, recently at a steakhouse in Charleston, South Carolina Murray came across a bachelor party and delivered some advice to the man tying the knot that got a lot of folks thinking at the end, instead of laughing. Though Murray did work a few zingers into his speech earlier on, he ended it on a serious note. Addressing the single fellas in the room and perhaps beyond he said, “If you have someone that you think is The One, don’t just think in your ordinary mind, ‘Okay, let’s make a date, let’s plan this and make a party and get married.’ Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if when you land at JFK and you’re still in love with that person, get married at the airport.”

But why would he suggest such a thing? Simple, relationships will show you if they really shine or are torn apart by adversity. Travel, especially in the developing world, can be difficult and stressful. Also, you have to be flexible. Also, traveling in such an impromptu manner, say around the world, you’ll have to plan together, as you will have to plan your entire lives together if and when you get married. Surely over that much time, there will have to be times when you’ll have to make due, be creative, industrious and learn how to navigate uncharted territory. It’s great to see someone in a relationship with you on normal days. But when things aren’t going well you want someone by your side who is good under pressure and can help you mitigate difficult and perhaps even menacing situations in order to get out all right. In the developing world, what Murray calls “places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of” you can face many hardships; disease, theft, riots, natural disasters, even personal injuries. These places do not always have convenient schedules for planes and other modes of transportation. Infrastructure such as access to hospitals, ambulances and other things we take for granted may not be the best or depending how far you go off the beaten path, available. But if you are in love with someone you’ll be able to get through, see past that, and perhaps even fall in love with the locals, the culture, the diversity and beauty of the natural surroundings and landscape and come back invigorated and even with more skills and a clearer perspective of the world. What Murray is saying is that these particular trials and cloaked rewards will show you what kind of relationship you have, how well you interact with one another and how well you cooperate in order to meet challenges both big and small.

What’s more, there is scientific evidence to back up Murray’s claim. U.S. Travel Association conducted a survey in 2013 that found that couples who had taken trips together said that they had a higher level of relationship satisfaction long-term than those couples who didn’t go anywhere together. Those who went on trips together had better sex lives, too the survey found. You don’t have to spend a lot of money and travel around the world. Go to another state, a national park or for two weeks in a foreign place that isn’t too expensive to travel to. Why not go camping for a couple of weeks? If you two are like a frontier couple by the time you reach civilization then you’ll know it’s a good idea to up and get hitched. If you do have the time or the gumption however, read The Wander Year: One Couple’s Journey Around the World by Mike McIntyre.

Interracial Relationships Still an Uphill Battle

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Interracial Relationships Still an Uphill Battle

The latest polls show that Americans are far more accepting of interracial relationships than in the past, and many more young people are taking part in such relationships. Yet, this is still the exception, not the rule. Racism is still alive and well today. In the South, by and large, if a white man dates a black woman people still bat eyes. But if a white woman should date a black man, they become pariahs. Even in a liberal place like New York City where the controversial policy of stop and frisk, though hotly debated, was only repealed by newly elected Mayor Bill DeBlasio, himself the husband of an African-American woman. And a seemingly innocent Cheerios commercial portraying an adorable interracial couple spurred a string of racist comments on Youtube. What seems particularly shocking is a black-white relationship. Baby boomers, the generation who through protest, freedom rides, taking part on the March on Washington and other activities finally tore down the walls of institutional racism in the South, and repealed the second Jim Crow known as segregation. But this same generation often has problems with their children taking part in interracial relationships. They fear that the couple won’t be understood, that they will always struggle with hate, derision and racism. And if grandchildren enter the picture, they may face the same obstacles.

It isn’t only white society that doesn’t accept interracial couples. Traditional societies from East and South Asia and others have trouble accepting when their children marry outside their race. Black society often scoffs too for different reasons. Little reasons like the worry that the children’s hair won’t be right, and big reasons like the couple will always be fighting to validate the relationship, which gets tiresome. There is even a feeling of resentment of black women against women of other races who date and marry black men. The feeling is that there aren’t a lot of eligible black men and so the pool dwindles even further when black men date and marry outside of their race. Black women seem to be the last to cast a wider net, though it’s happening more and more often. Interracial couples still get stares. They still get racist comments. If one person in the relationship is white, he or she is confronted with their privilege in comparison to how their significant other is treated. Both parties are hit with questions, concerns and vitriol. We have a long way to go to be a post-racial society. Of course we’ve made great strides. But we must understand the society we live in before becoming part of an interracial relationship. That doesn’t mean not to date outside your race. It means to be prepared to love whom you do no matter what, and to be fearless in the defense of it.  For more on this topic, read Interracial Relationships in the 21st Century: 2nd Edition by Earl Smith and Angela J. Hattery.

Love Lies that can Keep You Single

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Everyone has a romantic history. Whether you are forever single, divorced or widowed and wondering when you’ll ever find someone to love, don’t be alarmed. If you’ve dated around and come up empty or unsatisfied, don’t be discouraged. It certainly isn’t easy finding love whether it’s your first, second or third time on what may seem like a merry-go-round. With the divorce rate up somewhere between 40-50% there are lots of eligible singles out there at all age ranges and backgrounds. The ability to find a proper mate has never been easier no matter what your age with such a large pool of quality singles out there and so many different ways, such as internet dating, speed dating, singles events and more that no one should feel stuck being single. So how come so many people feel that way? Sometimes people are just unlucky. Others perpetuate love lies that they believe, that block their chances of finding love and keep them single. There’s nothing wrong with being single if you are happy. But if you want someone to love you have to have the right attitude, mindset and outlook. Some people believe certain things that keep them from finding love instead of making the process easier. See if you fall for believing in one of these myths.

The first one people have convinced themselves of is that all the good ones are taken. 50% of the U.S. adult population calls their romantic status single. So if half the country is single, how could all the good men and women be taken? For both sexes the reason for divorce or ending up single again are the same: growing apart, constant fighting, a stumbling block they couldn’t get over, the in-laws pulled them apart or infidelity. So you can’t assume the dating pool of which you are entering has any specific flaws, or that they are the bottom of the barrel. They are just as varied as any other group. Widowers sometimes think that they had only one possible love in their life, and that person has passed on. Though romantic, it may benefit your to consider dating again. A significant other can enrich your life. You found love once, and you possess those same qualities, so there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to do it again. Your selection process was good and you emit a loving energy which the right people can pick up on. Some people get dating fatigue. They start to think that it’s too difficult to find love and want to give up. If you feel that way, give it up for a time and enjoy being with friends, family and yourself. But when the time comes reengage and remember that it’s a process, and each date that doesn’t jive is just one closer to finding the person you want to be with. For a lighthearted look at the whole phenomenon, read Adult Dating: My STDs (Seriously Tragic Dates) by Patrick L. Talley.

Things to Be Prepared for During Divorce

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Lots of people feel lost after a divorce. It can be a really painful and draining experience. That first couple of weeks are the worst. It gets better after a few months or so. Sometimes you wish there was a manual, or some teacher or authority figure could be assigned to you to help you, explain to you what to be prepared for, and what to expect when going through a divorce. That is what this article aims to help you with. Understand that the stress, especially in the beginning, can feel unendurable. You need to find positive, healthy ways to deal with your stress. Substance abuse isn’t going to help. In fact, if you have children and your spouse finds out about it, it will definitely not play out in your favor. Grabbing for comfort food isn’t good either. Yoga, exercise, journaling, reaching out to friends and family, watching funny movies and just having fun are great ways to do it. Be sure to reach out to people that are close to you. Don’t feel like you have to do it alone, you shouldn’t. It may feel embarrassing but the truth is everyone needs help sometimes. That’s what they are there for. They’ll be happy to help and you two will grow closer. Realize that it won’t be easy. Just take every day as it comes. Realize too that things you will enjoy will come from this, like peace and quiet or having the bed all to yourself.

Understand that you aren’t the only one that is in pain. Your ex-spouse is. too. They may act irrationally, lash out and so on. That doesn’t mean you should accept or tolerate such behavior, certainly not. But you should come to know where it is coming from and once you do, it takes the sting out a little. Realize that divorce does not equal failure, unless 40-50% of people who get married are failures. It’s common and it happens. You aren’t going to be single forever. There are lots of people out there to date. Just worry about getting through the rough patch and getting to that light at the end of the tunnel. Your lawyer is going to call you to inform you of particulars or movement in the case. You may not like everything that you hear. Just do the right things, make choices based on your morals and in the end, it will all come out alright. Sometimes you feel like life isn’t going to ever improve, but things will get better. Some people may tell you that all the good ones are taken or some other opinions about how it is out there. But the truth is there are all kinds of people single out there at all ages and more ways than ever before to connect. Someday you will see your ex with someone else. Be ready for that day and no matter what, be honorable and hold your head up high. If someone tells you that you need antidepressants, know that a lot of people are taking them at the beginning of a divorce. Just investigate, find out all the facts and see if it’s right for you. You’ll be past it all someday. There will be good days and bad days. Just know that no matter if you are feeling anxious, sad or depressed, reach out and do things to make yourself feel better. Remember that soon the dark days will be behind you and you’ll be happy and free. For more advice on this topic, read The Divorce Survival Guide by Calistoga Press.