If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

Online-Flirting-Is-Cheating

If he’s got these in his Search History, Delete Him

We are all guilty of looking at things we shouldn’t on the internet from time to time. But there are certain things that cross the line. Respect and trust need to exist in any relationship for it to be healthy and happy. But there are just certain things a husband or boyfriend shouldn’t be seeking out. If he’s got these websites in his search history, delete him from your life or expect trouble the next time you sign on to his shenanigans. It’s perfectly normal for a guy to seek out some porn. They are guys, they are going to look. But if you happen to find an over-obsessive amount, this is a deal breaker. It may mean he’s addicted to porn. He could then have trouble pleasing you.

Another phenomenon that is occurring, guys who expect their wives and girlfriends to act like porn stars in the bedroom. While you may be all about exploring your kinky side, just understand that the women in these films never get their needs met. So if you want him to go down south, or you wish to explore some of your own fantasies, you’d better come right out and talk about it or it could all be over. Another deal breaker in this realm is porn that is too extreme. Sure he may have a fetish which you enjoy or are at least willing to accommodate. But if you find out he’s really into some sick stuff, it’s time to hit the road. Next thing you know he’ll want to bring some of that stuff into the bedroom. FYI, if you’re up for it, a little bit of good quality porn between consenting adults can actually stimulate your love life form time to time.

If he’s been on dating sites since you two have become an item, get rid of him. He’s a player, a narcissist; he’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s looking to cheat. One side note, make sure you two have verbalized that you are in a committed relationship. Some girls just assume. If you haven’t said it, it isn’t true. When you are only dating you can’t expect him to shut down his dating profile. You never know what might happen. He’s keeping his options open or still deciding on you. You may be in the same phase. But if you’ve said the three little words, be mine only and they said yes, then this guy is a heartless scumbag. He’ll give you a line of crap. If you fall for it, he’ll cheat on you anyway, and you’ll be in more pain and hate yourself worse for failing to see through his jive.

If your man has a long history of surfing gay websites, you need to confront him about it. There’s nothing wrong with different sexual orientations. If you fantasize about having two guys, and the relationship doesn’t mean that much to you emotionally, you may find it exhilarating. Otherwise, your man may run off with another man. How will you feel then? If you find him on Ashley Madison or some other type of cheating website, sign off on this relationship. He’s a cheater and a sneak. For help moving on if or when your break up read, You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps by Claire Casey.

Can we save our Marriage?

save

Can we save our Marriage?

This is the number one question couples in marriage counseling ask the therapist. People never know when a relationship is salvageable and when to go their separate ways. There are many people who focus more on getting out of a bad relationship, than on making the one they have worthwhile. Focusing so much on getting out can make you ignore the positive qualities the marriage has. When the focus for one person is a breakup, their preoccupation may inadvertently be the thing driving the couple toward divorce. On the other hand, one should be cognizant that every marriage has its ups and downs. Every relationship has the potential to end. There are of course certain steps you can take to bring a relationship down from the ledge. But a better strategy is to form a deep emotional connection to one another. This will motivate you to work your problems out and build a stronger, happier marriage.  Practicing generosity, kindness, compassion, respect and honesty, mutually, will make the marriage far more fulfilling. When each person is fulfilled, divorce becomes the furthest thing from their minds. Sometimes though, there are significant forces working on a couple, making happy reunification unlikely.

Certainly not all marriages can be saved, or should be. There are lots of unhealthy behaviors that can inhabit a marriage; addiction with no willingness to seek treatment, chronic lying, serial infidelity, neglect, abusive behavior, whether physical or psychological, and much more. These are violations to the commitment you both share within the bond of matrimony. Doing these things violates the sanctimonious vow you gave to one another on your wedding day. The most important thing is whether or not both parties have a willingness to admit what has gone wrong, and work toward solving the issues that they have. Mere acknowledgment of the problem is not enough. If there is no willingness on the part of both parties to change behavior, there may be no reason to move forward with the relationship at all. Destructive patterns played out over and over again, without any hope of relief, is a recipe for divorce. Recognizing these patterns and the role each party plays in them is the first step. But trying different strategies when the problems arise, and varying those strategies depending upon the situation are also key. It’s important to remember not to get discouraged if things don’t work out just the way you planned. It may need some tweaking. If you love your spouse and are committed to the marriage, and they feel the same way, then everything you need is there to make it happen, and make things work.

There is no easy answer for knowing when to stay together and when to move apart. Each situation is dependent upon the individuals, what has happened between them, what they value and how they look at things. Perception is invariably important. Circumstances for one couple that would be deal breakers to another merely have to be negotiated. There are a few simple guidelines you can follow to have the best possible outcome. One of the things to keep in mind is that working through the problems of a shaky marriage can be painful, sometimes even excruciating. For those who don’t have the ability to tolerate this sort of pain, the impulse to end the relationship, or manipulate their spouse into filing for divorce, can be strong. Marriages that are in trouble are often helped through counseling. There are lots of situations in marriage that are difficult to maneuver. It is good to know when you and your spouse are in over your heads.  Each person should develop the inner qualities on their own that will help make this marriage work. You can be your own psychologist and develop your own inner workings in order to be more honest, compassionate, engaged and loving. When you give something your best, there is always the risk that it might not work. Evaluate the emotional level you are both at. Have a long, calm discussion. Give it a shot. If it doesn’t work, at least you tried. But you two may just come out stronger, and more loving in the end due to this time when you struggled together. For more help finding marital bliss pick up a copy of, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love by Linda Bloom, L.C.S.W. and Charlie Bloom, M.S.W.

Should you Have Deal Breakers when Dating?

deal breaker

Should you Have Deal Breakers when Dating?

A deal-breaker is a quality that makes a person unfit to date. These can be traits one does not have, such as employment. Or it could be something a person does have that drives you crazy. Smoking, sloppiness, and having political views opposed to your own are just some examples. Lots of people, especially women, have dating deal breakers. Many people no matter the gender who have been through a divorce often rework their whole vetting process. But some people make their list of wants and needs too stringent. Others use it as a roadblock instead of a checkpoint. This gives the dater the ability to reject anyone while claiming that the fault lies with the poor quality of mates available rather than with one’s self. Those with commitment or intimacy issues often rely on this tactic. Others have a specific picture of the person they want or have in mind, and don’t open themselves up to the actualities and possibilities that exist before them. So at issue is whether or not these deal breakers cause someone to reject a mate without giving them a proper chance. Certainly one shouldn’t be dating everyone but those who have potential. You just have to make sure your vetting process doesn’t accidentally filter out someone who could make you very happy, and whom you could make happy in return.

One problem with deal breakers is that those who carry them hold them as gospel. There may be someone for instance with an opposite political viewpoint who is kind, considerate, attractive, passionate and has a great sense of humor. This is where the decision-making process gets difficult. If you focus too much on this one particular aspect of the person you may lose sight of all their other positive qualities. Of course if your political outlook is such an integral part of your life that it cannot be separated out then perhaps dating someone from the other side of the spectrum isn’t the best of ideas. But for most people this isn’t the case. What’s more, a person’s focus on this issue who doesn’t hold politics as central to their life would find that having this aspect as one of their deal breakers would be getting in their own way, obstructing love for a reason that seems inconsequential. If you have someone that you adore but hate their politics don’t talk politics with them and focus on their other qualities. But putting one quality ahead of others, specifically a quality that seems superficial, may filter out those who have real potential, and therefore obstruct one’s own chance at happiness and love. More important qualities like integrity, wit, charm, and chemistry among others may be eclipsed by less integral aspects. So should we even have deal breakers when dating?

A deal breaker is pivotal only when it focuses on core aspects of a potential mate’s personality that will cause harm to you or the relationship. If a person isn’t considerate, isn’t honest or trustworthy for instance, these qualities can make or break a relationship. Of course there is some gray area here. For instance, if you have severe asthma and the person you are trying to date refuses to give up smoking then a relationship cannot form. But what is at issue is not the smoking per se but their unwillingness to give up a harmful aspect of themselves for a loftier goal, keeping you around. If someone drinks moderately and you don’t like alcohol, if they are responsible then perhaps you can overlook it. But if they enjoy drinking and you are a recovering alcoholic, this person is not right for you. It’s all relative and for each person it’s different. It’s best to have a sketch of what you are looking for. Most romantic comedies start out with two unlikely characters that are good people who end up falling in love, despite their differences. This really happens in life from time to time. You don’t want to stand in the way of your own romcom coming to life. Make sure your deal breakers are things that are significant qualities that can harm you or the relationship. Don’t reject someone outright for superficial quirks. Instead be on the lookout for deep, integral positive and negative qualities that can help or harm a relationship. With the right vetting process in place you should have far more positive dating experiences. For more on the updated guidelines of love pick up a copy of, Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules) by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Reasons Men end Relationships

BREAKING-UP

Reasons Men end Relationships

There are the normal reasons men end relationships such as his girlfriend is too clingy, a high maintenance drama queen, a baby, a cheater, a gold digger, too freaky to bring home to mom, always complaining, gossipy, or have nothing in common with. But there are little reasons too, that are often off of a woman’s radar that a man will end a relationship. Have you ever fought with your family or spoken to them in a harsh manner in front of him? This can be a deal breaker for men. If that’s just the way you talk in your family and you are serious about this guy, sit him down and explain it to him. Not all families, ethnicities and customs are the same. It can often be hard to understand as an outsider. But if you are clearly disrespecting your parents in front of him and you have no excuse for it, think about what it makes him think about you.

When all the photos you have on your Instagram, Facebook and other social media sites are all about partying your man notices, and he wonders. Just as if you have some idea that a man parties too much or might have an alcohol or substance abuse problem. Make sure to have photos of varying kinds. And go on dates with your special guy to the coffee house, museum, art gallery, park or some other romantic and cerebral venue. Guys can feel vulnerable if you talk about your ex too much. It makes him think they are the rebound guy or that that relationship meant more to you than the one you are in with him. Instead, proceed carefully and let these stories unfold over time. Keep the lines of communication open and make him comfortable enough to ask you anything. And expect him to return the favor. For more advice read, Why You’re Still Single: The 7 Deadly Mistakes to Avoid with Men by James Taylor.

How to Deal with a Spouse who is a Sex Addict

cheat

How to Deal with a Spouse who is a Sex Addict

There is a divide on where sex addiction comes from among psychologists. Some believe it stems from a trauma endured during infancy or early childhood. This trauma creates an intimacy disorder. The disorder surfaces later in life in the form of an obsession with porn or taking part in infidelity and other high-risk behaviors. Another camp of psychologists believes sex addiction isn’t a compulsion at all but a coping mechanism. Just like with drugs or alcohol, it is taken part in to relieve pressure, pain or an emptiness felt deep inside. Drug addicts need a fix and, in this view, so do sex addicts. The fix here however is sex. No matter where it stems from, a spouse with a sex addiction takes a heavy toll on a marriage. The person should seek individual therapy with a counselor experienced in such matters. What’s more, they should also attend a support group in your area as part of their treatment plan. When they enter recovery, they will hopefully cease their destructive behaviors, and work through whatever trauma they’ve endured with the therapist. The marriage will also need significant work to get it back on track.

A remediation strategy is needed to address the pain, hurt and trauma the spouse of a sex addict has endured. The couple should then meet together with the therapist during periodic strategy meetings in order for the partner to assist in therapy. The spouse can be a valuable resource, helping the therapist to evaluate the addict’s recovery, provide other information on the spouse and help the spouse work through their problem. Trust at this point has been obliterated. It has to be rebuilt from the ground up. Still, the healing process has to be conducted in such a way whereas it heals both parties, rather than causing more harm. Usually, the recovering addict either wants to clam up, recoiling at the very thought of revealing details about their previous activities, or to show their sincere desire to change, blurting out their betrayals regardless of setting or present company. Neither one is helpful when trying to repair a marriage stretched to its limit. There are a few addicts who practice a strategy of “staggered disclosure.” This is letting out just enough information to dismay their partner, without getting to the heart of the questions the partner most wants answers to.

None of these patterns ensure a healthful recovery. Still, all therapists agree a certain amount of disclosure is required for the healing process to take place. One survey found that 93% of partners wanted full disclosure for intimacy to be rebuilt. Disclosure however must only be done in a very tightly controlled way. Usually, three to six months is the period where psychologists believe full disclosure can finally take place. One method often used is when the addict writes down all the lies and infidelities in a timeline. Then the spouse is asked to write down their “deal breakers” that would discontinue the marriage. The person in therapy is given this to work into their completed disclosure essay. When a sex addict is in the full throes of their addiction, they will do anything to cover up their trail. They may lie about where they were. They may erase texts, calls, emails. They will lie about the relationships they are involved in and the hookups they’ve had. But in the recovery period a spouse has a chance to talk about how they feel and elicit empathy and regret from the addict. If done correctly, this can be a powerful moment, lifting a tremendous weight off of each person’s shoulders. It is a good place to start from, in terms of rebuilding intimacy. If you are in a marriage with a sex addict, get them to seek treatment. For more on this topic pick up a copy of, Before the Dust Settles (Advice from a Sex Addict’s Wife): 8 Mistakes to Avoid Immediately after Discovering Your Partner’s Sex Addiction by Margaret Stone.