Attractions of Inspiration

DATING

Attractions of Inspiration

You cannot control who you are sexually attracted to. And you can’t force it. But you can educate your libido. If all you end up with is a broken heart, can’t stop running after bad girls or bad boys, or always pick someone who’s emotionally unavailable, you can change the course of your love life. You aren’t doomed to failure. What you need to do is to develop attraction to people who are well-adjusted, kind, considerate and supportive, among other qualities. You can develop the skills necessary to have solid, healthy relationships. And these are the same skills you’ll use to keep those relationships fresh and alive.

When we look for a potential mate, we have natural evaluation systems we aren’t even aware of analyzing data and sending us emotions in tune with that data. There are really two systems going on at once. The conscious mind is attracted to the positive things that contribute to a successful, happy relationship. But the subconscious is drawn toward the issues we most suffered from at the hands of our caregivers as children such as neglect, abuse, manipulation, betrayal and anger. To work through these issues we seek a partner who embodies the same such problem we are struggling with in order to have a second chance at moving past the problem and healing psychologically.

This explains why we feel knocked off kilter when we meet someone that we’re really into. It also shows why love affairs can be so exhilarating and so agonizing when they end. Some people solve the problem by dating people that are safe but they have no attraction to. This usually leads to boredom and feeling unfulfilled. Others date those they find highly attractive, and go on constant roller coaster rides of the heart, with thrills and spills which leave you heady or down in the dumps from one week to the next. The trick is to date someone with a midrange level of attraction, but who also has qualities that are good for long term potential such as a good sense of humor, dependability, honesty, hard-working, considerate, kind and all of that good stuff.

Cultivate an attraction of inspiration and not only will you be in the right place romantically, your lover will be one of a high quality, where you can also enjoy a long term, healthy and committed relationship. How do you do that? The trick is to build intimacy. You need to get the heart and the head going in the right direction. Don’t focus on the person’s imperfections; instead focus on their good qualities. Spend lots of time together and talk about everything. Get close and build closeness. Don’t get nervous or take off if it doesn’t get off the launch pad right away. Stick in there with someone you like on an intellectual level and build your attraction to them. If you have an ember of attraction, with a little patience and some deep reflection, you can stoke your own ember into an inferno of passion. For more advice read, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud.

Myths that Keep Us from Love

BAD-DATE

Myths that Keep Us from Love

There’s lots of dating advice out there that while the speaker’s intent is sincere, the message is actually an obstacle rather than a way forward. There are myths that keep us from love rather than helping us find it. The first myth is playing it cool. Conventional wisdom goes that you shouldn’t let on how interested you are in a person, or else they may find you desperate or needy. This isn’t true at all.

Our belief in playing hard to get shouldn’t be absolute. You can use it if the person you are after is emotionally unavailable. Otherwise, be nice and open. Who doesn’t want those qualities in a relationship? If they reciprocate then this might be the person you are looking for. But they should at least respect these qualities. If playing it cool works for you that’s great. But if you aren’t really that type, or haven’t tried it, you’ll flub it. So be yourself. Feel it out and act accordingly. Make sure you draw boundaries. Don’t get taken advantage of. But if someone is frightened off by openness than they weren’t ready for a relationship to begin with. And if that’s what you’re looking for, thank your lucky stars and move on.

We are often told that all we need is a little self-confidence. Confidence is great if mixed with some modesty. But projecting cool and confident can make you look like a superficial snob, or an egotistical jerk. Its better if you let your date know about your shyness, anxiety, or other issues. You don’t have to lay them all out before them. But just be who you are. Own yourself, including your faults. If you have come to terms with your shortcomings, why not show your date this? Anyone who is worthwhile will recognize it and see it as a great asset. If you’re nervous on a date just be honest and say that you’re nervous. You’re date will probably think it’s cute. If they’re worth your time they’ll try to get you to relax. Even admitting it will help you to relax. And then if they’re helping you, all of a sudden you two are jiving, and isn’t that what a date’s all about? Be as cool, witty and charming as you normally are. You can amp it up a little bit. But don’t portray a false confidence. It almost always falls flat.

Lastly, the numbers game is a myth that should be debunked. Many people believe that with the power of the internet, they can go on a ton of dates and will, out of the mass of people they’ve encountered, unearth the one they’ve been looking for. The exact opposite is true. You will feel a kind of dating fatigue after so many dates. People will start to look the same. You will feel numb, give your date less of a chance and be less willing to connect. It will actually get in the way. Strive for quality over quantity. Only respond or date people you have things in common with. The more in common the better the date. With these myths debunked, consider your love life simplified. For more dating advice read, Is This The One?-Insightful Dates for Finding the Love of Your Life by Stephen Arterburn.

Why do Some People Stay with Someone Who Isn’t Good Enough for them?

Fashion Beautiful Couple In Love Holding Money The Family Budget. Business Concept

Why do Some People Stay with Someone Who Isn’t Good Enough for them?

You know when you see that really amazing girl or guy; funny, good looking, smart and passionate, and you find out later who they are dating and you are floored? Why them? This person is so gorgeous and their partner seems to be short on good qualities. And you wonder why this unbelievable person could be with this mediocre at best partner. Why do some people stay with someone who doesn’t appear good enough for them? Some people are merely complacent in their relationships. Others are harboring feelings of inadequacy and fear being single. There are those who have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one financed by their significant other. But it’s psychologically unhealthy if the love for material items far outweighs the love for your partner. Each person should be able to support themselves and be financially independent or at least plan to be say if one is in college working toward a career, or else you end up resenting the other person and the power dynamic is merely one sided. A relationship should fulfill a person emotionally. But if a relationship doesn’t do that, no matter how good the lifestyle or how good it feels to be with someone, it isn’t going to do what it is supposed to do. You will get emotionally drained and sooner or later you’ll split up.

Some people stick together for the sake of the kids. But if this is a high conflict relationship, studies have shown that you are probably doing more harm than good. Even if it is a low conflict household, children can sense the unhappiness of their parents. And what effect will that have on their psyches? If you are embedded in a relationship and do not know how to get out of it, start with your own self-worth. Start to discover who you really are and who you want to be. Learn to love yourself. Then see if you can love the person you are with. Are they good for you or are they adding to negativity in your life? Is the relationship salvageable or is it best to move on? Come to realize what your personal needs are and if the person you are with can fulfill them. Can you fulfill their personal needs? If you are in an unhealthy relationship, find your way out of it. It will only get worse. Instead of allowing you the room you need to grow and develop and become the best person you can be, it will be holding you back and stifling your development. Find someone who enhances your life experience instead of someone who hampers it. Go out on a limb and find real love. It will be there if you just give yourself the right to be happy. For more advice read, Letting Go of Mr. Wrong: Realize Your Self-Worth by Sonya Parker.

Reasons you May be Single

dating

Reasons you May be Single

Some people are single because they want to be. That is a perfectly valid reason. They are at a time in their life where they don’t want a relationship. Others are single due to some trauma. Perhaps they got out of a serious relationship or dated a lot but clicked with no one. But if you’re over thirty and wondering why you may be single, perhaps there are some underlying reasons you haven’t considered. Of course, we’ve all dated terrible people. But we also have our own baggage we bring to relationships. We often don’t want to face what problems we bring. However, they can help you. The truth is love is a category that deep within has the seeds of personal growth. You’ll find that if you do have one of the following problems, unblocking the clog will only improve yourself, your love life, even perhaps your career or future prospects. For instance, due to bad relationships or other past traumas, some of us put up walls. But those defenses have their negative problems, such as making you emotionally unavailable, or have trouble being vulnerable and thus suffering from a lack of intimacy. We can blame being single on others, but if your defenses are up you may not be as open as you think you are.

Those that have their defenses up don’t always pick the best partners. If they had parents who were standoffish or negligent they will pick someone who is aloof and distant. And what kind of relationship is that? It’s almost doomed to failure, or at least to be unfulfilling. A relationship can bring up feelings of insecurity, which can make you push a good partner; someone you fear is getting too close, away. Pushing this person away only allows for your negative self-image to continue unabated. It may make you less fearful in the short term. In the long term you will be picking the wrong partners and will not experience intimacy. Intimacy is a kind of openness and interconnectedness flowing between both partners. And if one or both partners’ fears becoming open, intimacy is not available. Some people who fear intimacy become picky and way too judgmental. They let a high set of standards be their wall to detract potential suitors and keep anyone they could be intimate with away. Low self-esteem can also get us to date the wrong people. Here the standards are too low. You convince yourself someone who is interested in you really isn’t, or won’t be for long. But only date people who aren’t emotionally available or are cold and distant, thinking that this is what you deserve. Dig deep. Look at your romantic history and see if there is a pattern. Talk to your close friends and confidants; they’ll know. And you’ll soon be on the way to insight, well-adjustment and a healthy love life. For more on this topic read, It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel.

Why we Date People who Aren’t Good for Us

divorcing

Why we Date People who Aren’t Good for Us

Have you ever been in a relationship you know in your head is wrong but you continue with anyway? Sometimes there are practical reasons like you can’t afford the rent on your own, you’ve bought property together, or just can’t see yourself living alone. But are these really the only reasons? Sometimes people don’t even have reasons like these. They just don’t know why they stay with someone who isn’t for them. So why do we date people who aren’t good for us? There may be some subconscious reasons you are not even aware of. Are you afraid of commitment? Do you happen to break up with someone or get divorced periodically, when just a few years or even months have gone by? These types usually couple with others who are scared of commitment, and just won’t say so. Then they blame each other, but never look at what baggage they themselves bring to the relationship. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Another reason may be unresolved childhood trauma. The person you select is from the archetype of your first caregivers, normally one’s parents. If you pick people who abuse you, treat you harshly or are just neglectful or emotionally unavailable, look to see if those who took care of you when you were young acted the same way towards you.

Do you generally focus only on the person’s good qualities and ignore the bad? Even the worst people can have moments when they are kind. But if they have a whole bunch of bad qualities and only a few good ones, your fixation is unrealistic. Instead, try to take a step back and look at the whole person. You could also be so caught up in what you felt in the beginning of the relationship that you are still living there and not noticing what is happening in the relationship now. Some people just don’t do well with reality. They’d rather live in denial. But that can only take you so far. And if your reality gets too out of touch with the real reality it could be embarrassing, and even have dangerous consequences. Have you been having a sexual relationship with this person and it’s turning bad or you’ve gotten emotionally attached when you shouldn’t have? Humans are biologically programmed to connect with those they have sex with. That doesn’t necessarily mean that this person is good or healthy for you. Sometimes a relationship is used to deflect a deeper issue in ourselves that we aren’t willing to deal with. Lastly, if you can’t admit you’ve made a mistake then you’d rather ignore the problem than actually face it. Dig and see what you can unearth to make your love life happy, healthy and satisfying.   For more on this topic, read Dating the Wrong Men: The Misadventurer’s Guide through Bad Relationship Choices by Kelly Rossi.