Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

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Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

There are a lot of different reasons someone can blow the trust in a relationship. It could be infidelity, emotional cheating, cleaning out the bank account and blowing it in Vegas, a shopping spree and hiding the credit card bills, or instead a string of little things so long it makes one wonder if they ever told the truth at all. Whatever the reason, trust is the glue that keeps a relationship together. Without trust there is no intimacy and without intimacy, no relationship. You can’t be intimate with someone you have to constantly be on guard around. So can you repair a relationship where the trust is gone? Certainly no one is perfect. Depending upon what you believe and what they have done, there are ways to build bridges back to trust. It isn’t easy. It takes a lot of patience, forgiveness, owning up to what both parties have done and superb communication. It’s important to look at what led up to the violation. Oftentimes there are certain goings-on in a relationship, underlying problems that must be addressed so such a slipup don’t happen again.

Those who are the victims shouldn’t rub their partner’s face in transgressions. Nor should they ignore what contribution they themselves may have made to the situation. Only when each person is open and honest with each other can they make plans of action or rules of engagement that work for them, can they overcome these obstacles and rebuild trust. If both parties are still very much in love, engaged and committed to renewing the relationship then it has the highest likelihood of happening. But half measures will cause few returns. The person who has perpetuated the betrayal has to be sorry. But they should also be open and forthcoming in all aspects and ready and willing to change. The more open they are the faster the healing process will be. A betrayal can be implicit or explicit, meaning it may be something that was a spoken rule or just an obvious one. But it can’t be obvious to one person and not the other. When a transgression has occurred and the person lies or covers up their betrayal, these actions only make things worse. They also contribute to a longer and more difficult road ahead.

Of course every relationship and situation is different. That said there are a few things anyone going on this harrowing journey should keep in mind. If you are the betrayer, fess up before they find out. The longer you wait the more damage you will cause and the more time it will take for the relationship to recover. Plus, unburdening yourself from the guilt will also be a great relief. Decide then and there to have absolutely no dishonesty in your relationship ever again. If you can’t be honest with your partner, why are you with them? At the time of confession and even after, allow your partner to ask questions. Be honest in answering. You want to communicate and restore goodwill. If you are the victim, you shouldn’t keep asking questions just to shock or hurt yourself. At a certain point, you have decided to stay in the relationship or go. If you are staying, it’s important to find the path toward healing, not dwell on the past. Patience is the best characteristic in this situation. Practice it unendingly. Keep in touch with yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to be fully present and listen to your partner as you work through things. Stay focused and if you are both meant to be together, you can get past this terrible time and find each other once again. For advice on keeping your marriage on the right track before transgressions start read, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love by Linda Bloom and Charlie Bloom.

Dealing with your Spouse’s Checkered Past

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Was your spouse romantically adventurous before you met? If so, you may harbor feelings of insecurity, jealousy, regret of your own past, and perhaps fear that experiences with you won’t measure up. Oftentimes the problem is worse if the spouse who was adventurous was female, as we still hold on to certain sexual stereotypes about women’s need for purity. But women can be just as insecure, jealous and uncomfortable with a man who had many lovers before marriage. Obviously it isn’t fair holding someone’s past against them. But you can’t just couch these emotions and hope they go away either. Instead, it’s best to let them surface and deal with them. Many people who have a jealous streak want to corner their spouse and have them confess each and every encounter. They think perhaps knowing all the details will make things better. But the truth of the matter is this often makes things worse. So how do you deal with your spouse’s checkered past? For one thing, realize that this was the person they were before they met you. Since you two are married, it’s obvious that despite their past, in the end they chose you. There must be something about you then that the others lacked. Ask what it is.

Realize too that envy, competition and jealousy play a major role. It’s okay to feel these emotions. Psychologists often say that emotions themselves are not good or bad. It’s how you deal with these emotions that makes them good or bad. In terms of insecurity, take a look at yourself and your relationship together. What are you offering to your spouse? How do you treat them? What experiences do you have together that make your relationship unique and special? What qualities do you bring to the table that others lack? Instead of wanting a confession or a detailed report of their past, perhaps focus on what qualities set you apart from the rest. Realize that your spouse’s honesty is an important show of trust, respect and love. They certainly were not required to be honest with you, but feel so much in love with you that they are compelled to be honest. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the positive. If you feel inadequate, talk to your spouse about it, they will reassure you. Seek out a perspective that puts you at ease. Talk honestly about how you feel and work through the emotions together. If you still can’t get over it, perhaps it’s important to seek out a professional to work through these issues. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and it takes a lot of courage to reveal them to someone you love. Don’t betray that trust, honor it and your relationship will blossom. For more on this topic, read the advice of Cris Goodman in his book, Jealousy Free- The Ultimate Guide to Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships Forever.

React Calmly to Your Lover’s Confession

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We all have a past. Like it or not, you have one and your lover has one, too. In that, if you want to grow closer, you will over time reveal your secrets, as will your partner. This building of trust and vulnerability is the path to intimacy, a relationship’s highest goal. So how you react to your sweetie’s unloading can make or break a relationship. You need to react calmly to your lover’s confession. But how can you keep yourself in control when at the moment you are about to hear one of their deepest, darkest secrets your heart is pounding at a mile a minute? Certainly, revealing the skeleton’s in one’s closet is not easy. It shows a lot of trust and commitment for them to tell you. If you follow this advice, you’ll have the best outcome. First, pick a good, convenient time to discuss it. It should be when neither are in a rush or stressed out. Remember that no matter what they say, don’t get heated or upset. Take a step back and evaluate the information. Don’t try to dig for information that only concerns you. Instead, see it from your lover’s point of view. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? If the confession is about sex, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.

Respect your partner’s privacy. Don’t push too hard for them to reveal details you really want to know. Instead, accept the confession gracefully. Allow them time to sort their feelings out. Confessing can be quite emotional. Give them a little space and let them feel comfortable. If they are worth your time, they will soon be giving you the details you want. If not, gently ask. If they get too defensive, back off and give them some space, then approach the subject again later. Don’t walk away from a lover’s confession. It can be difficult to hear what they have to say, but if you walk out on them they will shut down and it will damage the relationship, perhaps irreparably. You could make them feel hurt, guilty, or even angry. Don’t ask why they hadn’t told you earlier. Never use the information they confessed against them, say in a heated argument. This will put distance in the relationship, rather than bringing you two together. Perhaps they didn’t have the courage at the time to tell you, or never found the right moment. Don’t blame them for confessing. Invite confessions and openness into your relationship. Do not share the information your partner has confessed with anyone. Eventually it will get back to them and they will feel betrayed. By reacting to a confession the right way, you will strengthen the relationship and grow closer. For more trust-building tips, read the advice of Ashley Rosebloom in her book, Building Relationship Trust- 100 Quick Tips on How to Build, Maintain and Regain Trust in a Relationship.

A Good Excuse for Missing a Date

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Making dates is important. It sends the message that you value a person’s time and respect them. And what kind of relationship can take root without being fed the proper nutrients, those being respect and trust? Of course, everyone makes mistakes, and if you’ve double booked yourself and can’t get out of the other thing, you’ll need to make a good excuse for missing your date. A little white lie can help save this budding relationship, or stave off hard feelings. To avoid this happening in the future get an organizer, a calendar or an app that acts like an organizer for your smartphone. But you need to deal with the matter at hand. Think of a simple lie that will be believable. If you drive an old clunker, car trouble is always a great excuse. But if you’re leasing a new car, it may not be believable. Sudden illness is always good. No one questions a 24 hour virus or food poisoning. Tell them it was painful but you want to spare them the details. Instead, tell them you will make it up to them. Take them out to a really nice place, cook for them, or treat them to something special like a play, concert, a night at the club, dancing, or whatever they really like to do.

What kind of liar are you? If you are a good liar, simply call your date, as soon as possible, and explain why you need to reschedule. But if you’re a bad liar, your unnatural tone is sure to tip your date off that there’s something fishy going on. Instead, why not practice in front of a mirror? Deliver it like a speech to your dog or cat. If you have a confidant you’ve let on to this little secret, practice in front of them. Make the call short, sweet and to the point. Tell them you aren’t feeling well or have to go but will call tomorrow to reschedule with them. If you reschedule at another time, you are less likely to slip up. Apologize profusely and tell them how horrible you feel. It will make them feel sympathetic to you. Make sure it isn’t a lie that can follow you. Don’t lie about family illness for instance because they will keep asking about it. The issue won’t end there either. When he or she meets your family you can bet if they have any kind of memory they will bring it up. But a stomach flu or car trouble isn’t worth mentioning to your family. You can just say that you didn’t want to worry them about your health or the expense. Make sure to build a relationship on trust. Somewhere down the line you may even want to tell them about it, and work to make amends. If they are worth your time they will appreciate it. Be considerate. Do the right thing. And make plans not to double book again. For more tips on how to better manage your busy schedule, read the advice of Higher Read in their book, How to Organize Your Life.

Overcome Relationship Guilt

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Whether you are guilty of infidelity, spending too much and hiding the receipts, an emotional affair, smoking when you said you’d quit or some other transgression, it can really put a damper on your relationship. You may act moody, irritable and have a hard time developing trust and intimacy with your significant other. But you can overcome relationship guilt. If you don’t address the issue, sooner or later it will rear its ugly head. Your partner is apt to find out. Or your enormous guilt will eat you up inside and weigh you down so that the relationship gets dragged down with you. Instead, get over your guilt. It’s a normal human emotion. We all have it to some degree. Evaluate the actions that you took that you feel guilty over. Is it reasonable to feel guilty? Or are you just beating yourself up over something that really isn’t that big of a deal? If it is a matter of significance, how are you going to deal with the situation? It’s important to confront your romantic partner with your transgression. Don’t let on that you are going to confess something. Just ask to talk to them at a stress free moment, when you both have time and talk about it.

Let them know exactly what happened and how guilty you feel. Let them ask any questions. Hear them out and let them say their piece. Remember to tell them that you are ready to make amends, that you’ve learned your lesson and will never do it again. A long term relationship needs to thrive on a deep bond of trust. If you’ve violated that bond you must work hard to reestablish it. It’s better to air problems out in the open and deal with them as a couple. In fact, getting through a crisis can make a couple stronger. But it’s better to deal with the problem together as a couple and be drawn together, if uncomfortably at first, than swallow your guilt, let it eat you up inside and have it draw you apart. Apologize sincerely and deeply. Ask what you can do to make amends. Realize that the next day is a new day, and a fresh start. So work on moving on yourself as you attempt to reestablish trust and comfort your partner. Help someone else out and do good deeds. Seek assistance. Talk it over with a confidant. Love yourself and love your partner enough to do the right thing. In the end, you and they will be better for it. For more guidance on getting over relationship guilt, read the advice of Les Parrott in his book, Love’s Unseen Enemy: How to Overcome Guilt to Build Healthy Relationships.