Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Human sexuality was not a topic broached in America for most of its history. It wasn’t until the Kinsey Report in the 1950’s that we started talking about sex. This is also when we started to learn how wide and varied a spectrum human sexuality actually is. Sex is important in a relationship, and an integral part of human life. It helps couples stay connected. When a couple is not having sex, it usually speaks to some unresolved issue brewing underneath the surface. So if you used to have good sex together, but it somewhere fell apart, it is important that both of you sit down and work it out together, without any blame, guilt, or shame. Just try to find out where you went off the rails, and what you can do to get back on again. For those who believe that they are not sexually compatible from the start, or that once the honeymoon phase wore off, things fell apart, take a look at what the problem is. Each person should be able to explain to each other calmly and rationally why it is not working. Couples can have all sorts of sexual issues that put strain on their relationship. But many of these can be worked out, so that the couple can enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.

One common problem is the frequency of sex. Oftentimes, one person has a stronger libido than the other. This libidinal differential can be overcome in many ways. One is the one person who is less interested clear away presumptions and see if they can get in the mood. What turns this person on? Is it a certain kind of talk or atmosphere? Try and build that atmosphere and incorporate those aspects that they like, and see if they can get turned on. But if it does not work, perhaps some other accommodation can be made. No one should be forced to have sex against their will. Everyone has the right to sovereignty over their own body. That said, there may be other ways to please the libidinous lover in a way that is mutually acceptable such as digital stimulation, oral sex, body contact, watching while they masturbate and engaging in dirty talk, and more. A total lack of libido is often a symptom of a deeper psychological issue such as depression, or a physical one, such as a side effect of a certain medication. The appropriate person should get checked out if this is the case.

Another problem could be competing roles. Usually in the bedroom one person likes to be dominant, the other submissive. There are a scant few who are known as “switches” who can go equally both ways. But what do you do if you both want to be dominant or submissive? Why not take turns? Remember that giving your lover the kind of sex they want is a gift. It speaks to your generosity as a lover. What’s more, being able to grow beyond our comfort zone or normal mode of operation from time to time helps us to test our boundaries, and ultimately grow as a person. If it is a specific sex act your partner does not want to engage in, like oral sex, consider how important it is to you. Can you really not live without it? Most couples take it out of their performance and move on to things they are mutually interested in. But if you cannot live without it, you may have to talk about other arrangements, or just find a new partner. Another difference that can come up are “comfort creatures” who know what they like and want to stick with it, versus “thrill seekers” who get bored with repetition, and desire novelty in the bedroom. How do you negotiate this situation? The best thing to do is to each of you explain what your fantasies are, and find places where you can compromise. Another option is to negotiate. “I will do (blank) for you if you do (blank) for me.” Find ways to have both novelty and safety, like role playing and wearing different costumes. It is still you, but it isn’t. That way you both get what you want.

To learn more read, Marriage and Sex Box Set: Best Prescriptions on Keeping the Flame Ablaze and Maintaining a Happy Bond (Relationship Advice & Marriage Help) by Sheila Butler and Cassandra Levy.

 

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

too comfortable

Should you stay in a Relationship that is Just Comfortable?

Many of us have been there. You love someone but you aren’t in love with them. The relationship is very comfortable. There may be places where you don’t see eye-to-eye. But by and large, you have fun together, run a good household or just enjoy each other’s company. The person is perhaps a good choice for a mate. They are stable and kind. But that euphoric, weak-in-the-knees feeling has left the building. So should you stay in a relationship that is just comfortable but doesn’t give you fireworks or butterflies? There are really two schools of thought on this. The first is a very practical view. That is, stay with your partner. The reason, there are relationships and even marriages who do have that spark. Also, the candle that burns twice as bright often lasts half as long. Then a terrible breakup occurs and you are left all alone. The other scenario is one waits around forever. Instead of having the loving experiences available, one waits alone for a proposition which may never come. Why not, as the song says, love the one you’re with?

Sometimes these relationships that are comfortable used to have novelty. Kids, careers and a pileup of years have made them too comfortable. Here experts say the spark can be rekindled. One way to do so is to share novel experiences together. Travel to exotic lands, take part in exciting activities like sky diving and bungee jumping, learn a new skill together such as cooking or swing dancing or interact through a new sport such as karate or kayaking. These can reignite the spark. Another way is through reminiscing. Some relationship experts say merely having a date night can do it. This will inject some romance—you know interacting as a couple again instead of the person who takes care of a list of household duties. Then there are those who use their sexual interests to jumpstart their relationship. They may start to talk about and fulfill each person’s deep seeded fantasies, the ones they never spoke to another soul about. Some couples explore tantric sex or BDSM together to reignite that spark.

But then there is another school of thought, held by the fiercely independent who are not afraid of making it on their own. This type is perfectly happy by themselves. They won’t accept anything less than earth shattering love. If they work at it and can’t get it from their relationship then they end it, sooner or later. If the person they are dating doesn’t provide this feeling than they’d rather not be dating them. This type is generally focused on an important passion, mission, artistic pursuit, their children or career. They say if you really aren’t in love then you are just going through the motions, or else settling for a paltry mediocrity. Which interpretation is the right one? That all depends on the kind of person you are. If you are fiercely independent why not go for the love that will fill the space in your heart? See if you can reignite it with your current lover before you do something drastic. But if they cannot fulfill you why stay with them? Those who are a bit more practical and believe their relationship suits their needs should instead try and find ways to rekindle the flames. For more on this read the book, Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix.

Finding the Right Person

match

Finding the Right Person

Dating around is great. You get to meet so many different people, see your real likes and dislikes, and have so many romantic adventures. But there comes a time in almost everyone’s life, from the love bug who just hasn’t found the one to the player who is tired of the game, when it’s time to settle down and find love. Here are some strategies to help in finding the right person. First, you need to change your mindset completely. Most people date willy-nilly, pushed by the winds of fate to this person or to that. But this will be a conscious effort. It’s like looking for a job, the important part is meeting people and networking until what you’re looking for rises to the surface.

Now that you are in the proper mindset, don’t set out alone. Elicit the help of your friends. Who knows you better than them? You’ll want similar qualities to who they are, and they’ll know you so well that they’ll be great help. Send out a BOLO or Be On the Lookout. In other words have your friends and even family, if you are comfortable, on the alert for singles that match your criteria. It’s much easier when you have a whole legion of matchmakers at your side. You don’t have to sound desperate. Just tell them you haven’t met anyone you like lately and so you’re changing tactics. They know what you like so it should be easy. And offer to do the same for your single friends too. It makes it more like a singles exchange.

Take a look around. Sometimes people are emotionally involved with someone already, but they’ve written that person off for one reason or another. Do you have a friend or a coworker that you love to chat with? Do you guys share intimate details of you lives? Do you even have a pact that you’ll end up together if you or they never find anyone else? If you can picture yourself kissing this person than you are already into them. Shake off the denial. Have a talk with others that have seen you interact. And then why not hang out, flirt a little and slowly see if there’s any interest in taking things a bit further. You can always have some wine, and tell them it was the wine talking. A good friend would excuse and forget a little faux paus. But if it does work out you’ll have the right person for you, and they were in your midst all along. How funny and cute.

Attend social occasions, even if you don’t feel like it. Pump yourself up, slap a smile on and go out and mingle. You never know who you are going to meet. Too many singles have a negative attitude about social functions and don’t go, missing an opportunity to meet someone new. Or you might meet someone who knows someone perfect for you. So no social occasion is ever a waste. Look out for singles events in your area. Take up a new hobby that’s social; a sports team, book club, writers or artists club, whatever you fancy. And try internet dating. You’ll land the one soon and have a whole lot of fun in the process. For more advice read, Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Why do we Fall in Love?

inlove

Why do we Fall in Love?

Have you ever wondered how much of love is biology and how much is psychology? If you’ve ever wondered if chemistry just happens or can be created, if love at first sight is real and all other things about love, you are living in a wondrous time. Why do we fall in love? Science has some answers. There are three different systems in the brain, that when brought together spell the emotional and biological phenomenon we call love. First is the sex drive created to ensure the perpetuation of our species. The feeling of romantic love helps you focus on one person making sure you don’t waste any time or energy. The last part is the comfort and security you feel when with a long term partner, giving you time to raise children together.

Love feels fantastic because the pleasure centers of the brain are activated when we fall for someone. Dopamine, the chemical that makes you feel euphoric, enthralled, and sleepless mirrors other experiences, such as being high on cocaine. Love at first sight does occur, though more to men than to women. Men are visual creatures. Whereas women fall in love in terms of who a person is, their charm, status or power rather than their physicality. Love at first sight may be an evolutionary advantage, producing offspring in a short amount of time rather than the long, drawn out process we go through today with society as our backdrop.

Timing of course is just as important in falling in love as it is with everything else in life. If you’re too busy with work or focusing on your responsibilities you may not notice the perfect person for you, when they’re just inches away. But with a little free time and the right mindset, a sort of openness, not necessarily looking for it, love can hit you like a lightning bolt. If you want someone to fall in love with you, do exciting things together with them. This releases dopamine and norepinephrine into the brain, mimicking romantic love. There is a difference between love and lust. You can feel love for one person. But lust dissipates after sex. And you can feel attracted to someone without being compatible, or jealous if they are into someone else.

How do you keep the spark alive? By trying new and exciting things together, and doing the things you did when you were first dating. Perhaps someday all of our questions on love will be explained. Will that kill the romance? Or will it give us a finer appreciation of the nuances of love? Only time and intrepid scientists will give us the answers. For more on this topic read, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher.

First Date Questions to Be Prepared for

FIRST-DATE

First Date Questions to Be Prepared for

Are you going on a first date soon? The first date, as with a first impression, sets the tone for how you two will interact with each other. And this is the first crucial step to see if there is a mutual interest. They can be so scary and exciting, the butterflies, not knowing what to wear, how you should act and if you will feel the magic are all questions on your mind. Speaking of questions, it’s important to be prepared for what your date is most likely to ask you and how to respond. A first date is kind of like a job interview for love. You are seeing if they are the right fit for you and visa-versa. Of course you should be truthful in all of your answers. But you should be prepared for what they might ask you. You don’t want to be dumbfounded, fumble or be taken aback. Here are a few first date questions to be prepared for.

First, be prepared to talk about your career. If you aren’t working or you are in college, talk about what you’re passionate about. And let your interest shine through. People are attracted to others who share similar goals, passions and interests in life. And if you can let them see you radiate with what your passionate about it may deepen their interest in you, and spark a return of that same energy when they talk about what they’re interested in.

Whatever is asked, don’t take yourself too seriously. Keep everything light and positive. No one wants to hear a lot of complaining on a first date. Not that you have to steer clear of all negative subjects. But don’t dwell on them, and put a positive spin on it at the end. Be ready to talk about your achievement s, background and goals in life. Ask your date about theirs as well. People who are deeply spiritual or religious will ask about your own beliefs or faith. Try to find out as much as you can about their beliefs and faith beforehand and prepare your answers to be truthful. But make sure you are always respectful and interested in what someone else believes. That doesn’t mean you have to believe what they do. A good sign of a relationship’s ability to take root is the ability for a couple to agree to disagree on such matters as politics and religion, if you plan to stray past your own group or groups.

Be prepared to talk about any hobbies you may have. The person is looking for compatibility. These are great for conversations. See what’s in common. Can you see yourself watching movies on the couch with this person? Taking salsa dancing classes or going sky diving together? Prepare yourself for questions about kids, or wanting them. Some people will ask about past relationships. This is usually held to a subsequent date. However, if they feel comfortable or it comes up they may ask. If you or they are divorced it could be more likely to come up. Make sure to put a positive spin on it and don’t bad mouth your ex. Remember to relax and be yourself. Have fun on your first date. For more advice read, The First Date Survival Guide: What to Wear, Where to Go, How to Act by Ryan Magin.