Marry for the Right Reasons

Marry for the Right Reasons

Lots of girls fantasize about their wedding day where she will look gorgeous, and take the princely man of her dreams as his lawfully wedded wife. It is a spectacular event mimicking the fairy tales of childhood. The wedding industry perpetuates this myth and is rewarded handsomely for doing so. Whether it is a deeply fulfilling, edifying experience or not after the honeymoon is over, and moving forward into life depends upon a lot of things. If it is a marriage of two well developed, sound, and self-actualized equals, the marriage while still needing lots of work, and tender, loving care, but will be by and large a happy one. Trouble is lots of women and men too marry for the wrong reasons. This is where things get into trouble. Because whatever one person’s problems are, instead of being muted by the marriage, it is amplified by it. Each person’s problems affect the other, and is reflected back on one another, affecting the relationship as a whole. Marriage unfortunately is never a solution to problems. It only makes them worse. It is like those people who to try and solve the problems of a relationship by having a child, never thinking that the extra stresses that child brings could only make things worse. So make sure you marry for the right reasons, and avoid a painful divorce. Here are some reasons not to get married.

Some people marry to escape a bad situation at home. They have abusive or neglectful parents. Perhaps their closest family members ignore or criticize them. Though flight may be a solution, throwing one’s self into a marriage will only compound your issues. In this scenario their selection process may not be so well honed. They are thinking of the situation they are escaping, instead of carefully vetting their partner to see if this person is who they want to spend the rest of their life with. Some people get married because it just seems like the next logical step. Maybe they were high school sweethearts, and have a long history together. Their parents get along. They have a good group of friends, and everyone seems to be expecting them to tie the knot. But when we enter our twenties, we start to mature quite a bit. Those who marry so young often feel cheated, like they missed out on some great experiences in life. The two may also grow apart. Sometimes these relationships last. But usually, each person ends up going in their own separate direction. If you are young, wait and if it is right, go for it. But even with older people, if you do not in your heart feel that marriage is right, and are doing it just because it is expected, you may not give the marriage your all. Your partner will feel it, and so will you. And this will taint the relationship.

You should never get married to fix your soon-to-be spouse. If one person’s says he or she cannot live without the other, will even kill themselves if the other leaves, marriage is only going to make this situation worse. You cannot fix anyone and you cannot save anyone. The only person who can truly save someone is themselves. They have to come to the realization that their path is wrong and they need help. Unless you are a certified psychologist, though you may be savvy with people, begin to realize that this is beyond your scope. When we get married, we more or less take on the emotional baggage and psychological trauma the other has faced, and this is reciprocal. This situation is draining when one has serious issues to address. The saver spends all their time on the savee, who becomes a suck on their energy, and their life. No one in this situation can develop as a person, and the martyr gets stunted as a result. Both people will end up resenting one another and the marriage implodes.

Lastly, do not get married just to have company and avoid being alone. These are the folks that always had someone. But later in life when the demands of career, perhaps children, and a lack of meeting someone new put them through a dry spell. They fear going home to an empty apartment, and the approach of the weekend fills them with dread. But this is roulette. This person is likely to marry the first lover who shows any interest. They may be compatible. Or they may end up being toxic to one another. When one has issues with abandonment, familial issues, obsessive guilt, or moves from outward expectation instead of inward motivation, a marriage is shaky from the beginning. Become someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and find a partner you love but are also compatible with, and your marriage, while it will have its ups and downs, will be a happy one built to last. Otherwise there is painful litigation, the splitting up of assets, child custody battles, and a lot of emotional turmoil to look forward to. Understand that the person you choose to marry can uplift you to the firmament, or send you crashing down into the abyss. Choose wisely.

For more pick up a copy of, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary D Chapman.

 

Single in Your Thirties

Single in Your Thirties

With the way the job market is today, many people are putting off marriage. The omnipresent focus on advanced degrees and career development puts a damper on young people’s love lives. They have to put all of their focus on developing their career.  It’s normal to be single right into your thirties today. Around the late twenties or early to mid-thirties is when people are marrying, or as the trend increases choosing instead to cohabitate long term. Having children has been delayed until somewhere in the third decade as well.

Though it’s normal to be single even well into your thirties, and some prefer it that way, lots of people feel anxious about their love life if they don’t have someone serious at their side by this time. Women are feeling this sting particularly poignantly. But they shouldn’t worry so. Being single in your thirties today can even be natural. Lots of people feel lost without any clear path that one should take. It’s hard to figure out for yourself what you want in life and if it’s doable. But here is some advice to make dating and singleness in your thirties a more positive experience while you seek out your romantic path and pursue whom you meet on the road to love.

First, don’t build up a callous or bitter heart due to disappointments from the past. Lots of people clump the opposite sex together in a negative light when they’ve been unlucky in love. We are all guilty of it in some point in our lives and to a certain degree. The truth is that if you want to have a positive experience, you need to be enthusiastic. No one wants to date a sour puss. And if that’s all you are putting out there you are driving good, qualities mates away and perhaps attracting the wrong ones. Of course it is painful and heart wrenching when things don’t turn out right and we get hurt. No one and nothings seems to be able to cut so deep as being injured or spurned by someone we cared about. But at a certain point you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there again. It’s the same with a sport, an interest or a hobby. You have to work at it and you can’t let obstacles stand in the way. When you lose a game, you don’t give up the sport forever. You practice harder and come back to the playing field, not sulking but with your game face on. Don’t focus on your biological clock. It will make you choose the wrong person or make the wrong decision. Many a nasty divorce had its seeds in an anxious marriage. If it is really weighing on your consult your doctor for medical help such as freezing your eggs or sperm. This could free you from such worries. Know that you will date a lot, sometimes the wrong people, and that’s okay. Don’t fall for grass is always greener syndrome. Understand that everyone has faults. Find someone who has great qualities and faults you can live with, in time.

Bill in Massachusetts could make Sex during Divorce Illegal

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Bill in Massachusetts could make Sex during Divorce Illegal

If caught red handed between the sheets during your divorce, the law could have something to say about that if a new bill in Massachusetts passes, as it could make sex during divorce illegal. One stipulation of the proposed law is that you must have children living in the house with you and the divorce hasn’t been finalized yet. So after the divorce is finalized it’s perfectly legal to bring someone home if children are in the house, but it isn’t legal if divorce proceedings aren’t final? What kind of logic is that?

If a judge signs off on this tryst then you are off the hook, according to the bill. Wake a judge up in the middle of the night and see what kind of mood he is in to put his signature on an order like that. The bill actually reads like this “In divorce, separation, or 209A proceedings involving children and a marital home, the party remaining in the home shall not conduct a dating or sexual relationship within the home until a divorce is final and all financial and custody issues are resolved, unless the express permission is granted by the courts.”

State Sen. Richard Ross (R) filed the bill in the early months of 2013. He did so for a constituent of his Wrentham Selectman Robert Leclair. This bill was extended in March and will be on the floor of the state legislature in June. Senator Ross filed it on behalf of his constituent but according to a report he does not “support it.” Leclair, once the president of Fathers United for Equal Justice and having gone through a bitter divorce, is the primary architect and promoter of this bill. According to Russia Today, Leclair spoke of the bill saying that the bill would safeguard children during the divorce process. This law would have to be approved by the state legislature and the governor in order to be passed into law, a prospect that seems rather unlikely.

Certainly this bill will have personal liberty advocates up in arms. But it seems to be merely a way for a powerful man to publicly humiliate his wife by way of forcing a politician to propose an unjust or quixotic bill. This bill is a waste of state legislature’s time and the taxpayer’s money. In addition, bills such as this make a mockery of the legislative process. Certainly everyone except Leclair finds this utterly ridiculous. We’ll see if a defamation suit is filed by his ex-wife in the aftermath of this menagerie. For advice on getting through your divorce read, Conscious Divorce: Ending a Marriage with Integrity by Susan Allison.

The Best Support to Offer a Child when telling them About the Divorce

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The Best Support to Offer a Child when telling them About the Divorce

Parents often see divorce coming down the pike from a long way off. But to children, the news can seem sudden and can rock their very foundation. It’s important for children and parents to talk openly at this time. You should be supportive, loving, honest and approachable not just on the day you tell them, but every day afterward. Otherwise, the impact on the children can be serious and long-lasting. Talking to the children and letting them know about the divorce is one of the hardest things you can do as a parent. Co-parenting from this point on is one of the best things you can do, to counteract problems. It depends on how well you get along with your ex. But telling the children about the divorce together, establishing the same rules and consequences at both houses, and making sure schedules like school, sports and extra-curricular activities carry on can help iron out problems and send the message that just because a divorce is occurring, doesn’t mean life ends. Though there will be some changes, many things will stay the same and that should be of great comfort to them.

Plan out how you will tell the children and keep their feelings in mind. There are parents who pull nightmare scenarios on kids. For instance, when a child finds out about the divorce after one of the parents has already moved out, or when a child is told without anyone available to console them. How the divorce is presented to the child often sets the tone for how present and available the parent will be as the divorce unfolds. Although a divorce is hard on everyone, being there for the child, responding to their needs and giving them love, support and perspective can help them cope and come through healthy and well-adjusted. The one silver lining in a divorce may be that it can deepen your relationship with your children. It’s important to let the child know that it isn’t there fault. Lots of children at any age blame themselves for the breakup of their parent’s marriage. Moreover, this message may need to be reinforced from time to time.

Another significant message to send is that just because you and your ex’s marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean the child’s future relationships are doomed. Show them through love, support, nurturing and caring how loved they are. Build a supportive home life and your child’s future love life won’t be tainted by the breakup of their parents. Some parents take particular care breaking the news. But then they think that once the child is informed that they can move on. In fact, children do better when parents have follow up conversations with them about the divorce and how they are doing. Sometimes the parent’s own guilt, confusion, anger, pain and loss can preoccupy them.  Children’s pain mainly comes from feeling abandoned and having their emotions minimized.

Parents can counteract this by being there for them, being open, asking the child how they are feeling and working through those feelings with them. Each child will respond to the trauma of a divorce in their own unique way. Parents have to learn how to support the children in their response. Certainly not all of the problems with the marriage or the impending divorce should be shared with the child. But neither should they be cast aside, as if the divorce has nothing to do with them. It affects their lives. So they must be let in, in an appropriate manner. Listen to your children. Let them know that you understand and that you care. One of the best things you can do is let them know that you get them. You understand how they are feeling and empathize. You understand why they reacted how they did and why they are acting the way they are. You “get them.” There is nothing more comforting than to be fully understood. Then let them know that you will always be there for them and will always love them. Nothing is going to change that. To learn more read the book, Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect…What You Can Do by Marsha Temlock.

Signs your Child is Coping Well with the Divorce

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Signs your Child is Coping Well with the Divorce

Divorce is not only difficult for parents, it’s hard for children too. A recent study out of the U.K. however found that children growing up in single and step-parent families were just as well-adjusted as those growing up in dual parent households. Your child can come out the other end happy, healthy, well-adjusted and secure. You as their parent however have to mitigate the situation as best you can. Make sure they are protected. See that they can come to you and talk about the divorce, ask questions and air any concerns. Shield the children from the anxiety caused by divorce conflict between you and your ex-spouse. Make sure all of your decisions are with the children’s welfare in mind. If you and your ex-spouse have done these things, your child should get through the transition and be okay on the other side. You’ll have to watch them carefully however to make sure they make the leap and land on the other side without any serious problems. Here are some signs your child is coping well with the divorce. First, note your child’s behavior. Do they act as they usually do? Do they talk the same, look the same and go through their normal schedule without any outbursts or hiccups? If so this is a very good sign. Children of any age can endure powerful emotions during divorce such as anxiety, guilt, hurt, anger and more. But if your child interacts and behaves normally they are adjusting well.

When you spend time with your child, do they smile, laugh, and act in a positive manner? Some kids withdraw into themselves. Others act out. They can be spiteful, angry, even belligerent. But if your child is happy and wants to be with you and spend time with you, this is a positive indicator that they are doing alright. Your child may want to ask a whole bunch of questions surrounding the divorce. Be open and honest with them. Yet, share the information you are going to extend with their age in mind, a simpler version for younger children and you can add more details for children who want to know, because they are older. Make sure you are open and even ask them to ask you questions. You don’t want them bottling their feelings up inside where they will fester and cause more problems. You want them out in the open so you can both deal with them. If they feel comfortable asking you questions, feel good about it. It means they are doing okay and grappling with the situation as they should, in a psychologically healthy way. Don’t force them to open up. Just be there for them and encourage them. A gentle asking or prodding would suffice. They may come around later and ask questions after they’ve finished processing the information they already have. Some kids withhold information or a story from one parent or another. But healthy, well-adjusted children aren’t afraid of sharing their stories and experiences with both parents. Let them know you want them to maintain a healthy relationship with both their parents and never guilt or shame them for enjoying their time with their other parent.

Talk to the counselors at school and your child’s teacher or teachers. How are their grades? What is their behavior like? Have they been acting out? If your child has had signs of aggression it may be time to consider counseling. But if they have been maintaining their grades, spending time with friends, behaving properly and taking part in extracurricular activities, they are adjusting well. How does your child treat others? Are they sympathetic to the problems of others? Do they show compassion or empathy? A sign a child might be in distress is if they’ve lost their compassion for others somewhere along the line. This is a good time to check in with school counselors. Does the child talk about exciting things that will happen in the future such as summer vacation, theirs or a friend’s birthday party, an upcoming trip and so on? Children get excited about events happening in the near future, and this enthusiasm illustrates a positive outlook about the world.  But those who have lost their enthusiasm are having trouble emotionally and should be listened to, to find out what the specific problem is, how they interpret things and what can be done to make things right or better. If a child is affectionate and takes and gives hugs and kisses, or gives words of encouragement, this child has adjusted fine. Look for the aid of a professional if your child needs some assistance. With the proper care even a child who has difficulty can be redirected and will soon enjoy a happy, healthy, well-adjusted life. For more on this topic pick up a copy of, The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert Emery.