Why You Aren’t Finding Anyone You Have Chemistry With

Dating wasn’t any level of hell in Dante’s Inferno. But it can sure feel like one sometimes. We generally think it’s a natural process. It’s all about chemistry. You meet someone. You like them. They like you and boom! The magic happens. Cue music. Except it doesn’t always work that way. Not in real life. Sometimes you date someone and they drop off the face of the planet, right when things were just getting interesting. What was it a fear of commitment? Did they meet someone else or get back with their ex? Or else they owed money to the mob. There isn’t much you can do at this point, except pick yourself up and keep going. Then there is for some a worse situation, a kind of dating purgatory. This is when you meet people all the time. You date and date and don’t have chemistry with any of them. What do you do? Some say chemistry is over-rated. It is compatibility you are looking for. Chemistry fades as soon as the “honeymoon phase” has worn off. Then if compatibility isn’t there, there are few things to keep the couple together. Others think you should hold out for someone who knocks you off your feet. So what is the best way forward if you aren’t finding chemistry with anyone you are dating?

You shouldn’t spend a significant amount of time with someone just because you want someone there. But if you have been on a significant number of dates or spent time with lots of would-be suitors and have no feelings at all toward any of them, consider where you are. What is your selection process like? Are you being too picky? Sometimes we want everything in a mate and refuse to settle. But we forget that each of us is a human being. We all have our faults. Consider giving it a rest for now. Focus on yourself. Then come back at it fresh. But begin looking at your dating life from another point of view. Some people are very goal oriented. But one’s love life rarely fits into the plans we’ve made for it. Usually, we say we want something specific and someone comes along and mucks it all up. There are those who have started to realize that their choices in past lovers may have not been the best. Chemistry can sometimes push us toward those who are not healthy for us. It is best to resist it then. But don’t think you will be stuck in limbo forever. Your system only has to be reconnoitered. Just be patient and wait for someone who gives you that “wow” factor and is also good for you.

There are those who find that nerves get in the way. It is often those people who are very reserved. Others are shy and introverted and take time to get used to others. Chemistry cannot be formed when one is experiencing high anxiety, or when one’s date is. Spend a little time with the person who is nice but whom you aren’t sure about. If you or they are nervous or seem to be, spend time in a setting that is comfortable for the uncomfortable person, on their home turf. If you just aren’t sure about them and nervousness doesn’t factor in, try and see them from a different vantage point. A new context or different environment can bring out other sides of a person, ones you may be more attracted to or less so. Take them out with friends, bring them along on a hike or do some volunteer work together. Realize that compatibility with a little bit of chemistry makes for a better long-term relationship than the other way around. You can do novel things together to turn that spark into an inferno. But compatibility on the other hand is an either have it or you don’t scenario. Realize that a love life just doesn’t work the way other aspects of our life like family, friends, or our career does. Those things are relatively straightforward. But a vibrant love life takes patience, confidence, and a great attitude and the ability to start over, to come out the other side unscathed and smiling. Just be yourself. Be happy, open, curious, and practice nonjudgment towards others. Sooner or later someone you fancy will be knocking on your heart’s door. For more on better ways to travail the often bitter landscape of the human heart readThe Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want by Talane Miedaner.

Signs you are falling in Love

closeness

Signs you are falling in Love

You’re getting those feelings again. Butterflies in the stomach. Goose bumps. A buoyant, prickly feeling when a certain someone is around. You have the hots for them, that’s for sure. But how do you know when it’s love, lust or just infatuation? Here are some surefire signs you are falling in love. Are you always thinking about them? Clear your mind and then think of the word love. Do you picture their face as soon as the word comes to mind? If so, your psyche has already decided for you. It happens instantly. You have no control.

What happens when you hear that person’s voice? Pay careful attention the next time you hear their voice. When you first recognize it’s them, do you smile? If you can’t help but smile cupid may have punctured your heart with his arrow. Do you two experience the what-seems-like-forever goodbye? When you just can’t seem to go, and keep looking back even as you are leaving, you are definitely smitten with this person. Do you two take part in long bouts of playful teasing? Lovers love to tease one another. It’s oh-so-much fun you never want it to end. How frequently are you talking? If you just want to spend every waking moment with the person, and no matter how much time you spend with them, it never seems like enough, you are head-over-heels in love.

Some people feel awkward around a new love interest but can’t pinpoint the cause. You want to be with this person and yet when they are around, you close up. You feel shy even if you aren’t normally that way. Your heart can start racing and you feel scared. You are just being overwhelmed by your emotions for a moment, it will pass. Some people fall in love this strongly, some don’t. Lots of people when they go ga-ga for someone read their emails and texts over and over again, relishing every word. They make grand gestures, make a scene or just act not themselves around the object of their affection. Sometimes you change and everyone notices the change in behavior but you.

Sometimes when two lovers meet a heat and an energy is exchanged between them. Locking eyes, exchanging smiles and sighs inhabit the empty spaces of their conversations. You can tell when you are in love when the world seems brighter and more alive. You kiss and hug everyone, including your lover, with more spunk and passion. You are more patient, caring and understanding of others. You miss them when they are gone and it hurts deep. When you find someone irresistible it is because you are in love. Now that you know, it’s time to find out if they really love you back. To learn more about this phenomenon read, The Art of Falling in Love by Joe Beam.

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

social-circle

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

Your social circle is your social network. But generally speaking these are the people you see all the time at school, work or in your circle of friends. Some people say you should never date within your social circle. The reason, if things go south you’re going to endure at the very least a little awkwardness around each other. At worst, a relationship torn apart takes the circle of friends with it. New circles form out of the wreckage. But often things are never the same. At work there can be consequences to your career. In either case one should tread lightly, keep things casual and consider the ramifications before moving ahead. There also can be a lot of benefits should things work out. It’s likely you share common interests. You know people in common and you already know something about the other person, giving you insight into how they operate and what they might be like should you enter into a relationship with them.

Sometimes someone within your immediate circle isn’t such a good idea, unless there is a strong mutual attraction. You don’t want to just practice within your immediate circle. You need to feel confident. If the other person is too afraid of the consequences, you need the gift of gab to persuade them and a devil-may-care attitude, just in case you get rejected. When you are trying to attract someone in your immediate circle, you kind of have to be “on” a little bit more. For a woman this may be showing more interest, and subtly playing with him to keep him interested and elicit the chase. For a man this could mean working the room, being the center of attention and being active in trying to impress her. It can be a little nerve wracking when all you want to do is kick back with your friends. Sometimes chemistry and fate just make it happen all by itself and you get sucked in like a tornado. At those times, it’s pointless to fight it, unless the person has some sort of serious issue. Otherwise, enjoy the ride.

To make it work, you need to convince this person that it won’t ruin the friendship or your working relationship. Be sure that your friends or colleagues are endorsing you in front of this person, not embarrassing you.  In fact, see if you can recruit your friends to help you. You can even have a “spy,” a go–between who is getting the inside scoop of what your love interest thinks. They can also lead the person toward giving you a chance. Don’t make the hard sell. Instead, focus on mission creep. Slowly get them used to the idea. If you don’t want to be put in the friend zone, never to escape, turn up a little sexual tension. A touch of the arm or shoulder, leaning in while talking, a well-placed smile, mirroring or making the same move as they do, sitting close and other body language techniques can help. For women body pressing, the borrowing of a jacket and cuddling to stay warm are often simple, sweet ways to get a little closer. Don’t go for the hard press, go light. If you get labeled as a player or heart breaker, show them specifically that you care about them. Do a little gesture that shows you know who they are and you’ve been listening when they talk. Slow but steady wins the race. Just slowly turn up the head. But don’t get frozen in inaction or friend zoned you will be. For more advice that is sure to change your dating life read, Make the Move: Love, Sex, and Dating Advice by Greg Figueroa and Emily Feliciano.

Are On-Again Off-Again Relationships Unhealthy?

Couple sitting together on park bench

Are On-Again Off-Again Relationships Unhealthy?

We all know the boy-meets-girl plot structure of classic romantic movies. Some of us yearn for such easy, movie plot love lives where everything is all sewn up by the end, and happily ever after means no more problems to wade through. Instead, the path to love is often obstacle filled and rock strewn. And two people who love each other may be kept apart by circumstances. Those who barely tolerate one another may be thrust together. Then there are situations that are even more confusing.  Should you be looking for a relationship or just open to different possibilities? And when you find someone who doesn’t quite fit the bill should you stay with them? There are lots of people who get stuck on the roller coaster ride of on-again, off-again relationships. This is where a couple breaks up, reunites, breaks up again and the cycle continues. They have chemistry and a rapport with the person. Yet, something about the relationship just isn’t right. But are these relationships as unhealthy as many claim? First, understand that this situation is very common. One study found that 60% of the population experiences such a relationship at least once in their romantic life.

The reasons most people initially break up is out of boredom, stagnation, the desire to be with someone else or just general dissatisfaction. Oftentimes, communication is not clear. These couples don’t get a clean break. Instead, things are left open and unresolved. Then they reconcile. This can also be for many different reasons such as thinking your ex is “the one,” missing the comfort and companionship of the relationship and still having feelings for one’s ex. Then the list of annoyances, doubts or disappointments pile up until one or both parties can’t take it anymore. The emotional ups and downs, the uncertainty and more equate to a toxic situation. Not only is it bad for the relationship but also for each person’s own wellbeing. These types of relationships can be exciting for some. But they also increase stress, put you in psychological distress and decrease your overall quality of life.

Each relationship’s story is as unique as the people that inhabit it.  For some, a break can be a time of reflection, self-discovery and even growth. This may have one or both partners come back to the relationship reaffirming their love and carrying with them the tools to make things work this time around. Unfortunately, most of these kinds of relationships are the same story played over and over again. The same problems keep arising and the couple cannot find ways to overcome or negotiate them. For those in this kind of relationship, experts suggest negotiating a slow drawback. Over time extricate yourself from the situation. Sometimes one person cares about the other, but their partner cannot or does not fulfill all of their needs. The partner leaves them wanting. It can be hard to decide what to do. A good cost-benefit analysis might help. For those who are at the end of their rope, research shows that each person should sit down for a serious talk. Each should communicate their needs, and then evaluate if they can meet the other person’s. Then a temporary breakup period should be enforced. During this time, each person can lead their separate lives. Then they can get a better look at the relationship from afar and decide what is really best for them, and whether or not things will actually be different this time around. For more advice read, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not – The Emotional Dangers of an Off Again/On Again Relationship by M. Osterhoudt.

Don’t Overlook a Male friend as a Potential Partner

friends

Don’t Overlook a Male friend as a Potential Partner

Do you have a friend who’s a guy but has all the potential of being a great romantic partner? He’s good looking, intelligent, passionate and fun. Lots of ladies are too quick to push a male friend into the friend zone, or disregard them if they haven’t made a move within a certain amount of time. But there are great relationships and even love stories where the couple started out friends. Of course, approaching a male friend for a date can be way awkward. If it backfires not only will he feel uncomfortable around you, if you hang out in a group, it could throw the group dynamic off too. Don’t overlook a male friend as a potential romantic partner, but approach the situation carefully as well.

Here’s some advice on how to figure out whether he’d be interested in taking things to the next level or only remaining friends. The first thing to do is evaluate how often he calls or texts. Are you guys communicating on a regular basis? Is it every day, in the morning or often before bed? If so, he’s probably into you. If they ever have a flirty tone, however slightly, he definitely likes you but is hiding his feelings, or subtly feeling out the situation, since he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. Does he remember significant dates in your life like your birthday, the day you graduated, got divorced and so on? He’s way into you.

What do you guys talk about? Do you discuss deep, important things? If you talk about hopes, dreams, your past relationships, childhood memories and so on, he is emotionally invested in you which is a good sign that he may be interested above and beyond friendship. Check to see if he discusses these things with other friends, particularly with other female friends without him finding out, if you can. Have you met his parents? If he talks about you to his parents, siblings, other friends and so on, you are on his mind. And people don’t discuss friends at length like this, so it’s another sign that he may have feelings for you. What about tension? Do you two stare into each other’s eyes, pause awkwardly, or try and be near each other whenever you can? Check his eye contact.

Do either of you break the touch barrier with touches on the arm, unusually long hugs, or standing in each other’s personal space? If so, there is definite chemistry there, beyond the realm of friendship. When you two have long talks, does he tell you how much he appreciates having you in his life? Does he say you make him a better person? Red warning lights of love should be flashing in your head if this is the case. Does he get rid of any girls he dates you don’t like? If so, he is totally into you. Why not give him a nudge and see if things develop? If you are a teen just entering the dating scene and want more advice read, The Truth about Dating, Love, & Just Being Friends by Chad Eastham.