Denying Marriage until they pay down their Debt


Denying Marriage until they pay down their Debt

Due to the Great Recession, people are being more careful about marriage and are cohabitating longer. They know how expensive divorce can be, not to mention how draining. But there’s another phenomenon too. Some people are denying their lovers their hand in marriage until they pay down their debt. The credit score is almighty today, allowing access to homes, cars and businesses, or denying access depending on how that person handles money. One spouse’s debt affects both of their credit. With lots of plans for the future, no one wants to get tied down or lassoed with the debt of another.

Do they have poor spending habits? If you are worried that they will talk you into a joint credit card account and max it out, ask them about their buying habits and be careful. Notice whether or not they go on extravagant shopping sprees they can’t afford. Who are they going to stick the bill to? If they can’t afford it and you two are married, you’ll feel forced to contribute, not only in the emotional sense but to save your joint credit.

There is another underlying factor here. If a person isn’t responsible with money, can they be trusted with other things? Are they only irresponsible in the financial sense or in other ways too? And will these other ways damage the other person or the relationship as a whole? Conscientiousness is one of those great qualities in a lover and a spouse that is often overlooked. But someone who went the distance working hard in their career, whether they were knocked down by the economy is another matter.

Someone who can pay bills on time, save, live somewhat frugally, someone who doesn’t spend frivolously but knows the value of money may know, appreciate and respect the other good and worthwhile things in life, namely you. So their spendthrift, responsible or reckless ways they spend money could speak to deeper parts of their psyche, parts you are going to have to deal with should you decide to get involved in a long term relationship, even a marriage with this person. Marriage is forever. If they are serious and really love you perhaps they’ll change their poor financial planning. If not, let them go. Love may be fleeting, but your credit score lasts forever. For more advice read, How to Debt-Proof your Marriage by Mary Hunt.

All About Nabbing a Designer

Enjoying every moment at work

All About Nabbing a Designer

So you are interested in dating a designer. There are definitely some things you could pick up that would help you in your mission. But before you jump headfirst into the designer pool, inherently filled with coffee and deadlines, think about what it all means and how it might affect your life. Here is all about nabbing a designer. First, you may think this is an advantage, that your place will look fabulous. That’s fine, if you are going to allow them to make all the design decisions. Otherwise, it may lead to some fights. And how will you win? You’re not a designer. You don’t know anything about the rules of aesthetics, tungsten lighting and pantones.  You may want a more eclectic style that they wouldn’t be caught dead with.

Lots of patience will be in order, especially if you are used to dating someone who doesn’t care, or are used to getting your way on these things. When showing documents to them, realize what they do for a living. They may tear apart that report or cover letter you took hours creating. But if you let them help it will make you look amazing. They’ll also laugh at your outdated and outlandish software and confuse you with terms such as kerning.

Realize that designers don’t keep regular hours. Sometimes it will feel like they are always there, at other times they are sneaking in after you’ve gone to bed, as not to wake you. Any reputable designer won’t cut corners just to get home quicker, nor should you want that. It is the career they’ve chosen. They should be the best they can be, and if you love them you should support them.  Your designer will get excited about new fonts and will talk for hours about Adobe while your eyes glaze over. You are essentially living with a very talented visual arts nerd. It helps if you are a bit of a geek as well.

Designers think they know everything. Getting them a present is a nightmare and they never seem impressed. Your designer will secretly chuckle when you still have a mouse that has a wire, or if you use only one computer screen, because a pro uses two. If you decide to tie the knot, your wedding invitations will knock people off their feet. There are lots of advantages too. You will get great gifts. Designers are conscientious, detail-oriented, creative, and know how to get things done. Your aesthetic and other parts of your life will improve. Just know what you are getting into. Tell them Helvetica is cool, you’ll score major points. If you’re looking to impress them with a gift try buying them a book such as, 100 Things Every Designer Needs to Know about People by Susan M. Weinschenk, Ph.D.

Things Change once you hit your Thirties


Things Change once you hit your Thirties

The teen years and college are really young, fun, carefree good times. You kind of expect those times to last. But after college and especially once you hit your thirties, things change. For one there seems to be a black hole between college and the present moment. You think, “What happened to the last two, three, five years?” But you still feel young. And your bank account doesn’t look much better today than it did back then. “People” and by that we mean your parents start to wonder why you are still single. They verbally express that wonder out loud, embarrassingly. And this phenomenon surprisingly affects men and women, though women far more often. You don’t have to be married at any particular time. The elevated divorce rate alone, not to mention how hard it is to carve a place out for yourself in the world nowadays, is enough of an explanation. Lots of people are overwhelmed about dating and relationships in their thirties. Married people have a fear of missing out due to the single’s explosion via internet dating. Singles fear being alone forever.

Lots of people today in their thirties are so busy, they can’t see straight. Many don’t have time for dating, dealing mostly with the demands of a career. Some have kids which is even doubly time consuming, though more than worth it to see their cherub, smiling faces and those beautiful laughs. Still, finding time to squeeze dating in can be difficult. Lots of people in their thirties, if not married, are taking part in the hookup culture like those purported with the millennial generation. Others are cohabitating forever, fearing a messy and maniacal divorce such as their parents had in droves in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Those who are single and childless in their thirties will open up Facebook occasionally and think to themselves “Is this nothing but baby pictures?”

Sometimes folks in their third decade of life will try and replicate a time, an outfit, a style or a stance from a previous decade in their life, say the late teens or their twenties. This will not be pulled off, in fact it will just be at the tip of inappropriate. Instead, adopt something that’s young but a little more adult. No one is really forever 21. In fact, why not embrace the whole new, adult you? There are so many things better in your thirties than they were back then. Sex is definitely better. Most people know themselves and how things work much better and have gotten rid of their anxieties and awkward feelings. If you are single, there is a stock of great catches out there to be had like never before. And if you are in a long-term relationship, you are probably reaching the point of true intimacy, one of love’s and life’s greatest gifts. For more advice read, 30 and Single: Your Guide to Living a Fulfilled Life While Waiting by Crystal Hall.

Study Reveals who’s More Romantic, College Guys or Girls


Study Reveals who’s More Romantic, College Guys or Girls

Whether it’s that beautiful romance or the fun of playing the field, college for most people is one of the most exciting and pivotal times in their dating life. Noting the importance of this time in one’s life, researchers decided to answer the question of who’s more romantic, college guys or girls, and the study reveals some interesting results. Undergraduate men were far more likely to choose a romantic relationship over education and career goals according to the study. These results threaten to turn traditional notions of gender roles on their head. But not so fast. One question, however, is how a romantic relationship is defined. Are they talking about true love, marriage and children or merely a chance to get under the sheets with someone who’s caught his eye?

Duke University’s Medical Center’s Catherine Mosher and the University of Albany’s Sharon Danoff-Burg conducted surveys on undergraduate university students. 80 male students and 157 female students participated, ranging in age from 16 to 25. Reaching goals in different relationships such as family, friends, romantic relationships, marriage and children were measured by the questions in the survey. Goals outlined were financial success, physical fitness, travel, owning a home, career and education success and societal contributions. How much they were willing to sacrifice for romance was also measured.

The results were that both genders felt the need to achieve goals individually but also in their romantic relationships. 51% of female students chose romance over personal goals, compared to 61% of male students. “Charming companions” were more easily traded for travel, educational and career goals. The number of female students choosing a relationship over their career goals came out to 20% compared to 35% of male students. 15% of female students would jettison their education goals for love while 30% of male students said they would do the same. In an interview with LiveScience Mosher said, “I think that those are the issues in which people find tension often in real life, between having a career and making time for relationships.” But how romance was defined wasn’t clear. Were guys really into relationships or were they more than likely letting biology do the thinking for them? According to Kruger, “Maybe for the men they’re thinking close romantic relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily mean long-term commitment of getting married and having children.”

In terms of evolution and traditionally men strived for high status in order to have access to a higher or wider pool perhaps of potential mates. Kruger says, “So in a way it’s kind of like saying, you’re doing all this stuff to strive for something, but if you can get that ‘thing’ without additional striving, wouldn’t you?” Women on the other hand had been so focused on their career and educational goals that they didn’t want any relationship to come in and mess up their plans. Heterosexual men also get more emotional support from the opposite sex. For more on how to balance career and romantic goals pick up a copy of, Married to the Job! How to Balance Your Relationship and Career in the 21st Century (Love Lockdown Series) by Steve Cain.

Harsh but True Reasons not to Have Kids


Harsh but True Reasons not to Have Kids

Everyone knows all the good reasons to have children. From carrying on the family name, to bringing a completely new life into the world, to seeing the most beautiful parts of your partner and you developing in a new human being, it can be a pretty incredible experience. Lots of people get caught up in these lofty ideas however and ignore the harsh reality, the sad but true reasons many people chose not to have kids. One reason is that they are so expensive. You can go broke trying to pay for a child. One study found that having a child in America in the end costs the same as a new home. If you and your sweetie are barely squeaking out a living consider the cost before having a baby.

A psychological reason is that you will likely cause some sort of trauma to the child, like it or not, that you and they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. No one is perfect. And in fact the harder you try to be the perfect parent the more overbearing you’ll be, and the more likely to hurt your child. In this, a lot of children grow up to resent their parents. So you put all of your time, money and energy into someone who grows up to resent you? How is that even close to fair?

If you are planning to have a prosperous career or follow your passion, your energy won’t be on your kids. Likewise if you are too career minded your kids will suffer. It’s hard to have complete focus and energy on something. But when your energy is so separated than you can’t throw everything you have into something and see the most success. Another problem, you won’t have any privacy anymore, at least until they move out. And the way this economy is going that can be decades later. Everything will have to be planned around your kids. Your life as you know it will cease to exist. You can’t exactly have a life of your own anymore.

Your kid will act poorly at some point, even the best behaved. It will reflect poorly on you. Yet you will still be required to love your child. Certainly it’s important to evaluate your desire, maturity level, and the desire and the maturity level of your partner, and even your financial and living situation before deciding to have children. You have to be ready to give your everything to them. Your first concern has to be them, or else they won’t turn out right and everything will come crashing down. Certainly there are no perfect parents. If it’s the right path for you, you just have to try your best. For more advice read, Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance by Ellen L. Walker, Ph.D.