Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Leave-Negativity

Free yourself from Post-Divorce Negativity

Few events in life can fill you with so many negative emotions such as sadness, a sense of loss, despair, depression, anxiety and hatred like a bitter divorce. Even conscious uncoupling can be deeply unsettling. The first thing to realize is that it is all inside your own head. You may feel a torrent of emotions. But you decide exactly what to do with them, how to manage them and ultimately whether you come out a stronger, more developed, self-actualized person at the end who has experienced a kind of personal growth from this experience, or if you miss that chance due to retaining bitterness. If you are hurling all of this hatred and anger at your spouse, you’ll soon realize it’s like swallowing poison to murder someone; it hurts you terribly, but the impact on them is limited. Instead, an outlook of yourself both as patient and doctor is sufficient. You have these emotions and now it’s time to see how to best tend to them so that you get the best outcome. Your spouse as well may be casting vitriol at you every chance they get. You can’t control what happened or how they feel. Nor can you control their behavior. What you can control is your reaction to it, and how much you will let it bother you. There are some simple beliefs you can adopt to help shed your negativity and also protect yourself against your ex’s. Here’s how to free yourself from post-divorce negativity.

Realize that whatever your spouse says about you is their problem, not yours. Be sure to clear your name. And if they are using the children to spy or as a weapon, make sure to nip that situation in the bud. The children should never be put in the middle. They will suffer for it. But other than that, they will say what they will. You choose how you react to it. Their speech is all about them, not about you. What’s more, other people will be watching how you react. Will you be classy all the way, or sink to their level? In the end others judge them for their behavior, and they’ll sink themselves. Instead of seeing divorce as an end, which it invariably is, see it as a new beginning. You have freedom to be who you want to be, and discover a whole new you. Your life won’t be perfect after divorce, but it is still pretty good and it can be even be better. Make a dream board. Write in a diary. Make a bucket list. Go back to school. Get some more training or try and climb the ladder at work. Invest in a hobby. Take a trip with a friend. There are so many things you can do and so many directions you can take your life in now that your ex isn’t weighing you down. There will be good days and bad. If you need to cry it out, do it. It’s a healing process and think of it as such. But don’t wallow in grief. Know when it’s time to pick yourself up and get going again.

Realize that every experience you have in life is another lesson that makes you wiser and therefore a better person in the end. It may not feel like it now but this could be a completely transformative experience for you. Not everything in life is meant to endure. Change can be very scary and it can be hard to say goodbye. Just keep things moving. Make the necessary steps, no matter how small or staggering. Sooner or later you will make it to where you are supposed to be. Sometimes it feels satisfying to take part in divorce drama with your ex. But sooner or later you will understand that it weighs you down far more than it lifts you up. After a divorce you may feel like damaged goods. But the truth is people are judging you far less than you think. Understand that your life and your happiness is ultimately based on your own thinking and no one elses. You can make the world a better place and you can make your life all you want it to be. It’s all up to you. For more, pick up a copy of the book, The Rediscovery of Me: Reinventing Life after Divorce by Dr. Marcia Brevard Wynn and Earl Sewell.

How to be Single and Love it

Friends drinking coffee

How to be Single and Love it

Some people love being single, others can’t stand it, but most of us are in-between. The truth is that being single makes you more independent, content and forces you to develop yourself, solve your own problems and seek happiness from within, qualities that make you an excellent catch. If you aren’t comfortable in your own skin, how are you ready to be with someone else? The first thing you have to do is get rid of all the negative voices that inhibit your love of being single. Society, family and others often send out the message that you have to be coupled up to be happy. But that’s changing; 40% of American households are headed by singles nowadays. You are in good company. Put your family at arm’s length. Read articles like this one about being single and loving it, and avoid all those that only talk about relationships. Spend time reconnecting with single friends, or making new single friends to go out with. If all your friends are coupled up it can weigh you down. Although on a girl’s or guy’s night out, who doesn’t want a taken wingman? But coupled friends don’t want to spend all night at the single’s bar. So it pays to have single friends you can dish with, complain to and go out with.

Next, make sure people know that you love flying solo. Look back on your relationships and realize that you’re much happier being single and well-adjusted than in a relationship and miserable. Reconnect with yourself. Take up a hobby you always wanted to try. Travel. Start a business. Go back to school. Reinvest in yourself. Do something that scares the crap out of you and conquer your fears. Renew relationships with old friends, and even old flames. See this as a time to suck the marrow from life’s bones. Start journaling. Make a dream board. Write a bucket list of the things you want to do with your time on earth and outline plans, benchmarks and ways to reach those goals. If you feel down about being single one day, get a pen and some paper and jot down five things you love about being single. Lastly, don’t wallow in singlehood, celebrate it. Every situation has a good and bad side. Find the good one’s of your single life and accentuate them. Find things that you couldn’t do if you were attached that really speak to you and start fulfilling that list. Develop yourself. Work on the relationship with numero uno. And when you are ready, the right one will appear to you and you will know what to do effortlessly. For more advice, read Single Is Not A Curse by Tony Gaskins Jr.

Breakup Recovery 101

GETTING-OVER-EX

Breakup Recovery 101

Everyone goes through heartbreak from time to time. It’s natural to have a difficult time, at least in the beginning. Of course we all know you’ll get through it, you just need some time to grieve. But don’t get stuck wallowing in self-pity. After a few weeks or a month or so it’s time to pick yourself up again and get out there to face the world. You need to recover your self-confidence. Some people are better at this than others. If you are particularly bad at breakups than breakup recovery 101 is for you. Here’s your chance to learn the absolute necessary things you need to do to heal that broken heart, pump up your self-esteem and have you feeling like a brand new you. Sometimes when we go through a breakup, we blame ourselves emotionally, even though we know rationally we aren’t to blame. To avoid this, find ways to boost your self-esteem and put the focus on improving yourself. Joining a gym, exploring your talents such as painting, writing or playing sports, meeting people or volunteering can all be ways to boost your self-confidence and get your mojo back.

Instead of looking at a breakup as an end, try to see it as a new beginning. You have a new lease on life. Don’t waste it. Instead, write a bucket list and cross things out as you go through it. This will not only increase your self-esteem but it will make you more interesting, getting you more dates. Don’t seek to erase your ex from your life completely. You can’t erase that time in your life. Of course you can unfriend them from Facebook and so on. But sooner or later you will have to come back to your thoughts and feelings about them, and come to terms with them. Avoid doing anything rash, let the matter lie and focus on yourself. Why not get a new haircut, a new outfit or a new look? You’ll feel better and look better. If you feel like a new you and are ready to get back out there and start dating again, then you’ve aced breakup recovery 101. For more advice, read Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over a Breakup and Your Ex in Record Time! by Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal.

Feel Good about Being Single

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TV, social media, your family and many other places can make you feel bad about flying solo. You’re fed awful advice from a variety of sources and just have to sit there and take it, or risk being called rude. Your social media feeds may be filled with happy, smiling and smooching couples. But those self-same couples never post about their blowout fights, infidelities or little secrets they keep from one another. You only see one side of the story. In light of this, there are lots of reasons to feel good about being single. First, you’re in good company. About half of Americans today of adult age are single. With so many divorced and single people, the good ones aren’t all taken, they are out there again, and they are looking for you. Realize that there are a lot of good things about being single. You’ve got that big bed all to yourself. You can do whatever you want and not have to worry about someone else’s concerns or disapproval. There aren’t any fights hanging over your head, or problems to deal with when you get home from work at night. You can spend or save without considering someone else’s finances. Shopping sprees or savings accounts are all up to you. Money is the biggest topic couples fight about, but that won’t touch you.

Being single is a time to reconnect with yourself. Find out where you are and who you want to be. Make plans, write your own bucket list or make a dream board. Where is it you want to be in 10 years? Ask yourself and answer. Reconnect with your past, friends, family, a mentor or a passion or hobby you dropped and always meant to get back to. Once you figured out who you are, what you want from life and how you are going to get there, it’s time to find someone who also fits into your vision. Those who stay together share the same values, passions and vision for the future. So your date will have to fit into your vision and visa-versa. But don’t give up your entire self to be with someone. However, if you do find the right person, be a little bit flexible too. Decide if you are looking for a long term relationship, just dating, friends with benefits or perhaps just some occasional company. Come to understand yourself and love yourself deeply. Chances are someone will recognize this and find and love the real you. Appreciate what you have in your life. Find yourself pivoting toward a more positive and energetic outlook. The aura you’ll be projecting, your energy, lightheartedness, passion and enthusiasm will make you the best you that you can be, and will surely draw in the type of people you want to meet. For more advice on this topic, read Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent by Judy Ford.

How to Cope After a Divorce

Woman Doing Yoga

Divorce can be one of the most painful experiences of your life. It can dredge up all kinds of negative emotions. Whether you wanted it to happen or not, whether you saw it coming or were completely shocked by what has been dubbed “sudden divorce syndrome” coping after a divorce is something everyone who goes through it deals with on some level. But the good news is there are things you can do to help safeguard you through this trying time, help you to heal and make a much more resilient, capable and wiser person once you’ve moved on. Here’s how to cope after a divorce. Your first move should be to change your focus. Most people perceive divorce in the wrong light. They focus on how bad they are feeling or how much they hate their ex. But actually you should focus on it as if it were a loss. We grieve for the future that might have been. Now our lives have been disrupted and we find ourselves in uncharted waters. One of the scariest things to human beings is the unknown. It may be one reason why so many people suffer in unhappy relationships rather than leaving. But most people once they’ve moved on and healed found it was a good decision. Just allow yourself to go through the steps of grief, recognizing them and giving yourself chances to let those feelings out in order to heal. Soon you will be in a state of remission and feeling good and positive again.

Don’t wallow in misery though. Some people don’t know when to let go. Allow yourself to feel different feelings. Sometimes we compound our problems by fighting against how we actually feel instead of merely recognizing it and being okay with it. Your feelings may be strong but they will surely decrease over time. Give yourself some slack. Some people take great pains to engineer a composed façade. But no one is really superman or superwoman. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal. You can keep it together at work. But don’t be afraid to let it all out with family and friends. Journaling often helps. Some people like to write lists of their new dreams, their bucket list if you will and what they will now do with their life. Reach out to the important people in your life. You’re not alone so you don’t have to go it alone. Given the chance they would love to be there for you. You’ve always been there for them. So why not give them that chance? If you feel you need help outside of your normal circle, go and get it. There are support groups in every city and town across the country. Just search online. Understand what you need and give it to yourself. If that need is a day at the spa or just a few minutes alone to yourself, find a way to make it happen.

Nurture yourself. You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a little calming or soothing practice each day to make all of that anxiety and stress just melt away. It could be a yoga class, transcendental meditation, reading a good book, listening to music, a massage or a warm bath. Whatever makes you really relax and re-centers you. Give yourself a new routine and stick to it. We don’t like to admit it but we are creatures of habit after all and routines make us feel safe. Give yourself a little break and some time to recalibrate. If you can take a day at the beach, a night on the town or a Sunday afternoon movie, go and do it. Don’t use food, alcohol or drugs to cope with divorce stress. That will put you in an even bigger mess. Instead, seek out the help of a licensed mental health professional. There are lots in your area. Make sure it’s someone who has experience helping people cope with issues related to divorce. Look into interests that you’ve always wanted to explore but never have before, or couldn’t because your ex wasn’t interested or didn’t want to. This time is for you and your reemergence. You are flowering, going through a personal Renaissance and this trying out and finding out about yourself and pursuing new interests is all about reclaiming the new you. For more advice on coping with divorce, read Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti.