An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.
It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.
Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.
Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.
It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.
Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.
Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.
If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.
It was Seinfeld in an episode called “The Voice” where Jerry outlines a particular dating phenomenon we’ve seen many times, “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over…” What he’s talking about is the breakup cycle, where a couple makes up and breaks up many times, driving themselves and all the people around them crazy. Sure there are great benefits both people get out of this relationship. But there’s a certain issue or set of issues getting in the way of them finding love without static. If it’s at the beginning of a relationship, it usually means someone is testing things out with you, and perhaps with someone else too. Maybe he or she wants to know who is better for them.
If you believe that there is someone else in their life, why not find someone else too? It will give you another option should this relationship not work out. And it makes that other person take notice. Nothing makes a lover take notice more than when another contender is in the mix. All of a sudden your stock on the love market has shot up. Besides, do you really want to be with someone who’s not really into you? That depends where you are in life. If you’re just dating around and seeing what you like, it’s perfectly valid. But if you are on a desperate quest for “the one,” not so much.
The truth is that for long term relationships that hit a wall, and cycle through conflicts with no end, it can be draining, and emotionally painful for both parties. The couple splits up, and each person descends on their own corner. Instead of baring their souls and communicating they sit apart and throw up walls. Instead of cooperating they compete. Instead of hugging they are at each other’s throats. Sometimes the enemy is not our significant other, it is ourselves. It’s what we bring to the relationship. Take a time out. A break to help clear the air and give you some breathing room, some time to think. How do these conflicts arise? Who causes them? What role do you play? Look at it honestly. Talk to other people who know your relationship and see what they say.
Next, reengage your significant other. Don’t use blame or shame. Instead use “I” statements. Talk about how it makes you feel when these things happen. See if you can set some rules. Find ways to counteract negative behaviors. Consider seeing a couple’s counselor. Read self-help guides. Talk to friends. Have fun with your significant other. Do something daring together. Make plans and do them. Feel renewed. Find new ways to have fun in the bedroom. If they are unwilling or unable to help renew the relationship, end it, grieve and move on. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. For more insight read, Should You Break Up? 21 Questions You Should Ask Yourself If You Can Truly Be Happy In Your Relationship Or If You Should Break Up by Glenda Burney.
Are you bad at breakups? If you conduct them over the phone, text or email, or just distance yourself from someone until they get the message, you aren’t showing the proper respect. And it will come back to bite you. Don’t curse your fate, thank Karma. It’s important to break up right. For one, you may block yourself out of a future opportunity you didn’t even see coming. Ever date someone and distance yourself from them only to run into them sometime later and wish you had done things differently? Perhaps you weren’t ready for them at the time, emotionally. But when you bump into them again, even if you two were great together, there’s virtually no chance at rekindling the romance. Even if you aren’t romantically inclined, you could also be losing a lot of friends. And a friend of the opposite sex is always a good one to have, especially an ex, particularly if you are trying to evaluate your own or someone else’s behavior in a relationship. In fact, you can learn a lot about yourself from investigating your romantic past and seeing what patterns pop up and why they do so. But you can’t do that if you don’t break up right.
Breaking up wrong can hurt future relationships, too. If you live in a small town, run around in the same social circles, or are in a network where everyone talks, sooner or later you will get a bad reputation. If you don’t break up with someone well others hear about it and it can ruin your chances at better job and romantic prospects since you don’t seem reliable. When you sit down and explain yourself to someone, even if it’s uncomfortable for you, it gives them closure. And the results are often nowhere near as bad as we picture it in our heads. Sometimes when you explain to a soon-to-be ex that you two are better off as friends, it turns into exactly that. And who couldn’t use more friends? If you do run into an old flame, apologize. Tell them that you’ve grown up. If there is someone whom you had your eye on before, show them you’ve changed. Get them to give you a chance. Learning to break up with someone in the right way is part of becoming a mature adult. And those communication skills will not only serve to make your love life better and your social life more vibrant, those communication skills, and the grit necessary to deliver a message you know the other party doesn’t want to hear, are the very things that will sustain you in a long term, mature relationship when you are ready for it. For more advice on this topic, read How to End a Relationship: How to Break Up without Regret, Stay Positive and Feel Liberated! by Cyrus Thomson.
It’s a known fact that breaking up with someone is one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever have to make. Most of the time, we still have feelings for the person we decide to be break up with, so of course we don’t look forward to telling them the bad news or seeing their reaction to it. People who have experienced being broken up with will sometimes say that they didn’t see it coming because their partner didn’t express anything to indicate wanting out of the relationship.
Communicating bad news is never easy and all of us want to be in states of constant happiness, so it makes sense that we tend to avoid revealing bad news to people. Not only do we know that it will likely bring about negative feelings in the person we tell, but we also feel badly ourselves for having to share the information. It’s a dreaded cycle of despair, but something that is sometimes necessary in order to move forward in our lives.
We might know in our hearts or in our guts that a relationship needs to end, that it’s not working anymore, but we still take a long time to actually end it in order to avoid the unpleasantness that a breakup brings. If we can openly communicate that we’re unhappy with a relationship at its onset, it will come as much less of a surprise when we decide to break off the relationship with someone.
Here are some tips for communicating bad news or a breakup:
Speak up right away and don’t wait for the problem to “resolve itself”.
Be prepared and think through the conversation before you have it.
Be clear from the beginning of the conversation what the purpose of your discussion is.
Be certain about what you’re going to say and use transparent language to avoid confusion.
Stay focused on your intention and don’t stray from it.
Practice compassion – understand the other person’s perspective.
Don’t escalate the problem, but don’t minimize it either.
Listen more than you speak and refrain from becoming defensive.
Don’t be aggressive, but don’t try to smooth things over.
Try not to make false assumptions.
Don’t bring up too many issues within the same conversation.
When you think breaking up with someone or even divorcing someone is the right thing to do, speaking up and being open with your partner is the best thing you can do, and the sooner you do it, the more quickly the both of you can heal. Communicating this way is the more difficult thing to do, but both of you deserve to live your lives fully, and being in a relationship that you know is wrong (for whatever reason) is depriving both of you from living truly fulfilling lives.