Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Human sexuality was not a topic broached in America for most of its history. It wasn’t until the Kinsey Report in the 1950’s that we started talking about sex. This is also when we started to learn how wide and varied a spectrum human sexuality actually is. Sex is important in a relationship, and an integral part of human life. It helps couples stay connected. When a couple is not having sex, it usually speaks to some unresolved issue brewing underneath the surface. So if you used to have good sex together, but it somewhere fell apart, it is important that both of you sit down and work it out together, without any blame, guilt, or shame. Just try to find out where you went off the rails, and what you can do to get back on again. For those who believe that they are not sexually compatible from the start, or that once the honeymoon phase wore off, things fell apart, take a look at what the problem is. Each person should be able to explain to each other calmly and rationally why it is not working. Couples can have all sorts of sexual issues that put strain on their relationship. But many of these can be worked out, so that the couple can enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.

One common problem is the frequency of sex. Oftentimes, one person has a stronger libido than the other. This libidinal differential can be overcome in many ways. One is the one person who is less interested clear away presumptions and see if they can get in the mood. What turns this person on? Is it a certain kind of talk or atmosphere? Try and build that atmosphere and incorporate those aspects that they like, and see if they can get turned on. But if it does not work, perhaps some other accommodation can be made. No one should be forced to have sex against their will. Everyone has the right to sovereignty over their own body. That said, there may be other ways to please the libidinous lover in a way that is mutually acceptable such as digital stimulation, oral sex, body contact, watching while they masturbate and engaging in dirty talk, and more. A total lack of libido is often a symptom of a deeper psychological issue such as depression, or a physical one, such as a side effect of a certain medication. The appropriate person should get checked out if this is the case.

Another problem could be competing roles. Usually in the bedroom one person likes to be dominant, the other submissive. There are a scant few who are known as “switches” who can go equally both ways. But what do you do if you both want to be dominant or submissive? Why not take turns? Remember that giving your lover the kind of sex they want is a gift. It speaks to your generosity as a lover. What’s more, being able to grow beyond our comfort zone or normal mode of operation from time to time helps us to test our boundaries, and ultimately grow as a person. If it is a specific sex act your partner does not want to engage in, like oral sex, consider how important it is to you. Can you really not live without it? Most couples take it out of their performance and move on to things they are mutually interested in. But if you cannot live without it, you may have to talk about other arrangements, or just find a new partner. Another difference that can come up are “comfort creatures” who know what they like and want to stick with it, versus “thrill seekers” who get bored with repetition, and desire novelty in the bedroom. How do you negotiate this situation? The best thing to do is to each of you explain what your fantasies are, and find places where you can compromise. Another option is to negotiate. “I will do (blank) for you if you do (blank) for me.” Find ways to have both novelty and safety, like role playing and wearing different costumes. It is still you, but it isn’t. That way you both get what you want.

To learn more read, Marriage and Sex Box Set: Best Prescriptions on Keeping the Flame Ablaze and Maintaining a Happy Bond (Relationship Advice & Marriage Help) by Sheila Butler and Cassandra Levy.

 

What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

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What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

Are you in a toxic relationship? Sometimes it dawns on you all-of-a-sudden. At other times, you slowly come to realize that something is very wrong. If you aren’t sure, here are some signs. Is there a lack of respect in your relationship? Do you avoid one another and loathe the time you spend together? Does the atmosphere fill with negative energy whenever you are in the same room? Does the idea of spending time with your spouse or partner fill you with dread? Is there a lot of contempt and insults flying like knives whenever you are in a room together? If any of these sound familiar, then the relationship is toxic. Sometimes things get way off track, or something happened that the relationship is having difficulty recovering from, the death of a child perhaps or infidelity on the part of one or both partners. At other times, it’s the buildup of many unresolved problems that start to drive a wedge between the two. The more differences the further apart they are.

In a toxic relationship you can feel emotionally abused, neglected, manipulated, taken for granted, or deprived of a sex life. Your spouse or partner could have cleared out the joint account, disappeared for days on end or buffeted you with one juvenile remark after another. Whatever the situation, when you find yourself in a toxic relationship, where there is no way of resuscitating it and bringing it back to life, you have to find a way to extricate yourself as painlessly as possible, and that can be tricky. Though many relationships can be saved, in the case of one or both parties hurting each other repeatedly, a clean break is best. There are three easy steps that you can use to get out with as little discomfort as possible. First, have a clear understanding of why you want to leave. A charming lover can muddy the waters, confuse you, woo you back and make you forget, for a time, why exactly it was you were leaving. You need to have concrete examples you can hang onto when things get confusing. You can even make yourself a little slogan or mantra to remind yourself of why.

Make a clean break. Decide when you are moving out or when you are breaking up with them, do it and then close off all avenues of contact. You don’t want to get sucked back in again. Many feel vulnerable after a breakup. That means you may be more likely to be receptive to their charms. Also, seeing and hearing from them will keep those wounds fresh. You want to be given the chance to heal and move on. Unfriend them from your social media pages and erase them from your phone. It may seem drastic but it will also be effective. If you work with this person or see them regularly, keep distance. Be professional if not slightly cold and don’t slow down to chat when you see them in the hallway. Give them a polite nod, say hello and keep moving. Sooner or later they’ll get the message and will stop trying to get your attention. Feel your self-worth. It is when we feel bad about ourselves that we are the most vulnerable. When we feel good about ourselves, we usually won’t put up with foolishness. Don’t get sentimental about the relationship. Remember what they put you through and that you deserve better. For more advice read, Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People by Peace.

Getting your Way Too Sensitive Boyfriend to Break Up with you

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Getting your Way Too Sensitive Boyfriend to Break Up with you

Are you over a guy who is far too sensitive but you don’t know how to break it off? If he’s devastated by little annoyances, how will he feel when you tell him it’s over? You could just tear off the Band-Aid once and for all. But he may come crawling back, talk about how insensitive you are, refuse to accept that it’s over, even grovel and want you back. The following process should only be taken up if you have no other choice. It could backfire, leave you looking bad, or end up hurting them. It’s pretty extreme. A face-to-face direct breakup is always best. But if you’ve tried before and have always taken him back or you know that he won’t take it to heart and will keep badgering you, this method should do the trick.

You can begin by acting more selfishly. When he tells you how bad his day was, top it. Interrupt him when he has big news of something you need to tell him first. Make sure each conversation ends up revolving around you. Next, deprive him of the sympathy he’s looking for. Just say that whatever it is is a downer and move directly on.  Refuse to be a shoulder for him to cry on. When he does hug you don’t give him a hug back, just a cold tapping until he stops. Don’t talk about anything he is upset about, or let him draw you in.

When he says he loves you, don’t say it back. If he brings it up, avoid the subject. If he makes a big deal just say it under your breath, or unintelligibly. Get very annoyed, irritable and moody. Increase this more and more. Let him know you aren’t mad at him. In fact, you want more space to avoid snapping at him for no reason.  Don’t give him any affection. Accept it coldly and don’t reciprocate or initiate affection. When he tries to hold your hand, tell him you hurt it and pull it away. Don’t make conversation with him. When he initiates conversations just give him one word answers. Spend as much time away from him as you can. Delve into work or school. Be super busy. Then at night tell him you are exhausted from your tough day at work or school and need to go straight to bed. No time to talk, sorry. Soon, he’ll be ready to break up with you.

Just hear him out. If he talks about your cold and distant behavior, tell him you don’t have an explanation for it, it’s just how you feel. Don’t hug or do the one last kiss thing. Try to move on if you don’t want him creeping around. Either that, or make some time for yourself where he isn’t allowed to check in or sidle up to you. This is a really good method in getting your way too sensitive boyfriend to break up with you. It may take a little more time than you assume, depending upon how sensitive he is. But in the end, if a face-to-face breakup is out, it should prove effective. For more advice read, How to Break Up With Him: Expectations and Important Things to Consider by Amor Andruzzi.

Why we Date People who Aren’t Good for Us

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Why we Date People who Aren’t Good for Us

Have you ever been in a relationship you know in your head is wrong but you continue with anyway? Sometimes there are practical reasons like you can’t afford the rent on your own, you’ve bought property together, or just can’t see yourself living alone. But are these really the only reasons? Sometimes people don’t even have reasons like these. They just don’t know why they stay with someone who isn’t for them. So why do we date people who aren’t good for us? There may be some subconscious reasons you are not even aware of. Are you afraid of commitment? Do you happen to break up with someone or get divorced periodically, when just a few years or even months have gone by? These types usually couple with others who are scared of commitment, and just won’t say so. Then they blame each other, but never look at what baggage they themselves bring to the relationship. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Another reason may be unresolved childhood trauma. The person you select is from the archetype of your first caregivers, normally one’s parents. If you pick people who abuse you, treat you harshly or are just neglectful or emotionally unavailable, look to see if those who took care of you when you were young acted the same way towards you.

Do you generally focus only on the person’s good qualities and ignore the bad? Even the worst people can have moments when they are kind. But if they have a whole bunch of bad qualities and only a few good ones, your fixation is unrealistic. Instead, try to take a step back and look at the whole person. You could also be so caught up in what you felt in the beginning of the relationship that you are still living there and not noticing what is happening in the relationship now. Some people just don’t do well with reality. They’d rather live in denial. But that can only take you so far. And if your reality gets too out of touch with the real reality it could be embarrassing, and even have dangerous consequences. Have you been having a sexual relationship with this person and it’s turning bad or you’ve gotten emotionally attached when you shouldn’t have? Humans are biologically programmed to connect with those they have sex with. That doesn’t necessarily mean that this person is good or healthy for you. Sometimes a relationship is used to deflect a deeper issue in ourselves that we aren’t willing to deal with. Lastly, if you can’t admit you’ve made a mistake then you’d rather ignore the problem than actually face it. Dig and see what you can unearth to make your love life happy, healthy and satisfying.   For more on this topic, read Dating the Wrong Men: The Misadventurer’s Guide through Bad Relationship Choices by Kelly Rossi.

Top 10 ways to Break Up with the Least Damage

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Top 10 ways to Break Up with the Least Damage

Most of the time, even when we are in a bad relationship we agonize over whether or not we should break it off. Some worry if it is too soon. Others if perhaps their relationship can be renewed. But there are those who fear damaging permanently their lover psychologically. A good metaphor is that getting out of a relationship is like removing an adhesive bandage. Some people prefer to tear it off. Others remove it slowly inch by inch. Either way when you are finally ready to have that conversation most people want to do it in a way that is best for both parties, saying what needs to be said while treating the other person’s emotions, and perhaps your own as gingerly as possible. How to go about doing that often remains a mystery however. Here are the top 10 ways to break up with the least damage possible to that person, and yourself. The first thing is to know exactly what you want to say. You don’t need an entire speech memorized, though it may help. But just knowing some key points of why it isn’t working and how trying to work it out isn’t conceivable at this point will really help minimize the pain while getting the point across.

The second is to be honest. There is a teachable moment here and if there is a behavior or habit that is really getting in the way, this is the time where you might make an impact and even help someone turn their life around. However, you need to think through what you are saying. Tact is important. Most of the time, when breaking up whatever you say is going to reverberate in the person’s mind. So be sure to choose your words wisely, so as to get the point across without crushing them. Third, run through what you are going to say, even do it in front of a good friend who knows the two of you well and get some feedback. Fourth, make sure you pick a good, neutral spot for the breakup to take place. If you think that they are going to lose it but are the type generally to keep up appearances, perhaps a quiet, out-of-the-way but public place such as a coffee house is a good idea. Make sure it isn’t someplace special to them or you will ruin the memory for them. Fifth, keep your partner’s schedule in mind. Don’t interrupt their whole day, or blow an interview or presentation for them because you decided this needed to be done. Be considerate of their life before breaking up with them or you could impact their life far worse than you considered you would, or want to.

Six, don’t blame or point fingers. You will just be adding insult to injury at this point. But on the other hand, number seven, don’t take all of the blame either. Be upfront with what it was. Sugarcoating it will only pass the problem on to the other person. And if your former partner gets wind you are trying too hard to protect their feelings they’ll feel disrespected. Just be as honest as you can, but tactfully. Practice finding the right words to get through to them without being harsh. It’s a balancing act but it surely can be done. Eight, be empathetic. Understand where they are coming from and feel for them. Put yourself in his or her position so you know where they stand, why they act a certain way, how they may act and what you can do to minimize their grief and yet make sure they understand where things sit. Number nine don’t leave the door open to getting back together if you don’t mean it. Some people do this to save the other person’s feelings. But they end up hurting them worse as they give the person false hope, which compounds their grief when they find out it wasn’t true. They may even consider it a matter of being lied to. Number ten, remind them of a good time you once had, and revel in the nostalgia. Let them know that you’ll always think of them that way, attached to this and other fond memories. Giving breakup advice is easy. But living through a breakup, that’s something else.  For more insight on how to do it right pick up a copy of, Dump ‘Em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser by Jodyne L. Speyer and Julie Bossinge.