Signs you are falling in Love

closeness

Signs you are falling in Love

You’re getting those feelings again. Butterflies in the stomach. Goose bumps. A buoyant, prickly feeling when a certain someone is around. You have the hots for them, that’s for sure. But how do you know when it’s love, lust or just infatuation? Here are some surefire signs you are falling in love. Are you always thinking about them? Clear your mind and then think of the word love. Do you picture their face as soon as the word comes to mind? If so, your psyche has already decided for you. It happens instantly. You have no control.

What happens when you hear that person’s voice? Pay careful attention the next time you hear their voice. When you first recognize it’s them, do you smile? If you can’t help but smile cupid may have punctured your heart with his arrow. Do you two experience the what-seems-like-forever goodbye? When you just can’t seem to go, and keep looking back even as you are leaving, you are definitely smitten with this person. Do you two take part in long bouts of playful teasing? Lovers love to tease one another. It’s oh-so-much fun you never want it to end. How frequently are you talking? If you just want to spend every waking moment with the person, and no matter how much time you spend with them, it never seems like enough, you are head-over-heels in love.

Some people feel awkward around a new love interest but can’t pinpoint the cause. You want to be with this person and yet when they are around, you close up. You feel shy even if you aren’t normally that way. Your heart can start racing and you feel scared. You are just being overwhelmed by your emotions for a moment, it will pass. Some people fall in love this strongly, some don’t. Lots of people when they go ga-ga for someone read their emails and texts over and over again, relishing every word. They make grand gestures, make a scene or just act not themselves around the object of their affection. Sometimes you change and everyone notices the change in behavior but you.

Sometimes when two lovers meet a heat and an energy is exchanged between them. Locking eyes, exchanging smiles and sighs inhabit the empty spaces of their conversations. You can tell when you are in love when the world seems brighter and more alive. You kiss and hug everyone, including your lover, with more spunk and passion. You are more patient, caring and understanding of others. You miss them when they are gone and it hurts deep. When you find someone irresistible it is because you are in love. Now that you know, it’s time to find out if they really love you back. To learn more about this phenomenon read, The Art of Falling in Love by Joe Beam.

How Men Nonverbally Dominate

couple-sitting

How Men Nonverbally Dominate

A power dynamic is how power exists in a relationship. Does one partner have more power than the other? Does one have all the power? Or do they share power? Power dynamics shape love. They either allow a place for it to grow and develop or they choke it. The power dynamic that is the healthiest and aids relationships is when both partners share in the power equally. You can see a power dynamic at work by examining who interrupts the other, who talks over the other, who makes final decisions, who punishes, who generally wins fights and so on. Men and women utilize and respond to verbal and nonverbal cues in different ways.

Of course either sex can be domineering in a relationship. However, men are the ones who traditionally dominate heterosexual relationships. Men control women either consciously or subconsciously using certain verbal and nonverbal cues. For instance, personal space tends to be different in each sex. Men have a bubble of personal space around them. Others penetrate this to cause discomfort, get closer or create arousal. Women have smaller personal space bubbles. And men tend to invade a woman’s personal space more often in the hope of persuading or controlling her.

In terms of posture, men tend to use more open, expansive forms. Therefore they need more space. This taking up of space is deciphered as dominance. Women are more constricted because they tend to take up less space. If you notice how men and women cross their legs, it displays clearly this phenomenon. Men tend to cross their legs with one ankle on top of their knee or thigh, taking up lots of space. Women however cross their legs at the knee taking up far less space. Expansive positions communicate dominance. Constricted positions tell of submission. The latest research shows that incorporating more expansive body language increases one’s confidence and self-esteem. If you notice the mode of dress, a man’s dress portrays power, a woman’s submissiveness. Women have to cross their legs in skirts, ergo communicating submissiveness outright. Women also carry things in a handbag or purse, which also communicates submission while men carry things in their pockets.

Touch is another way men subconsciously dominate women. Research shows that men who aren’t romantically involved touch women more often as a way of dominating them. This is true of dominant personalities too. They tend to touch in order to dominate; someone that puts their hand on your arm to make sure you are paying attention to their point, for example. Men who care about taking part in a blissful, well-adjusted long term relationship should be aware of what nonverbal cues they are sending their female counterparts, and make sure not to dominate, but to allow her an equal share of the power. To learn more about dominance in relationships read, Intimacy and Power: The Dynamics of Personal Relationships in Modern Society by Derek Layder.

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

social-circle

Should you Date Inside your Social Circle?

Your social circle is your social network. But generally speaking these are the people you see all the time at school, work or in your circle of friends. Some people say you should never date within your social circle. The reason, if things go south you’re going to endure at the very least a little awkwardness around each other. At worst, a relationship torn apart takes the circle of friends with it. New circles form out of the wreckage. But often things are never the same. At work there can be consequences to your career. In either case one should tread lightly, keep things casual and consider the ramifications before moving ahead. There also can be a lot of benefits should things work out. It’s likely you share common interests. You know people in common and you already know something about the other person, giving you insight into how they operate and what they might be like should you enter into a relationship with them.

Sometimes someone within your immediate circle isn’t such a good idea, unless there is a strong mutual attraction. You don’t want to just practice within your immediate circle. You need to feel confident. If the other person is too afraid of the consequences, you need the gift of gab to persuade them and a devil-may-care attitude, just in case you get rejected. When you are trying to attract someone in your immediate circle, you kind of have to be “on” a little bit more. For a woman this may be showing more interest, and subtly playing with him to keep him interested and elicit the chase. For a man this could mean working the room, being the center of attention and being active in trying to impress her. It can be a little nerve wracking when all you want to do is kick back with your friends. Sometimes chemistry and fate just make it happen all by itself and you get sucked in like a tornado. At those times, it’s pointless to fight it, unless the person has some sort of serious issue. Otherwise, enjoy the ride.

To make it work, you need to convince this person that it won’t ruin the friendship or your working relationship. Be sure that your friends or colleagues are endorsing you in front of this person, not embarrassing you.  In fact, see if you can recruit your friends to help you. You can even have a “spy,” a go–between who is getting the inside scoop of what your love interest thinks. They can also lead the person toward giving you a chance. Don’t make the hard sell. Instead, focus on mission creep. Slowly get them used to the idea. If you don’t want to be put in the friend zone, never to escape, turn up a little sexual tension. A touch of the arm or shoulder, leaning in while talking, a well-placed smile, mirroring or making the same move as they do, sitting close and other body language techniques can help. For women body pressing, the borrowing of a jacket and cuddling to stay warm are often simple, sweet ways to get a little closer. Don’t go for the hard press, go light. If you get labeled as a player or heart breaker, show them specifically that you care about them. Do a little gesture that shows you know who they are and you’ve been listening when they talk. Slow but steady wins the race. Just slowly turn up the head. But don’t get frozen in inaction or friend zoned you will be. For more advice that is sure to change your dating life read, Make the Move: Love, Sex, and Dating Advice by Greg Figueroa and Emily Feliciano.

How to keep your Love Interest Interested

interested

How to keep your Love Interest Interested

In today’s electronically interconnected world where almost every single milestone, anecdote, musing or irritation is put out for the entire world to see, it can feel like no one reserves any mysteries anymore. We all serve ourselves up daily to the giant, unblinking eye of the internet. But with dating, developing an air of mystery is essential. A lot of us like being an open book. Though this can initially put someone who is interested at ease, it can quickly become boring. Some of us are givers and people pleasers. But if we continue to give all our power away, if we make ourselves too transparent or if we fail to weave the magic spell properly we soon find lovers dropping off. Our interest pulls away. For many today we don’t even get to the dating stage. We text or message back and forth but nothing tangible ever emerges. The fact is some people seek a challenge, albeit a well-crafted one. Also, giving your lover everything they want upfront without asking anything in return, without any enticement or unfinished questions takes the fun out of the subtle, provocative dance that is human courtship. The problem is you have to play hard to get, but not too hard. You have to advertise your worth without pricing them out of your market. Here’s how to keep your love interest interested without driving them off.

Think of a date as a performance. The other person should always be left wanting more. Sometimes in our anxiety we want to in a confessionary manner divulge everything about us and get it all out of the way. But it’s important to have a bit more confidence and reserve portions of ourselves, doling it all out slowly. Look at it as a story. You want yours to slowly unravel in a delicious way. Leave them with a cliffhanger here and there. When scheduling a meetup, don’t be too available or accommodating or else you are giving all your power away. Some people change their entire schedule to accommodate someone else. Others need an entourage as if they were Hollywood celebrities. But this can also be a barrier. How can you really get to know each other with so many other people in the way? Don’t purposely obstruct an unfolding romance either. Be available perhaps one or two nights out of the week. Whatever arrangements are being made, the other person should meet you halfway. There needs to be balance. If getting together with you is way too difficult then they may give up. On dates many feel the need to prove themselves. But take a deep breath, step back and realize too that they should also have to prove themselves to you.

If you have a flare for the dramatic, surprise them. Don’t be too predictable. Everyone has inner mysteries that they love to explore, interests they pursue and curiosities that fascinate them. Find out what yours are and slowly introduce these secret mysteries to your love interest. Don’t pressure them. If you ask them where things are going after the third date, or levy some sort of ultimatum you will look desperate, apply too much pressure and end up alone. But if you’ve successfully weaved your spell, you’ll have them enchanted and ready to follow you anywhere. Sometimes we focus totally on ourselves. Step back and consider their situation. Did this person just get out of a serious relationship? Beware of being the rebound. If you are made to compete with someone, drop your love interest immediately. This person does not have your best interest at heart. Instead, they are on an ego trip and playing senseless games. Where could the relationship go if they are willing to play with your heart in such a manner? If your potential date is still in a relationship with someone else, walk away. Otherwise, you can just be friends. Don’t ever sacrifice your friends, family or your children to accommodate them. This person is selfish, egotistical and self-centered. Playing hard to get means enjoying each step of the human love ritual in all its rich complexity and splendor. But make sure you are coming across as interested. If you are cold and reserved the entire time, they may not know. Subtly is the key. You want to send slow, subtle signals such as eye contact, a brush of the arm, for guys opening the door and leading her in gently by the small of the back, leaning in when the other talks and so on. Just be sure to send out signals that, although you are interested, you have a life too. For the ladies who want to know more pick up a copy of, How to Keep a Man: What Every Woman Needs to Know to Keep Him Interested and Happy for Life by Niel Schreiber.

Sorting out Mixed Signals with Science

mixed

Sorting out Mixed Signals with Science

Mixed signals can be unbearable. But they don’t have to be or at least, not for long. Some people are good at reading others. Then there are those who are completely hopeless. Most of us lie somewhere in-between. But whether you’ve got top rate interpersonal skills, or find the opposite sex is a mystifying enigma, everyone sooner or later runs into someone they can’t read. Is she playing hard to get? Is he interested and not showing it, or just being aloof? Usually we can tell with someone’s proximity. If they enter your personal space, that’s good. If they touch your arm, the back of your hand, your back or shoulder when talking, or when you first meet, this too is a good sign. Eye contact and leaning in when you talk are good signals too. When you are leaving the person you are trying to read, wait a few seconds and look back after departing. Often if they look back too, they’re interested. Even then, perception does play a role, as may our gender. A new study gives us insight into how each sex perceives mixed signals. This one studied straight people only. Generally, men overestimate a woman’s interest. A woman however will underestimate a man’s. Moreover, while men think female friendliness equates to sexual attraction, women believe men’s passes are mere attempts at being friendly.

Researchers at the Norwegian University of Science recruited 127 men and 181 women between the ages of 18 and 30 to take part. Each participant answered a questionnaire surrounding misunderstanding in the person’s level of interest when interacting with the opposite sex. Respondents were asked how many times such occurrences happened to them within the last year. Questions included, “Have you ever been friendly to someone of the opposite sex only to discover that he [she] had misperceived your friendliness as a sexual come-on?”, “Have you ever been in a situation with a member of the opposite sex in which you were sexually attracted to him [her] but he [she] assumed you were just trying to be nice?” and “Have you ever been in a situation with a member of the opposite sex in which you were just trying to be nice but he [she] assumed you were sexually attracted to him [her]?” Researchers found that women were sending out “let’s be friends” signals, and receiving “oh-baby” in return, while men were sending out the “lookin’ good sugar” and getting back “let’s be friends.” So what should you do if you are getting mixed signals?

First, act like a memory detective. Think back to all the time you spent together. Consider their behavior, no act is insignificant, no gesture no matter how subtle should be overlooked. Have they shown you any special interest, waited for you or done something just a little above and beyond what normal people do? Then they are interested in you. If it’s someone you have been sort of dating, or made out with that went lukewarm, don’t invest so much time in that relationship. This goes for men and women. They are either having fun playing the field or they just aren’t that into you. Lots of people get caught up in a kind of wishy-washy, do-they don’t-they limbo that’s excruciating. Though there are those who like to gnaw their knuckles pondering the possibilities for hours on end, for who knows why. For most of us, if things are going on for too long it’s best to either state your intentions or fade on out. Don’t be someone’s sometime thing if you are looking for something serious. If you’re not, just enjoy the adventure. Protect yourself and your heart, and let the journey lead you to its end. You’ll know it when you get there, and you’ll know when someone really likes you by how they treat you. For more on the near Vulcan approach to love pick up a copy of, The Science of Relationships: Answers to Your Questions about Dating, Marriage, and Family by Gary Lewandowski and Timothy Loving.