Do Men Avoid Dating Successful Women?

SUCCESS-WOMAN

Do Men Avoid Dating Successful Women?

For the first time in American history, women are surpassing men in bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Single, professional women are one of the fastest growing demographics in the country. Though they still do not make what a man does for the same job in many places, in some urban areas professional women’s salaries are outpacing men. What’s more, over half of all households will see a female breadwinner by 2025. That is amazing progress in a very short period of time, though the feminist movement has its roots a long way back in American history. Some women however say their success in the scholarly and economic realms is having negative consequences on their dating life. There are professional women who say the men they date are intimidated. They either pull away or blow them off due to a discomfort with the woman’s success. Perhaps these men find it emasculating, it is thought. Lots of these women’s girlfriends today console them by saying so, at least. There is even a school of thought that says a woman should dumb herself down in a man’s presence in order to make him feel comfortable and allow the relationship room to grow. But is it true? Do men avoid dating successful women?

Sure there is a segment in the male domain that pine for the 1950s. They believe in traditional values and are put off by women who are independent. But is this the majority of men? Certainly not. Nor is it right to generalize, which in addition to being inaccurate is in a way sexist since it paints all men as antiquated, chauvinists. There are lots of men who appreciate the success, knowledge, skills and other aspects of an accomplished woman. They also want a partner to share interesting times and conversations with, someone with many facets and dimensions, just as women do.  In fact, there are a lot of men who brag about the accomplishments of their wives and girlfriends. There is too a growing segment of stay-at-home dads and lots who enjoy it. So what’s really going on here? Their selection process could be an issue. What kind of men is this person seeking? What qualities do they all hold in common? Are they chauvinists, traditional or perhaps they fear commitment? The woman herself may also be subconsciously sabotaging her chances at love due to some deep-seeded trauma. Another aspect, it might be the woman’s personality itself. Pushiness, vanity, decisiveness, being opinionated and other aggressive behaviors propel some forward in their career. But on the dating scene these qualities are a huge turnoff.

In terms of selection process, lots of women say they want a man who is just as accomplished or more. But then are they selecting someone who is also decisive, aggressive and opinionated? When two people share such personalities the relationship quickly becomes an arena of locking horns rather than a relaxing atmosphere where love and romance can flourish. Only selecting this type, a person who fits a checklist of certain career accomplishments also shows underlying issues. This person worries of what others think or has a need to project their value. One’s relationship can be seen as a reflection of one’s self. But why don’t they explore other sides of their personality? We don’t have to date someone we view as a colleague. Looking for someone to love is not the same as a job interview. So someone who is opinionated may enjoy hanging out with someone who is open-minded, shy, artistic and free spirited. This may nourish other aspects that are suppressed in their normal, workaday environment. A professional woman may be interested in someone who is accomplished but in a totally different field or way. Lastly, sometimes this attitude that no men are good is an armor to protect from the fear that they themselves are at fault, or doing something wrong. Each person brings problems into a relationship, big and small. No one is perfect. We are all human. But it is in examining our mistakes and our own flaws that we can grow and develop and become better. There’s an old Buddhist saying; when the disciple is ready the master will appear. When the heart is ready, love will be there. For more savvy ways to navigate your love life read, Love Smart: Find the One You Want–Fix the One You Got by Dr. Phil McGraw.

ADHD Can Harm a Marriage

Young couple not communicating after an argument

ADHD Can Harm a Marriage

If your spouse is frightfully disorganized and extremely forgetful, they may have adult ADHD. About 4% of the U.S. population has this condition. Constantly being distracted, forgetfulness, seemingly ignoring one’s spouse, having an inability to carry through on promises are some of the more serious symptoms. ADHD can harm a marriage if left unmitigated. Before approaching your spouse with the prospect of seeing a mental health professional, and risking a fight, it may be wise to evaluate their behavior and see whether or not they exhibit the most common signs. First, there is chronic distraction. Marriage consultant Melissa Orlov, an expert on how ADHD affects couples, told the L.A. Times, “If you are trying to get your partner’s attention and they seem unable to give it to you, that’s a big indicator.” Does your spouse lack a certain self-regulation when it comes to their emotions? Gina Pera, author of, Is It You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.? said, “They might get really excited about something and their partner will say, ‘Wait, let’s look into the details. Is this really a good idea?’”

Household and other tasks can end in broken promises and hurt feelings. Orlov said, “You’ll say, ‘Honey, will you do X?’ and he’ll say, ‘Sure, no problem,’ and then X does not get done.” People with adult ADHD are a whirlwind. Nothing seems organized. Sufferers get easily overwhelmed, have trouble prioritizing tasks and often miss deadlines. This happens in the work sphere and throughout home life as well. It becomes an entirely different relationship than you first imagined. Pera explains, “The partner says, ‘You are lazy and selfish.’ The adult with ADHD says, ‘You’re controlling.’ Both become resentful.” Luckily, there are moves you can make to help preserve the relationship and mitigate the effects of ADHD. Realize that it is a condition, no one’s fault. Pera says you should, “Acknowledge both of you were working in the dark and both of you were being undermined by this force.” The next step is to look for resources and support in your area. A therapist who specifically understands and has experience with adult ADHD is critical in managing the disorder’s influence on your marriage. There are medications available that work wonders for some. Many become far less forgetful, can arrive places on time, keep promises and more.

One resource is Children and Adults with ADHD, or CHADD, a national advocacy group that should have a chapter in your area. Why not visit their website and see what psychiatrists they recommend in your area, what advice they have and so on? Read up on adult ADHD and get to know a lot about it. Write down specific instances where your spouse has exhibited these behaviors and cross reference them to what symptoms these sources say they are exhibiting. If you have facts on your side, and use loving kindness to break the news to them in a supportive way, they will be more open to seek treatment and the marriage will markedly improve. There are also easy things you can do that will work wonders. Simply keeping a schedule and writing things down in some sort of graphic organizer, say a calendar or on a corkboard, can work wonders. Orlov says focusing on yourself and not your partner is also important. “Contribute your own best self to your relationship,” she said. “You can start on that immediately.” Don’t dwell on the past. It will poison the marriage. Though you might have resentments, you still have to move forward. Orlov says, “It’s a lot more relevant than stomping around in the undiagnosed ADHD portion of your relationship.” But even though you want to get somewhere Orlov says, “You don’t have to meet a certain goal, but you have to try your hardest.” For more on this topic pick up a copy of, The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov.

Little Behaviors that Reinforce a Happy Relationship

HappyCouple

Little Behaviors that Reinforce a Happy Relationship

It can seem like a great and complex puzzle when trying to figure out what you and your partner can do to keep your relationship well-adjusted and content. Many times couples look for grand policy changes or an entire relationship makeover to become blissful and perpetually pleased. Oftentimes this isn’t the case. Generally, it’s the little things, little problems or behaviors that pile up like clutter in a closet. Soon the closet is full and no longer usable. It needs to be cleaned out. There are lots of little behaviors that reinforce a happy relationship, to help organize your relationship closet, keeping it sparkling, welcoming, pleasant, and clutter free.

Do you two often argue about what restaurant to go to? Where to eat out? What to do on a Saturday night? If you argue over this, or are tired of the methods you use to choose, try the 5-3-1 rule. The first spouse lists five restaurants that you both like. The second person eliminates three of the choices. The first partner then selects one. This is a fun and interesting way to make choices without fighting occurring. It also makes sure both parties are involved and no one feels drowned out by the other’s choices. Don’t overuse however. Instead, incorporate a variety of methods to make choices. Don’t take advantage or push your choice through. Your partner will resent it and will get revenge at the next juncture when it becomes time to choose again. Play fair and expect your spouse to do the same.

Sharing responsibilities is important. If one person prepares dinner the other should volunteer to clean up. Find ways to amiably share the household chores. Find what each person doesn’t mind doing. Make a list and write each person’s name next to their responsibility. What is left can be horse traded. Find nice, positive and respectful ways to voice your concern when your spouse hasn’t kept up with their chores. If you find yourself nagging, or they are, have a meeting and address it. Find more beneficial and positive ways to communicate. Make sure you aren’t around each other all the time. Respect boundaries. If your spouse wants to read in the bedroom alone, or go out with their friends, don’t be a sourpuss, encourage it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And if you are always around one another you may get on each other’s nerves and start to bicker.

Show how grateful you are for what your spouse does in the relationship. Thank them. Appreciate them, even if it’s a chore you decided was on their to-do list. Don’t correct one another or shoot each other down in public. Lastly, when one of you is wrong and wants to own up to it, don’t allow the other to rub it in or give an “I-told-you-so.” Why not use a “Fail dance.” This is when one person failed, and they do a silly dance for the other to apologize. It’s funny and fun and can make what could have been a fight or a negative moment into a positive one. For more advice read, Happy Habits for Every Couple: 21 Days to a Better Relationship by Roger and Kathi Lipp.

Is it Ever a good Idea to Date your Roommate?

phoneapp

Is it Ever a good Idea to Date your Roommate?

There are lots of living arrangements nowadays. Sometimes two platonic friends of the opposite sex end up cohabitating. At other times, such as when we’re in our late teens or early to mid-twenties, we share a place with perhaps several roommates. In certain places like New York City this is common. But if you and your roommate start making lovey eyes at each other from across the sofa, what do you do? Of course you have reservations, wondering how it’s going to affect the relationship and the dynamic in the household. So is it ever a good idea to date your roommate? Probably not.

The truth is that everything is situational. It’s all relative to the two people involved, or perhaps more if you have other roommates, how strong the pull is, and if you two have a real chance together. That said, the fact that you are roommates provides a more uphill battle. What happens if and when you break up? Someone is inevitably moving out. That could leave them stuck in a bad position. Sure you can daydream about a nice, smooth, static-free break up. But rarely do they happen. And can you imagine sharing a bathroom everyday with your ex?

Lots of people point out that there is this better understanding of a person when you observe their habits, how they operate and so on, and so you can see how they will be in a relationship. You may have even observed them with someone else and have a good idea how they act. You will also know their other habits, personal, bathroom and other, shortcomings and advantages. But there is a proper unfolding process to life. Generally, we are bonded together emotionally and neuro-chemically before we start to learn our significant other’s foibles. How does it affect the relationship when it occurs in the opposite order? When you date your roommate, the relationship seems weirdly accelerated. You’ll have to discuss boundaries. What’s to stop you from sliding right from the dating to the cohabitating phase? And what are you missing out on by skipping the steps in between? You could easily get on each other’s nerves all the time.

The thing about this relationship, too, is that you don’t get to choose how fast it becomes deep and intimate, because you are already there, living side by side. If you wanted to date someone else, how would you go about it? And wouldn’t it immediately feel like cheating, make you feel guilty even though you two haven’t discussed commitment yet? Dating your roommate is only a good idea if you think this person could be the one. See if you still feel the same, if the feeling has staying power, or if it’s just hormones and take it from there. For more perspective on the matter read, What Would Judy Say? A Grown-Up Guide to Living Together with Benefits by Judge Judy Sheindlin.

How You Subconsciously Maneuver into Controlling Relationships

Upset Woman

How You Subconsciously Maneuver into Controlling Relationships

If you feel like you have no control in your life but are always being controlled, feel overwhelmed by pressures, or that you are helpless because your power has been taken away, you could be creating a situation where you always export your sense of power and control to others. This generally isn’t a conscious move. If you feel a lack of power or control in your life, feel helpless but don’t know what to do, then this is probably you. The first issue is becoming aware of it. Once you have done that you can take steps to turn things around and take control of your life again.

HERE’S HOW YOU SUBCONSCIOUSLY MANEUVER INTO CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIPS:

First, you stop taking care of yourself in the right way. Whether you are smoking, shirking off exercise, over-eating or eating the wrong things, whatever the situation when you don’t take care of yourself you are sending an unconscious message for others to take care of you. The next sign is that you rail against the expectations or authority of others. Those with rebellious attitudes often are screaming at authorities to control them. They hate authority and at the same time they wish deep inside to be controlled by it. Those who wish to be controlled often don’t make the best choices in life. They fall apart at the last minute. They lack follow through. They flake out. They fail to complete the assignment and they telegraph their inability to handle things in the process.

Those who subconsciously want to be controlled may ask those in positions of authority question after question about a task or assignment. They may not even need help but feel inadequate, they are seeking attention and even friendship, or they want someone else to take over. Are you willing to take risks? Do you fear or loathe making mistakes? If you do, then you may be screaming for someone else to come in and take over. Are you a person who just can’t say no? If you constantly overextend yourself and can’t follow through, then this may be you. Do you feel as though you have no say in what’s happening around you? Do you feel as though your opinion doesn’t amount to much, if anything at all? The fact that you feel this way means you are ripe to be controlled because you yourself don’t value your own opinion.

Are you attracted to the controlling type? If your partners always seem to be persuasive, charismatic, strong, independent minded and even controlling and manipulative people, you have to consider that subconsciously you want to be controlled. Do you know your own feelings on what is going on in your life? If you can’t tell how you feel about things, or do things even though they make you feel uncomfortable, you may be practicing a type of self-sabotage that leaves you subconsciously exporting your power while consciously despising what is happening to you. For more on breaking free of negative patterns read, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg.