When Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Fetish

When Your Partner Isn’t Into Your Fetish

In the honeymoon stage sex is happens spontaneously and often. But when things move on it takes a little more effort to find novelty in the bedroom, or else things can grow stale. This is a good time to explore deeper fantasies together. Everyone has them, although in our culture we are often taught to suppress them. But it is psychologically healing to be able to reveal your inner self and have it be accepted by your partner. That said, many of us are living with the psycho-social residue of sex as being taboo. So it becomes difficult to open up to our partner about areas we would like to explore. In this case, couples can be a perfect match on all things, and yet be mismatched in terms of sexuality. Common difference include a frequency differential—one person has a strong sexual appetite than the other, and differing interests. For example, one person is kinkier than the other. Or one wants to be submissive while the other could never see themselves as dominant. In any case, a couple doesn’t have to break up just because you do not share the same sexual interests at the outset. Negotiation, open-mindedness, and an I-will-do-this-for-you if-you-do-this-for-me, mentality applies. Here is what to do if your partner is not into your fetish.

Your course of action depends upon whether or not your partner is aware of your fetish. Let’s say for instance you are a female who desires to be tied up and ravaged. But your husband grew up with an overbearing, feminist mother who instilled in him a deep and resounding respect for women, not a bad quality, but it could hamper your desires in this case. He may just need some introduction into what you are interested in. First, get in touch with every aspect of your fetish. You will need a deep understanding of it before you can truly communicate it to someone else. What is it that turns you on? Why do you think that is? Next, try subtle things like watching pornographic videos where this is portrayed, reading certain erotica together, bringing up interesting through pertinent anecdotes, or talking about little aspects that interest you or turn you on. It is important to slowly get your partner acclimated to the idea.

Now try moving things up a level. First, start with dirty talk. Get him to call you derogatory names, and give him what he wants in return, as a part of positive reinforcement. As things unfold, sometime in the near future during another session, ask him to tie you down while incorporating the aforementioned language. Now try role playing and have him in a very assertive role such as a dirty teacher, police officer, or soldier. Next, have some time alone together where you share your fantasies and elaborate farther. Make sure you state this is a realm free of judgment before discussing. Explain to him what turns you on about it. Be patient and be ready to explain in many different ways and on different occasions until he in this example, or she understands. What makes something repellent to us as a species is not understanding something. But once we get it, the weirdness comes out of it, and we are more willing to take part in it, and make our partner happy.

If it is something they already know about but are not interested in, do not give up. Let him or her get used to the idea. Start out slow. Discuss it on multiple occasions. But be sure that they get to talk about their interests too, and you do your best to fulfill their fantasies. Negotiate using the process of “How about instead of (whatever is objectionable) we do (something similar).” Workshop the entire process if it is a role play so your partner doesn’t get stuck. Always be sure to practice safe play. If he or she is still uninterested, leave the door open. If and when they agree to take part, always take baby steps letting them get acclimated, and each time getting a little closer to what you want.

Both of you need to understand that the bedroom sphere is completely different than the outside world. The rules in one do not apply to the other. Some of the things that really turn us on in the bedroom would be the same things we would fight against tooth and nail in the outside world. If your fetish is too far beyond the pale for your partner, even after long negotiations, and this is one of your needs, talk about what to do next. Are they okay with you interacting with another in this manner? Visiting a club or social group where this interest is held in common? Would they be okay with you seeing a provider to have these needs met? In closing, do not feel bad about your fetish. Understand that we all have our kinks. They are one thing that makes us human and ultimately, interesting. Most couples can talk through impasses, and in time learn to enjoy the other’s fetish, or at least making one another happy.

Want to know more about exploring the world of kink with your partner? Then read, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington.

If you get Bored of your Lover, Should you Dump Them?

UNHAPPY-COUPLE

If you get Bored of your Lover, Should you Dump Them?

Boredom in a long-term relationship comes on when novelty is over. Sometimes comfort can be well, comforting. But after a while your relationship can bore you utterly. And then what?! If you love someone and have exhausted all ways and manners of which to spice things up, if you crave novelty and they “just like the way things are” what can you do? If you get bored of your lover, should you dump them? Now it’s time to really sit down and evaluate the situation. There are really all kinds of changes that can bring about novelty. And have you truly exercised every avenue? Consider whether or not you truly love this person. Though you may need some change, making a radical move merely out of boredom might show you what you’ve lost. They say you only recognize what you’ve truly lost once it’s gone. You don’t want to be in that situation if you can help it.

Sometimes people say that they are bored with their relationship when they are really fed up. There are several unresolved conflicts brewing underneath the surface and they don’t know how to make headway on them. Their so-called boredom is frustration. The only way to deal with this situation is lock yourself and a lover in a room and don’t emerge until these problems are talked out. You don’t have to lock the door per se. If things get heated, you may need to de-escalate the situation, take a break, gather your thoughts and regroup. Still, only clear and honest communication and a plan of action can unstick this situation. In other cases, couples get stuck in a rut and they don’t know how to break out of it. Sometimes we are overwhelmed with our responsibilities. The couple may simply be stressed. A little down time, a date night, some time exploring hobbies on their own or more time with each other’s friends might be the answer. When a couple spends too much time together, they can often get bored of one another. But out of each other’s sight, and they each wonder what the other is doing, or can’t wait to share their own adventure later on with their boo.

The best way to reignite passion is to go to a place where both of you can play, use your imagination, accept one another without guilt or judgment and be free, loving and adventurous. For some that means having to get out of their comfort zone and try something new. For others, it means new antics in the bedroom. Sometimes circumstances change and we see our spouse or partner in a different way. The man she fell in love with used to be the center of attention at the office. But now he works from home, and she never sees him like that anymore. A solution may be to go out with friends, and allow him to work the room again. Really if you are both committed, you can communicate and work toward renewing your life together. Long-term relationships tend to have their ups and downs. If you run into an obstacle, how you work together to remove it says whether or not you will make it, or suffer the dust bin of history. But if your partner is in staunch refusal to change, if they won’t move one iota to please you, if they are dismissive and disrespectful, or if you have tried and tried and tried again with no result, and there’s no way you two can be happy together, don’t be afraid to sit down with them and be honest, and pursue brighter horizons. To learn more about aspects of the modern state of love and how to negotiate it read, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims by Aaron Ben-Ze’ev.

Talk about Sex before you Get Married

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Talk about Sex before you Get Married

Planning a wedding can be a whirlwind that scoops you up and carries you along. There are so many things to plan and do. But one of the most critical parts of a marriage, your sex life, is often swept aside. Yet, it plays a crucial role. Not only is your sex life important, but the intimacy that stems from it can fuel your relationship and keep it intact for the long haul. But a lack of intimacy can sap your marriage.  Most people expect their married sex life to be phenomenal throughout. Though married people often register higher numbers on sexual satisfaction surveys, the truth is one’s sex life ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Psychotherapist and sex specialist Vanessa Marin says that those couples who do talk about sex before they get married are more successful overall. It is important for any couple that wants decades upon decades of happy sex ahead of them to discuss it, and come to an understanding about the matter with their partner. Schedule a time to sit down together. It doesn’t have to be stuffy. You can set a romantic mood, get wine and light candles. Or you can just sit down on the couch together and start talking about sex. It’s really up to you, and what style you have as a couple.

The first thing to consider is to ask what your sexual strengths and weaknesses are. Talk about your favorite memories together. Share what the best sex you ever had was. What was it about that time? How did it make you feel? What about it made you feel that way? Ask what theirs was and why. What do you both really enjoy doing together or to one another? What really works for you? Over time, usually couples get better. They get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, and trust builds. Each person should ultimately feel free to open up and express their needs, wants and desires. This will build a great sex life together. It will help build your relationship, as it provides immense intimacy to be able to shed guilt or shame, open up, be understood and accepted, and ultimately be fulfilled by your partner. Ask yourselves how to make intimacy a priority. Marin writes in an article in Psychology Today that she always shares this with clients. They need to set aside time for intimacy. Those clients usually respond by saying, “we didn’t know we had to do that…” Having a fantastic married sex life requires a little bit of care and effort. Schedule date nights, get a sitter and get some special alone time together each week.

Talk about how you feel about the inevitable changes in your sex life throughout your marriage. Are you planning on having kids? You can’t imagine how that will change your time in the bedroom. Menopause and lots of other things will change it too. Discuss how you plan to keep the spark a towering inferno of passion throughout your life together. You don’t want things to get boring. Talk about interests and fantasies together. Marin suggests each person making a list using red, yellow and green lights. “Reds are the things you know you don’t want to try, yellow are the ones you’re unsure about, and greens are the things you feel perfectly comfortable with. Making these lists can be a fun way to keep the chemistry going,” she writes. Talk about what you will do if you ever have a fight about sex. Marin says it is inevitable. Do you have a communication strategy in place? Will you decide to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist if you have to? Know each other’s feelings on these sorts of things. Think about how each of you can nurture your individual sexualities. Lastly, talk about your honeymoon with your soon-to-be spouse. What are the expectations? What will you experiment with? Does the sex take precedence or other honeymoon activities? For more on how to have great sex with your now or soon-to-be spouse, pick up a copy of Marriage And Sex: Marriage Advice On Spicing Up Your Marriage And Marriage Tips About Sex For Married Couples by Suzie Holmes.

The Happiest Couple’s Secrets According to Science

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The Happiest Couple’s Secrets According to Science

Is your relationship as happy as it could be? Thanks to some recent breakthroughs in research we have some indicators of what the most sublime duos do to perpetuate their love locked bliss. So if you want to know how to bump up the contentment quotient in your relationship, read on to see what the happiest couple’s secrets are according to science.

First, research has shown that celebrating one person’s good news fortifies the relationship considerably. In one particular experiment couples who celebrated small benchmarks three times a day for a week increased their bliss and decreased depression in their relationships. According to another study a happy marriage or long term relationship is worth $105,000 per year in terms of satisfaction. Who knew? Joyful couples have been found to have five positive interactions per day to one negative one. This is being called the “happy couple ratio.” Those who divorced however had eight tenths of a happy interaction to one negative one. It seems that if you increase the positivity, your marriage or long term relationship gets happier. This may sound simple to some. But look at your own relationship. How often do you interact positively versus neutrally or negatively? Observe your own relationship for a few days and see what conclusions you have.

Some of the ways to increase positive interactions within your relationship could be paying your sweetie a compliment. Just a simple text saying “Hi handsome” or “How’s it going gorgeous” would suffice, though doing a little more when something noteworthy comes along would be even better. A small gesture or gift from time to time is a great way to show your appreciation and love. Another positive move, reminisce together, bring up great memories you both share. Lastly, do something nice for your partner like cooking them dinner, giving them a massage, doing a chore for them, or watching the kids to give them a break. The biggest influence that determined the quality of a relationship was found by a whopping 70% to be the quality of the friendship between partners. Part of that close friendship includes talking more and spending more time together, five hours per week more actually.

Couples who spent more time in the bedroom were happier too. Those who had sex two to three times per week were the happiest. In fact, 55% reported being happier when they had intercourse every few days. When congratulating your significant other for accomplishments large or small, research suggests asking questions, saying congrats, showing enthusiasm and reliving the experience along with them. For more advice read, The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal about Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., and James Witte, Ph.D.

Alleviating Marriage Boredom

relationship-difficulties

Alleviating Marriage Boredom

Lots of couples go through rough patches, ruts and what-have-you. Everyone is so busy nowadays, who has time to invest in a relationship? Most of the time we come home and all we want to do is eat, veg out on the couch for a little while and go to bed. But a marriage needs to be renewed with energy, vitality, interest, sexuality, amazing conversation, and even the sharing of food and ideas. Without these things a marriage is just flat. Alleviate marriage boredom by following these easy steps to reinvest in yourselves and make your marriage worthwhile.

First, work on yourself. Most people point the finger at their partner without realizing what issues they themselves bring to the table. Have a little time to reflect on what happens when you have arguments, what negative patterns there are, and how to counteract them. Then talk to your partner about it. Discuss the dynamics you’ve discovered and how you will neutralize them. You’ll be surprised but this very act may have them thinking about what they can do to improve themselves.

While you are getting in touch with yourself, get in touch with a sexual fantasy you want to try with your partner. And get in touch with your hopes, dreams and passions. If all you have or they have is the relationship that gets rather dull after a while. For heaven’s sake, what do you talk about over the breakfast table? But if you have a hobby or a dream to be fulfilled, invite your lover in and share that with them. Have one night a week where you invest in just the two of you. Turn off the TV that day and talk, have dessert, open a bottle of wine, look through old photo albums, act silly and have fun together. If you have the means go out. If not, find other ways to enjoy each other’s company.

Realize that relationships change and go through many phases. People’s wants and needs change over time. It’s important to stay in touch with your partner, who they are and how they are changing, and be okay with it, as they must come to accept who you are. If things aren’t the same, talk about it. Find ways to improve your life together. Encourage your significant other to chase their dreams and help them run after them. Expect them to do the same for you. Find something they’ve always wanted to try and do it with them. If absolutely none of these work for you, be sure to see a marriage counselor. But consider divorce the very last option. If you can reinvest in your marriage most times an awful lot will come back toward you. For advice on spicing things up in the bedroom read, Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch, Ph.D.