In the honeymoon stage sex is happens spontaneously and often. But when things move on it takes a little more effort to find novelty in the bedroom, or else things can grow stale. This is a good time to explore deeper fantasies together. Everyone has them, although in our culture we are often taught to suppress them. But it is psychologically healing to be able to reveal your inner self and have it be accepted by your partner. That said, many of us are living with the psycho-social residue of sex as being taboo. So it becomes difficult to open up to our partner about areas we would like to explore. In this case, couples can be a perfect match on all things, and yet be mismatched in terms of sexuality. Common difference include a frequency differential—one person has a strong sexual appetite than the other, and differing interests. For example, one person is kinkier than the other. Or one wants to be submissive while the other could never see themselves as dominant. In any case, a couple doesn’t have to break up just because you do not share the same sexual interests at the outset. Negotiation, open-mindedness, and an I-will-do-this-for-you if-you-do-this-for-me, mentality applies. Here is what to do if your partner is not into your fetish.
Your course of action depends upon whether or not your partner is aware of your fetish. Let’s say for instance you are a female who desires to be tied up and ravaged. But your husband grew up with an overbearing, feminist mother who instilled in him a deep and resounding respect for women, not a bad quality, but it could hamper your desires in this case. He may just need some introduction into what you are interested in. First, get in touch with every aspect of your fetish. You will need a deep understanding of it before you can truly communicate it to someone else. What is it that turns you on? Why do you think that is? Next, try subtle things like watching pornographic videos where this is portrayed, reading certain erotica together, bringing up interesting through pertinent anecdotes, or talking about little aspects that interest you or turn you on. It is important to slowly get your partner acclimated to the idea.
Now try moving things up a level. First, start with dirty talk. Get him to call you derogatory names, and give him what he wants in return, as a part of positive reinforcement. As things unfold, sometime in the near future during another session, ask him to tie you down while incorporating the aforementioned language. Now try role playing and have him in a very assertive role such as a dirty teacher, police officer, or soldier. Next, have some time alone together where you share your fantasies and elaborate farther. Make sure you state this is a realm free of judgment before discussing. Explain to him what turns you on about it. Be patient and be ready to explain in many different ways and on different occasions until he in this example, or she understands. What makes something repellent to us as a species is not understanding something. But once we get it, the weirdness comes out of it, and we are more willing to take part in it, and make our partner happy.
If it is something they already know about but are not interested in, do not give up. Let him or her get used to the idea. Start out slow. Discuss it on multiple occasions. But be sure that they get to talk about their interests too, and you do your best to fulfill their fantasies. Negotiate using the process of “How about instead of (whatever is objectionable) we do (something similar).” Workshop the entire process if it is a role play so your partner doesn’t get stuck. Always be sure to practice safe play. If he or she is still uninterested, leave the door open. If and when they agree to take part, always take baby steps letting them get acclimated, and each time getting a little closer to what you want.
Both of you need to understand that the bedroom sphere is completely different than the outside world. The rules in one do not apply to the other. Some of the things that really turn us on in the bedroom would be the same things we would fight against tooth and nail in the outside world. If your fetish is too far beyond the pale for your partner, even after long negotiations, and this is one of your needs, talk about what to do next. Are they okay with you interacting with another in this manner? Visiting a club or social group where this interest is held in common? Would they be okay with you seeing a provider to have these needs met? In closing, do not feel bad about your fetish. Understand that we all have our kinks. They are one thing that makes us human and ultimately, interesting. Most couples can talk through impasses, and in time learn to enjoy the other’s fetish, or at least making one another happy.
Want to know more about exploring the world of kink with your partner? Then read, Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Navigating and Exploring the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington.