Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

We often think of sexuality as a solid set of likes, desires, and characteristics. But as we grow and develop, our interests might change or deepen. Especially today with so much access to sexual material on the internet, and a looser attitude toward sexuality in general, people feel free to explore experiences and fetishes they may not have otherwise communicated. But this puts the monogamous relationship in a particular bind. Sometimes two people get together with very different thresholds of what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not. What makes it doubly difficult is that many people do not find this out until later on, after the nuance of what the BDSM community calls “vanilla sex” has worn off. Usually one person gets comfortable with the repertoire, while the other gets bored with it. Another thing that sometimes happens is one person gets interested in a particular fetish, or certain aspect of BDSM, or finally feels comfortable enough to share their other-than-straight-sex interest. At this point, the vanilla loving partner gets freaked out. They may go through a point of insecurity, wondering if they are enough for the kinkier partner, which one hopes they are assured that they are. But then things come to a point where, each person has to ask, what do you do with this fetish or fascination if the other partner is disinterested, or unwilling to fulfill it? Should you let your partner visit a dominatrix for instance?

First of all, take a step back for a minute and realize that for your partner to divulge this to you, your relationship must have good communication. That speaks to a strong bond and a deep well of trust. These are not things to be taken lightly. Often the emotional paradigm and the sexual one are not at the same level. We may be getting all that we need and more in terms of emotional needs, but a preoccupation or overwhelming desire is waiting in the wings. This is a solid relationship. But the fetish if ignored is not going to go away. Instead, it will fester underneath the surface. You do not want to put your lover in a position where they may feel desire to cheat. Reconsider their fetish. Is it really something you do not wish to take part in? Perhaps you can have a playtime for the kinky one, and straight sex for the vanilla partner. If you are totally against taking part, consider allowing them to see a professional. There is no actual sexual interaction between the dominatrix and her client. It is really about focusing on the fetish itself, and fulfilling that desire. It may even make the relationship happier.

Do not think after years of marriage that you have your partner all figured out. Sexuality is a constantly evolving thing. It is one of the aspects after all, that keeps sex interesting. What the practice of tantra but also of BDSM teaches us is curiosity and compassion. Instead of acting out of fear or judgment, push these thoughts aside. Instead, move forward with curiosity. What is it about this act or fetish that they find so appealing? Where does it stem from? Through sexuality we can learn a lot about our partner’s psychology and our own. Supplant judgment with curiosity. Support your partner in their explorations. Set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Allow yourself the freedom to explore some fantasies and kinks of your own, and tell your partner about them. Make plans to have them fulfilled. Being open, honest, flexible, practice superb communication, and be responsive to our partner’s needs. This is what being in a long-term relationship is all about. Do not allow them to go if you have misgivings. Talk it out, until you both feel comfortable. You may even want to meet the dominatrix in the flesh. Whatever the situation, remember to make your relationship your own. Don’t try to fit into some preconceived mold of what you think it should be. Instead, make your relationship a place where both of you can be happy and yourselves.

For those who have changed their mind, and want to give it a shot read Dominatrix 101: The Good Girl’s Quick Guide to Dominating Her Man by Rebecca Lawson.

BDSM Dating App Helps the Kinky Get Together

kinky

BDSM Dating App Helps the Kinky Get Together

Tinder has been so successful it has bred a near universe of similar apps with their own twist on its successful model.  If you are a shy guy, there’s Catch. Stylish sack jumpers who are also cerebral can meet on Hinge. Those who are very health conscious can find each other on SaladMatch. To select someone who knows how to give a proper salute try Uniform Dating. If you care about the person’s personality and not so much their looks give Willow a try. Black professionals can find possible mates on Meld. Try The League if you are wealthy and the other person’s net worth is of importance to you. The latest in this dating app tsunami is for those who want to get their kink on and find a partner that’s into the kinds of freaky things they want to do. Take Tinder and BDSM, put it in a blender and what shoots out is Whipir. This app does in fact allude to the likeness of the prior landscape-changing app. They also claim to be the only platform solely for the BDSM community. It is important to find someone who is open-minded enough, and trusting enough to allow us to explore our deep desires, and help us find out more about ourselves. We do so when we lead someone else through their deepest fantasies as well.

Whipir is user friendly offering free calls, real-time messaging and video chats. The usability of dating apps is one reason why people are pivoting away from the old-time desktop version which requires a lengthy profile process and often membership fees. Apps are so convenient and cost little if anything to use. Whipir is easy to navigate. You upload a normal photo, answer a few questions including your gender, location, kinky interests and level of experience and away you go. Your choices filter out other members and hopefully put you in front of people, or put people in front of you, that are looking for what you are. Then you can chat up those who seem as though they have potential and even send out a few “sparks.” These are interests you can propose to someone you might like to experience them with. This isn’t just for the initiated. Whipir invites the curious or those who have only just started exploring to join in the dark, titillating fun.

There are what they describe as “kink categories.” These include materials, accessories, objects, sounds and fashion. If you are into latex, love the smell of leather or can’t wait to be tied down, you imply it here. One unfortunate drawback though, it doesn’t get any more specific than these categories. So if you want to spank someone there’s no way of specifically knowing without chatting and finding out what another is into. Chief communications officer Daniel Sevitt told Refinery 29 that these categories were left vague on purpose. This was because they wanted to allow a broad interpretation of kink, and even to allow users themselves to define their own fantasies and interests, without the platform dictating it to them. There is another BDSM site called FetLife. They bill themselves as the Facebook of kink. This is more of a social networking site, whereas Whipir is an efficient dating platform modeled after Tinder. Analysts wonder due to the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon if the app will become huge or sort of fizzle out. But if you are interested, Whipir may be the next great place to find someone to get your freak on with. If you’re interested in learning more about the intersection of technology and dating read, Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating by Dan Slater.

Science Says BDSM Is Good For You

blindfold

Science Says BDSM Is Good For You

Practitioners of Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) or Sadism and Masochism (S&M) were once underground movements kept in the shadows, and portrayed in the media as perverts or deviants. Fast forward past the Sexual Revolution, and we get the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. Now with the oncoming movie premier, it seems that everyone is talking about BDSM and many couples are interested in trying it out.

Of course there are those who follow the lifestyle and many others who like to engage in the occasional kinky escapade. A lot of misconceptions swirl around the practice such as that it is all about pain. In fact, actual physical pain usually has very little to do with it. Ironically psychologists say there are a lot of positive psychological benefits for those who practice BDSM. Statistics show that Americans are more interested in kinky sex than other nations are. 36% of adults in one Durex survey said that they engaged in using blindfolds, a bondage tool or masks during sex. In other countries around the world, that number was 20%. Experts believe the practice of BDSM can help couples communicate, stay in tune with one another, know each other from different sides and help build their bond.

Couples can come to understand one another better through the personas they play or the masks they wear. Also, by being comfortable enough to share your fetish or particular kink and being accepted for who you are, you and your lover build a deep and fulfilling bond able to weather the most intrepid storms. Scientists believe that dopamine and serotonin, the neurotransmitters that help people relax and attain a sense of wellbeing, are released due to the pleasure that can be found in the practice of BDSM. Certainly, it isn’t for everyone. Not just anyone can feel comfortable enough to express themselves this way. Nor is it everyone’s forte. But many do enjoy it and also feel guilty about it. Certainly, in the wake of the sexual revolution we shouldn’t feel guilty. In fact, finding acceptance and a partner who is willing to indulge our fantasies, just as we are willing to indulge theirs can be a great and satisfying adventure and helps build a loving bond. Vasopressin is also released through fulfilling sex, whether the couple is engaged in “vanilla sex” or BDSM.

BDSM helps couples communicate according to Dr. Jeffrey Sumber, a Chicago psychotherapist. Couples who are going to engage in blindfolding, spanking, whipping or handcuffing better have their communication down. But more enhanced communication means the couple is better able to navigate flare ups, flesh out underlying issues and come to agreements. Intimacy can also be deepened not only by revealing one’s true nature but because taking part in such practices involves an element of risk, hence the excitement it conjures. But that also means one must implicitly trust one’s partner to feel comfortable enough to take part.

A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2009 found that those who take part in BDSM scored higher in feelings of closeness with their partner. This closeness and trust can also inhibit infidelity. Other studies have found that it promotes wellbeing, calms stress and anxiety and allows for better mental health. Be sure to read up on it should you and your lover be interested in trying it out. There are rules and best practices to follow to make sure no one gets hurt. Everyone has something that turns them on. And BDSM is just one way for couples to engage in transformative sex. For this and other ways to do so read, Partners in Passion: A Guide to Great Sex, Emotional Intimacy, and Long-term Love by Mark A. Michaels & Patricia Johnson.

50 Shades of Your Relationship

SPANKING

50 Shades of Your Relationship

At one time bondage, domination, sadism and masochism (BDSM) was considered abhorrent, frightening, freakish or extreme. But today, in the wake of the Sexual Revolution and the advent of the erotic novel 50 Shades of Grey, many people are more interested and open to the lifestyle. What’s more, it may have benefits such as rekindling the spark in your relationship, getting you out of a sexless marriage and even improving on communication—something all couples struggle with from time to time. The New York Times and other newspapers have run articles about BDSM, Cosmopolitan has been giving kinkier advice and Harvard University now teaches a class on S&M, all in preparation for the 50 Shades of Grey movie that just hit theaters.

So how common are these types of activities? Researchers say somewhere between 2-62% of couples practice BDSM. This is kinky sex we are talking about. There isn’t a clear picture exactly. People are most likely apprehensive about opening up about it. One 2008 Australian poll found that 2.2% of men and 1.3% of women said they engaged in S&M within the last month. But a study that just came out asking 1,500 American men and women about their fantasies, found that 53.3% of men and 64.6% of women had dreamt of being dominated sexually. Meanwhile 59.6% of men and 46.7% of women fanaticized about dominating someone else.

So is it normal or sick to engage in such behavior? Those who participate in BDSM are surprisingly well-adjusted according to a 2006 study. Here researchers tested those in the kink community for psychological disorders. They found that BDSM practitioners had lower levels of PTSD, anxiety, depression, borderline pathology, psychological masochism and paranoia. They were found just as prone to obsessive-compulsive disorder, narcissism and dissociation as their “vanilla sex” counterparts. Those who enjoyed BDSM had positive personality traits, according to a 2013 study. They were more conscientious, extraverted, open to new experiences and had a higher sense of wellbeing. Kink lovers were also less sensitive to rejection and were less neurotic than the straight laced. There was one negative. Those who engaged in BDSM were found less agreeable than their non-practicing counterparts. Certainly, normal healthy people engage in BDSM with no short-term or permanent damage. In fact, it can be an enjoyable, zesty enterprise if you are open to it. One of the central themes is non-judgment which many people find freeing. Others say it gets you out of your head, which leaves worries and cares behind, relaxing you. There has even been talk about parallels between BDSM and tantric sexual practices.

So what do BDSM practitioners actually do? Effects are more psychological than physical. One person is generally the dominant character or the “top” and the other plays the submissive role or the “bottom.” This can fit the person’s natural assertive or submissive nature, or express their latent desire to be assertive or submissive. There is also the rare switch, the person who can play both roles. Practitioners take part in elaborate role plays which include elements that both parties are interested in. Bondage can include tying someone up with rope, chains or handcuffs. Sadism can include whipping, caning, spanking, using nipple clamps and much more. Humiliation is also a part of it, things such as name calling, blindfolding and gagging. Couples have to be very comfortable with one another and communicate well to engage in this kind of play. They should also have a safety word which if either one utters, stops play immediately. This is when one party feels uncomfortable and the level of play is getting close to crossing their boundaries. Be sure to study up and learn more before engaging. Bondage rope for instance should be tied loosely as not to cut off circulation. And believe it or not, there is a proper way to spank someone. If you are interested in learning more, check out the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), look for community organizations in your area, or pick up a copy of Jay Wiseman’s SM 101: A Realistic Introduction.