How to Find Him

elevator

How to Find Him

Are you tired of waiting around for prince charming? It makes a great story. But in reality, if you are just waiting for the right guy to find you, you will kiss a lot of frogs without finding any princes. Instead, it pays to be proactive with your love life, like so many other aspects of life, rather than just wait for whoever comes along. But how do you find him, the right guy? He may not be the one, if such a thing exists, but the one for you. Don’t just sit on your duff and wait for him to arrive. He may not. And when he does see you, he may not recognize your interest, or that you two could be the perfect item.

Here’s how to make things happen. The first step, develop a gaze that shows how attractive and mysterious you are. Don’t just make eye contact, give him a look that will make him whither in his shoes. He’ll either strike up the courage to approach you, get a wingman to accompany him for a little support, or he’ll walk away, in which case it’s time to move on to the next potential candidate. If you see a cute guy walking a dog, approach them. Play with and pet it. Show how much you like dogs and start a little conversation. It’s a great, easy icebreaker. If you are an animal lover you already have something in common. And owning a dog shows he’s affectionate, responsible, caring and loving; good relationship traits.

If there is a nice guy you’d like to get to know better, use a pickup line. If a man uses it, it’s trite, unimaginative and falls flat. If a woman uses it, it’s funny, cheeky and lets him know you are interested. If you are at a sports bar or venue and see a guy you are interested in, use the game as an icebreaker. Ask who’s winning. What team is he rooting for? Ask about the rules. These questions will make him feel masculine as he can enlighten you on the information he knows. It will get the conversation flowing. And you’ll be able to judge his interest in you quickly. If you are a fellow sports fan, it should be easy to get the small talk rolling.

Another great way to capture a man’s heart is to be the damsel in distress. Have a problem you want him to solve. This works well on someone you know or have had your eye on for some time. Ask him to fix something for you, be it the printer in the copy room, something at your desk, your car in the parking lot, or wherever or whatever needs fixing. If he isn’t handy ask for his advice on something. Then thank him for his help. Offer to help him with something. Better yet invite him to dinner or lunch, on you as a thank you. There are lots of subtle and fun ways to maneuver the right man into your life. For more advice read, Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love you Deserve! By Matthew Hussey.

How Women can Protect Themselves in Bars

happy-hour

How Women can Protect Themselves in Bars

Bars can be great places to relax, have fun, hang loose and meet new friends, or even someone special. But as much as harmless or friendly flirting occurs in bars they are also the venues of unwanted sexual aggression and advances. A new study out of the University of Toronto’s Centre for Addiction and Mental Health entitled Blurred Lines?” Sexual Aggression and Barroom Culture found that 50% of women who attend bars are victims of sexual aggression. 90% of the time males initiated this aggression and females were the victims. Though this is quite common, women don’t have to be mere victims. So how can women protect themselves in bars? First, be extra vigilant when interacting with strangers. The atmosphere in a bar is often charged sexually. The sexual aggression that occurs in bars generally takes place between strangers, so says the senior research scientist of the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Institute of the University of Washington Jeanette Norris. In fact, it is the unfamiliarity that could create a perfect environment for sexual aggression. According to Dr. Norris, there are two psychological phenomenon that occur, “First, perpetrators might be more likely to depersonalize and dehumanize the targeted woman, and second, it might lead them to believe they are less likely to suffer any consequences for their actions.”

Don’t drink so much when you are in the bar. Women who get drunk are seen as sexually more promiscuous or worthy of blame according to lead researcher on the Toronto study Dr. Kathyrn Graham.   Dr. Norris states, “Other research has shown that women who drink are often seen as more sexually available than women who do not drink. They may also be seen in generally negative or derogatory ways – as sluts, unfeminine, or generally not worthy of respect – which may provide an excuse for attacking women sexually.” Next, consider the reputation of the place you are going to. If it is a seedy place, somewhere that isn’t well lit or that has a poor reputation, head someplace else. If a man is being sexually inappropriate in an establishment with a good reputation, reach out the restaurant manager or even the bartender and they will put a stop to this inappropriate behavior, or perhaps eject the man entirely. If a man is coming on to you aggressively, don’t give him an inch. Shun him and let him know immediately that you aren’t interested. If it causes a scene, so what? It will be him that’s embarrassed and he’s more likely to back off. Fear of creating a scene or embarrassing him protects the perpetrator. Let your aggressor know straight out that you aren’t interested and shun him and he’s more likely to back off. If he continues to be aggressive let the bartender know or leave immediately before the incident escalates. Don’t go to bars by yourself. A group is safer than being alone or just with one other friend. Sit near the middle of the bar if you can. Predators go for easy targets usually off in the corners. Lastly, use the belly button rule. Point your belly button toward people you want to talk to and away from those you don’t. To learn more about sexual aggression read, Examining the Context of Sexual Aggression by Tim Hoyt.

Unconventional ways To Get a Date

romantic-dinner

Unconventional ways To Get a Date

Have you exhausted your social circle? Have dating websites given you nothing but duds? Has speed dating proven to be an efficient waste of time? If you are stuck in a dating rut and all the usual avenues seem like dead ends, why not try some of these unconventional ways to get a date? It will shake things up, put a little excitement back into your dating life and who knows, maybe it will even give you a great story about how you two met each other? There are a few different options here. Not every strategy is right for everyone. Evaluate carefully and pick a few that are right for you. The first tactic is to network at family reunions, parties and other social gatherings. Ask people to set you up. Do they know anyone who is single and might be interested in you? There’s no shame in it. In fact, people love playing matchmaker. The people you identify with know you very well. They are far less likely to set you up with a dud. In fact, they may know someone perfect for you; it just hasn’t come to mind. Next, you may not want an office romance. But lots of big companies have social clubs with different bends. They have sports teams you can join. And these are a great way to meet people. You can also ask work colleagues to set you up. But instead of looking desperate, frame it in a nice way. Tell your cubicle mate you’d love to find someone that makes you as happy as their significant other makes them. Voila, you’ll be set up in no time, but you may have to try with more than one coworker.

If you meet someone you really click with but they’re taken, ask if they have any single friends that you can check out. Many people are likeminded with their friends. And it might be exciting for you to ask them. See if it pans out. It can’t hurt. Next time you go to a party, social gathering or out for a night on the town, break off from your wingman at fifteen minute intervals so that you can mingle and network. Don’t do it without discussing it with them beforehand. Let them know that you love hanging out with them but you want to meet someone, and they might be intimidated or you may not look interested in them if you are attached to someone or a group of friends all night. Hit up people in the service industry. If you go to the same hair salon or barber, coffee house, restaurant, bar or any other establishment where you’re friendly with the staff, ask them if they know anyone single they’d be willing to set you up with. If there’s another patron who you’ve had your eye on, ask the staff about them. They can probably tell you if they are single and all kinds of other details about them. They might even help set you up. In the days of social media, use friends of friends both on and offline to see if they know anyone single. It’s all about networking, framing things in the right way, not being afraid of being single but embracing it, enjoying it and enjoying the process of meeting new people and going on dates. Don’t hide being single, celebrate it.  For more dating advice, read True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of your Life by Debra K. Fileta, MA, LPC.

Meeting New Men

 

findingmen

For some it’s always easy to find a date. Others have to work at it. There are those who found it easy in high school and college to get dates but when settling into adult life, getting too busy and running in the same social circles can make it hard to meet the right people to date. So how can you meet new men that are worthwhile? Where are some good places to mix it up and find someone you’d like to date? First, think about where you spend your free time. Most people settle into long term relationships with people who have the same values and interests. Are you always at the gym? Do you love reading or composing at the coffeehouse, can you be found at a rally, an animal shelter or playing ball with a local club during your free time? If you don’t meet someone to date you can still enjoy yourself. If you do meet someone you two will have a lot to talk about. There’s an easy way to break the ice. You could also make more friends, male friends and female friends. And guess what? They probably have single male friends. Chances are if you get along with the friends you’ll get along well with the potential date, too. Some people love playing matchmaker. Others are reticent. Let them know you won’t blame them if it doesn’t work out. That usually does the trick.

The next idea, why not go somewhere where guys hang out? Is there a certain kind of guy you’d like to date? If he’s the sporty type why not go and check out a sports bar? You could hit one up on a weekend too and find which one has the best vibe. Join a team in your favorite sport that’s co-ed. That could be fun. It will give you a real chance to get to know your teammates, including those who have potential, and weed out anyone that you thought had something until some unsavory personality traits pop up, saving you valuable dating time. How about an intellectual? There are poetry readings, book cafes, lectures at local colleges and universities, book readings and more for you to check out. Don’t go to wine bars, unless you want to meet more single women and see if they know any eligible men. Lastly, get yourself on an online dating site. 50% of U.S. singles have profiles on dating sites. Don’t be left behind. Do some research, see which apps or sites appeal to you. Take some time to figure out how best to compose your profile. Tweak it so that it interests the type of guy you are hoping to attract. You can get access to so many singles in your area that you never knew existed. Lastly, don’t stress if you don’t find a guy or the right guy right away. Stay positive. Be open to new experiences. Surround yourself with the right people and the right guy is bound to come your way. For more advice on this topic, read How to Meet Men by Liz R. Clayton.

Women in Bars Experiencing Increased Sexual Aggression

sexual-aggression

The University of Toronto recently released a study that determined that sexual aggression against women in bars wasn’t because the men were drunk nor was it all a misunderstanding. The study’s authors hired observers to go and sit in bars and record the behavior of the patrons there. What they found was that women in bars were experiencing increased sexual aggression. 90% of sexual aggression was pointed at women from men, and the level of inebriation did not sync up with the level of aggression proposed. This research was recently published in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research. The chair of the Connecticut General Assembly’s Task Force on Domestic Violence representative Mae Flexer was quoted responding to these results saying, “…women being intoxicated makes it easier for predators to act out their aggression against women, but these predators are going to do this anyway, whether women are drunk or sober, and I think that’s a very important point to get across.” But she also pointed out that, “…we’re not talking about men in the collective. We need to show that we recognize that the men who commit these crimes are a very small portion of the population.”

According to the Safe Bars Initiative, an organization promoting safety in drinking establishments, there are many things one can do to stop someone from aggressively harassing a woman in this manner. Safe Bars trains bar staff in dealing with this and other concerns. According to their representative Lauren Taylor, there are things one can do to intervene and help the victim. “For example, you might go up to somebody who is being targeted and say, ‘Your friend is calling over there.’ “Another way to do it is to address the issue directly with her harasser and tell them to stop it. According to Taylor our implicit rape culture is to blame. There is a ‘boys will be boys’ kind of feeling, that men are expected to be aggressive sexually towards women, though our mindset certainly has changed from what it was in the past. Men do have to worry about drunk driving, embarrassment, and getting into fistfights. But the same problems occur when women go to the bar or get drunk. The difference is most men don’t have rape as a particular worry, whereas to women this is a huge concern. Other ways women can protect themselves is to go to the bar in groups or at least with a friend. If she should have a male friend in her group of compatriots, more the better. Picking bars with well-lit parking lots, that have a respectable reputation and adequate security are also good. Certainly people shouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior, but they shouldn’t lash out with aggression either. Walking away, asking a member of the staff to intervene or making a scene to embarrass the man are all ways that might stop this from occurring. For more advice on this topic, read Being Safe: Using Psychological & Emotional Readiness to Avoid Being a Victim of Violence and Crime by Edward N. Ross, Ph.D.