Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

repair trust

Can you Repair a Relationship where the Trust is Gone?

There are a lot of different reasons someone can blow the trust in a relationship. It could be infidelity, emotional cheating, cleaning out the bank account and blowing it in Vegas, a shopping spree and hiding the credit card bills, or instead a string of little things so long it makes one wonder if they ever told the truth at all. Whatever the reason, trust is the glue that keeps a relationship together. Without trust there is no intimacy and without intimacy, no relationship. You can’t be intimate with someone you have to constantly be on guard around. So can you repair a relationship where the trust is gone? Certainly no one is perfect. Depending upon what you believe and what they have done, there are ways to build bridges back to trust. It isn’t easy. It takes a lot of patience, forgiveness, owning up to what both parties have done and superb communication. It’s important to look at what led up to the violation. Oftentimes there are certain goings-on in a relationship, underlying problems that must be addressed so such a slipup don’t happen again.

Those who are the victims shouldn’t rub their partner’s face in transgressions. Nor should they ignore what contribution they themselves may have made to the situation. Only when each person is open and honest with each other can they make plans of action or rules of engagement that work for them, can they overcome these obstacles and rebuild trust. If both parties are still very much in love, engaged and committed to renewing the relationship then it has the highest likelihood of happening. But half measures will cause few returns. The person who has perpetuated the betrayal has to be sorry. But they should also be open and forthcoming in all aspects and ready and willing to change. The more open they are the faster the healing process will be. A betrayal can be implicit or explicit, meaning it may be something that was a spoken rule or just an obvious one. But it can’t be obvious to one person and not the other. When a transgression has occurred and the person lies or covers up their betrayal, these actions only make things worse. They also contribute to a longer and more difficult road ahead.

Of course every relationship and situation is different. That said there are a few things anyone going on this harrowing journey should keep in mind. If you are the betrayer, fess up before they find out. The longer you wait the more damage you will cause and the more time it will take for the relationship to recover. Plus, unburdening yourself from the guilt will also be a great relief. Decide then and there to have absolutely no dishonesty in your relationship ever again. If you can’t be honest with your partner, why are you with them? At the time of confession and even after, allow your partner to ask questions. Be honest in answering. You want to communicate and restore goodwill. If you are the victim, you shouldn’t keep asking questions just to shock or hurt yourself. At a certain point, you have decided to stay in the relationship or go. If you are staying, it’s important to find the path toward healing, not dwell on the past. Patience is the best characteristic in this situation. Practice it unendingly. Keep in touch with yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything to be fully present and listen to your partner as you work through things. Stay focused and if you are both meant to be together, you can get past this terrible time and find each other once again. For advice on keeping your marriage on the right track before transgressions start read, Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love by Linda Bloom and Charlie Bloom.

Should you take your Ex Back?

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Should you take your Ex Back?

No matter the situation, ending a relationship is one of the hardest things you can do. Somebody is getting hurt in one way or another, and probably both of you to some degree. But a harder decision still is whether or not you should get back together with someone you broke up with or even got divorced from. Sure, the situation plays a lot into it. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment only to get back together again, and joke about it later. Another throws dishes at each other one day, only to forgive the next via rapacious bedroom escapades. And we’ve all rolled our eyes at those who get back together after a once-upon-a-time protracted and painful divorce or breakup. You mean they’re back together again?! We screech. But the saner of us from time to time find relationships that are a lot more complex. It’s hard to sort through. So how do you decide whether or not to take your ex back, including your ex-spouse? Here are some important things to take into consideration.

First, it’s high time to evaluate the initial breakup. Remember there is no right or wrong when it comes to reasons for breaking up. But what elements of the relationship led to it? If there was physical or psychological abuse, you shouldn’t go back there. If their snoring was too loud and you’ve found comfortable earplugs, maybe give it a shot. Next, think about what circumstances have brought you back together. Does it have to do with the pressure of responsibility, to piece the family back together? Is it a sense of guilt? Is the other person pressuring you? Or does it just feel comfortable and right? If you two have fallen deeply in love all over again and the problems of the past are resolved, go for it. If you truly love this person and see a bright future together, realize that life doesn’t always give you second chances at happiness. Would everything be great if you got together again, or would the same problems keep creeping up? If you just want to be in a relationship, don’t do it. Learn how to be with yourself first. You can’t be with someone else, if you can’t deal with being with yourself.

Think about what your previous relationship was like overall. Consider different aspects. Was it really a fight over something frivolous, or were there deeper issues at work? If they were controlling, had an anger management problem, a substance abuse problem or something else that’s serious, it’s important to consider who they are now. You may be walking right back into the same booby-trap with open arms. If the person tells you they want to change, be skeptical. If they tell you they have changed, look for proof. If they can prove to you they have changed, move ahead slowly. There’s no problem in being friends first, going slow and watching how things progress. It’s easier to extricate yourself that way. People can tell you all kinds of beautiful words. Remember their actions don’t lie. It is in these you can solemnly trust. Don’t let your guard down at first. Watch carefully. But be open to the possibility. Don’t deny yourself a second chance at love. Your heart is a sacred jewel. Protect it as such, and only give it to those who will treasure it. For a better chance the second time around read, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary D. Chapman.

Is Dating a Friend’s ex ever Okay?

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Is Dating a Friend’s ex ever Okay?

Many people make rules for themselves when dating. They vow never to date a coworker, someone younger than your youngest sibling or a friend’s ex. But why should you limit yourself? Aren’t these rules too constricting? A blanket statement is never good as there may be nuances, particulars or situations that make things less clear cut. Is it ever okay to date a friend’s ex? To some, this is a hard and fast rule. To others it may be situational. What if it’s someone you are hanging out with but it isn’t a good friend, more like an acquaintance? What if you and the ex really have a connection while your friend and the ex, not so much? What if it’s been months if not years and the friend has no interest or care? So dating a friend’s ex can be okay as long as you follow certain guidelines. First, make sure you time it right. You don’t want to be with your friend on Thursday night comforting them, being the shoulder to cry on, and seeing their ex on Friday night unbeknownst to your friend. Next, be honest about it. Don’t go behind their back. And wait until they are through before you make your move. Ask your friend if they are okay with it. If not, have a conversation. Why not?

Understand that your friendship can’t stay the same from this time onward. If you normally dish about all the things happening with you and the person you’re dating, you may have to think twice. On the other hand, it may bring you closer, as your friend might know exactly where you are coming from. If the ex dumped your friend however things between you and the friend might prove rather rocky. Have a heart-to-heart and find out how your pal really feels. If they are pining to get back together with this person you will undeniably break their heart. If it’s been two years and they are being woefully unreasonable you should try to discover why they are still longing for this person, and help them heal. At the same time, you may want to discuss openly with your friend your desire to date this person, if he or she has shown interest, and let them know what kind of a dilemma you are in. what are friends for, if not to share our dilemmas with? And a good friend tells the truth and asks for help or advice, even if the friend is a part of the problem. Don’t date someone right after they’ve broken up, and if the person was horrible to your friend, how are they going to treat you? You might think you can change someone’s behavior, but the trail of broken hearts is paved with such ideas. Surely it makes sense if you and your friend are attracted to similar people. You may all be likeminded with similar interests. Just think about what kind of friend you are being and evaluate the situation on its own particulars. For more on dating etiquette, read The Bro Code by Barney Stinson and Matt Kuhn.

Men Who Lose Sleep Misinterpret Women’s Cues

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Men Who Lose Sleep Misinterpret Women’s Cues

A new study states that guys who are sleep deprived don’t judge a woman’s desire for sex accurately (hindustantimes). 29 women and 31 men took part in this study. They were asked to fill out a questionnaire where they had to gauge a woman’s interest in commitment and sex. They took the same test before and after an evening without sleep. Here is a sample question, “When a woman goes out to a bar, how likely is it that she is interested in finding someone to have sex with that night?” When they slept well, both sexes rated a woman’s interest in sex lower than a man’s. But, after a sleepless night, men rated women’s interest in sex much higher than before. In fact, they believed a woman’s interest in sex was equal to a man’s. Women however never changed their answers, sleep deprived or no. Commitment levels were the same for both sexes regardless of how much sleep they had.

The implications of this research are that sleep deprived men may make decisions and miscalculations that their well-rested brethren wouldn’t do. It’s important when evaluating a dating situation to do so accurately. The results of this research can be found in the journal Sleep. Coming on too strong when you are sleepy is not a good idea. In fact, it’s important to make sure you accurately assess the situation. Some people are often overconfident in their prowess with the opposite sex. Others are too intimidated. Most people are somewhere in the middle. Understand how you regard the opposite sex and how well you read them. When a person enters your personal space, holds eye contact, smiles and laughs a lot in your presence, touches your arm or some other part of you, they are interested in you. If you are unsure give the person more space and seek to find out more. If you are a bad judge of the opposite sex, ask a friend or a confidant how they felt about the behavior of the person you are interested in. For more advice on women’s cues, read the book Read Her Signs: An Essential Guide to Understanding Women and Never Getting Rejected Again by Stella Belmar.

Important Questions to Ask Before Getting Divorced

Warning-Signs

Important Questions to Ask Before Getting Divorced

Most people say “I do” thinking that this is the person they are going to spend the rest of their life with. But the truth is most of us are woefully unprepared for what marriage might throw at us. We aren’t taught about how to have healthy relationships in school. And most people don’t learn anywhere else but from trial and error. Our relationship toolbox is nearly empty when we enter into matrimony. Some couples find ways to navigate the unchartered waters of their marriage. Others get caught up on an issue and get stuck. Still others run into something that one or both parties simply can’t live with, and the marriage is sunk. Most people go to marriage counselors when they are at their wits end. They want to know how they can tell whether the marriage is over or if there is hope for renewal. The truth is that no one can answer that question for you. Only the two of you can answer it. It takes time, focus and asking the right questions before you decide to get divorced. The first question is do you really want to divorce or do you want the marriage to improve? It’s important to know one from the other. An unsatisfying relationship is one thing, but a dead one is another. Investing in a marriage counselor that you two both like and feel comfortable with is important. Perhaps even try two counselors before ending it.  But know when it is no longer able to be revived.

Make sure you have a licensed, practicing therapist who has had experience with your specific issues. Also, make sure you have a rapport with this person, and your spouse does too. You really need to trust your therapist for the therapy to work. If you really loved this person and you were devoted to them and vice versa then you have to ask whether you gave it your all to make the marriage work. Keep in mind that therapy is not like plumbing. A therapist can’t simply come in and repair it. Therapy is lots of hard work with uncomfortable steps that both parties have to be willing to take in order to reconcile and get the marriage back on track again. Both parties need to be able to commit fully and put forth the proper effort and care for this to succeed. Consider what the stress level is in your relationship. Do they ever drive you to the point of exhaustion, a blow out or even a breakdown? Certain stressors can cause a marriage to fail like unemployment, bankruptcy, infertility, miscarriage and more. These stressors can weigh a marriage down so much that it can end up killing it. Counseling is the best way to overcome these traumas. Have you examined how you engage negativity in the relationship? Take a look at your own baggage and what negative cycles you incite or exacerbate. Look to other problems such as standards that are too high, someone else getting in the way, and if you still love them before you decide whether or not to break it off.  For more advice, read The Four Factors: Should You Stay, Go or Improve Your Relationship? by Ron Gentile.