How Your Self-Esteem affects your Relationships

SELF-ESTEEM

How Your Self-Esteem affects your Relationships

Do you stand up for yourself in relationships? If you don’t establish boundaries no matter how nice the person you are dating is, they will cross them. The truth is that relationships take both people sacrificing and contributing time, energy, patience and love for it to work. Here is how your self-esteem affects your relationships, though you might not be aware of when or how.

First, let’s define self-esteem. This is how you feel about yourself. Do you have a positive or negative self-image? What is your self-worth like? Some people think they’re worth a billion just for smiling. Others feel their utterly worthless. Most of us fall somewhere in between this spectrum. Self-esteem should not be confused with the ego which is the deciphering of your self-importance, helping you to realize how unique and extraordinary you really are. If you have low self-esteem you are liable to think you are lucky to have your partner. But they are just as lucky to have you. You will spend all of your time catering to their needs and fail to speak up for your own needs. It will be all give and zero take. You might expect your lover to know what you want and feel disappointed when they can’t read your mind and suddenly make your desire reality.

But this isn’t living in reality. After a while pent up anger, frustration and resentment will be pointed at your lover. You will be driving away the very person you want in your life. Or else you will be the perpetual servant waiting on your lover without receiving your fair share in return. Find ways to pump up your self-esteem. Start dressing how you want others to perceive you. Believe in yourself. Outline your dreams and ways to make them a reality. Celebrate each small accomplishment and watch your self-esteem grow. Write down five things you love about yourself and refer back and reflect on those things often. Ask your lover, friends and relatives to tell you what they love about you. Write down your skills. Think about how you can use those skills to better your station in life.

Perhaps go back to school, assert yourself and ask for a raise, or quit your job and do a year volunteering in Africa. In your relationship, show parameters. Ask to get your needs met. Be polite but direct. Be patient. Show the person and tell them. If they can’t take part in an equal exchange of power and care get rid of them. Know how to establish and assert yourself or else you’ll be taken advantage of in love and all aspects of life. For more advice read, Self Confidence NOW: Proven Strategies to Instantly Improve Your Self Confidence & Boost Your Self Esteem by William Wyatt.

A Beautiful Wife Leads to a Happy Marriage

Happy Couple

A Beautiful Wife Leads to a Happy Marriage

What qualities would you most associate with a blissful union? Love? Commitment? Trust? Good communication skills? Or just the wife being hot? A beautiful wife leads to a happy marriage, one study claims. Conducted by psychologist Andrea Metzer, over 450 newly married couples were tracked for four years. The question on the researcher’s minds, does having an attractive spouse lead to a happier marriage? It turned out to be true, but only for guys.

Physical attractiveness didn’t have any effect on the women directly. But the husband’s satisfaction increased his wife’s satisfaction. So indirectly it did have a positive effect. This study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. This isn’t the only study to reach this conclusion. In 2008 the Relationship Institute at UCLA did a study. Here they found that men felt lucky having married an attractive wife. This lead to a high level of marital satisfaction, as the husbands feeling lucky treated their wives well, increasing their satisfaction level too. But when the husband felt more attractive than the wife, the opposite was true. They didn’t feel the need to help her out.

Certainly, being attracted to your mate is important. There are different kinds of attraction however. And everyone finds something different attractive. But even physical attraction, though it can lead to overall satisfaction, isn’t enough to keep a marriage together. A deep bond of respect, trust, commitment and love are also necessary. Without them, many other problems will come between spouses. Though an important point, this study could also illuminate us on another issue that helps cause the demise of marriage, letting ourselves go and taking our partner for granted. Just because one is married doesn’t mean keeping ourselves up is over. Of course, we should be eating right and exercising for the benefit of our health. But we should also take proper care of ourselves so that our spouse still finds us attractive.

The marriage isn’t the end of wooing, wooing should still be an ongoing process to keep things fresh, and to keep the spark alive. Wear something nice around the house just for your spouse’s benefit. Every once in a while put on some perfume or cologne just to drive them wild. Reinvest in keeping your partner interested and attracted to you and loads of other benefits will come along. For more advice read, I Still Do: Bring back that Spark- Learn How You Can Rekindle the Flame Forever by Dr. Joshua Osenga, Ed.d.

Why do we Fall in Love?

inlove

Why do we Fall in Love?

Have you ever wondered how much of love is biology and how much is psychology? If you’ve ever wondered if chemistry just happens or can be created, if love at first sight is real and all other things about love, you are living in a wondrous time. Why do we fall in love? Science has some answers. There are three different systems in the brain, that when brought together spell the emotional and biological phenomenon we call love. First is the sex drive created to ensure the perpetuation of our species. The feeling of romantic love helps you focus on one person making sure you don’t waste any time or energy. The last part is the comfort and security you feel when with a long term partner, giving you time to raise children together.

Love feels fantastic because the pleasure centers of the brain are activated when we fall for someone. Dopamine, the chemical that makes you feel euphoric, enthralled, and sleepless mirrors other experiences, such as being high on cocaine. Love at first sight does occur, though more to men than to women. Men are visual creatures. Whereas women fall in love in terms of who a person is, their charm, status or power rather than their physicality. Love at first sight may be an evolutionary advantage, producing offspring in a short amount of time rather than the long, drawn out process we go through today with society as our backdrop.

Timing of course is just as important in falling in love as it is with everything else in life. If you’re too busy with work or focusing on your responsibilities you may not notice the perfect person for you, when they’re just inches away. But with a little free time and the right mindset, a sort of openness, not necessarily looking for it, love can hit you like a lightning bolt. If you want someone to fall in love with you, do exciting things together with them. This releases dopamine and norepinephrine into the brain, mimicking romantic love. There is a difference between love and lust. You can feel love for one person. But lust dissipates after sex. And you can feel attracted to someone without being compatible, or jealous if they are into someone else.

How do you keep the spark alive? By trying new and exciting things together, and doing the things you did when you were first dating. Perhaps someday all of our questions on love will be explained. Will that kill the romance? Or will it give us a finer appreciation of the nuances of love? Only time and intrepid scientists will give us the answers. For more on this topic read, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher.

Do Guys Care what you wear on a Date?

outfit

Do Guys Care what you wear on a Date?

Almost anyone who has known a single woman about to go out on a date knows there is often no end to her fashion indecision. The bed will be covered with clothes, the ceiling fan and the closet door with hangers and still she has nothing to wear. Is this too girly? Too demure? Too playful? Too racy? What outfit will send the right message? What will make her look sophisticated, attractive and drop dead gorgeous? But any woman that’s asked a man what she should wear or how she looks knows that it is, more often than not, a complete waste of time.

Generally they have no idea and, even though they care about her and her problem, they really aren’t interested in the outfit unless it’s to cater to his needs. But if men don’t care what a woman wears, within reason, do guys care what you wear on a date? Match.com recently did a survey on this very topic. 76% of over 2,000 male respondents polled didn’t care what a woman wore. A skirt or pants? The choice didn’t faze them. Either one was fine. Instead, wear the outfit that is right for you.

Make sure you pick something that fits the venue you are going to or the social occasion. Also realize how revealing the clothes you pick are and what message that sends. There are certainly skirts that are risqué while others are plain and prudent. Tight pants with a low waist are sexy but also suggestive. To men generally, the outfit isn’t so important. As long as she looks great and fits in to the activity, situation or place. If it’s a first date, you may want to pick something that really accentuates your personality. Don’t wear something more professional if you are a free spirit. Send out your hippie vibe and see if he responds. If you are more the uptight type, don’t dress down to prove that you can be fun and relaxed. This isn’t you. And you’ll have more trouble later keeping up appearances.

It’s important to be yourself and project who you are so that the person can recognize that and see if that is what they are attracted to. If you aren’t yourself you are doing your date and yourself a great disservice. Lastly, realize that the guy is just as nervous about his outfit as you are about yours. He may not have all the fashion nuances but if he’s any type of man he will want to fit the environment, but also impress you too. “You look great” isn’t only for women. Let him know if he did a good job, even if his shirt doesn’t match his shoes. For more advice read, Comfortable in Your Own Shoes: The Building of A Confident Woman- Confidence Workbook- Dating Advice for Women by Gregg Michaelsen.

Your Guy hopes you Don’t Ask These

talking

Your Guy hopes you Don’t Ask These

Lots of women have questions about their new guy when they first get together. But when dating it’s important to let people reveal themselves slowly, when they are ready. Lots of women can overload a man with questions when a relationship is taking root. But this can scare the man off. He wants to have fun and get to know her naturally. But if he’s overloaded with questions, it isn’t fun anymore.  In fact, he thinks it means that she is going to turn into a nag later, or else be controlling and manipulative. It’s good to get to know your man. And you don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t right for you. But questions should show that you are interested in getting to know them and build a relationship.

Some women also export all of their issues onto their men. Questioning is a way to have him validate her and alleviate her insecurity.  But if she keeps doing this he will put space between them thinking that she is too needy. Here are some questions your guy hopes you don’t ask, at least at the beginning of the relationship. The first is whether or not he thinks other women are attractive. All men find other women attractive. It doesn’t mean they will act on a fleeting impulse. And thinking someone is attractive and being in love with someone are two different things, both for men and women. Too much staring is inappropriate no question. But a quick look isn’t an offense. It’s natural.

It’s nice to ask your man what he’s thinking from time to time. But if you are asking all the time, it feels like an invasion of privacy. Every relationship needs borders and a romantic one is no exception. Certainly no two people should know what the other is thinking all the time. This phrase is acceptable if your guy has trouble sharing his emotions and you want to try to get him to open up, particularly if he is a total enigma or you think something is bothering him. But if you are just asking all the time out of some anxiety you are having, examine that anxiety. Are you the jealous type? Are you insecure? These are issues to work through. Showing interest in someone is one thing, but trying to know their every thought another.

Don’t ever ask if you look fat. No man ever knows how to answer in a way that will satisfy you. The best he can do is go over the top and hope you are satisfied. Instead, go shopping with and ask one of your girlfriends. Send her a photo real quick on your smart phone. It will save your guy a headache. Lastly, don’t ask about past relationships unless you want to hear the answer. And be ready to talk about your own. With these questions in mind, your man will be a lot happier, more comfortable with you and willing to open up. For more advice read, Relationship Advice for Women: Roadmap to His Heart- 8 Steps to Attracting & Keeping Mr. Right by Anthony Floyd.