Do Men Avoid Dating Successful Women?

SUCCESS-WOMAN

Do Men Avoid Dating Successful Women?

For the first time in American history, women are surpassing men in bachelor’s and master’s degrees. Single, professional women are one of the fastest growing demographics in the country. Though they still do not make what a man does for the same job in many places, in some urban areas professional women’s salaries are outpacing men. What’s more, over half of all households will see a female breadwinner by 2025. That is amazing progress in a very short period of time, though the feminist movement has its roots a long way back in American history. Some women however say their success in the scholarly and economic realms is having negative consequences on their dating life. There are professional women who say the men they date are intimidated. They either pull away or blow them off due to a discomfort with the woman’s success. Perhaps these men find it emasculating, it is thought. Lots of these women’s girlfriends today console them by saying so, at least. There is even a school of thought that says a woman should dumb herself down in a man’s presence in order to make him feel comfortable and allow the relationship room to grow. But is it true? Do men avoid dating successful women?

Sure there is a segment in the male domain that pine for the 1950s. They believe in traditional values and are put off by women who are independent. But is this the majority of men? Certainly not. Nor is it right to generalize, which in addition to being inaccurate is in a way sexist since it paints all men as antiquated, chauvinists. There are lots of men who appreciate the success, knowledge, skills and other aspects of an accomplished woman. They also want a partner to share interesting times and conversations with, someone with many facets and dimensions, just as women do.  In fact, there are a lot of men who brag about the accomplishments of their wives and girlfriends. There is too a growing segment of stay-at-home dads and lots who enjoy it. So what’s really going on here? Their selection process could be an issue. What kind of men is this person seeking? What qualities do they all hold in common? Are they chauvinists, traditional or perhaps they fear commitment? The woman herself may also be subconsciously sabotaging her chances at love due to some deep-seeded trauma. Another aspect, it might be the woman’s personality itself. Pushiness, vanity, decisiveness, being opinionated and other aggressive behaviors propel some forward in their career. But on the dating scene these qualities are a huge turnoff.

In terms of selection process, lots of women say they want a man who is just as accomplished or more. But then are they selecting someone who is also decisive, aggressive and opinionated? When two people share such personalities the relationship quickly becomes an arena of locking horns rather than a relaxing atmosphere where love and romance can flourish. Only selecting this type, a person who fits a checklist of certain career accomplishments also shows underlying issues. This person worries of what others think or has a need to project their value. One’s relationship can be seen as a reflection of one’s self. But why don’t they explore other sides of their personality? We don’t have to date someone we view as a colleague. Looking for someone to love is not the same as a job interview. So someone who is opinionated may enjoy hanging out with someone who is open-minded, shy, artistic and free spirited. This may nourish other aspects that are suppressed in their normal, workaday environment. A professional woman may be interested in someone who is accomplished but in a totally different field or way. Lastly, sometimes this attitude that no men are good is an armor to protect from the fear that they themselves are at fault, or doing something wrong. Each person brings problems into a relationship, big and small. No one is perfect. We are all human. But it is in examining our mistakes and our own flaws that we can grow and develop and become better. There’s an old Buddhist saying; when the disciple is ready the master will appear. When the heart is ready, love will be there. For more savvy ways to navigate your love life read, Love Smart: Find the One You Want–Fix the One You Got by Dr. Phil McGraw.

Science Confirms the Honeymoon Effect

HONEYMOON-EFFECT

Science Confirms the Honeymoon Effect

You know how a relationship seems spectacular, whimsical and perfect in a relationship or marriage just at the beginning but as time wears on more and more problems, issues and things that drive you and your lover crazy start popping up? This is called the “honeymoon effect” and it’s not just what people say, science has confirmed its existence. Researchers at New York University, led by Dr. Michael Lorber, studied 396 newlyweds in their initial two and a half years together as husband and wife. Researchers found that 14% of the husbands experienced the honeymoon effect. Though elated at the beginning, these men were highly unsatisfied by the end of the study.

10% of the wives in this study also encountered the honeymoon effect. But researchers found something interesting here. These women were not as satisfied at the beginning of the relationship as women who did not experience the effect. According to Lorber, “Men who were more depressed or aggressive, or whose fiancées were more depressed or less satisfied with the relationship, were more likely to exhibit the honeymoon effect. Things worked out pretty similarly for the women as well … The more depressed or aggressive women were, or the more depressed, aggressive, or dissatisfied their fiancés were, the more likely they were to have fairly high initial satisfaction that dropped sharply.”

According to Lorber, if you can see this idealization at the beginning of a relationship it could tip you off to steer clear of this person, saving you grief and time. As things move on there could also be interventions to help couples navigate the harsh waters of marriage and get their relationship back on track again. But this forecasting method of course isn’t foolproof. According to Lorber, “We can make some predictions about which highly satisfied newlyweds or soon-to-be newlyweds may not stay that way, and then try to help those people … it might be easier to do some relatively ‘light touch’ interventions early on than to do intensive marital therapy after things have already soured.”

Anyone entering into a relationship and especially a marriage should not just dive in with their gut feeling without evaluating the relationship. Are both partners being practical about its ministrations? Are they practical in their outlook of their relationship and their evaluation of one another? It’s important that you do recognize your soon-to-be spouse’s shortcomings and have come to terms with them. Accepting who we are, who our lover is and what our relationship is like, and how it should be in a practical sense is important. Realize that no one is perfect. If you feel like you are marrying someone who is perfect, or they think you are perfect, be wary. Perfection does not exist in the world. Find someone who is instead perfect for you. For more advice read, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships by Marnia Robinson and Douglas Wile, Ph.D.

Don’t go for the Aggressive Attorney when Divorcing

aggressive

Don’t go for the Aggressive Attorney when Divorcing

When we are hurt, or worried about assets or child custody, we may consider getting an aggressive attorney to try and safeguard our interests. It may even go beyond that. You could be hurt, and lashing out in revenge. Whatever your reasoning, don’t consider an aggressive attorney. If you think hiring a “pit bull” lawyer is going to help you, think again. The trouble is those “fighter” attorneys are just argumentative. They may be brash, pushy, arrogant, and rearing for a fight, but that doesn’t mean the judge is going to respect them. In fact, just the opposite may be true. Now, who you thought would be a good advocate turns out to be a liability. If the judge is biased against your attorney, it could definitely impact the case. Another issue is billing. These types of lawyers want to make as much as possible. That means billing you for as many hours as they can. Even if they have lower rates, they could get you in legal fees. Another consideration is the more issues you have to fight over the more expensive it is going to be. So a “pit bull” may drum up trouble just to pocket more of your money. It also means, the more your side fights, the more the other side has to. Lots of money gets siphoned away in bickering and legal proceedings, as a result. The marital estate dwindles, bad news for both of you.

If both attorneys are belligerent “fighters” this could further prolong matters. There is one thing you can say about divorce; those involved never cease to find ways to suck away your money. There are even attorney fee contributions to make things level, should your ex have less access to funds than you. Sanctions could also force you to pay your spouse, further depleting the estate. Some say aggressive attorneys can be found filing motions that don’t make any sense, and prolong the case in order to make sure they get the most out of it, financially. If you have children, you may be setting a bad atmosphere with your ex in which to co-parent in. The divorce will set the tone moving forward. You might make your ex angrier, so that they are terrible to deal with whenever they come to pick up the kids. Forget it if you want to switch weekends. If you and your ex’s lawyers get into a tit-for-tat situation, there is no way to predict when it might end. A short divorce time is about six months. But there are divorces that drag on for two, three, even five years. At that point both of you just want it over with. You want normalcy. You want a chance to start your life over again. But the longer the divorce is prolonged, the longer you will have to put that time off. Plus all the money you wasted. You wonder if it was worth it.

Seek out an attorney that is going to look after your best interests. It should be someone effective but also level headed. Look for an attorney that wants the divorce to be resolved in a fair and equitable manner. You want someone who will take what is important for you and fight for that. You don’t want someone who just wants to win. One strategy “pit bull” lawyers employ is to make things so expensive, that the other side gives up. But you both lose in this situation. Plus you both come off angry which will set the tone for any future relations, should children be in the mix. You may be bitter and worried that you won’t get the things you need, like custody or child support. But make sure you have someone who is going to do the right thing, not play dirty just to win. Be careful when you go to select an attorney, and don’t be afraid to walk away from one or get a new one, if yours turns out different than you thought. If you believe you have this type of attorney, make the switch sooner rather than later. Good communication, mutual respect and trust are essential to the client-attorney relationship. Look for these traits and your divorce will come off better than you thought. For more legal advice read, The Guide to a Smart Divorce- Experts’ advice for surviving divorce by Kurt Groesser, Jan Parsons, Kim Langelaar, and David Heckenbach Esq.

How to tell if your Spouse is a Bully

bully

How to tell if your Spouse is a Bully

We don’t often think of our loved one’s as bullies. Instead we think of them as the bullies of days gone past in the schoolyard, in the high school locker room or even the boss who bully’s his or her employees. But bullying can and does happen in close personal relationships. Some people know right away when they are being bullied by their spouse. Others have a hard time recognizing the signs. If you are confused and think the lines are blurred then here’s how to tell if your spouse is a bully. First consider what types of exchanges you are having. Do you have arguments that just get a little heated? Does respect still inhabit arguments? Or is there name calling? Name calling is textbook bullying behavior. These could be cuss words. Or belittling could be a part of it such as calling someone a weakling or an idiot. Taunting is another classic bullying behavior. If your spouse tries to attack you verbally or even physically and they taunt you when you defend yourself, this is bullying behavior. “Go ahead, I dare you.” “What are you going to do?” Or “Tell whoever you want, they’ll take my side,” are all taunts used to help control the intended target.

Physical aggressiveness may follow along with long diatribes or tirades. They may get sexually or otherwise physically abusive. If you are ever attacked you should definitely get out of this relationship. It is never your fault. This relationship is toxic and the longer you stay in it the worse things will be for you. Even verbal abuse should not be tolerated. But once the abuse turns physical this is your cue to get out of there as soon as you can and in the safest manner possible. Does your spouse take part in controlling or manipulative behavior? If there is little to no autonomy in your relationship chances are you are being bullied. This is to make you feel inferior and project their supremacy. Does your spouse talk poorly about your in front of others? Public shaming, belittling or put downs are classic bullying behavior. Things like, “This is how much of an idiot she is…”, “He thinks he can be a real businessman, ha…” or “He thinks he’s the best handyman. Look how terrible a job he did…” are all put downs no one should put up with. Inadequacy and low self-image are two of the reasons a bully will attack others, even a spouse. Seek help, counseling and get out of this toxic relationship. No one deserves to be bullied, especially by the person they love. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock.

Why Some Women like Serial Killers

Portrait of beautiful couple

Everyone knows this story, a normal woman becomes intrigued by a serial killer and leaves her normal life to marry him. It’s true and there are countless stories. But the reasons are generally the same. They believe they can change him. Others see the hurt little child inside and want to care for and nurture that child. He can be completely faithful, in this sense the “perfect boyfriend” who is at all times only thinking about her and has no opportunity or need to be unfaithful. Though he can say he loves her, there are no messy relationship problems that will spring up and spoil what they have. The couple doesn’t have to discuss parenting or money issues. No one crosses the line or has to be held accountable for anything. Henry Lee Lucas had one eye, and a supposed sexual relationship with a drifter. Yet he had many female admirers, one who even planned to pose as his ex-girlfriend even though he had admitted to strangling her and chopping her up into little pieces. Some experts believe that a woman’s desire to be with a serial killer is equivalent to fanaticism. These women are either highly insecure or can’t go about having relationships in the normal way and so seek out a relationship that they truly can’t have.

Though, there are cases that break this scenario. Married, educated, attractive women have fallen for serial killers, some even judges and psychologists. Women who fall for these predators are usually in their thirties or forties. Their motives for getting involved with who they do often vary but both members usually protect the relationship fiercely from outsiders. There are those who say they know that the object of their affection is guilty of the heinous crimes they’ve allegedly committed. Others swear by their sweetie’s innocence. These types of relationships can seem to be devoid of all logic. Perhaps this is why some women like serial killers, that and a biological phenomenon found in primates. Females, as researchers have discovered, often prefer males who are larger, more aggressive, and even louder. These are clear-cut markers of male-ness. In humans perhaps these women see in such a powerful male something that no ordinary man can deliver. Through this male then the female is protected and even gains status. Those who want longer than their allotted fifteen minutes of fame may use it as a chance to get more exposure than they normally would as well. To learn more about the history of serial killers in America, read Natural Born Celebrities: Serial Killers in American Culture by David Schmid.