Most psychologists agree that sex is very important in a marriage. It helps create physical and emotional intimacy, human needs. But when a couple goes for a time without having sex, the longer they go the more ambivalent they feel about it and about one another. Distancing, a lack of trust and awkwardness can build up. When both partners ignore the problem or when the two fail to talk about it, and there is no exploration on pathways to become intimate, more stress is endured by the relationship. A sexless marriage therefore can lead to divorce. But it certainly doesn’t have to. If you have found yourself in a sexless marriage, try to employ some of these strategies in order to jumpstart your love life and rev things up, and get things humming in the bedroom. Many people are embarrassed about sexual issues. But the truth is if you attack the problem logically, like any other marital problem it can be observed, the phenomenon can be studied and the way forward will suddenly become clear. The first thing to do is to rule out any medical issues. A side effect for many common medications like heart medication or antidepressants is low libido. You or your spouse should talk to a doctor if you think that the issue may have something to do with the medication. Check with your pharmacist as well. What’s more, illness, side effects from a previous illness, and age-related problems can also sap sex drive. If none of these are the problem, and the issue isn’t physiological, then perhaps see if it may be psychological.
Consider counseling. A sexless marriage can be a symptom of a much deeper problem. Resentment, misplaced anger, infidelity, lack of trust or having one foot in and one foot out emotionally of the marriage can all cause a lack of intimacy. When arguments go nowhere the bond between the two is strained and sex is impossible. Seek out a licensed marriage counselor that you both trust. Therapy can definitely help you work out your issues if you are both committed to it, committed to the marriage and will take the advice the therapist gives. Now it’s time to look at how compatible your goals are. Those include goals within the boudoir and outside of it. Both partners should feel free enough with one another to talk about their wants and needs. Outside of the bedroom, what are your goals in life? What are your partner’s goals? Are you moving in the same direction or instead sailing apart? When a couple is moving in two different directions a sexless marriage may just be a warning sign of what is to come. If it’s just a matter of awkwardness, or lack of interest due to a lack of novelty, there are definitely some things you can do to rekindle that spark. Psychologists note that novel experiences taken together, such as doing something exciting like bungee jumping or white water rafting, traveling to a different place or a different country, something that gets your pulses alight and your hearts racing, can reignite that spark, both in and outside the bedroom. You’ll feel like newlyweds again.
If you want to reignite the spark inside the bedroom, try novel approaches to sex. Have a romantic dinner followed by wine or a few cocktails and enjoy your time together. Start talking about different fantasies. It’s a great way to reconnect, show trust, work together on common goals, and reconnect physically and emotionally. Get a list going and start to make plans to fulfill those goals. Do you or does your partner enjoy role play? What about elements of bondage or BDSM? In fact, a recent study found that couples who take part in BDSM have better communication, were closer and weathered storms in their relationship better. So taking part in such practices with your spouse in the comfort of your own home, or perhaps a hotel can really spice up the relationship, and let you see a side of your spouse that you perhaps never knew existed. There are books in your local bookstore. There are plenty of books online along with how-to videos, websites and more. If you can’t work it out but love each other and want to stay together, perhaps visit a sex therapist. A quick Google search can help you find licensed, reputable sex therapists in your area. You don’t have to stay in a sexless marriage. Get to the bottom of it and with some patience and lots of elbow grease, soon you won’t be able to get enough of each other. For more on this topic, pick up a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide by Michele Weiner Davis.