Some people are single because they want to be. That is a perfectly valid reason. They are at a time in their life where they don’t want a relationship. Others are single due to some trauma. Perhaps they got out of a serious relationship or dated a lot but clicked with no one. But if you’re over thirty and wondering why you may be single, perhaps there are some underlying reasons you haven’t considered. Of course, we’ve all dated terrible people. But we also have our own baggage we bring to relationships. We often don’t want to face what problems we bring. However, they can help you. The truth is love is a category that deep within has the seeds of personal growth. You’ll find that if you do have one of the following problems, unblocking the clog will only improve yourself, your love life, even perhaps your career or future prospects. For instance, due to bad relationships or other past traumas, some of us put up walls. But those defenses have their negative problems, such as making you emotionally unavailable, or have trouble being vulnerable and thus suffering from a lack of intimacy. We can blame being single on others, but if your defenses are up you may not be as open as you think you are.
Those that have their defenses up don’t always pick the best partners. If they had parents who were standoffish or negligent they will pick someone who is aloof and distant. And what kind of relationship is that? It’s almost doomed to failure, or at least to be unfulfilling. A relationship can bring up feelings of insecurity, which can make you push a good partner; someone you fear is getting too close, away. Pushing this person away only allows for your negative self-image to continue unabated. It may make you less fearful in the short term. In the long term you will be picking the wrong partners and will not experience intimacy. Intimacy is a kind of openness and interconnectedness flowing between both partners. And if one or both partners’ fears becoming open, intimacy is not available. Some people who fear intimacy become picky and way too judgmental. They let a high set of standards be their wall to detract potential suitors and keep anyone they could be intimate with away. Low self-esteem can also get us to date the wrong people. Here the standards are too low. You convince yourself someone who is interested in you really isn’t, or won’t be for long. But only date people who aren’t emotionally available or are cold and distant, thinking that this is what you deserve. Dig deep. Look at your romantic history and see if there is a pattern. Talk to your close friends and confidants; they’ll know. And you’ll soon be on the way to insight, well-adjustment and a healthy love life. For more on this topic read, It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel.