According to a new survey conducted by extramarital affair site Victoria Milan, most cheaters want it all. 76% had a lover on the side yet still wanted to have sex with their spouse or current partner. 69% of respondents said the thought of leaving their partner hasn’t even crossed their mind. 85% of those that took the survey said their lover didn’t make a good partner for the long haul. Those who took lovers but still remained in marriages or long term relationships said that love, stability, security and satisfaction were all reasons why they would never leave their spouse or partner. In tandem with the release of the survey’s results, Victoria Milan CEO Sigurd Verdal made a statement, “If you have a good relationship with your partner, if there is still love and affection, if he or she is a good parent and they are part of a good family group, cheaters are not necessarily looking to break up when they look for a lover. They just want to add a bit of passion and adventure back into their lives.” So the question remains, is it right for cheaters to stay in a long term relationship, even a marriage while still wanting passion in their lives? Can cheating ever be right or is it always wrong no matter what the situation is?
Certainly if the primary relationship is good than it is truly callous and narcissistic to have a lover on the side and hide it from your partner. If the marriage is an open relationship, rules have to be laid down and stuck to if the marriage is going to survive. However, are most people cheating opportunists or is there something terribly wrong in their primary relationships that they must seek love, compassion, passion, sex or all of the above outside of it? Surely those living in sexless marriages where there is no longer an emotional connection but the couple wants to stay together to avoid the pain and financial hardship of a divorce have a right to have these things in their lives. In fact, their spouse may agree to each person finding happiness outside the confines of marriage. But to cheat behind someone’s back as mere opportunism is morally reprehensible. Trust is the cornerstone of any long-term relationship and cheating can damage that trust, perhaps irreparably. Instead, if the spark is gone, before straying reconnect with your partner. Try to bring the spark alive. Reopen the lines of communication. Show them compassion and expect it in return. Work through issues. In the bedroom communicate your fantasies and try to make them come true. Find out what your partner is into and fulfill one of theirs. Then expect them to do the same. Try novel experiences in and out of the bedroom. Reinvest in your relationship and you will more than likely find that what you need is all right there, and these experiences can reinvigorate your relationship, develop your connection and deepen your bond. To reinvest in your marriage or long-term relationship, be sure to read I Still Do – Tips for Saving Your Marriage, Preventing Divorce and Rekindling that Flame by Joshua Osenga.