What to Do if You are in Love With a Liar

shutterstock_277073900Most people say they can’t stand lying. But some let themselves be swayed by a singsong voice that soothes them into submission. Allow yourself to be wooed too long, and you will only be endangered to further and perhaps more significant mistruths. Remember that trust is the single most important quality to any relationship. If you don’t have that, you really don’t have anything. Still, some people lead with their heart instead of their head. They justify every action, word, and behavior, and end up crying their eyes out, wondering where they went wrong, while all the others around them huff, and silently say to themselves, “Told you so.” Even when things carry on and the liar gets away with it, this behavior slowly boils the relationship away. The deep, hot embers of anger, resentment, confusion, and mistrust will sooner or later cause a conflagration sure to burn everything away. Some people bury their feelings for years. But sooner or later they will resurface again and wreak havoc. Of course, to let go of an out and out liar, you first have to determine whether or not this is true. Weigh the facts against their justifications and see if they measure up. If you do find you are in love with a liar, this is how you proceed.

First determine the extent of the lie. Was it a little white lie to hurt your feelings? If so, they probably just care about you, and you might be a stickler for what is and is not considered a lie. Was it to not inconvenience you? This person may lack self-esteem, and have a hard time establishing themselves. They may be trying too hard to make you happy, and forget to advocate for or even explain what it is that they want. Instead, they think they know what you want, and they advocate for it. If this is the case, sit down with them and have a long talk. Put them at ease. Let them know that you understand their intentions, but that they need to be honest for this to work, and that you want them to also get what they need out of this relationship. Was it something to do with their ex, or someone of the opposite sex texting them? Were they calling or hanging out without you knowing? Chances are they are considering being with this person. They may be a player or they may be subconsciously drawn to this other person, while at the same time fighting their true feelings. The best thing to do is to extricate yourself and wish them all the best. You want to be the center of someone’s attention, not just picking at the scraps after another has finished with them.

Do they shower string of lies upon you? Determine whether this person is a compulsive liar or a pathological one. A compulsive liar does this for perceived, self-preservation. A pathological liar does so in order to continue to leech off of you, or society. Either way, such behavior does not bode well for any relationship. Get out while you still can. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the sweeping romance of a feeling or in being with a person, or love being a part of the story they portray. But if you get enchanted by their siren song they are likely to lead you into murky waters, from the depths which you may never return. Generally speaking, you can be devastated by infidelity, chronically anxious—never knowing what they are doing, who they are with, or where they have been, or cleaned out of house and home, and find no funds in the bank account. If you are with someone who is a liar, consider how they lie. What are their motivations? What are they doing it for? This along with some fact finding and evidence gathering can help you to find the truth. But stick with the reality of the situation, and if it’s right to leave them, do so and never look back. In hindsight, you’ll be so glad you did.

In the aftermath of such an affair be sure to read, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier.

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