Why You Aren’t Finding Anyone You Have Chemistry With

Dating wasn’t any level of hell in Dante’s Inferno. But it can sure feel like one sometimes. We generally think it’s a natural process. It’s all about chemistry. You meet someone. You like them. They like you and boom! The magic happens. Cue music. Except it doesn’t always work that way. Not in real life. Sometimes you date someone and they drop off the face of the planet, right when things were just getting interesting. What was it a fear of commitment? Did they meet someone else or get back with their ex? Or else they owed money to the mob. There isn’t much you can do at this point, except pick yourself up and keep going. Then there is for some a worse situation, a kind of dating purgatory. This is when you meet people all the time. You date and date and don’t have chemistry with any of them. What do you do? Some say chemistry is over-rated. It is compatibility you are looking for. Chemistry fades as soon as the “honeymoon phase” has worn off. Then if compatibility isn’t there, there are few things to keep the couple together. Others think you should hold out for someone who knocks you off your feet. So what is the best way forward if you aren’t finding chemistry with anyone you are dating?

You shouldn’t spend a significant amount of time with someone just because you want someone there. But if you have been on a significant number of dates or spent time with lots of would-be suitors and have no feelings at all toward any of them, consider where you are. What is your selection process like? Are you being too picky? Sometimes we want everything in a mate and refuse to settle. But we forget that each of us is a human being. We all have our faults. Consider giving it a rest for now. Focus on yourself. Then come back at it fresh. But begin looking at your dating life from another point of view. Some people are very goal oriented. But one’s love life rarely fits into the plans we’ve made for it. Usually, we say we want something specific and someone comes along and mucks it all up. There are those who have started to realize that their choices in past lovers may have not been the best. Chemistry can sometimes push us toward those who are not healthy for us. It is best to resist it then. But don’t think you will be stuck in limbo forever. Your system only has to be reconnoitered. Just be patient and wait for someone who gives you that “wow” factor and is also good for you.

There are those who find that nerves get in the way. It is often those people who are very reserved. Others are shy and introverted and take time to get used to others. Chemistry cannot be formed when one is experiencing high anxiety, or when one’s date is. Spend a little time with the person who is nice but whom you aren’t sure about. If you or they are nervous or seem to be, spend time in a setting that is comfortable for the uncomfortable person, on their home turf. If you just aren’t sure about them and nervousness doesn’t factor in, try and see them from a different vantage point. A new context or different environment can bring out other sides of a person, ones you may be more attracted to or less so. Take them out with friends, bring them along on a hike or do some volunteer work together. Realize that compatibility with a little bit of chemistry makes for a better long-term relationship than the other way around. You can do novel things together to turn that spark into an inferno. But compatibility on the other hand is an either have it or you don’t scenario. Realize that a love life just doesn’t work the way other aspects of our life like family, friends, or our career does. Those things are relatively straightforward. But a vibrant love life takes patience, confidence, and a great attitude and the ability to start over, to come out the other side unscathed and smiling. Just be yourself. Be happy, open, curious, and practice nonjudgment towards others. Sooner or later someone you fancy will be knocking on your heart’s door. For more on better ways to travail the often bitter landscape of the human heart readThe Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want by Talane Miedaner.

How to Tell Your Partner You are Bi-Curious

 

Though still stigmatized, bisexuality is becoming more accepted in our culture. Moreover, people in long term relationships are starting to feel freer to explore different interests and emotions associated with their sexuality. In days gone by these feelings were most often suppressed. If they were acted upon it was hidden and never spoken about. But today, those in long-term relationships want to open up to one another about their true sexuality. One can say that in a way, true love is being accepted by one’s partner as one truly is, while reciprocating this acceptance to the beloved. Discovering and exploring your sexuality together is a way to really get to know yourself and your partner, keep the spark alive, and grow closer. Today, couples feel more comfortable exploring BDSM, tantra, role playing, and much more. But what happens when you are bi-curious? Springing on your plus one that you wish to be tied up, or want to play student and teacher is one thing. But wanting to have a sexual interaction of someone of the same sex is another. First, realize that this experience is actually quite common, for women and men. It was Alfred Kinsey’s pioneering 1950’s research into human sexuality that uncovered that bisexuality was more common than first surmised. Psychologist Eric Erickson later found that sexuality instead of being a dichotomy, is actually a spectrum. Each of us falls somewhere in between heterosexuality and homosexuality.

The next thing to determine is how bi-curious you are. How strong are these impulses and interest? Do you fantasize about other men or women? Do you like seeing their bodies? Consider how often you appreciate those of the same sex. Do you watch videos about it? Do you read articles online? How often do you fantasize about it? There is a difference between a mild fantasy that bubbles up to the surface now and then, and a strong attraction or desire. Have you ever had a crush on a person of the same sex? Ever kissed someone or gone farther? The farther you have gone, the more it is a part of your psyche, and the more pertinent it is to share with your partner. Once you have determined your level of bi-curiosity, consider how far you want to go with it. Is it something you truly want to explore? Each of us are sexual creatures. Exploring our sexuality freely without judgment but curiosity, devoid of shame but with enthusiasm, is part of becoming a fully actualized adult, and loving your authentic self. Learn to embrace this new interest. Do some research. Read articles and consider how far you feel comfortable going.

Now consider your partner. How open are they to the subject of bi-curiosity. Consider how they may take the news. Some people are interested in letting their partner explore their sexuality with another. Others would only enjoy the prospect in the course of a ménage-a-trios. Otherwise, they would feel left out. But of course, these are important concerns. Are you up for a threesome, or only comfortable exploring on your own? If the latter, you are leaving your partner out, which may drive a wedge between you. Consider a nuanced negotiation. Then there is the emotional side. Some people cannot take their partner having emotional intimacy with someone outside the primary relationship. They consider it cheating. Evaluate how your partner will feel. But if this is a marriage or a long-term relationship, it is best that you discuss these feelings with your partner. Perhaps start out slow. You can point out people of the same sex you think are attractive from time to time and ask your partner their opinion. Feel them out. Most couples find this harmless fun. Then perhaps ask them what they would think if you kissed someone of the same sex. Over time, you can work into the conversation so it doesn’t come as such a shock. If this does not work with your partner, go for the direct approach. One day when you are both relaxed and spending time together, let them know about your feelings or a fantasy that you had. You might want to preface it with how much you love and adore them, how precious they are to you, how much you enjoy making love to them, and how attractive they are. This is to assuage their ego and allow them to not feel threatened.

Then you also want to know about these other feelings, who and what you find attractive, what experiences you have had in the past, and if or how you want to act upon these feelings. Just have a conversation about it. Let them ask any questions. If you get a negative reaction, give them some time. Allow them to mull over and sort through their feelings for a while, and revisit the issue later on. Understand that many couples go through this, and it is perfectly natural. Find out what level of interaction is safe, comfortable, exciting, and conducive to the relationship. Keep talking about it, and thinking about. Your sex life is an ever unfolding process not a destination. Enjoy the ride. For more pick up a copy of The Bisexual Option Fritz Klein MD.

How to Date Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

There are some beautiful, fascinating, magnetic people who just so happen to have borderline personality disorder (BD). That said, the disorder itself can pose unique challenges to a relationship. It is important at the onset to have a well-developed sense of what the disorder is and how it affects that special someone you are dating, before you decide to commit to him or her. BD is actually quite common, affecting tens of millions in the U.S. alone. It uniquely affects interpersonal relationships, so you will continually be in the line of fire. Those with BD have unstable emotions, behaviors, and an ever-changing self-image. They can be paranoid, moody, and impulsive and may take part in risky behavior or those that result in self-injury, such as cutting, substance abuse, suicide attempts, and risky sexual behavior. Usually, it begins in early adulthood. Those with BD are sensitive to environmental or social changes, and often equate them to a fear of rejection. They also carry a fear of abandonment, and experience intermittent and irrational outbursts of anger. Those with BD can have a series of intense and unstable romantic relationships. The condition is more prevalent in women. As one ages, symptoms generally decrease. By the time one is in their 40s or 50s the most extreme behaviors are usually, completely gone. Borderline is treated through medication and long-term psychotherapy.

Most people who have someone special in their life who has borderline say they do not care what the persons suffers, but just want to be there for them and support them. Realize that he or she is lucky to have you. Still, it is important to know what you are dealing with, and to see if the person needs more help than they are getting. For those moving forward with a relationship with someone who has borderline, here is some advice on how to make it as pleasurable as possible, and mitigate any possible situations that could arise. People with BD can take up all of your time and energy. Reserve some of each for yourself. Otherwise, you will feel drained all the time. You may even feel that you are losing your identity. You cannot truly be there for your partner if you yourself are in dire need of some TLC. Talk with your partner in depth about the time you need to yourself, and perhaps to spend with friends. Remind them that it is just to refresh your batteries. Keep in mind, you have to take extra special care so that they do not see it as abandonment. Still, don’t let them take that time away from you, either.

Establish boundaries early and consistently. BD sufferers can sometimes test boundaries. In any relationship boundaries are important, or else we carry resentment in our hearts, which will eventually leach into and poison the relationship itself. Do not over-react to your partner. Those with BD generally go straight to emotional extremes. But if you continually get caught up in this, you will be enabling them. This will devolve into a classic codependent relationship. When your partner approaches you in an emotional tizzy, take a step back. Stay calm. Establish the facts, and piece together the picture. Just because they have BD, doesn’t mean you can label them. Do not hold it over their head, or categorize everything as a symptom of the disorder. Each person is different. It is best to hang back at first and see what their patterns are, before you decide what is a symptom and what is part of who they are. When your partner says hurtful things to you, ignore them. Realize that this is the disorder talking. Consider whether you can handle such a relationship. You will have to have a high level of self-esteem, be able to handle situations, and not take things too personally. Everyone has their own issues, and these will always leak into a romantic relationship. You just have to consider which you can work with, and what you can’t. But for those who can handle a BD partner, having the right mindset and tools in your toolbox makes things so much easier.

For more pick up a copy ofI Hate You–Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus.

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Possible Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Some people are lone wolves. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it can feel like a life filled with freedom. But most of us are searching around for our other half. After a bad relationship, being single can feel liberating. But for most of us, there are certain instances where being single can make you feel lonely too. Times like getting a table for one at a restaurant, going on vacation by yourself, going to a wedding without a date, or sitting in a movie theater before the film starts, while happy, contented couples are yapping away. You begin to wonder why a great person like you could possibly be single. After a while a dry spell, or dating lots of people but where nobody stands out, can get tiresome. So if you are in the doldrums of love, what’s the deal? How do you get the squalls of passion bellowing through your life once again? Why are you still single? It could one of several reasons. Some people have opened up and gotten hurt in the past. They carry that around with them and it weighs them down. At other times, their last relationship left a negative residue on them that they can’t seem to rub off. Whatever the case, some daters are defensive. But by being this way you are repelling worthwhile candidates. Try to let go of bitterness. Find your fun, flirty self once again. Take a personal journey inward and let out your inner child come out to play. If you can bring out your fun side, you will be radiating positive energy and the right people will be drawn to you.

Next, think about the type of person you are attracted to. Are they good for you? Are these healthy relationships you have been having? Some people are attracted to the wrong type. They like the bad boy or bad girl, and think they can change him or her. It usually takes only a few times to find out the only person you can truly change is yourself. There are those who have a nurturing aspect to their personality. They are givers. They give and give and get upset when their partner cannot return as much as they put out. These givers need takers. But in a relationship both parties have to try and meet one another somewhere near the middle. One person has to learn how to give, the other to receive. For many their partner’s efforts are never enough. This could be true, or it could be a case of unrealistic expectations. Each should be recognized for his or her own capacities. In fact, one of the greatest parts of true, unadulterated love is being able to see another person for how they truly are, recognizing them faults and all, and accepting and love them regardless. But you have to find someone whose faults you can come to terms with and vice versa. That can be tricky but worth investing in.

Besides being too picky, falling into unhealthful patterns, and fearing intimacy, some people have a low self-esteem. They settle for those they really are not into, thinking that they cannot attract those they want. But these daters are always dissatisfied in their love life. The best thing to do is to learn to love yourself, work on yourself first. The most attractive people of all are those who are completely self-possessed. They are absolutely comfortable in their own skin. There are those who fear being humiliated through trying to date when they feel too old or no longer attractive. But love at any stage in life can bring with it tremendous joy. It also motivates us to be better people. We want to bridge the gap, invest in ourselves, and impress someone who has potential. But always remember that the first and most important person to love is yourself. Heal yourself. Invest in your journey. Fall in love with yourself and life all over again. If you do, your heart will glow like a beacon calling your beloved forth.

For more such advice read, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever by Susan Page.

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

Should You Let Your Lover Visit a Dominatrix?

We often think of sexuality as a solid set of likes, desires, and characteristics. But as we grow and develop, our interests might change or deepen. Especially today with so much access to sexual material on the internet, and a looser attitude toward sexuality in general, people feel free to explore experiences and fetishes they may not have otherwise communicated. But this puts the monogamous relationship in a particular bind. Sometimes two people get together with very different thresholds of what is acceptable in the bedroom and what is not. What makes it doubly difficult is that many people do not find this out until later on, after the nuance of what the BDSM community calls “vanilla sex” has worn off. Usually one person gets comfortable with the repertoire, while the other gets bored with it. Another thing that sometimes happens is one person gets interested in a particular fetish, or certain aspect of BDSM, or finally feels comfortable enough to share their other-than-straight-sex interest. At this point, the vanilla loving partner gets freaked out. They may go through a point of insecurity, wondering if they are enough for the kinkier partner, which one hopes they are assured that they are. But then things come to a point where, each person has to ask, what do you do with this fetish or fascination if the other partner is disinterested, or unwilling to fulfill it? Should you let your partner visit a dominatrix for instance?

First of all, take a step back for a minute and realize that for your partner to divulge this to you, your relationship must have good communication. That speaks to a strong bond and a deep well of trust. These are not things to be taken lightly. Often the emotional paradigm and the sexual one are not at the same level. We may be getting all that we need and more in terms of emotional needs, but a preoccupation or overwhelming desire is waiting in the wings. This is a solid relationship. But the fetish if ignored is not going to go away. Instead, it will fester underneath the surface. You do not want to put your lover in a position where they may feel desire to cheat. Reconsider their fetish. Is it really something you do not wish to take part in? Perhaps you can have a playtime for the kinky one, and straight sex for the vanilla partner. If you are totally against taking part, consider allowing them to see a professional. There is no actual sexual interaction between the dominatrix and her client. It is really about focusing on the fetish itself, and fulfilling that desire. It may even make the relationship happier.

Do not think after years of marriage that you have your partner all figured out. Sexuality is a constantly evolving thing. It is one of the aspects after all, that keeps sex interesting. What the practice of tantra but also of BDSM teaches us is curiosity and compassion. Instead of acting out of fear or judgment, push these thoughts aside. Instead, move forward with curiosity. What is it about this act or fetish that they find so appealing? Where does it stem from? Through sexuality we can learn a lot about our partner’s psychology and our own. Supplant judgment with curiosity. Support your partner in their explorations. Set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Allow yourself the freedom to explore some fantasies and kinks of your own, and tell your partner about them. Make plans to have them fulfilled. Being open, honest, flexible, practice superb communication, and be responsive to our partner’s needs. This is what being in a long-term relationship is all about. Do not allow them to go if you have misgivings. Talk it out, until you both feel comfortable. You may even want to meet the dominatrix in the flesh. Whatever the situation, remember to make your relationship your own. Don’t try to fit into some preconceived mold of what you think it should be. Instead, make your relationship a place where both of you can be happy and yourselves.

For those who have changed their mind, and want to give it a shot read Dominatrix 101: The Good Girl’s Quick Guide to Dominating Her Man by Rebecca Lawson.