What to Do if You Are Attracted to Someone Toxic

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Why is it that some of us find those who aren’t good for us the most attractive? Is it the allure of forbidden fruit? Bad boys and girls can get your engine running. But for some it goes deeper. It is the mistaken fantasy that the sheer power of your love will burst the indelicate façade and a proper mate will burst forth. Being stung by such a false inclination more times than one can count could will leave him or her rethinking their approach to love. Sometimes there is something about this person that you just can’t seem to turn away from. They have a sort of magnetic energy over you that you cannot break. But is it they themselves, the way they make you feel, or a pattern from the past? At the same time, they have some sort of deep character flaw that makes them toxic to you . They can be inconsistent, verbally abusive, and put you through so many ups and downs that you feel like you’ve been on a carnival ride. It is like you are addicted to them.  You literally are as emotional highs and lows create neuropeptides in the brain that mimic actual, physical addiction. But you can also break it. You can get out of this situation and get to a healthier place in your life. Here is some perspective and what to do if you are hopelessly attracted to someone toxic.

Usually, we get to a point where we realize intellectually that we have to get away from this person. But experts say this neurochemical attachment makes breaking up with them like ending an addiction. Think of it like that. You are going through withdrawal. Next, look at your personalities. Are you co-dependent? Is your complete focus of your life on the object of your affection? What about your lover, are they narcissistic? This is a common pairing psychologists say. Usually, if you can start to piece together the objective details of your relationship, and the pattern of past ones, you can start to see how things are working from a cerebral level, and they start to lose their power over you. The co-dependent actually drive this kind of relationship, due to their fear of flying solo. Then there are those who feel that life has painted them in a corner. They want someone to rescue them. But no one is attracted to someone who is needy. Instead, it is when a person is independent and emotionally strong that their inner glow calls a worthy lover forward. Come to understand why it is you keep going back to someone who is obviously no good for you, or reliving the same pattern with the wrong lovers. The quicker you can identify where this behavior stems whether it is not feeling attractive, not feeling worthy, or settling instead of being alone, the faster you can begin to find the way back, cut this relationship out of your life, and heal.

Find ways to love yourself. Invest in yourself. Find places you want to improve and make plans. As for the relationship, distance yourself from the person. Don’t feed into their negativity. Realize that is just their own fear of commitment and insecurities that makes them toxic. Start to recognize their actions over their words. Take a look at their friends, their job, their family, and where they really are in life. Chances are it is not an enviable position in the wider view. When you step out of it, and look at them from another angle, it often makes you see them in a whole new way, and breaks the spell. Remember to reinvest in yourself and the love you want, that your heart yearns for will be there when you are finally ready

For more on this read, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

Each couple is unique, and so are the ways their relationships end. But there are patterns. Some couples have known for a long time things haven’t been working out. For others, one person surprises the other. In this case the shock can be earth-shattering. Being rejected by someone you felt so close to, and loved enough to marry (at least once upon a time) can tear you apart. An orderly and predictable life is now tossed into chaos. Everything has to be rearranged with the person you would least like to spend another minute with. Even after the arrangements and agreements, perhaps court battles, are over, and the grieving done, challenges do not evaporate. People may think you are alright at this stage. But for many of the newly divorced, moving forward remains difficult. A large portion of one’s identity has died and he or she has to find out what they can do to fill the void, how to rebuild themselves and make a life anew. That is scary. Such a large form of rejection, for those who were walked away from, can leave deep wounds in the ego that must be healed. And those who have been burned often have trouble reigniting their love life as trust remains an issue. It is not an easy time. But rest assured, you can get through it and find happiness again. Here is some advice on how to pick yourself up after a divorce and build the kind of life you want.

Fall in love with yourself again. Begin by making a list of your good qualities. What characteristics do you have that others admire or emulate? What skills do you possess that make you unique? One of the hardest parts of a divorce is reinventing yourself. We get used to the thought of being married. It becomes a part of our identity. Now it is time to reshape that identity. And the way to do that is to come to a better understanding of who you are, who it is you want to be, and what about yourself you want to project to the world. Dig deep and find what makes you happy, really deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Do you want to own your own business? Go back to school? Wish to totally change careers? Want to author the next great novel or see the world? Understand that as a single person, you have more freedom. You do not have to check in with anyone. You can also reinvent yourself without someone holding you back. A divorce is an ending, sure. But it is also a new beginning. Don’t waste a second chance at new and better life. A divorce may even in hindsight a blessing in disguise, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Reach out to those close to you if you are having a hard time. Sometimes it really helps just talking things over, or bouncing ideas off of someone you trust. Another problem is it can be difficult to meet someone new. Be patient. Online dating can take some time, and be hit or miss. Just work with a one or two websites or a site and an app. Don’t use them together for more than an hour each day. But lots of people have met online. Send out feelers offline too. Shake your social tree and see what singles drop out. It can’t hurt to ask a couple of close friends if they know anyone who is single. Chances are you and the recommended will get along well together. And you have someone in common, so there’s an ice breaker already in hand. Just don’t blame your friend, or feel guilty should it does not work out. Consider what kind of frequency you are emitting into the world. Are you a magnetic ray of sunshine, or a dark and scowling raincloud? You need to feel your authentic emotions, but when you come to that point where the real suffering is over, undo your negativity. Step out of the shadows and examine them. Set out to find their root causes and ways to unravel them. Find a way to radiate light and happiness and you will naturally attract the mate you seek. Build a better you, and a higher quality love interest should soon be at your side.

For more on overcoming divorce and other devastating life experiences read, You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death by Louise L. Hay and David Kessler.

Letting Go of a Bad Relationship

 

If you’ve done everything you can to reinvest in a relationship, but nothing is working or you are the only one trying, it may be time to let go of that bad relationship.

The point of a relationship is support, nurturing, caring, affection, fun, intimacy and above all love. But many relationships devolve into a war of enemies instead of a pursuit shared by loving partners. If you’ve done everything you can to reinvest in a relationship, but nothing is working or you are the only one trying, it may be time to let go of that bad relationship.

First, realize that a relationship is merely a psychological and social construct. There are no wires attached. Sure, if you are filing for divorce, or if you cohabitate and share a bank account there are going to be logistics to work out. There always will be. But by and large it’s all in your head, and the head of the other person. Once you start thinking of the relationship as over and start making plans, planning out the steps, and begin to execute them, viola it’s over. If you want to let go of a bad relationship, start thinking about it as over. That’s the first step. Make sure you outline clearly why it is ending. Have it clear in your mind. Lots of people will be asking why it ended. Your significant other will want to know too. Start making plans on how to address the issue with them. You want a clear go-to statement in your head because if they are manipulative or persuasive they may start trying to convince you to stay. Having a clear reason and clear cut incidents to call to mind will help you stay true to your decision and not back pedal, only to go through the same process again later.

Decide to what level you trust them. People break up for different reasons. Was it infidelity? Just falling out of love? Was there abuse? Or is the relationship just not going anywhere? A breach of trust is the worst kind of breakup. They may have stolen, lied or cheated. With this situation you have to be particularly careful. If you have a joint bank account and you think your soon-to-be-ex might clear it out, take your money out of there first. Secure any valuables you have at their place or if you cohabitate. Wait until they go out first. You’ll have to be sneaky but it’s better than getting ripped off. Don’t get revenge by stealing their stuff or taking their money. You will hurt your own reputation. It might be illegal. And then instead of standing up for you people will think that you are the bad guy. If your significant other is abusive or manipulative and you just can’t seem to shake them, elicit the help of a friend. Have them with you when it is time to break up or go over their place to get your stuff. If even this won’t help, clear out your stuff when they aren’t home. Then call them when they get home from work and explain to them what is happening and why. You don’t have to do it in person if they are going to hurt you or suck you in again. They don’t deserve that respect. You are doing it this way to protect yourself. Next grieve but don’t get stuck in it. Let it unravel naturally. Then work on healing.

Ending the Affair

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Ending the Affair

An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.

It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.

Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.

Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.

Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

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Don’t let a Selfish Partner Hurt you

It may be hard to recognize the selfish, at least at first. Oftentimes they are social butterflies. Everyone loves and adores them. And everyone wants to cater to them, including you. But as time goes on and the charm starts to wear, as you get to peek more and more below the surface sometimes you start to see that this person’s whole world revolves around them. There isn’t room for you at all. You find yourself giving more and more, but they never return your energy or affection like they should. Instead, they suck you dry like a psychic vampire.

Don’t let a selfish partner hurt you. First, realize when a person is selfish and when you haven’t communicated your needs with them fully. Perhaps they don’t know what you want or how to fulfil your needs. Be patient. Communicate in lots of ways. See if they have a need to fulfill your desires but don’t know how to go about it. Help them. If they find excuses or are too resistant chances are they are selfish. But oftentimes one person in a relationship thinks the other should automatically know what they want. No one automatically knows what anyone wants. It isn’t a sign of love or not loving. It just means you have to learn to communicate your needs effectively.

Next, consider what the speech or behavior they are exhibiting is and if it is in fact selfish. What things do you do for them? Make a list. See what things they do for you. How does the list measure up? Some people look to date those that they can manipulate to get their own needs, wants and desires fulfilled without any concern or regard for the other person. Does this sound familiar? In a normal relationship the power dynamic is equal. But if you never do what you want to do, never go to the restaurants you want, never see the movie you want, never visit your family, and always undercut your desires to that of your partner, that person is indeed selfish. Your partner is probably convinced of how great they are and how lucky you are to have them. They think you need them and should get down on your knees and thank the heavens for putting them in your life. Talk about nerve.

If you think you are constantly being manipulated by a selfish person and no matter how many times you confront them, or try to get them to change, they don’t, make plans to end the relationship. Start drifting from them physically and emotionally. Detach from them. If they start freaking out show them the behavior you have to put up with. Use their words against them. Make it really uncomfortable for them. Then approach them about splitting up. Chances are they will be happy about it by then. No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren’t having fun, where they are being used. So turn the tables on them with coldness and you will have your freedom soon enough. For more advice read, Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.