Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Should You Break up With Someone if You Aren’t Sexually Compatible?

Human sexuality was not a topic broached in America for most of its history. It wasn’t until the Kinsey Report in the 1950’s that we started talking about sex. This is also when we started to learn how wide and varied a spectrum human sexuality actually is. Sex is important in a relationship, and an integral part of human life. It helps couples stay connected. When a couple is not having sex, it usually speaks to some unresolved issue brewing underneath the surface. So if you used to have good sex together, but it somewhere fell apart, it is important that both of you sit down and work it out together, without any blame, guilt, or shame. Just try to find out where you went off the rails, and what you can do to get back on again. For those who believe that they are not sexually compatible from the start, or that once the honeymoon phase wore off, things fell apart, take a look at what the problem is. Each person should be able to explain to each other calmly and rationally why it is not working. Couples can have all sorts of sexual issues that put strain on their relationship. But many of these can be worked out, so that the couple can enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.

One common problem is the frequency of sex. Oftentimes, one person has a stronger libido than the other. This libidinal differential can be overcome in many ways. One is the one person who is less interested clear away presumptions and see if they can get in the mood. What turns this person on? Is it a certain kind of talk or atmosphere? Try and build that atmosphere and incorporate those aspects that they like, and see if they can get turned on. But if it does not work, perhaps some other accommodation can be made. No one should be forced to have sex against their will. Everyone has the right to sovereignty over their own body. That said, there may be other ways to please the libidinous lover in a way that is mutually acceptable such as digital stimulation, oral sex, body contact, watching while they masturbate and engaging in dirty talk, and more. A total lack of libido is often a symptom of a deeper psychological issue such as depression, or a physical one, such as a side effect of a certain medication. The appropriate person should get checked out if this is the case.

Another problem could be competing roles. Usually in the bedroom one person likes to be dominant, the other submissive. There are a scant few who are known as “switches” who can go equally both ways. But what do you do if you both want to be dominant or submissive? Why not take turns? Remember that giving your lover the kind of sex they want is a gift. It speaks to your generosity as a lover. What’s more, being able to grow beyond our comfort zone or normal mode of operation from time to time helps us to test our boundaries, and ultimately grow as a person. If it is a specific sex act your partner does not want to engage in, like oral sex, consider how important it is to you. Can you really not live without it? Most couples take it out of their performance and move on to things they are mutually interested in. But if you cannot live without it, you may have to talk about other arrangements, or just find a new partner. Another difference that can come up are “comfort creatures” who know what they like and want to stick with it, versus “thrill seekers” who get bored with repetition, and desire novelty in the bedroom. How do you negotiate this situation? The best thing to do is to each of you explain what your fantasies are, and find places where you can compromise. Another option is to negotiate. “I will do (blank) for you if you do (blank) for me.” Find ways to have both novelty and safety, like role playing and wearing different costumes. It is still you, but it isn’t. That way you both get what you want.

To learn more read, Marriage and Sex Box Set: Best Prescriptions on Keeping the Flame Ablaze and Maintaining a Happy Bond (Relationship Advice & Marriage Help) by Sheila Butler and Cassandra Levy.

 

Marry for the Right Reasons

Marry for the Right Reasons

Lots of girls fantasize about their wedding day where she will look gorgeous, and take the princely man of her dreams as his lawfully wedded wife. It is a spectacular event mimicking the fairy tales of childhood. The wedding industry perpetuates this myth and is rewarded handsomely for doing so. Whether it is a deeply fulfilling, edifying experience or not after the honeymoon is over, and moving forward into life depends upon a lot of things. If it is a marriage of two well developed, sound, and self-actualized equals, the marriage while still needing lots of work, and tender, loving care, but will be by and large a happy one. Trouble is lots of women and men too marry for the wrong reasons. This is where things get into trouble. Because whatever one person’s problems are, instead of being muted by the marriage, it is amplified by it. Each person’s problems affect the other, and is reflected back on one another, affecting the relationship as a whole. Marriage unfortunately is never a solution to problems. It only makes them worse. It is like those people who to try and solve the problems of a relationship by having a child, never thinking that the extra stresses that child brings could only make things worse. So make sure you marry for the right reasons, and avoid a painful divorce. Here are some reasons not to get married.

Some people marry to escape a bad situation at home. They have abusive or neglectful parents. Perhaps their closest family members ignore or criticize them. Though flight may be a solution, throwing one’s self into a marriage will only compound your issues. In this scenario their selection process may not be so well honed. They are thinking of the situation they are escaping, instead of carefully vetting their partner to see if this person is who they want to spend the rest of their life with. Some people get married because it just seems like the next logical step. Maybe they were high school sweethearts, and have a long history together. Their parents get along. They have a good group of friends, and everyone seems to be expecting them to tie the knot. But when we enter our twenties, we start to mature quite a bit. Those who marry so young often feel cheated, like they missed out on some great experiences in life. The two may also grow apart. Sometimes these relationships last. But usually, each person ends up going in their own separate direction. If you are young, wait and if it is right, go for it. But even with older people, if you do not in your heart feel that marriage is right, and are doing it just because it is expected, you may not give the marriage your all. Your partner will feel it, and so will you. And this will taint the relationship.

You should never get married to fix your soon-to-be spouse. If one person’s says he or she cannot live without the other, will even kill themselves if the other leaves, marriage is only going to make this situation worse. You cannot fix anyone and you cannot save anyone. The only person who can truly save someone is themselves. They have to come to the realization that their path is wrong and they need help. Unless you are a certified psychologist, though you may be savvy with people, begin to realize that this is beyond your scope. When we get married, we more or less take on the emotional baggage and psychological trauma the other has faced, and this is reciprocal. This situation is draining when one has serious issues to address. The saver spends all their time on the savee, who becomes a suck on their energy, and their life. No one in this situation can develop as a person, and the martyr gets stunted as a result. Both people will end up resenting one another and the marriage implodes.

Lastly, do not get married just to have company and avoid being alone. These are the folks that always had someone. But later in life when the demands of career, perhaps children, and a lack of meeting someone new put them through a dry spell. They fear going home to an empty apartment, and the approach of the weekend fills them with dread. But this is roulette. This person is likely to marry the first lover who shows any interest. They may be compatible. Or they may end up being toxic to one another. When one has issues with abandonment, familial issues, obsessive guilt, or moves from outward expectation instead of inward motivation, a marriage is shaky from the beginning. Become someone who is comfortable in their own skin, and find a partner you love but are also compatible with, and your marriage, while it will have its ups and downs, will be a happy one built to last. Otherwise there is painful litigation, the splitting up of assets, child custody battles, and a lot of emotional turmoil to look forward to. Understand that the person you choose to marry can uplift you to the firmament, or send you crashing down into the abyss. Choose wisely.

For more pick up a copy of, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married by Gary D Chapman.

 

How to Get Your Partner to Give You Some Time to Yourself

How to Get Your Partner to Give You Some Time to Yourself

Most of us whether consciously or not come to love with all sorts of presuppositions. We have a preconceived notion of what it is like to be in the perfect relationship, what the opposite sex is really like, what a marriage should be, and so on. But living it, that’s a whole other thing. Though we often assume that being together all of the time is a sign of a healthy relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over our needs change. That is only natural. In this next phase, each of us needs some time apart from our partner. Coupledom comes with all different kinds of interactions. You do not have to be Siamese twins to share your love. In fact, it is unhealthy if you never spend time apart. When we are with our partner all the time, we cannot appreciate them as much. Things get stale. We take them for granted, get irritated more easily by them, which increases the chances of relationship strife. Then there are identity issues that come with coupledom. You have to always think in terms of “we.” You have to take your partner’s feelings into consideration. You have to constantly accommodate them. Sometimes we just need time away from our lover or spouse to be who we are without them, to get in touch with our feelings, digest the complex goings on in our lives, and just feel who we are without our blending into someone else.

Some people feel guilty asking for time alone. But realize that you are a big part of this relationship. If it is good for your mental health, it will be good for your partner too. In truth, getting a little time to yourself will actually rejuvenate the relationship. You will have thoughts, experiences, and insights to share. Remember that self-love is just as important as loving your partner. Every once in a while go on an adventure by yourself, or at least without your partner. A day trip, a biking tour, an afternoon at a museum, an evening with a good book, or a few hours at a coffee shop can really help you center yourself again. You will come back to your partner refreshed. Explain to them all of this so they understand. Be sure that they see that you just need a little me-time. It has nothing to do with them. Make sure they don’t feel rejected or lonesome. If so, help them find something to do, and encourage them to take part in personally fulfilling activities by themselves, or with friends.

Asking for some time alone can feel as though you are rejecting your partner. Instead, you are asking for exactly what you need. Anyone in a solid relationship should be able to openly and honestly communicate their needs and have them met. If your partner is resistant, take a good long look at them. Are they needy or clingy? They may have self-esteem issues. Reassure them that this is perfectly natural and reasonable. But also help them to build up their self-esteem over time. Reflect on their positive qualities and accomplishments. Encourage them to take part in interests, hobbies, and spend time with friends. If they are overbearing, manipulative, and try and guilt you into not having some time to yourself, rethink this relationship. This person may not be healthy for you. But a good partner will understand where you are coming from and support you. They may even be dying for a little time to themselves.

For more on how to run your romantic life smoothly read, Managing Relationships: Bridging The Communication Divide by Jemayne L. King.

Men Provide Less Emotional Support to Their Partner When Stressed

Men Provide Less Emotional Support to Their Partner When Stressed

Ladies, have you ever turned to your partner when he is stressed out, looking for emotional support and validation, but instead receive the sound of crickets in return? If you are lucky you may get cold, calculated logic, instead of understanding. Now you could just call up a friend, your mom, or your sis. But a significant part of any romantic relationship is providing emotional support for one another. If you cannot get that, what are you in this relationship to begin with? Don’t blame it all on the male portion of the population. Men are not socialized to express their emotions in our society. So they already come at a disadvantage. Those men and women in supportive relationships feel closer to their partner, and that ultimately is what everyone wants. They feel more confident too. The sex is better since both parties feel close to one another. Intimacy abounds. And this support spills over to other areas of life too. We have a rock to depend on, a partner to carry us through the hard times, and to help us reach our educational, career, and personal growth goals. Emotional support for both men and women is often sought from their primary, romantic relationship. But a new study published online by the journal Psychological Science, has some bad news. Researchers discovered that when stressed, women do a better job of providing emotional support to their partner than men.

An international team of psychologists conducted the study, led by Thomas Bradbury. He is the co-director of the Relationship Institute at University of California (UCLA). Bradbury said that men manage stress differently. The male of our species, or at least in our culture, when stressed are less comforting, supportive, or nurturing than women, according to Bradbury. This becomes more evident when a partner expresses her feelings in an emotional way. 189 highly satisfied couples, who had been together for a little over four years, participated. The average age for the men was 28, and for the women 26. The couples were then split up into three cohorts. The first had couples where the man was the only one suffering from stress. In the second, only the woman felt stressed. For the third, both parties were stressed. First, Researchers conducted a fake job interview with each active subject individually. Then they were asked to count down from 2,043 by 17 each time, as fast as they could. They also had to start over again from the beginning each time they make an error. These tasks as you might imagine caused participants tremendous stress. Researchers then took saliva samples from each, testing their cortisol level—the stress hormone. Afterward, the couples were put into a room and videotaped for eight minutes.

When each active participant went back to their partner, they all complained, talking about the stress they were feeling, and what they had experienced. Researchers analyzed the videos later on to see how supportive each partner was, and whether men, women, or both were equally supportive even when feeling stressed. Investigators measured the number of positive, supportive responses, to the number of negative or dismissive ones. They also recorded non-verbal cues such as hand holding, eye contact, lack of eye contact, and whether they sat close together or far apart. And even when feeling stressed themselves, women were more responsive to their partner’s emotional needs than men. Bradbury said that each partner can be emotionally available and supportive of the other. But women should also realize that their partner operates a little differently. When he has had a particularly stressful day, and use another method of approach than a full onslaught. On these days, perhaps wait until he has had some time to unwind, or talk and vent but in a calm, matter-of-fact manner. This may elicit better responses. Meanwhile, both partners can recognize the role stress plays in their own separate lives, and in their relationship together. But each person must remember that you cannot tell how stressed your partner is until you ask them.

If love is stressed-filled battle field, learn the rules of engagement by reading Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex by John Gray.

When Low Self-Esteem Hurts Your Love Life

When Low Self-Esteem Hurts Your Love Life

Everyone feels insecure at certain moments in their life, especially their love life. Whether it be an awkward crush like many of us go through in middle school, your first kiss, first real love, or a spouse who did everything right and swept you off of your feet. The feelings that surround these moments can feel so overwhelming, that we feel small by comparison. But for some, self-esteem is a sustained, ongoing, even lifelong struggle. A relationship is best when it is engaged in by two equal partners. If one person is constantly struggling with self-esteem issues, though it may feel like a personal problem, it is affecting your relationship in a myriad of ways. When you have low self-esteem you have a hard time believing your partner when they pay you a compliment. This lack of appreciation can hurt them, putting space between the two of you. Those with low self-esteem have trouble setting boundaries. Everyone crosses a line once in a while. But without the ability to say something, your partner can walk all over you, and all you can do is wear a shirt that says, “Welcome.” Those with self-esteem issues do not know how to ask for what they want in a relationship. They fear their desires will be met with disapproval. So they never get what they want, leading to a secret little pit of hell, an inner cubby hole of frustration as one can never feel comfortable expressing themselves truly to the person they love most.

Do you hold back from engaging in open and honest dialogue with your partner? According to a study out of the University of Waterloo in Canada, this can be viewed as aloofness on the part of your beloved. It makes them think you do not care. But what is actually going on, you hold back because you are afraid of becoming vulnerable, of driving the person away, or of getting hurt. The author of this study Megan McCarthy, said that the partner with low self-esteem is resistant to address problems in the relationship. But in doing so, things cannot develop or progress. The relationship becomes stagnant until it no longer ceases to be. Those with low self-esteem believe that if they do speak up about problems, they will be rejected by their partner. But this causes them dissatisfaction. What researchers suggest is interpersonal communication. Work on telling your partner little problems or small wishes and wants that you have. When they fulfill them, be happy and reflect on it. Then work toward bigger problems or desires. On another front, work on yourself. Improving your self-esteem can only help to improve your relationship. You are indeed half of it. So what can you do to build up your self-esteem?

Look back your accomplishments. Celebrate them. What have you done, and what positive personality traits do you embody that these accomplishments signify? What skills did you have to use to get there? Set slightly higher goals for yourself and work toward reaching them. Celebrate after each one. Smile more. Just the act of smiling can make you feel brighter. And people respond to you when you are smiling. It makes you seem more attractive and more confident. Positive interactions with people will help further your self-esteem journey. Talk to trusted friends and confidants, and let them know about your struggles. Ask their unadulterated opinion of you and any advice they may have. Usually, those close to us will say nice things and make us feel good. But they can also offer some fresh perspective which you may be in need of. Surround yourself with those who support and uplift you. If you have people in your life who are pessimistic, always critical, who disrespect you or tear you down, get rid of them, or if you have to see them, severely limit the time you spend with them. They can only hamper your efforts. Be positive and find things to be positive about. People love enthusiasm. If you can dig deep and find it, you can attract more people to you. Their desire to be around you will help you to feel confident. Lastly, try and get some exercise. The feel good, natural chemicals it releases will give you a boost that others and even your baby will notice and it will make them feel good, basking in the energy you radiate.

For more pick up a copy of, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff.