The Month When Most Divorces Occur

shutterstock_166929554Ask a group of people what month they think most divorces occur in and you will get a number of different answers. Some will pick spring and early summer months. They recall spring as the season of renewal and new love. There are those who will think about a summer fling and pick an appropriate month, while others still consider the time around the holidays, where singles look for someone to cuddle up to and stay warm with, to attend holiday parties with, and to help fight the winter blues, infidelity being a major reason for divorce. But the smart ones, the wisest of all will say January, right after the New Year. When you hear it, you automatically know why. It’s the same reason gym memberships go through the roof that same month, and attendance, both of which shrink shortly afterward. It’s encapsulated in the phrase, “New year, new you.” That includes cutting out the old fat, both on your body and a marriage that is weighing you down. According to UK law firm Co-operative Legal Services, filings for divorce increase around 300% in January each year. A catalyst might be all the stress and keeping up appearances over the holidays.

One of the major reasons according to a firm spokesman is that the children or the grandchildren have had a nice holiday, opened up their presents, and the other family members have gone back home. The study surveyed 500 newly divorced UK residents. 25% of respondents said they filed in January and knew they were going to split well before New Year’s Eve. Some had even seen a lawyer before Christmas vacation, and decided to go forward with a divorce in the beginning of the next year. 43% of respondents said they wanted to wait until after the holidays in order to make sure everyone else could enjoy them. One-third said they wanted one last family Christmas. And one-third said they didn’t want to go public just yet, so they kept quiet about it. 11% of respondents didn’t want to hurt family members with the news, while nine percent didn’t want it to crush a child on or near their birthday, which happened to fall around the same time.

Of the intrepid few couples who chose to announce their divorce over the Christmas break, a third said they would have kept it a secret until after New Year’s. Most psychologists agree that keeping a divorce hush-hush until after the holidays is a good idea. It’s a sort of benevolent lie. There are few in this category. But the announcement of a divorce does cause a family a lot of stress and upheaval. This is especially true if there are children involved. Any parent’s first job is to make sure their child knows that they love them. But getting divorced over the holidays will leave a lifelong bad taste in the child’s mouth. A company called Atomik Research conducted the survey on behalf of the law firm. They found the most common reasons for divorce, in 51% of cases, was infidelity. 32% said they fell out of love. 18% said they argued all of the time. Now you know the most popular month for divorce. For those going through it, remember to take care of yourself, and your children should you have them, learn to co-parent successfully, and only fight for what is important to you.

For more divorce related knowledge and advice read, Divorce: Complete Guide to Fast Recovery, Emotionally and Financially With Proven Strategies For Success by Victoria Poindexter.

How to Know When to Let a Bad Relationship Go

shutterstock_301290968Sometimes we sit back and reflect on our relationship, its strengths and weaknesses, and where it’s going, if anywhere. Sometimes this is obsessive ruminating, at other times it is a sign that things aren’t going well. Of course, every relationship has its peaks and valleys. You hope for a few plateaus. When all you have is plains for a long time that could be a problem. No couple is perfect. They may seem so from the outside. But they all have their problems. Some people look for absolute perfection in their relationship, and are perpetually disappointed when they don’t get it. A more practical approach is asking whether or not your physical and emotional needs are being properly met, and if you can adequately see to theirs. Does this relationship provide happiness, or does it strip it away? If you are by and large seeing your needs met and you still feel a significant connection, than this is a rough patch, and the two of you have to put your heads together and fix things. Unfortunately there is no algorithm that you can punch information into in order to tell whether or not this relationship should be saved. That is up to each individual. But here are some ideas that will help you make your decision.

When you spend time together, do you have fun? Or do you wish you could get away from them as soon as possible? If you can no longer appreciate one another, that is a big red warning sign. If you can’t be companions, there is no point in wasting any more time. This relationship is a desert and you must get out of it. What is the trust level like? If you don’t trust your partner chances are it cannot last. It will instead become worse and worse. But if there is a solid foundation of trust, a lot of other things can be fixed. You already have secured the bedrock of any successful relationship. Do you have common interests or hobbies you like to take part in together? This is a good indicator that your relationship has staying power. When people can enjoy their free time doing things they like together, it strengthens the relationship. When one person feels dragged to this or that, it hurts it. What are your core values or beliefs? What are theirs? If you share the same religion, philosophy, political leaning, finances, and education level, chances are you can see eye to eye on a lot of things, the better to help solve problems.

How significant are small problems? If they are well taken care of, chances are you deal with each other well. If a little thing turns into a giant issue, then this relationship may be on its way out. Do you feel supported? Does your partner feel as though you support them? Emotional support is one of the main needs people turn to their relationship for. If not for their partner, sooner or later they will turn to someone else, further widening the divide. Is there mutual respect? You can’t have real love in a relationship without respect. Is there flexibility? If when plans fall apart, no matter how droll, does your partner fall apart with them? If so, then you may be nearing the cliffs and you should probably jump ship. Relationships that can’t weather small gales are less likely to be able to keep it together should a tempest come crashing along. Is each one of you invested? Sometimes one person feels as though they are towing the other one. This can really wear you down. If you have several positive qualities, but cannot seem to work through it, try a self-help book, or couples counseling. But if there is no hope of resuscitation, it may be best to just let it slip away.

For more insights into the human heart read, If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl.

Reasons to Celebrate Singlehood after Divorce

shutterstock_104926916Those who have the distinct displeasure know all too well, a divorce is gut wrenchingly painful. But for those who can come to terms with their grief and pain and heal, there are a lot of advantages to be found on the other side. It doesn’t look like it at first. Many people, even in the aftermath of a hellish divorce years ago, still sit alone decrying their fate. In fact, a newly minted singlehood can be the best thing that ever happened to you. In years past, marriage was a financial arrangement and a social institution. Today, no one has to be locked into it. Everyone has the chance to find their own happiness. But we take our freedom for granted. We continue to bemoan our fate. Nowadays, we have dating apps and websites, along with traditional ways to meet people. We can take care of ourselves, and choose the right person for us, instead of just taking whoever happens to come along. The divorced sometimes wrestle with feeling like damaged goods. But it’s not true. In fact, once the pain is gone, you will probably be better at relationships now than you ever were before. Unfortunately, single people are maligned in our society. It is as if there is something wrong with them. But in fact, a lot of amazing people choose to be single, or at least for certain periods. They know that only the right person is worth getting serious with. Here are some other reasons you should celebrate your new singlehood.

Ever need someone to watch the kids? Now you have an automatic, go-to babysitter. Granted it’s not ideal. But it is not a bad deal either, especially if you are trying to get your love life humming again. But don’t be the type of parent always pushing the kids off on your ex. Be sure to use your power wisely. Remember walking around and seeing what a mess your partner left? Now, if you are the neat and tidy type, I bet the place is all squared away. And look at how much space you have, and all that closet space. Even if you moved to a new place, it’s good to admit that there’s nobody else’s junk clogging up the place. That’s a huge plus, and a reason to go shopping. Stretch out on the bed. You don’t have to huddle in a corner anymore. Use as many covers as you want. No snoring is great, isn’t it? Was there an annoying habit your ex had like leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste? You won’t have to deal with it, ever again. Was there a certain habit or hobby that your ex didn’t like? If so, now is the time to embrace it. When it comes to watching something on TV or ordering take out, you can watch or get whatever you want, without having to argue or negotiate with anyone. It won’t matter what episodes you’re ex has or hasn’t seen, they won’t be there, and this should make you smile.

For those who have been through a controlling relationship, know that you won’t have to explain yourself anymore. You don’t have to call, or check in. You can be treated like an adult and do your own thing, without feeling an overbearing force looming over you. For those who felt as though they were a parent to their ex-spouse, now you are free of this child, or the additional one. You can live in the world of adults again. Just make sure that the next time you are going through the selection process to date someone who is mature. The best part about being newly single is you don’t have to answer to anyone. You can do whatever you wish, when you want, how you want, and with who you want. Instead of looking back on what you have lost, look at all you have gained. There aren’t many times in life where you get a second chance or a blank slate. Take advantage of it, make plans, outline all the steps, and get to work on building the life you always dreamed of. Now no one is standing in your way anymore.

For more on advice for life on the other side of divorce read, Your Post-Divorce Compass Practical, Real-World Advice for the Newly Single by Michael R. Dunham.

Give a Divorced Guy a Chance

shutterstock_294128408The rules of dating and courtship in our culture have changed tremendously in a short period of time, making it harder to make romantic decisions. Though we at times deride the feeling of free falling into love, only to find ourselves ejecting from it once again, in the end we aren’t meant to fit in a box, human life is longer now, and we must find who fits us whether it be long-term or only for that period in time. Still, even though we are oh-so-modern, some residual effects of the old ways still inhabit our thinking. For instance, divorce used to be taboo. Today, a lot of women still carry a stigma against men who have been married before. The idea is that he is damaged goods. Well, aren’t we all? These women think that whatever broke up his marriage may infect their relationship, should one begin. The truth is people split up for lots of different reasons. Different people interact differently together. Their problems might not be yours. The reason their marriage broke up may have no bearing on a future relationship with you. Who knows? His ex-wife might have nothing but good things to say about him. And yet, for one reason or another they did not work out. Rather than staying away from divorced men, you should perhaps lean toward dating one. Why do you ask? Here are some reasons you should give a divorced guy a chance.

Tired of men who are afraid to commit? A divorced guy isn’t. Or at least he wasn’t. This is not the eternal bachelor who keeps his lady helplessly hoping for commitment which deep in his heart he knows will never come. Past behavior is a great indicator of future choices for most people. So with this guy, you know that if the situation is right, he will be ready to take things to the next level. With a divorced man, he has already put time into a serious relationship. He knows the drill. Some guys have been bachelors for so long, either by choice or circumstance, that they have a hard time transitioning from “me” to “we.” They don’t check with you about things you should have input on, and they may make decisions without considering how they will affect you. But a man who was once married can transition more easily from prioritizing himself to his relationship. Divorced guys are a bit more mature. You have to be to be married and to go through a divorce, one of the most painful experiences a person can have. He has to have gained at least some knowledge and insight from the experience.

A divorced man has some idea what it takes for a long-term relationship to work. If he is self-reflective, he may have even noticed his short-comings and own up to past mistakes, helping him avoid making them a second time around. In any relationship that did not last, both parties have had an influence. Chances are, his ex has already pointed out his faults to him, and he is aware of them and better able to manage them. If he is willing to give a long-term relationship a shot again, it shows if he is positive, resilient, and has hope. Lots of men go through a divorce proclaiming that they will never get married again. But if he is not talking marriage down, and is still open to it, it shows a lot of underlying, positive qualities. Even that he is back in the dating scene again is a positive sign. Consider learning more about him first. Is he still balancing duties from his first marriage, such as parenting? Has he recovered from the divorce completely? What led to the marriage’s breakdown? Personal information and insights into who he is will give you a better idea of whether or not to get involved with him. But don’t count him out just because he is divorced. In fact, the whole affair may have a silver lining, a better, future relationship with you.

For more dating advice that may just lead to marriage read, Single Is The New Black: Don’t Wear White ‘Til It’s Right by Dr. Karin Anderson Abrell.

How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

How to Pick Yourself Back up Again After a Divorce

Each couple is unique, and so are the ways their relationships end. But there are patterns. Some couples have known for a long time things haven’t been working out. For others, one person surprises the other. In this case the shock can be earth-shattering. Being rejected by someone you felt so close to, and loved enough to marry (at least once upon a time) can tear you apart. An orderly and predictable life is now tossed into chaos. Everything has to be rearranged with the person you would least like to spend another minute with. Even after the arrangements and agreements, perhaps court battles, are over, and the grieving done, challenges do not evaporate. People may think you are alright at this stage. But for many of the newly divorced, moving forward remains difficult. A large portion of one’s identity has died and he or she has to find out what they can do to fill the void, how to rebuild themselves and make a life anew. That is scary. Such a large form of rejection, for those who were walked away from, can leave deep wounds in the ego that must be healed. And those who have been burned often have trouble reigniting their love life as trust remains an issue. It is not an easy time. But rest assured, you can get through it and find happiness again. Here is some advice on how to pick yourself up after a divorce and build the kind of life you want.

Fall in love with yourself again. Begin by making a list of your good qualities. What characteristics do you have that others admire or emulate? What skills do you possess that make you unique? One of the hardest parts of a divorce is reinventing yourself. We get used to the thought of being married. It becomes a part of our identity. Now it is time to reshape that identity. And the way to do that is to come to a better understanding of who you are, who it is you want to be, and what about yourself you want to project to the world. Dig deep and find what makes you happy, really deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Do you want to own your own business? Go back to school? Wish to totally change careers? Want to author the next great novel or see the world? Understand that as a single person, you have more freedom. You do not have to check in with anyone. You can also reinvent yourself without someone holding you back. A divorce is an ending, sure. But it is also a new beginning. Don’t waste a second chance at new and better life. A divorce may even in hindsight a blessing in disguise, the best thing that ever happened to you.

Reach out to those close to you if you are having a hard time. Sometimes it really helps just talking things over, or bouncing ideas off of someone you trust. Another problem is it can be difficult to meet someone new. Be patient. Online dating can take some time, and be hit or miss. Just work with a one or two websites or a site and an app. Don’t use them together for more than an hour each day. But lots of people have met online. Send out feelers offline too. Shake your social tree and see what singles drop out. It can’t hurt to ask a couple of close friends if they know anyone who is single. Chances are you and the recommended will get along well together. And you have someone in common, so there’s an ice breaker already in hand. Just don’t blame your friend, or feel guilty should it does not work out. Consider what kind of frequency you are emitting into the world. Are you a magnetic ray of sunshine, or a dark and scowling raincloud? You need to feel your authentic emotions, but when you come to that point where the real suffering is over, undo your negativity. Step out of the shadows and examine them. Set out to find their root causes and ways to unravel them. Find a way to radiate light and happiness and you will naturally attract the mate you seek. Build a better you, and a higher quality love interest should soon be at your side.

For more on overcoming divorce and other devastating life experiences read, You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death by Louise L. Hay and David Kessler.