Stop Waiting around Wondering if he will Marry You

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Stop Waiting around Wondering if he will Marry You

There are lots of women who want to get married but stay in relationships where it isn’t abundantly clear where things are headed. So they avoid the subject at all costs. They wonder whether or not he wants the relationship to progress. Lots of young women think that when the moment is right, true love barges in, sweeps you up and carries you off. Many women pine for that day, wishing and waiting, but never think that in real life, it doesn’t always work like that. An awkward conversation with your partner as to whether or not he wants the same kind of relationship is usually how it goes. Those who want marriage the most are often the most reluctant to address the issue, for fear of rejection. It may even cause the relationship to implode. But if one person wants one thing, and another person wants something else, the relationship cannot last. Hanging on to a relationship that is doomed isn’t doing anyone any favors. Here are some other considerations for those who find themselves in this position.

You may be so invested that leaving is not a palatable option. Lots of women become preoccupied with how much work they’ve already put into the relationship, and where they are in terms of their child bearing years, but if you aren’t carefully considering whether or not this person has long-term potential, or even wants what you want, you are missing the point entirely. Some people fall into a groove. They get comfortable. It is usually a slow creep. Suddenly the two are cohabitating and in a routine. Though the situation does not fulfill her deeply, the woman usually becomes averse to breaking out of it. If he moves out for instance, she’ll have to find a roommate, and bear the brunt of the cost herself, until she finds one.

These decisions are not made easily. But settling for something you don’t want will leave a void. That hollow will grow and ultimately tear the relationship apart. Either that or you will live unfulfilled, numb, a lovelorn sleepwalker. If it does fall to pieces, you’ll wonder why you spent so much time with him to begin with, and all of that time wasted when you should have been looking for someone that fulfills you, and wants the same things you do. Realize that people change their minds. But if you can’t talk about the future with someone, or they have promised you some movement in the past and failed to deliver, then this person is not for you. They don’t have the same goals as you. If you want the right future you may have to sacrifice the present to get to it. Though it hurts in the beginning it is satisfying in the end. For more advice read, The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He’s Going to Marry You – In 30 Days or Less! By Mary Corbett & Sheila Corbett Kihne.

The Stages of a Relationship

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The Stages of a Relationship

Just as no two people are alike, no two relationships are alike either. That said, there are nine stages that a relationship can be in. These phases are basically different checkpoints to evaluate compatibility as you move along from infatuation to marriage or cohabitation. Sometimes you meet a couple that seems perfect for one another. Then you come to find that they break up sometime later. It’s shocking. But perhaps they got caught up in some later stage. The first phase is infatuation. In this stage you are both strongly attracted to one another. The chemistry is at its peak. You can’t get enough of each other. The sexual tension is thick as fog. Neither one of you can see the other’s flaws. In fact, you look absolutely perfect in each other’s eyes.

The next is the getting-to-know-you stage. This is when you talk deep into the night. Everything they say seems fascinating. You cover things you like and don’t like, past, exes, friends, family; the works. The world seems shiny, beautiful and new. Soon comes the first time you don’t see eye-to-eye. Generally this is a few months into the relationship. How you disagree however will have varying consequences as things progress. Should you communicate well and overcome fights without hurting each other the relationship will sail on smoothly.

In the next stage you form opinions about one another. You decide how committed you and your partner are to this relationship. The expectations of one another are made clear. But sometimes partners don’t make what their expectations are clear. You may have emotional highs and lows depending on your partner’s ability to meet or exceed expectations. For instance, your partner may surprise you with a weekend getaway, and you’re elated. But they forget your anniversary after you dropped half a paycheck on their gift. You feel so upset.

Next is the molding stage. Both of you try to mold the other one into what you think is the perfect partner, or into the patterns you observed in your parents when you were a child. They will do the same. This is where you locate your emotional baggage and they theirs. You two can either recognize it and produce policies to counteract negative effects or you can learn to live with them. Each person must work on their own as well. What follows this is acceptance. You’ll feel like the perfect couple. This is generally when people cohabitate or get married. For more advice read, Love’s Journey: The Seasons & Stages of a Relationship by Michael Gurian.

When it’s Necessary to ask your Partner’s Permission

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When it’s Necessary to ask your Partner’s Permission

We all like to be independent. But when in a relationship, it can be hard to tell what we need to run by our partner and what a decision we should make on our own is. And it’s a balancing act. Asking their permission for everything can seem too needy, and that you export all of your power and authority to your romantic partner. When you make too many decisions without their input, you start looking like a tyrant with a callous and cold heart, who doesn’t care what they think, or about being considerate of their wants, wishes and feelings. A careful balance must be struck. But how do you know when it’s necessary to ask your partner’s permission? Here are some easy to follow guidelines for most situations.

If you are unsure, it’s always a good idea to sit down with your partner and figure out what works in your relationship, for the two of you. But here are some general ones that pop up in most relationships. One major situation which breeds arguments and hurt feelings is seeing your ex. Whether you are friends, or just catching up after years over a coffee, this has to be discussed with your current flame, at length. This isn’t controlling you, it’s merely a courtesy. And you are sending a message. You are letting your partner know that this relationship means more than catching up with an old flame. They shouldn’t mind. And if they do, they have jealousy issues, which have to be addressed.

If you are in a new relationship, let them know when you are hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex, and that this person poses no threat. Again, this shouldn’t be a problem. One important part of dating is developing trust. And if they don’t trust you around friends of the opposite sex, huge red lights should be flashing in your head. Still, letting them know shows you are courteous and considerate of their feelings, a boon in any relationship. If you two are cohabitating and someone is coming to stay over, or even live there for a while, you definitely need to sit down with them and talk it out. You can’t just spring it on them. They will be so angry, and resent you for it. And what message are you sending, that they have no say in a place they live? The same goes for company. If you just bring people home without letting them know, it’s a lack of respect on your part and a shock on theirs.

If for whatever reason you aren’t coming home that night, send a quick call or text. You owe them that much. If you are too intoxicated have your friend do it. Your partner will thank you and be more understanding. But the shock of you not coming home and not being alerted will scare them, make them worry, and if you don’t call it means that you don’t care, or that their feelings aren’t important to you. If someone in your life needs a hand or support in something they are doing, don’t commit your partner without their say-so. You need to run it by them first. If you do, it means you are considerate of their time and opinion. If you don’t, it means that they are supposed to do what you say when you say it. Showing consideration for your partner will make your relationship stronger, and make it last. For more advice read, Love is Never Enough: How Couples can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems through Cognitive Therapy by Aaron T. Beck, M.D.

Breaking Up with your Long Term Live in Boyfriend

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Breaking Up with your Long Term Live in Boyfriend

Considering whether or not to break it off? What happened? Was it a slow growing apart? Did someone go astray? Or do you have some sort of irreconcilable differences? Whatever the reason, you are considering breaking up with your long term live in boyfriend. But how can you make a decision like that? If you move out or kick him out, whatever the case, it’s a decision that a relationship will have a pretty hard, if not impossible time bouncing back from. You have to be sure. But how can you be sure it’s the right decision?

First, consider your feelings for him. You may need to get away from him for a bit, and have some time to think. Make an excuse and stay over your friends for a couple of nights, or how about a relative for the excuse of a visit. Do it when he can’t accompany you. Or even spend a couple of nights at a motel, but tell him it’s a business trip. Give yourself a little time to relax and just forget about it. Then revisit the issue when you’re fresh. Do you still love him? Does he treat you the same as when things were fresh and new? Do you still tell him that you love him, or that you think he looks good?

Does he remember important dates in your relationship? How does he treat you now versus before? How do you treat him? Why do you think this is? Consider if there is a particular behavior that is driving a wedge between you two, or if it’s just a general malaise. If it’s just a rut there are plenty of things you can do to reignite the spark in your relationship. But if it’s a particular behavior, or a set of behaviors they have to be addressed, why not sit down and have a serious talk with him. Explain the behaviors that are driving a wedge between the two of you, and figure out a way to overcome them. Have some ideas in mind. Make sure you both have a chance to speak and be heard. Negotiate but don’t give up your core beliefs, or ask him to, or else one of you will resent the other. If one of you cheated, you have to see what the underlying factors are that caused the indiscretion. Those issues have to be addressed and the bond of trust has to be reestablished, not easy. Ask if this person is worth it? It may be easier to take the lessons you’ve learned and move on. Otherwise, work through your issues and seek couple’s therapy.

Think about what problems, issues or behaviors you bring to the relationship. It’s a two way street and most of the time one party isn’t completely innocent. Keep talking to each other and it will soon become abundantly clear whether to get out the suitcases and call the moving van, or decide to give it another go. Consider any financial and legal issues if it’s not going to work, do some research and have plans in place to circumvent anything that might arise. For more breakup advice read, The Single Woman’s Sassy Survival Guide: Letting Go and Moving On by Mandy Hale.

Denying Marriage until they pay down their Debt

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Denying Marriage until they pay down their Debt

Due to the Great Recession, people are being more careful about marriage and are cohabitating longer. They know how expensive divorce can be, not to mention how draining. But there’s another phenomenon too. Some people are denying their lovers their hand in marriage until they pay down their debt. The credit score is almighty today, allowing access to homes, cars and businesses, or denying access depending on how that person handles money. One spouse’s debt affects both of their credit. With lots of plans for the future, no one wants to get tied down or lassoed with the debt of another.

Do they have poor spending habits? If you are worried that they will talk you into a joint credit card account and max it out, ask them about their buying habits and be careful. Notice whether or not they go on extravagant shopping sprees they can’t afford. Who are they going to stick the bill to? If they can’t afford it and you two are married, you’ll feel forced to contribute, not only in the emotional sense but to save your joint credit.

There is another underlying factor here. If a person isn’t responsible with money, can they be trusted with other things? Are they only irresponsible in the financial sense or in other ways too? And will these other ways damage the other person or the relationship as a whole? Conscientiousness is one of those great qualities in a lover and a spouse that is often overlooked. But someone who went the distance working hard in their career, whether they were knocked down by the economy is another matter.

Someone who can pay bills on time, save, live somewhat frugally, someone who doesn’t spend frivolously but knows the value of money may know, appreciate and respect the other good and worthwhile things in life, namely you. So their spendthrift, responsible or reckless ways they spend money could speak to deeper parts of their psyche, parts you are going to have to deal with should you decide to get involved in a long term relationship, even a marriage with this person. Marriage is forever. If they are serious and really love you perhaps they’ll change their poor financial planning. If not, let them go. Love may be fleeting, but your credit score lasts forever. For more advice read, How to Debt-Proof your Marriage by Mary Hunt.