Can Domestic Violence be Prevented?

violence

Can Domestic Violence be Prevented?

With the Ray Rice video all over the airwaves and the internet, spousal abuse and domestic violence have become national topics of conversation. But this case, bringing to light an age-old phenomenon, also carries with it a number of questions. One such question is why women get together with men who abuse them to begin with. The eminent Dr. Susan Forward studied this phenomenon in depth over the course of her career. The character she outlined is the misogynist. She said that a misogynist, before the relationship, portrays himself as Prince Charming. It can even feel too good to be true. At this time the man is willing to give up power in the relationship, temporarily, to see it flourish and to initiate sexual intercourse. Healthy men do not see this period as a temporary setback, nor do they make designs to change things once she is roped in. This misogynist harbors a hatred and disrespect for women. Bitterness and resentment toward the female sex lies deep within his heart. As the relationship carries on, and the honeymoon phase fades, he will tire of always accommodating his partner. She will wonder why he has had this sudden change, distancing himself from activities they once enjoyed, during the earlier days of their relationship.

Meanwhile, she will be completely unaware of the negative feelings he has been harboring all of this time, and wondering why this sudden change has occurred. The only way for the relationship to continue is for him to keep accommodating her needs. It will begin to become oppressive to him. He will feel trapped. To escape he will form a secret hiding place for himself that he enjoys. Sooner or later he will no longer be able to contain the negative feelings he has been repressing. He will start to get a short temper, perhaps a foul mouth. He may be emotionally and verbally abusive. Physical altercations may occur. Now she has to decide whether to leave him, which could make him go off and make things far worse, or stay with him and live in constant fear. So can you be on the lookout for a misogynist and avoid domestic violence? It’s unclear. Look out for cracks in the mask, wisecracks that reveal negativity about women, stories that always paint women in a negative light and so on. Other than that, if you have an uneasy feeling, find out what it is stemming from, but listen to it.

Another important question is what a woman should do if she finds herself in a relationship with a misogynist. If he has the ability to change, and he can be reasoned with, get him to seek psychological help. He needs to be able to deal with his inner demons and the root cause for his disorder. If it isn’t possible to reach him, or he keeps getting worse or not any better, she should seek legal counsel, get a restraining order, and at a safe time gather up the children, if there are any, and her things and leave. She needs to make sure she has prepared for a safe place to go to, even if it is a women’s shelter. Contact with the abuser should be kept to a minimum. Many women don’t leave however. They are manipulated and convinced that the problem lies with them. They try over and over to meet outrageous demands. Remember always that shame and abuse are never normal. No one should put up with it. Everyone has the right to live happy and free. For more on this dark phenomenon be sure to read the bestseller, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward.

Why Doesn’t an Abused Woman Leave?

AbusedWoman

Why Doesn’t an Abused Woman Leave?

The Ray Rice case opened up a national and even international conversation about domestic violence. If you are asking yourself what happened, a video was released of NFL player Rice knocking out his fiancée, and dragging her body out of an Atlantic City hotel elevator. He was given a suspension of just two games, which many say was too lax a punishment. Janay Palmer went forward and married Rice, leaving many to wonder why she did not leave him. Whether or not policies or our culture will change due to this case remains to be seen. But after the video hit the internet on Monday, September 8 social media ignited. Soon Twitter had a flurry of stories under #WhyILeft and #WhyIStayed, where survivors of domestic abuse described why they decided to leave or pick up the pieces and put the relationship back together. Beverly Gooden, a writer and domestic abuse survivor, started #WhyIStayed. She told CNN she wanted to “change the tone of the conversation.” She was also looking to “protect” her husband. She said, “I was thinking about him and not myself, and I think that’s the story of a lot of people out there.”

Gooden went on to say, “The hashtag shows that there are people out there who have lived this, and like me, have come out of this.” The day after the Ray Rice video hit the internet, Topsy—a web analytics tool, found that the hashtag had been hit 46,000 times. Soon after the #WhyIStayed conversation came out, women started posting #WhyILeft. This second element increased awareness about the issue, and offered advice without being preachy. So why doesn’t an abused woman leave? Sandra Hawken Diaz of the Toronto-based Interval House, a woman’s shelter says, “Too many people assume that if a woman is in an abusive relationship that she is making a choice to stay, and that she has the power to end the abuse if she just leaves.” But instead, “We need to begin to understand, support and believe victims — not blame them.” She went on, “Instead of asking why doesn’t she just leave, we should be asking different questions when we read those headlines. We should be asking, ‘Why is he abusive?’ or ‘How can we break the cycle of violence?’ or ‘How can I support her to be safe?’”

Chief executive officer of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Katie Ray-Jones says fear is one of the biggest factors in women staying with abusive men. This is especially true if the couple has children. She said, “The fear a woman feels is real. The threats her partner makes are real. When a woman’s husband tells her he will kill her if she leaves, she believes that. We all know it is possible, we see the stories on TV and the Internet.” Ray-Jones continued, “Outside the home, this man appears to be a great man. Many women describe it as Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde: ‘Great guy to everyone else, so I must be the problem.’” Fame of course could have influenced Janay Rice’s decision. The abusive person isn’t always abusive. So we can also assume that love plays a vital role. Ray-Jones points out the error of some trying to blame the victim in this situation. “I can’t imagine how Janay Rice may have felt,” Ray-Jones said. “Fans were blaming her on social media, sportscasters made comments somehow indicating she must have provoked the violence, and then she has to sit next to her abuser and apologize.” In comparison she notes, “We would never ask a person who was mugged on the street to apologize for walking down the street where their assailant was.” She concludes saying, “Everyone deserves a relationship that is based on dignity and respect. We want victims to be able to reach out and talk to an advocate so they know they have choices.” For more tips on getting over an abusive relationship pick up a copy of, Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People by Peace.

Breakup Recovery 101

GETTING-OVER-EX

Breakup Recovery 101

Everyone goes through heartbreak from time to time. It’s natural to have a difficult time, at least in the beginning. Of course we all know you’ll get through it, you just need some time to grieve. But don’t get stuck wallowing in self-pity. After a few weeks or a month or so it’s time to pick yourself up again and get out there to face the world. You need to recover your self-confidence. Some people are better at this than others. If you are particularly bad at breakups than breakup recovery 101 is for you. Here’s your chance to learn the absolute necessary things you need to do to heal that broken heart, pump up your self-esteem and have you feeling like a brand new you. Sometimes when we go through a breakup, we blame ourselves emotionally, even though we know rationally we aren’t to blame. To avoid this, find ways to boost your self-esteem and put the focus on improving yourself. Joining a gym, exploring your talents such as painting, writing or playing sports, meeting people or volunteering can all be ways to boost your self-confidence and get your mojo back.

Instead of looking at a breakup as an end, try to see it as a new beginning. You have a new lease on life. Don’t waste it. Instead, write a bucket list and cross things out as you go through it. This will not only increase your self-esteem but it will make you more interesting, getting you more dates. Don’t seek to erase your ex from your life completely. You can’t erase that time in your life. Of course you can unfriend them from Facebook and so on. But sooner or later you will have to come back to your thoughts and feelings about them, and come to terms with them. Avoid doing anything rash, let the matter lie and focus on yourself. Why not get a new haircut, a new outfit or a new look? You’ll feel better and look better. If you feel like a new you and are ready to get back out there and start dating again, then you’ve aced breakup recovery 101. For more advice, read Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over a Breakup and Your Ex in Record Time! by Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal.

Things women do That Men Love

COUPLE-IN-BED

Things women do That Men Love

A lot of women put tons of work into their appearance. But is makeup, an expensive purse and the latest fashions what men really like? There are plenty of things women do that men love that don’t cost a lot, or anything at all. Some men for instance like to see a woman after she’s hit the gym, in a simple tank top, shorts and a sports bra. Men love it when women wear their boxer shorts or one of his shirts. Men even like to see old photos of you, even if they are the geeky ones from high school. Though the fear climbs up many a man’s spine like a frantic monkey when children are mentioned, seeing a woman interact with children is heartwarming.  Men secretly like it when you dote on them.

Though they may make fun of all the products you have in the bathroom, men love to see you pruning and primping. They also like it when women wear a little perfume, for no special occasion in particular, just for him. Men like it when women show a little preferential treatment to people in his family, such as helping an elderly aunt or being nice to his mother, even if she is a bit of a pain.  Men love when a woman shares his passions in life. Enthusiasm for a favorite band or sports team can go a long way. That doesn’t mean that doing these things will help you catch or keep a certain man. But little things like this can make a big difference in a relationship. And when a woman does these nice little things the man is not only satisfied but feels as if he wants to reciprocate, and do nice little things for her and a virtuous cycle is created. For more advice, read Melt His Heart from Day One by Ray Lemon.

Attraction by Voice

MEN-WITH-DEEP-VOICES

Attraction by Voice

What kind of voice do you find attractive? Some men like a deep voice in a woman. But most prefer the high pitched, baby doll kind. Women usually prefer a deep male voice. But this isn’t just preference. There is biology at work here. According to a new study, men prefer a high voice and women a low one as the sound of someone’s voice gives the speaker’s body style away. Birds, other animals, and even humans can perceive the speaker’s intention and their body size from the quality and frequency of the speaker’s voice. Lower sounding voices allude to a bigger body and therefore dominance and the ability to protect the mother and her young. High pitched frequencies allude to a smaller body size, submissiveness and the need to be protected.

This study was completed at University College in London. Processor Yi Xu had male participants rate a female human voice for attractiveness. When he altered the quality, pitch and spacing to signal a smaller body type he found that this was the most attractive sounding to participants. Men also preferred a breathy, high pitched voice with lots of spacing between words. He did the same thing for female participants only this time it was a deep voice with less spacing that correlated with the most attractive. One surprise researchers found was that women also preferred a breathy quality to a man’s voice, indicating a softness under the aggression of a large body mass. Although we are far advanced compared to other creatures in the animal kingdom, it seems that we still have many biological qualities that are an integral part of the courtship process. You can find this study online in the journal PLOS ONE.  For advice on how to improve your voice, read Set Your Voice Free: How to Get the Singing or Speaking Voice You Want by Roger Love and Donna Frazier.