Does your Ex make you Jealous?

jealous

Does your Ex make you Jealous?

When you’ve been together with someone you care about and you break up, it’s hard to pivot away from seeing them as yours and instead seeing them as someone you’re not associated with anymore. But that painful transition becomes compounded when your ex moves on before you’ve had a chance to fully heal. Don’t hasten through when you aren’t ready. But don’t wallow in misery either. Some people reflect on it over and over, making the heart sicker than it needs to be. Instead, let the grieving take its course but focus on healing. Stop focusing on what your ex is doing and focus on what you are doing. Learn how to let go.

Whether they are enraptured in a rebound relationship with a would-be superstar or are touring the Vegas Strip, ask yourself what it really matters what they are doing? Should your focus really be on them? If they are going out on a rebound or partying up a storm, it shouldn’t matter. And what does it really say about them? Are they really emotionally secure or are they making grand gestures to show how “over” you they are, in effect showing a deeper side of how not over you they really are? If they were so over you why would they go through all of this trouble to show that they were?

Sometimes we focus on our ex as a target for the horrible emotions a breakup puts you through. We want an outlet and hating them becomes a good one. But it can also become an obsession and take away your own power, and your life. Your goal is to rejuvenate yourself. Become the person you’ve always wanted to be. Make this a transformative experience. Learn from it so you can make your next relationship ten thousand times better than the last and you ten thousand times better than the person you were.

Sometimes you aren’t ready to accept that things are over. But that is strictly part of the grieving process. Even at its worst you know brighter days are ahead. The pain subsides little by little each day, wearing away like a season until that season is gone. Let it go naturally of its own accord. Explore where the hurt really comes from. Is your ego bruised? Was it really this person? Was there some other deep seeded thing that surfaced in this relationship? Explore the root of your jealousy and use it to find out what issues and baggage you brought to the table, how you can own those, and release them from it. Through this transformative experience, that of self-discovery, you will ultimately become free. For more advice read, How to Stop Being Jealous and Insecure: Overcome Insecurity and Relationship Jealousy by Michele Gilbert.

Ban your Man from the Delivery Room

pregnancy

Ban your Man from the Delivery Room

In the olden days, men were barred from being present for the birth. Today, it’s thought that he should be there to support her, be there for her and witness his child being brought into the world. The truth is that, although his support is admirable, you probably want to ban your man from the delivery room. This is not a popular sentiment right now. But it could be a practical one. There are a whole host of things that could go wrong while you’re in there. It’s not pretty. Having him there instead of making it better could actually make it much worse.

First, think about how well he does with blood. Some people can’t stand the sight of it. Then there’s the screaming and moaning. He might pass out. Then you will both have medical bills. You have enough going on in that moment to worry about whether or not he’s alright. While he may be supportive and caring and say words of encouragement while you are going through contractions, he may also irritate you to no end. His words might drive you crazy. No one wants a blowout fight when a baby is coming. The pain of being in labor and giving birth are enough to endure.

If you let him see the birth it may give him issues that can carry over into your sex life. There are those guys who are fine. In fact, the couple’s sex life is just as healthy and vibrant as before the baby. But some guys get an image from the birth stuck in their mind. And they can’t look at you down there the same way again, at least not for a while. Some very natural things happen during childbirth. But when he stinks up the bathroom you’ll have no leverage if you let him in the delivery room. While holding his hand when pushing seems to be a really nice gesture and a scene we’ve all warmed to on TV sitcoms throughout the years, the truth of the matter is when it’s time to push you could quite literally break his hand. That certainly would put a damper on him holding his child later on.

He could have a meal in front of you. At a time when you can’t eat, having someone enjoy lunch right in front of you can really be heartbreaking. Though it sounds funny, right out of a movie or something, you could knock his lights out when say you are waving around and he moves in to help or comfort you. Lastly, he may want to video tape the birth. Who wants to see that video? It just might be best to have another female present to comfort you. Surely there are some things your husband is better left out of. If he insists on being there, or you really want him there, have him read the book, The Birth Partner: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions by Penny Simkin.

Things to Preserve from the Honeymoon Phase

couple-lying-in-grass

Things to Preserve from the Honeymoon Phase

Nothing beats that feeling when you first fall in love. You want to do everything together. You can’t get enough of each other. It feels so spectacular that you never want it to end. But of course sooner or later you have to move into a more comfortable phase. That too has its positive qualities. But just because you are out of that lovey-dovey part of your relationship, doesn’t mean you have to stop doing all those beautiful, romantic, sweet and special things for one another. In fact, if you continue to do those things you will keep the spark alive, appreciation alive, and love alive. Here are some things to preserve from the honeymoon phase in your relationship.

First, physical contact often takes a nose dive after you move into phase two. But physical contact and touching is one way we as humans show affection. You can’t live without contact. Some people need more than others. This is called our attachment style according to psychologists. Some people are open and loving, others closed and more reserved. Realize which one you are and which one your significant other is. But make sure to keep touch alive. Hug, kiss, hold hands, give each other massages, cuddle, and get physical. Studies have shown that couples who show physical signs of affection are the happiest. Couples who have sex at least once per week and on an average two to three times per week are among the most blissful.

When you are first together you want every moment to feel spectacular. If you do something wrong you can’t wait to apologize and wait with pangs of pain and guilt until they forgive you. But once you’ve been together for a while apologizing seems less important. Some couples get very adversarial; blaming, shaming, screaming and giving the cold shoulder. But wouldn’t a simple “I’m sorry” be so much better? Lots of times long term couples get so wrapped up in being right that they forget how much their romantic partner means to them. Remember how much you love them. When you’re wrong apologize. There isn’t any shame in it. If they love you they will forgive you.

The feelings of appreciation in the beginning are tremendous. Every little gesture and gift seems to set your heart soaring. But as time wears on the gifts, gestures and thank yous seem to fade. But don’t let them. Show how much you appreciate one another. Do little cute gestures for each other. Write notes. Text sweet sayings. Thank one another even if it’s for things you agreed will be there chore. Appreciation breeds appreciation in kind. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. It will also keep your love and satisfaction level sky high. For more advice read, Love Is a Flame: Stories of What Happens When Love is Rekindled by James Stuart Bell and Gary Chapman.

Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

lunch

Find out What Kind of Guy he really is

Manipulation is always thought of as a negative thing. The truth of the matter is that we manipulate each other all of the time. We sweet talk the boss into giving us more time on a task. We try and convince the cop not to give us a ticket even though we know we were speeding. We try to get our roommate to do our chores when we are short on time and high on assignments. The point is that finding out how people tick and using it to your advantage is fine, depending upon your intention and if it hurts the person in the end.

Of course you shouldn’t be callous and mean. No one should manipulate someone into a bad position just so they can rise in consequence. But there are normal interactions between people that can be looked at as manipulation that are really okay, like when a girl decides that she’d like to be settling down. You don’t want to waste time dating guys where the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Nor do you want to get emotionally invested in someone who will end up letting you down. Instead, here are some things you can do to find out what kind of guy he really is.

Not on the first date, but early in the relationship if you want to see if he’s a male chauvinist or insecure, wear heels. When you are tall and sexy and sticking out, he’ll have to deal with you. Watch how he takes it. If he’s laid back, cool, confident and aloof, he wins points. When he thinks he’s going to get lucky, play sick and see how he reacts. Does he get angry? Does he leave? Or does he try to take care of you or offer to keep you company? One trick some women try is to elicit the help of her sexiest girlfriend. She sends her out there to try to pick up her boyfriend. If he goes for it then he isn’t the one for you. The disadvantage to this strategy is that many a girl gets dumped by both her boyfriend and her friend, who end up together. So watch how that one might play out.

Fake a catastrophe in your life and see how he reacts. Does he back away or offer to help? If he’s really into you he will do anything to help you. But if he isn’t so emotionally invested he will make an excuse and get out of there. This separates the players from boyfriend material. You will also find whether or not he’s got leadership qualities. If he starts managing the crisis instead of kowtowing to your wishes then you now know his relationship style and how he operates in a crisis. Handling one of life’s disasters smashingly is one of those top relationship qualities for the long haul. Just be careful. Or else you’ll get stuck in one of those sitcom situations where awkwardness for you and comedy for everyone else ensues. For more advice read, How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist: (and if he is, should you break up with him?) by Patricia Carlin.