With the way the job market is today, many people are putting off marriage. The omnipresent focus on advanced degrees and career development puts a damper on young people’s love lives. They have to put all of their focus on developing their career. It’s normal to be single right into your thirties today. Around the late twenties or early to mid-thirties is when people are marrying, or as the trend increases choosing instead to cohabitate long term. Having children has been delayed until somewhere in the third decade as well.
Though it’s normal to be single even well into your thirties, and some prefer it that way, lots of people feel anxious about their love life if they don’t have someone serious at their side by this time. Women are feeling this sting particularly poignantly. But they shouldn’t worry so. Being single in your thirties today can even be natural. Lots of people feel lost without any clear path that one should take. It’s hard to figure out for yourself what you want in life and if it’s doable. But here is some advice to make dating and singleness in your thirties a more positive experience while you seek out your romantic path and pursue whom you meet on the road to love.
First, don’t build up a callous or bitter heart due to disappointments from the past. Lots of people clump the opposite sex together in a negative light when they’ve been unlucky in love. We are all guilty of it in some point in our lives and to a certain degree. The truth is that if you want to have a positive experience, you need to be enthusiastic. No one wants to date a sour puss. And if that’s all you are putting out there you are driving good, qualities mates away and perhaps attracting the wrong ones. Of course it is painful and heart wrenching when things don’t turn out right and we get hurt. No one and nothings seems to be able to cut so deep as being injured or spurned by someone we cared about. But at a certain point you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there again. It’s the same with a sport, an interest or a hobby. You have to work at it and you can’t let obstacles stand in the way. When you lose a game, you don’t give up the sport forever. You practice harder and come back to the playing field, not sulking but with your game face on. Don’t focus on your biological clock. It will make you choose the wrong person or make the wrong decision. Many a nasty divorce had its seeds in an anxious marriage. If it is really weighing on your consult your doctor for medical help such as freezing your eggs or sperm. This could free you from such worries. Know that you will date a lot, sometimes the wrong people, and that’s okay. Don’t fall for grass is always greener syndrome. Understand that everyone has faults. Find someone who has great qualities and faults you can live with, in time.
The point of a relationship is support, nurturing, caring, affection, fun, intimacy and above all love. But many relationships devolve into a war of enemies instead of a pursuit shared by loving partners. If you’ve done everything you can to reinvest in a relationship, but nothing is working or you are the only one trying, it may be time to let go of that bad relationship.
First, realize that a relationship is merely a psychological and social construct. There are no wires attached. Sure, if you are filing for divorce, or if you cohabitate and share a bank account there are going to be logistics to work out. There always will be. But by and large it’s all in your head, and the head of the other person. Once you start thinking of the relationship as over and start making plans, planning out the steps, and begin to execute them, viola it’s over. If you want to let go of a bad relationship, start thinking about it as over. That’s the first step. Make sure you outline clearly why it is ending. Have it clear in your mind. Lots of people will be asking why it ended. Your significant other will want to know too. Start making plans on how to address the issue with them. You want a clear go-to statement in your head because if they are manipulative or persuasive they may start trying to convince you to stay. Having a clear reason and clear cut incidents to call to mind will help you stay true to your decision and not back pedal, only to go through the same process again later.
Decide to what level you trust them. People break up for different reasons. Was it infidelity? Just falling out of love? Was there abuse? Or is the relationship just not going anywhere? A breach of trust is the worst kind of breakup. They may have stolen, lied or cheated. With this situation you have to be particularly careful. If you have a joint bank account and you think your soon-to-be-ex might clear it out, take your money out of there first. Secure any valuables you have at their place or if you cohabitate. Wait until they go out first. You’ll have to be sneaky but it’s better than getting ripped off. Don’t get revenge by stealing their stuff or taking their money. You will hurt your own reputation. It might be illegal. And then instead of standing up for you people will think that you are the bad guy. If your significant other is abusive or manipulative and you just can’t seem to shake them, elicit the help of a friend. Have them with you when it is time to break up or go over their place to get your stuff. If even this won’t help, clear out your stuff when they aren’t home. Then call them when they get home from work and explain to them what is happening and why. You don’t have to do it in person if they are going to hurt you or suck you in again. They don’t deserve that respect. You are doing it this way to protect yourself. Next grieve but don’t get stuck in it. Let it unravel naturally. Then work on healing.
So you’ve decided that an NSA is the best way to go for you right now. You need to have fun right now but you don’t want anything serious. After a big breakup, even a divorce we need to help heal that pain. We need to feel attractive and desired again. There is nothing like passion to renew your sense of self-worth, give you validation and help heal those deep seeded wounds. Whatever the reason, you’ve decided to move forward, and you even have a candidate in mind. Even if you don’t, you don’t know how to broach the subject. It isn’t as hard as it initially seems. Though the idea may sound awkward to put forth, it’s actually fun and really sexy if done right. Here’s how to propose a no strings attached relationship.
Pick someone who you find attractive. Exchange a flirty look and make good eye contact. Eye contact alone can make a connection with someone. Now comes the approach. It doesn’t matter who approaches whom though it is customary for a guy to approach a lady. Buying someone a drink can come from either sex. If the person is worth their salt they’ll come around to thank you.
Now comes some conversation. Don’t be overt. Instead flirt. Exchange a subtle naughty flirtation. Mention somewhere in the conversation if you are talking and jiving and liking what you are hearing, that you just got out of an awful relationship. You aren’t looking for one now. You just want to enjoy your freedom and have fun. It’s important to establish this.
Most people believe that whoever they are interested in will at some point want to enter a committed relationship. But if you advertise the no strings attached part up front they know what they are getting into. If they are just looking for a relationship they may move on. But that isn’t what you are looking for. So instead of wasting time trying to convince them simply look for someone else in your position. Let this person know you find them attractive. It’s easy. A little touch on the wrist or the arm, a subtle brush against the arm, a grabbing and squeezing of the forearm, elbow or hand to make a point when speaking, or to laugh when joking will get it across. A well placed compliment is a great way to get your foot in the door too. If you’ve let them know that you are available, looking for fun but not interested in a relationship, if they are into the same thing, chances are they’ll take you up on it. If not, be assured that you won’t have to wait too long to find someone who is the right fit for you, no strings attached.
So you’ve decided that a no strings attached relationship is what you need right now. Whether you just got out of an exhausting divorce, a painful long term relationship, you’re swamped and don’t have time to date or you just want to sample from the glorious pool of dating prospects without getting tied down. Whatever your reason, you have your approach down. You’re feeling good and ready to get this thing going. The only thing you need is a worthy partner who will fulfil your every desire. Locating a no strings attached partner can be easy or difficult depending upon your social circle. Also, many people in the dating pool are looking for different things, from NSA to marriage and so many options in-between.
So how do you find someone who might fit the bill? First, think about some friends of friends that you find attractive. When you are in the same room together, why not try and flirt with them? Almost everyone likes to be flirted with. See if you can get their number. Find some time to hang out and you may be well on your way. If you have a confidant on your side, work with them and try to brainstorm. Think about acquaintances you often run into, too and flirt with them.
Is there someone you’ve had your eye on? Why not try to bump into them? Or better yet see if you can get someone to introduce the two of you. Start flirting and move on to texting. Take things slow and easy. Work into it. If you move too fast you may creep the other person out. Have you ever had a one-night stand or a hookup? Chances are that person would be interested in doing it again. Why not get in touch with them and see what they are up to. If you are like the rest of us, you may have had your fair share of jobs over the last five years. Did you run into anyone you thought was cute, hot or drop dead sexy? See if you can get in touch with them again. Call the office asking for someone. Make up a reason or an excuse and get to chatting with them on the phone. Flirt with them. Call back again but this time get their number. If they give it to you, you are well on your way to Hookupville, provided they are interested in this type of arrangement.
Are you in touch with some old friends from college or even high school? Chances are there is someone from the old days that makes you squirm in your seat. Do some sleuthing and see if they are single. Facebook and other social media sites are great places to connect with old friends who may be interested in a hookup. For more advice read, The Friends with Benefits Rulebook by Stacy Freedman.
An affair can be so edifying, passionate, and you may find the person you are having it with irresistible. But infidelity can also tear your life apart. If you are thinking of switching up, think carefully. Will you be able to trust them? Will they trust you? The one you are cheating with may not have the best long term relationship qualities to begin with. They cheated with you after all, what makes you think they won’t do it again when things get too tough? It’s best to end the affair. But it must be done in the proper manner. Only if you are determined can you put an end to it.
It may be comforting to have a place to go to when your spouse or live-in partner doesn’t understand you or ignores you. But sooner or later they are bound to find out about the affair and blow everything wide open. If your relationship is too far gone and you’ve tried everything you can to fix it, with little success, perhaps it’s time to end that too. Usually, an affair is caused for some reason. The cheater isn’t getting their needs met in the primary relationship. Determine what needs aren’t being met. Is it intimacy, appreciation, or fulfillment? See if you can reinvest in your primary relationship to have your needs met and reconnect. But if not, perhaps consider ditching them both and starting over from scratch. You may be happier in the long run.
Turn to a trusted friend for support. It can be really difficult going through something like this by yourself. Having a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board and someone to give you advice is the thing you need. Instead of focusing on the positive aspects focus on the negative ones. Break off the affair in your head first and start thinking about it as over. Look for the shortcomings and problems with the person you are having the affair with and the affair itself. It’s time to change your mind set about it. If all you want to do is be with that person, even though you know it’s the wrong decision, you have to start having a negative outlook on it. Once your mind has turned from enjoying to reviling the affair it will be easier to sever the ties to that person. Get rid of all the mementos and signs that an affair has occurred. Erase the text messages. Sell the gifts and tokens. Delete the secret file on your computer of you two together.
Have a face-to-face meeting with your lover. Make it someplace public so that they won’t make a scene. Explain to them how much you enjoyed it but that you need to end it and the reasons why. Let them know that you are cutting off all contact. Once you’ve explained yourself get out of there. Avoid getting back into the affair. Remember that just because you’ve changed the affair’s status in your mind doesn’t mean they have. They could call and plead, beg, even use blackmail to force you to see them. Resist or find yourself in the same situation all over again. For more advice read, How to End an Affair: Stop Cheating with Proven Steps to Infidelity Recovery by Eugene Marks.