He’s a great guy. You love him. You know he has needs. And you want to show him how much you care. But the thought of sex is gross. You don’t know how to get aroused anymore. So you avoid sex. You may even come to hate it. Sex is usually hot and frequent in the beginning of a marriage. But for most couples as time wears on, a sudden transition appears where it disappears, or just tapers off. Many times, when this occurs couples have to find new ways to spice things up in the bedroom. If not, one or another partner can feel resentment. Both partners may also worry that this spells the beginning of the end for their marriage. The first thing to do is to look and see if there is any physical health reason why you have lost the desire for sex. A hormone imbalance can be one reason. This can have something to do with menopause, a new medication, a thyroid problem, and so much more. Get checked out by a doctor. If this is not the case, consider an emotional reason. Have you been severely stressed lately? Do you suffer from anxiety or depression? Take steps to alleviate these and your libido may return.
Next, think about whether or not your relationship has been having any particular issues. Sometimes a woman can have resentment building up from a number of problems in her marriage, or one large issue. While men can compartmentalize sex, a woman’s concern over her relationship will snuff out her desire until the matter is resolved. That is not to say that she cannot feel desire. But when relationship problems are weighing heavy on her mind, she has a hard time getting into the mood. If none of these appear to be the case, think about whether you have had any negative situations surrounding sex. A negative impression or experience in the past can manifest itself in your marriage today. When we first get together, love and chemistry are so strong that they blot out all other emotions. But when we get used to the relationship or even the marriage, those strong feelings wane, and the previous impression or experience may bubble up to the surface. Working with a mental health professional or sex therapist may be best. The tendency when this problem first arises is to push your husband away. It is hard to explain a lack of desire without feeling as though you will sound like you are blaming, or that you want the relationship to be over. Fight that urge. Pushing him away will only hurt the relationship.
If you want this marriage to succeed, you must tell him. But practice what you say so that he understands. For many women, when this problem strikes they begin to think that their husband may look elsewhere to have his needs met. A woman has to be relaxed in order to get in the mood. Feeling threatened will undermine that effort. Let him know that it isn’t him. It’s just that there is something wrong and you’ve lost your desire. Now it’s time to make a choice. Losing your sex drive can be horrible. And no one is saying you should have sex when you don’t want to. Each person should decide for themselves when it is or isn’t right. But you will have to decide whether or not you can invest the time and energy to finding it again. What would rekindle your desire? Start talking about sex, turn ons and turn offs, and desires with your husband. Write them down. Keep a journal where you don’t sensor yourself, but write down these secret, inner thoughts. Find healthy ways to manage your stress. It can sidetrack you. Any interest in porn? Try watching some together. When you find that it is time to reconnect physically, use sensuality first as an entree way. Women take a lot longer to get turned on, and sensuality is a great gateway into getting in the mood. It may feel untenable at first. But just like any other problem, if you begin to look into it, you should find what is causing it, learn more about yourself, and then figure out how to reconnect to your sex drive and with your husband.
For more such advice read, Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido by Andrew Goldstein and Marianne Brandon.